The Unofficial Official Diagnosis
Unofficial because I'm not yet certified on the condition, but my therapist has offered an official diagnosis. I haven't put a name to it in previous posts for fear of jinxing things and for fear of criticism.
I have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.
I know a few of you are familiar with AS, but for those who may not know the specifics: WebMD summary of Asperger's Syndrome.
This is foremost made difficult for me because a lot of resources are for parents raising children on the autism spectrum scale, while information for adults dealing with their own AS is rarer. I'm on an ongoing search for more information that can help me get through things. I'm in continuing discussion with my therapist about the aspects of AS that are causing me the most problems, and we'll be working on cognitive therapy in the future.
In the meantime, the following are the particular issues that you have witnessed in me over the years:
-- I do not notice social cues. My unintentional insults/inappropriate responses that I realize later, my habit IRL of blurting out my thought on a subject when someone else is already talking, not greeting someone with "Good morning/afternoon/evening", not asking how someone is, how their weekend was, how their friends/relatives/pets are.
-- My interests are always specific and selective. If you mention HoND, I might only pay attention if it's about Clopin. If you mention Gundam, my thoughts go to Wing and quickly to Quatre. If you mention Transformers, my attention goes to Autobots, then right onto my personal favorites.
---- Further application: I cannot force myself to be interested in something. I don't intend anything personal against you if I don't give attention to something you're trying to share with me and want my feedback on. My brain will not process it, even veers away from it to the point where I can't focus on the subject at all, I "zone out" instead. I will try to be interested, but my focus has its own set time frame.
Example: When I took interest in Doctor Who I wanted to know everything I could about the previous Doctors, so I went through Netflix and put all of the available old episodes in the list. However, there was a long wait to get to my end of the list of DVDs, and after two weeks I lost all interest in the DVDs. I even put off watching the handful of episodes available for Instant Play. The same thing happened again when I had a sudden urge to watch anime, lined up some DVDs in the Netflix queue, but again lost interest when it took too long to get to them. I'm currently at the point of deleting my part of the queue because my attention for the titles has timed out.
---- This is why I'll get impatient about certain things. I mentally need to engage in something at the exact time I have the focus available to me, or else I'll wander off. Similarly, if I have to repeat something I've said more than once I get frustrated and don't want to try continuing to engage the subject.
---- On the topic of "zoning out" and also of appearing to not be listening, I am very susceptible to sensory overload. If the TV is on and someone is talking to me about something, I won't be able to process what the person is saying. The combination of visual and additional speech overwhelms my ability to focus on just one thing. On the other hand, music can help me filter the various sensory input -- I can do chores and things like cooking better when I have music playing. Often, if I'm doing dishes or facing a cleanup project, I lose interest and slack off if I don't have music playing.
This is why, when there are a lot of things going on at once IRL, I might freeze in place/stare into the distance/walk away from something quickly, because my brain has hit overload on sensory input. This also happens while playing video games, where I'll utter streams of "argh-rawr-grah" during a crazy firefight rush.
-- I cannot force myself to socialize. I keep comparing every social opportunity to the HoND fandom, when I was so outgoing and engaging. Yet, that was the only time in my Internet career that I've been that active. I've concluded this is because it was the first time in my life where I'd had a situation where I found people not just interested in the same movie as me, but because there were so many people who also loved Clopin, and who were receptive to my ideas and creativity. My usual limitation of a very specific interest disappeared. Yet even though some of my gaffes can still be attributed to being young and new to the Internet, I also had plenty of social cue issues that caused problems with people.
---- When I entered the Gundam Wing fandom I subconsciously expected it to have the same range of selective interest as HoND fandom, but it didn't. My circle of shared interest shrank to include the HoND fans who followed with interest in anime and the handful of new people I made friends with. I didn't have an LPdC/CGB Forum to occupy or run, and I never really found a home on any existing Gundam forums. I also didn't know enough about anime yet to avoid social faux pas. Come Transformers, with its massive fanbase, I again thought I would find that reception I had in HoND. But trying to keep up with forums and be regularly active on any one board has resulted in freezing up, attention veering off, and wishing I could do more to participate, but being unable to acquire the focus to do so.
