impenetrable
and now a little something by C.S. Lewis:
"To Love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it in tact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements, lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in a casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell."
and for some reason, this is just what i need to have read, right now. how important to see that i want to guard myself from all uncomfortable feelings. what can i possibly gain from this path? to be wrapped in ease and seeming painlessness, i am, in fact, cut off from all real joy. how very true this is - it cuts to my core. me and my hobbies, and my little luxuries. as if yogurt and blueberries means i am not craving an embrace.
i became angry at having been reminded of what i'm lacking. i became angry at having my vulnerability poked. i became angry at having to look at the truth.
i feel it is important that i grow right now. and that i become very, very uncomfortable.
"To Love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it in tact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements, lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in a casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell."
and for some reason, this is just what i need to have read, right now. how important to see that i want to guard myself from all uncomfortable feelings. what can i possibly gain from this path? to be wrapped in ease and seeming painlessness, i am, in fact, cut off from all real joy. how very true this is - it cuts to my core. me and my hobbies, and my little luxuries. as if yogurt and blueberries means i am not craving an embrace.
i became angry at having been reminded of what i'm lacking. i became angry at having my vulnerability poked. i became angry at having to look at the truth.
i feel it is important that i grow right now. and that i become very, very uncomfortable.