Verse Three: The Great Flood
This one had been sitting on my HD for a while now. It was just a few paragraphs from completion, so I decided to finish it and post it today. It’s utter Cracked out humor of course, so if you need a good chuckle, give it a look. Because Arashi experiments are their own special kind of crack, I just add a little seasoning!
Title: The Gospel According to Arashi ~ The Great Flood
Rating: G
Genre: Comedy/Parody/(Sac-)Religious Literature?
Pairing: None
Word Count: 1,500
Type: Stand-alone
Summary: Utter CRACK. It’s the Arashi Bible. Wherein the Supreme God of Everything, Jonny, does command Five Divine Mortals to build a boat. Not to be taken seriously.
Other verses from the Arashian Bible:
Verse One: Genesis
Verse Two: Holy Scriptures
NOTE: Each “verse” is completely stand-alone, and knowledge of previous installments is not necessary.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the people depicted in this fiction. I just borrowed them for entertainment purposes...
The Gospel According to Arashi
VERSE THREE: The Great Flood
And it came to be that the Supreme God of Everything who was called Jonny by his disciples was pleased with the work of Five Divine Mortals. And He spoke unto them of creating a Great Flood of Fangirls as a reward.
He commanded the Five Divine Mortals build a boat lest they be swept away by The Great Flood of Fangirls. Verily did the Five Divine Mortals set about their task. After much research and pouring over the Holy Book of Construction, otherwise known as Origami for Dummies, they agreed upon the blueprint.
Mightily they did construct a vessel of the sturdiest paper. And to test the fruits of their labour they did sail it upon the water.
And it did sink.
A great gloom did settle over the Five Divine Mortals and they feared the wrath of the Supreme God of Everything. But the Supreme God of Everything was kindly, and gave unto them a Golden Chance. He did bestow upon the Five Divine Mortals the means to make a second boat.
With great vigour did the Five Divine Mortals return to the Holy Book of Construction and did choose from its pages a second design. And with the invaluable aid of many ‘Experts’ they crafted the Boat of Soggy Cardboard. And again they sought to test it upon the open waters.
Whereupon one of the Five Divine Mortals, known as Mega-Mouth the Eternal, did fall dreadfully ill. Blighted by the sinister affliction of seasickness he could offer no assistance to Superlative Fail the Buff. Heartily the Divine Mortals paddled the Boat of Soggy Cardboard upon the water.
And it did sink.
Yea, and with the Boat of Soggy Cardboard - which was no longer a boat, but just Soggy Cardboard - did sink the hopes of the Five Divine Mortals. Mightily did they fear the scolding of the Supreme God of Everything.
But the Supreme God favoured the Five Divine Mortals, and hark, he did grant them a second Golden Chance. And then, Superlative Fail the Buff did happen upon an Idea of Some Merit. For it had long been known that the muscles of Superlative Fail the Buff were not really muscles at all, but extra brains that allowed him to be a Being of High Intelligence.
Unfortunately, the extra brains of the Divine Mortal have ever obviously been located incorrectly, and oft became confused without proper preparation. And thus it was so when Superlative Fail the Buff decided not to make a vessel, but to ride upon an iceberg instead.
And he took with him the oldest and smallest Divine Mortal, known as Swivel Hips the Melodic. And they did seek their icy craft. After a great search the Divine Mortals did find an iceberg that suited and did ride upon the water. And many rejoiced; for every man knew that ice floated and therefore, the unusual craft would not sink.
In high spirits the Divine Mortals departed for the open sea. In high spirits still when the iceberg did split down the middle. Undeterred they did decide to restart their journey. And gaily did Superlative Fail the Buff and Swivel Hips the Melodic sail upon the iceberg.
And it did melt.
Faced with yet another failure to add to his name, Superlative Fail the Buff did despair, and the other Divine Mortals did despair with him. So certain were they of incurring the wrath of the Supreme God of Everything.
And yet, again, the Great God Jonny was merciful and did offer the Five Divine Mortals a third Golden Chance. And once again the Five Divine Mortals did look to the Sacred Scriptures, and the Holy Book of Construction. And they did order a boat built of leaves. And mightily did their followers construct the Raft of Questionable Buoyancy.
Yea, upon laying eyes upon the Raft of Questionable Buoyancy, Superlative Fail the Buff did doubt the work of his followers, and did seek the aid of another. Thusly, a new vessel was constructed: The Floating Green Coffin of Leaves.
Henceforth did Swivel Hips and Superlative Fail paddle the craft upon the water. Mega Mouth the Eternal feared he would again be afflicted with the evil sickness of the sea and did chicken out.