-- Which leads to the next item: I have difficulty starting a conversation. This is why IRL I will stand to the side and wait to be acknowledged instead of speaking right up, why I hesitate on making phone calls, why I wait for others to order first at a restaurant, why I may show a repetitive sort of physical gesture before doing something. I need the other party to initiate contact and hold the contact.
---- This also includes physical contact. I might shy away from a pat on the back or arm around my shoulder, yet I still have an emotional need for a physical presence when I need comfort or support. In relation to the sensory input, like with music I find focus and comfort in sitting with a nice squishy blanket wrapped around me, and the comfort/support is extended if there is another person leaning against the other side of that blanket.
----- I know this sounds like something that applies more to a child than a grown woman, but in some ways I am still a child; if you've ever seen me at a playground or amusement park, you might have noticed me exhibiting childish glee/skipping/jumping in puddles and the like. It's something that is both a subconscious reaction and something I'm aware of -- something that brings me happiness and makes me feel that, for those few moments, everything is all right. So, in this case, I let it happen. I've annoyed people with these actions (my sister telling me to grow up comes to mind), but to me it's a coping gesture. If I let myself feel like a child again, I can temporarily let go of the socialization burdens that stress me.
-- Redundant speech patterns. Last week I was finally able to tell my dad about all this and much to my surprise he took it well, then as we went about our day he began to stop me and point out things I kept repeating -- he had noticed that I always automatically respond with "I don't know" when someone poses a question such as what other movies an actor has been in, what year a particular movie was made. Without exaggeration, I did this ten more times just while we were looking at the channel guide to decide what to watch on TV, and each time he stopped me and offered a suggestion for what my response could have been. He also tried to give me examples of talking with people. I know he doesn't fully understand the scope of my difficulty with socializing, but he has continued to surprise me by being gentle when talking to me. This alone has been a great help to me over the past several days. (I am also very proud of him for how he has changed and improved since I last lived here.)
-- Lack of facial recognition: A problem when working customer service and having to go to the stock room for something for a customer, then returning to the floor only to have no recollection what the customer looks like/was wearing/etc. Applies to neighbors I rarely see but who remember me, actors, actresses, sports figures, politicians, etc. (Another thing that stumps my dad about me, because he loves movie trivia.)
---- I will always write more coherently than I speak because when being on the spot, to respond right away whether face to face or on the phone, my brain freezes up. It goes back to both sensory input and social cues. I want to say what I mean, but at the same time my brain isn't connecting with the moment. If you've ever talked with me on the phone and experienced long stretches of silence, that's my brain failing to correctly engage.
-- Lastly, for those of you who know about AS and even know someone personally who has it, please keep in mind that every case of AS is different and that my behavior and reactions in any given situation can differ from that of the person you might know.
These are things I need you all to acknowledge and accept about me. I can get cognitive treatment for some of these habits, but they will always be a part of my personality, and you need to be aware of that. I know some behaviors contradict others, I know there have been similar situations where I've been able to cope with one instance and freeze up on the other. I will try to be more conscious of it all, but there will always be days when I don't have the mental strength to monitor myself. Being on hiatus for the past month has helped give me perspective on my behaviors, yet at the same time I've afterward noticed the habits that I can't consciously control -- they just happen. Perhaps this will change once I begin the cognitive therapy, but please have patience with me in the meantime. I need you to be able to look at a comment, response, or reaction from me and when it seems off, question how I intended to sound. I value all of my friends, and I want to give all that I'm capable of to be a friend to you, but I do have to ask this extra measure from you. You know the good things about me. They're still in me, and I still want to offer them.
*HUGSALL*
So, now we know. And knowing really is half the battle. The other half is deciding what to do about it. My decision is to keep going to therapy; it's costing me my college money, but I finally have my answer, and I want to pursue more about that answer. Once that is accomplished I'll find a way to pursue future paths available to me when I get there. During the interim I'll keep working on house cleanup and art projects, and find a job that I can do competently without pushing my social boundaries farther than I can cope with.
