The Holiday Guide to Lycanthropy
Thanksgiving day is coming up. It's a time to gather with your family, get acquainted with your long-lost relatives, and make connections with cousins you barely know.
This is also the chance of a lifetime to find out whether any of your relatives is a werewolf.
Why now? you ask. Two reasons. One, it's a chance to examine them closely in the field. A werewolf should be verified first-hand. Secondly -- and most importantly -- the day immediately after Thanksgiving is the full moon. There has never been a more perfect or pressing time to verify whether or not hairy Uncle Albert is in fact a member of the half-breed damned.
For public safety, the following is a list of common werewolf characteristics which can be used as a checklist at your family gathering. Use it discreetly but thoroughly. It may be your only chance.
Signs that your relative is a werewolf:
-Failure to show up at family events on the full moon (Friday) or immediately after (Saturday). Friday he will be occupied; Saturday he will likely want to remain home, lick his wounds and wash the blood out of his clothes. The especially bright or long-term lycanthrope will have planned his absence in advance, with an excellent but fabricated excuse; the inexperienced werewolf will have to call off at the last minute. Treat both with equal caution.
-Leaving the party at or near moonrise. Check with your local astronomical organization to see when that will be.
-Arriving in muddy or tattered clothing
-A tattoo of a crescent moon
-An index finger longer than the middle finger. You will probably need to shake hands to verify
-A noticeably long and pointed left thumbnail (clawlike)
-Scratches or bruises along the arms, chest and neck. These come from dashing through the forest. We sincerely hope that you do not need to resort to examining your potentially lethal relatives this closely
-Excessive hairiness on the body. See above
The French, in addition to being zealous werewolf hunters, believed that werewolves could be spotted by their distinctive physiognomy -- the shape of the face. Look for:
-An extended nose-jaw area (a "muzzle")
-A unibrow
-Excessive hairiness
-Pointed teeth, particularly the canines
-Hair of a color unusual for his race: black hair among fair Germans, red hair among dark Russians. Especially coarse hair is also to be suspect.
All missing limbs should be regarded suspiciously, particularly if you hear Aunt Jemmie talking about how "a blame wolf got into the cow pen--I shot the s.o.b.'s paw off but the sucker got away." Could the "blame wolf" be Cousin Jed who had a horrible accident with a bear trap that same night? Many a German werewolf has been discovered by this age-old method.
If it turns out that, in fact, Grandma has been hiding a terrible secret, do not fear! There is hope. Many cures for lycanthropy have been devised throughout the ages, with varying degrees of success. The novice lycanthropist may attempt one or more of the following:
-Throw your apron over the wolf's head. He will run off and return cured
-Make three parallel cuts with a knife on the wolf's forehead. If this proves tricky, a single cut on the forehead has been known to succeed
-The wolf may be wearing a garter of wolfskin which effects the change. Remove it
-Find and return the wolf's human clothing
-Call the wolf by his human name
Should all of these fail, and you survive, there is a more elaborate ritual involving three young virgins beating the caged wolf with sheafs of barley and reciting a chant. Gather your three youngest girl cousins and email for details.
Note that all of the above cures must take place while your relative is in wolf form. Again, check your lunar charts. You must be prepared to act quickly -- the full moon is but a few days away.
If, however, you miss the opportunity this Thanksgiving, do not despair. The next full moon is on the twenty-sixth of December ... Boxing Day ... the first day of Kwaanza ... the day following Christmas, when once more families come together to celebrate.
Good luck.
This is also the chance of a lifetime to find out whether any of your relatives is a werewolf.
Why now? you ask. Two reasons. One, it's a chance to examine them closely in the field. A werewolf should be verified first-hand. Secondly -- and most importantly -- the day immediately after Thanksgiving is the full moon. There has never been a more perfect or pressing time to verify whether or not hairy Uncle Albert is in fact a member of the half-breed damned.
For public safety, the following is a list of common werewolf characteristics which can be used as a checklist at your family gathering. Use it discreetly but thoroughly. It may be your only chance.
Signs that your relative is a werewolf:
-Failure to show up at family events on the full moon (Friday) or immediately after (Saturday). Friday he will be occupied; Saturday he will likely want to remain home, lick his wounds and wash the blood out of his clothes. The especially bright or long-term lycanthrope will have planned his absence in advance, with an excellent but fabricated excuse; the inexperienced werewolf will have to call off at the last minute. Treat both with equal caution.
-Leaving the party at or near moonrise. Check with your local astronomical organization to see when that will be.
-Arriving in muddy or tattered clothing
-A tattoo of a crescent moon
-An index finger longer than the middle finger. You will probably need to shake hands to verify
-A noticeably long and pointed left thumbnail (clawlike)
-Scratches or bruises along the arms, chest and neck. These come from dashing through the forest. We sincerely hope that you do not need to resort to examining your potentially lethal relatives this closely
-Excessive hairiness on the body. See above
The French, in addition to being zealous werewolf hunters, believed that werewolves could be spotted by their distinctive physiognomy -- the shape of the face. Look for:
-An extended nose-jaw area (a "muzzle")
-A unibrow
-Excessive hairiness
-Pointed teeth, particularly the canines
-Hair of a color unusual for his race: black hair among fair Germans, red hair among dark Russians. Especially coarse hair is also to be suspect.
All missing limbs should be regarded suspiciously, particularly if you hear Aunt Jemmie talking about how "a blame wolf got into the cow pen--I shot the s.o.b.'s paw off but the sucker got away." Could the "blame wolf" be Cousin Jed who had a horrible accident with a bear trap that same night? Many a German werewolf has been discovered by this age-old method.
If it turns out that, in fact, Grandma has been hiding a terrible secret, do not fear! There is hope. Many cures for lycanthropy have been devised throughout the ages, with varying degrees of success. The novice lycanthropist may attempt one or more of the following:
-Throw your apron over the wolf's head. He will run off and return cured
-Make three parallel cuts with a knife on the wolf's forehead. If this proves tricky, a single cut on the forehead has been known to succeed
-The wolf may be wearing a garter of wolfskin which effects the change. Remove it
-Find and return the wolf's human clothing
-Call the wolf by his human name
Should all of these fail, and you survive, there is a more elaborate ritual involving three young virgins beating the caged wolf with sheafs of barley and reciting a chant. Gather your three youngest girl cousins and email for details.
Note that all of the above cures must take place while your relative is in wolf form. Again, check your lunar charts. You must be prepared to act quickly -- the full moon is but a few days away.
If, however, you miss the opportunity this Thanksgiving, do not despair. The next full moon is on the twenty-sixth of December ... Boxing Day ... the first day of Kwaanza ... the day following Christmas, when once more families come together to celebrate.
Good luck.