Quickly the Floating Green Coffin of Leaves did take on water until nigh half did drop below the surface. Whereupon Superlative Fail and Swivel Hips did refuse to succumb, and did bail mightily. And with such effort, the Floating Green Coffin of Leaves rose again from the depths to be resurrected by the power of the Divine Mortals.
Upon witnessing the tenacity of his contemporaries, Mega Mouth the Eternal cast aside his fear and did board the Floating Green Coffin of Leaves. Verily, with renewed vigour they did continue to sail upon the waters.
And when they grew weary, the Supreme God of Everything did send manna from heaven and the Divine Mortals did partake of this bounty. But yea, so occupied were they with the fruits of heaven that much water did seep stealthily onto the vessel. And once again the Divine Mortals did have a need to bail mightily.
And hark, by Divine Intervention, the Green Coffin of Leaves did float again upon the water. And with renewed faith the Divine Mortals did advance. Though their mortal bodies tired, they did put fourth more effort than they ever had before.
Whereupon a Demon Vessel did invade the calm waters. And the Demon Vessel did create Waves of Swaying Destruction. The Waves of Swaying Destruction did cause much damage and water upon the Floating Green Coffin of Leaves.
And it did sink.
Long did the Divine Mortals sorrow, and verily they did bow before the Supreme God of Everything and beg forgiveness. And the Supreme God of Everything did smile upon the Five Divine Mortals and did answer their prayers. Thusly, the Five Divine Mortals obtained a fourth Golden Chance.
With renewed faith the Divine Mortals did commission the building of another vessel. Forthwith the Ship of Itchy Straw was built and set upon the water. And again, Superlative Fail the Buff did captain the ship, with Professor Giggles the Tall at his side.
Ere the Divine Mortals sailed twenty paces from the docks, however, a great misfortune did fall upon the pair. The Mast of Shoddy Workmanship did fall and assault the erstwhile crew. Undeterred, the Divine Mortals did make swift repairs and did continue the journey. Battling the demonic power of the open sea, Superlative Fail the Buff did command the unfurling of the sails. Whereupon it did become clear that no heavenly wind blew to aid their quest.
And so Superlative Fail, who had captained each vessel thus far, did make a Decision of Some Repute, and did order The Mast of Shoddy Workmanship be brought down. Thusly, using dull blades, the hindrance was cut from the Ship of Itchy Straw and cast out. And the Divine Mortals did sail on.
Mightily they did row, and they did move several feet before water did seep into the boat. There was much fuss and blaming of others as Professor Giggles the Tall did take up the Ladle of Prolonged Boat Life and did bail swiftly. As such, they did patch the leak with yet more straw and continue onward.
Henceforth, however, the Divine Mortals did tire and did lay in repose upon the Ship of Itchy Straw. And the Great God Jonny did see this and did send sustenance to aid His Chosen. Renewed, the Divine Mortals paddled stalwart and high of spirit. And still, when the need to bail arose once more, they did so with great vigour.
Yea, but hark, there did appear on the horizon a Fishing Boat of Annihilation and it did cause great waves that did sway the vessel. Whereupon one follower was swept into the ocean and had to be rescued by the Divine Mortals. And so it became clear that the Ship of Itchy Straw was falling apart and thus they did cut away the excess.
Thus the Ship of Itchy Straw had become a Raft of Squelchy Hay. But verily, it did yet float, and the Divine Mortals refused to succumb. And so it was that Professor Giggles the Tall did fall overboard and in his rescue another follower fell into the sea. Yea, as the Raft of Squelchy Hay disintegrated underfoot, the followers of the Divine Mortals did sacrifice themselves and did beseech the Divine Mortals to continue.
But the Divine Mortals were kindly men. Though they respected the sacrifice of their disciples, neither Superlative Fail nor Professor Giggles could abandon the innocent men. Thusly they did surrender, and did join their followers in the ocean. Mightily they did jump from the Raft of Squelchy Hay.
And they did fail.
Again the Divine Mortals did await retribution from the Supreme God of Everything. And the Supreme God did consider carefully the plight of the Five Divine Mortals. He had seen the kind actions of His Chosen and could not punish them for it. Indeed, He did also see that never had Super Brow the Fabulous taken part in the testing of craft and He wondered.
It did behove the Supreme God of Everything to have the Five Divine Mortals working together. Whereupon, He did decide to grant unto them a fifth and final Golden Chance….
To be continued in the Book of Rainbows - 99:09
….Or not.
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Hehehe… Thanks for reading! Feedback is loved, of course, and I’d love to hear if you guys have any ideas for more Arashi Gospel stories.
As a little side note, I noticed today that I have inadvertently posted something every other day so far this month, so I think it’ll be interesting to see if I can keep it up until the 30th. We’ll see….