I have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.
I know a few of you are familiar with AS, but for those who may not know the specifics: WebMD summary of Asperger's Syndrome.
This is foremost made difficult for me because a lot of resources are for parents raising children on the autism spectrum scale, while information for adults dealing with their own AS is rarer. I'm on an ongoing search for more information that can help me get through things. I'm in continuing discussion with my therapist about the aspects of AS that are causing me the most problems, and we'll be working on cognitive therapy in the future.
In the meantime, the following are the particular issues that you have witnessed in me over the years:
-- I do not notice social cues. My unintentional insults/inappropriate responses that I realize later, my habit IRL of blurting out my thought on a subject when someone else is already talking, not greeting someone with "Good morning/afternoon/evening", not asking how someone is, how their weekend was, how their friends/relatives/pets are.
-- My interests are always specific and selective. If you mention HoND, I might only pay attention if it's about Clopin. If you mention Gundam, my thoughts go to Wing and quickly to Quatre. If you mention Transformers, my attention goes to Autobots, then right onto my personal favorites.
---- Further application: I cannot force myself to be interested in something. I don't intend anything personal against you if I don't give attention to something you're trying to share with me and want my feedback on. My brain will not process it, even veers away from it to the point where I can't focus on the subject at all, I "zone out" instead. I will try to be interested, but my focus has its own set time frame.
Example: When I took interest in Doctor Who I wanted to know everything I could about the previous Doctors, so I went through Netflix and put all of the available old episodes in the list. However, there was a long wait to get to my end of the list of DVDs, and after two weeks I lost all interest in the DVDs. I even put off watching the handful of episodes available for Instant Play. The same thing happened again when I had a sudden urge to watch anime, lined up some DVDs in the Netflix queue, but again lost interest when it took too long to get to them. I'm currently at the point of deleting my part of the queue because my attention for the titles has timed out.
---- This is why I'll get impatient about certain things. I mentally need to engage in something at the exact time I have the focus available to me, or else I'll wander off. Similarly, if I have to repeat something I've said more than once I get frustrated and don't want to try continuing to engage the subject.
---- On the topic of "zoning out" and also of appearing to not be listening, I am very susceptible to sensory overload. If the TV is on and someone is talking to me about something, I won't be able to process what the person is saying. The combination of visual and additional speech overwhelms my ability to focus on just one thing. On the other hand, music can help me filter the various sensory input -- I can do chores and things like cooking better when I have music playing. Often, if I'm doing dishes or facing a cleanup project, I lose interest and slack off if I don't have music playing.
This is why, when there are a lot of things going on at once IRL, I might freeze in place/stare into the distance/walk away from something quickly, because my brain has hit overload on sensory input. This also happens while playing video games, where I'll utter streams of "argh-rawr-grah" during a crazy firefight rush.
-- I cannot force myself to socialize. I keep comparing every social opportunity to the HoND fandom, when I was so outgoing and engaging. Yet, that was the only time in my Internet career that I've been that active. I've concluded this is because it was the first time in my life where I'd had a situation where I found people not just interested in the same movie as me, but because there were so many people who also loved Clopin, and who were receptive to my ideas and creativity. My usual limitation of a very specific interest disappeared. Yet even though some of my gaffes can still be attributed to being young and new to the Internet, I also had plenty of social cue issues that caused problems with people.
---- When I entered the Gundam Wing fandom I subconsciously expected it to have the same range of selective interest as HoND fandom, but it didn't. My circle of shared interest shrank to include the HoND fans who followed with interest in anime and the handful of new people I made friends with. I didn't have an LPdC/CGB Forum to occupy or run, and I never really found a home on any existing Gundam forums. I also didn't know enough about anime yet to avoid social faux pas. Come Transformers, with its massive fanbase, I again thought I would find that reception I had in HoND. But trying to keep up with forums and be regularly active on any one board has resulted in freezing up, attention veering off, and wishing I could do more to participate, but being unable to acquire the focus to do so.
