staring down the hole again...
oh the bipolar moments. i've repeatedly spent money on myself since xmas. i should stop doing that. not like i'm broke, but i realized it was the bipolar power. i just kept convincing myself i needed those things... oh well.
i got my final grades back with a B in anatomy (no explanation, just "B"). might not seem like a big deal but i counted up my points myself and i had a 94.7% missing one test grade, a test we took two weeks before our final, that he never told me what i got on it because i took it at the assessment center and he never picked it up. i asked him up until our final to pick it up and tell me what i got, emailed him two times. he never told me but i was so sure i'd done really well on it. even factoring in another B in my 94.7%, i'd probably still have an A. anyway, i e-mailed him. he hasn't responded because he never does. my counselor told me to wait until next week and then call the head of the department. i just... UGH. he's been a complete blunderhead the entire semester and i wouldn't be surprised if he made a mistake. i can't accept a B if it isn't my real grade. we'll see what comes of it. i know no one in the department will really care.
visited Johns Hopkins for another shadow day on wednesday. this time it was with the radiology department. the program looks amazing, you get 18mos clinical experience with your certificate and they ship you around to different hospitals during that time to get a better understanding of other radiology equipment. everyone in the department and the students i met were incredibly nice. it really does seem like what i want to do. the only problem: for 18mos, with no real breaks, you have to work 8hrs a day with some classes 5 days a week. and, oh bog, if i couldn't even handle working 4 days a week up to 6hrs a day over the summer what the hell am i going to do? i want so bad to say yes, move to baltimore, get an amazing experience like this, but i know i'll be in excruciating pain and probably miserable.
the clinical director was the one who set up my shadow day and when i met with him i had no idea i could already apply. i asked him if i had all the courses i needed and he said he'd let me know. an hour later he calls me back and tells me even though i don't have A&PII and medical terminology yet, with my grades they would accept my application even though the deadline was december 31st. i thanked him profusely but took a step back afterwords and said "woah... they want me to make this huge life-changing decision in a matter of weeks. i'm not ready yet." i'll wait to apply next year, although even now my GPA is already less than i thought it was. i'm scared i'm slamming the door in my face, but what could i do? i can't just pick up and move to baltimore for 18 months within the next month, can i? i don't even have my associate's yet.
signed up for A&PII, german, and abnormal psych. there are no more pre-radiology classes i can take at MC because the rest i need for my major are in takoma park. i plan on transferring at the end of the semester without my degree because there is no way in hell i'm going to drive up to that shithole every day 2-3hrs each way even though i am SO SICK OF MC. i just realized many of the radiology programs i'm looking at applying for want me to take physics, but the class is essentially three in one (one lecture, one lab, one discussion) and that is too much for me on top of A&P and my other classes. A&P is demanding as hell - i learned all the bones/muscles/major parts of the nervous system in one semester. maybe i'll take physics in the summer. groan.
i realized i'm craving attention. i've reverted to this state that i've managed to fight since ninth grade, when i ultimately did stupid things and got myself mildly abused for it. why now, when i feel more mature than i did then? i guess i miss having friends. josh doesn't have enough time to give me the attention, even if he did he hasn't really ever been good at that. of course, foolish imp that i am, i won't go out looking for it anymore. i'm stupid enough to just hope someone will find me interesting. i want my friends back. i want to have those passionate mindless discussions i used to have. i want to connect with someone. but please don't get me wrong, it is not sexual. i have more opportunities for sex than i'm up for with the beloved.
back to the point: why do i need this? why can't i be self-reliant? why can't i be content alone?
i want to learn so much. i want to see so many things. i want to share these things with others. and yet i am here, in my house, introverted, exhausted, alone. maybe it's that i have no faith in humanity.
i got my final grades back with a B in anatomy (no explanation, just "B"). might not seem like a big deal but i counted up my points myself and i had a 94.7% missing one test grade, a test we took two weeks before our final, that he never told me what i got on it because i took it at the assessment center and he never picked it up. i asked him up until our final to pick it up and tell me what i got, emailed him two times. he never told me but i was so sure i'd done really well on it. even factoring in another B in my 94.7%, i'd probably still have an A. anyway, i e-mailed him. he hasn't responded because he never does. my counselor told me to wait until next week and then call the head of the department. i just... UGH. he's been a complete blunderhead the entire semester and i wouldn't be surprised if he made a mistake. i can't accept a B if it isn't my real grade. we'll see what comes of it. i know no one in the department will really care.
visited Johns Hopkins for another shadow day on wednesday. this time it was with the radiology department. the program looks amazing, you get 18mos clinical experience with your certificate and they ship you around to different hospitals during that time to get a better understanding of other radiology equipment. everyone in the department and the students i met were incredibly nice. it really does seem like what i want to do. the only problem: for 18mos, with no real breaks, you have to work 8hrs a day with some classes 5 days a week. and, oh bog, if i couldn't even handle working 4 days a week up to 6hrs a day over the summer what the hell am i going to do? i want so bad to say yes, move to baltimore, get an amazing experience like this, but i know i'll be in excruciating pain and probably miserable.
the clinical director was the one who set up my shadow day and when i met with him i had no idea i could already apply. i asked him if i had all the courses i needed and he said he'd let me know. an hour later he calls me back and tells me even though i don't have A&PII and medical terminology yet, with my grades they would accept my application even though the deadline was december 31st. i thanked him profusely but took a step back afterwords and said "woah... they want me to make this huge life-changing decision in a matter of weeks. i'm not ready yet." i'll wait to apply next year, although even now my GPA is already less than i thought it was. i'm scared i'm slamming the door in my face, but what could i do? i can't just pick up and move to baltimore for 18 months within the next month, can i? i don't even have my associate's yet.
signed up for A&PII, german, and abnormal psych. there are no more pre-radiology classes i can take at MC because the rest i need for my major are in takoma park. i plan on transferring at the end of the semester without my degree because there is no way in hell i'm going to drive up to that shithole every day 2-3hrs each way even though i am SO SICK OF MC. i just realized many of the radiology programs i'm looking at applying for want me to take physics, but the class is essentially three in one (one lecture, one lab, one discussion) and that is too much for me on top of A&P and my other classes. A&P is demanding as hell - i learned all the bones/muscles/major parts of the nervous system in one semester. maybe i'll take physics in the summer. groan.
i realized i'm craving attention. i've reverted to this state that i've managed to fight since ninth grade, when i ultimately did stupid things and got myself mildly abused for it. why now, when i feel more mature than i did then? i guess i miss having friends. josh doesn't have enough time to give me the attention, even if he did he hasn't really ever been good at that. of course, foolish imp that i am, i won't go out looking for it anymore. i'm stupid enough to just hope someone will find me interesting. i want my friends back. i want to have those passionate mindless discussions i used to have. i want to connect with someone. but please don't get me wrong, it is not sexual. i have more opportunities for sex than i'm up for with the beloved.
back to the point: why do i need this? why can't i be self-reliant? why can't i be content alone?
i want to learn so much. i want to see so many things. i want to share these things with others. and yet i am here, in my house, introverted, exhausted, alone. maybe it's that i have no faith in humanity.