-- Which leads to the next item: I have difficulty starting a conversation. This is why IRL I will stand to the side and wait to be acknowledged instead of speaking right up, why I hesitate on making phone calls, why I wait for others to order first at a restaurant, why I may show a repetitive sort of physical gesture before doing something. I need the other party to initiate contact and hold the contact.
---- This also includes physical contact. I might shy away from a pat on the back or arm around my shoulder, yet I still have an emotional need for a physical presence when I need comfort or support. In relation to the sensory input, like with music I find focus and comfort in sitting with a nice squishy blanket wrapped around me, and the comfort/support is extended if there is another person leaning against the other side of that blanket.
----- I know this sounds like something that applies more to a child than a grown woman, but in some ways I am still a child; if you've ever seen me at a playground or amusement park, you might have noticed me exhibiting childish glee/skipping/jumping in puddles and the like. It's something that is both a subconscious reaction and something I'm aware of -- something that brings me happiness and makes me feel that, for those few moments, everything is all right. So, in this case, I let it happen. I've annoyed people with these actions (my sister telling me to grow up comes to mind), but to me it's a coping gesture. If I let myself feel like a child again, I can temporarily let go of the socialization burdens that stress me.
-- Redundant speech patterns. Last week I was finally able to tell my dad about all this and much to my surprise he took it well, then as we went about our day he began to stop me and point out things I kept repeating -- he had noticed that I always automatically respond with "I don't know" when someone poses a question such as what other movies an actor has been in, what year a particular movie was made. Without exaggeration, I did this ten more times just while we were looking at the channel guide to decide what to watch on TV, and each time he stopped me and offered a suggestion for what my response could have been. He also tried to give me examples of talking with people. I know he doesn't fully understand the scope of my difficulty with socializing, but he has continued to surprise me by being gentle when talking to me. This alone has been a great help to me over the past several days. (I am also very proud of him for how he has changed and improved since I last lived here.)
-- Lack of facial recognition: A problem when working customer service and having to go to the stock room for something for a customer, then returning to the floor only to have no recollection what the customer looks like/was wearing/etc. Applies to neighbors I rarely see but who remember me, actors, actresses, sports figures, politicians, etc. (Another thing that stumps my dad about me, because he loves movie trivia.)
---- I will always write more coherently than I speak because when being on the spot, to respond right away whether face to face or on the phone, my brain freezes up. It goes back to both sensory input and social cues. I want to say what I mean, but at the same time my brain isn't connecting with the moment. If you've ever talked with me on the phone and experienced long stretches of silence, that's my brain failing to correctly engage.
-- Lastly, for those of you who know about AS and even know someone personally who has it, please keep in mind that every case of AS is different and that my behavior and reactions in any given situation can differ from that of the person you might know.
These are things I need you all to acknowledge and accept about me. I can get cognitive treatment for some of these habits, but they will always be a part of my personality, and you need to be aware of that. I know some behaviors contradict others, I know there have been similar situations where I've been able to cope with one instance and freeze up on the other. I will try to be more conscious of it all, but there will always be days when I don't have the mental strength to monitor myself. Being on hiatus for the past month has helped give me perspective on my behaviors, yet at the same time I've afterward noticed the habits that I can't consciously control -- they just happen. Perhaps this will change once I begin the cognitive therapy, but please have patience with me in the meantime. I need you to be able to look at a comment, response, or reaction from me and when it seems off, question how I intended to sound. I value all of my friends, and I want to give all that I'm capable of to be a friend to you, but I do have to ask this extra measure from you. You know the good things about me. They're still in me, and I still want to offer them.
*HUGSALL*
So, now we know. And knowing really is half the battle. The other half is deciding what to do about it. My decision is to keep going to therapy; it's costing me my college money, but I finally have my answer, and I want to pursue more about that answer. Once that is accomplished I'll find a way to pursue future paths available to me when I get there. During the interim I'll keep working on house cleanup and art projects, and find a job that I can do competently without pushing my social boundaries farther than I can cope with.