i feel so far away from close to you

[amidarla]

I didn't leave the glass from the shattered mirror on the floor, but neither did I pack anything to take with me as I walked out the door. It was useless, I knew, because everything would fall into place when I saw Lindsey again; my Angel-induced identity crisis would cease to be a problem, and everything would work itself out, the way it never

Comments

[cordys_bitch]

The call from Darla surprises me. I can't remember my mother ever calling my cell phone before. Usually it's Lindsey or my other mom who calls to check in with me. When I first see the number, I think it's Lindsey, since it is from the apartment. Darla's voice, there is something wrong with her voice.

She wants me to come to the apartment. Darla needs to talk to me and I can't ask her what's wrong because she hangs up. I've always been a careful driver, but tonight I'm dodging in and out of traffic, laying on the horn, desperate to get to my Uncle's apartment. He drives like this and I always tell him to slow down. There's nothing but time, and Lindsey rolls his eyes, and cuts off someone in an attempt to shave a few seconds off the drive time.

I'm not sure why I'm thinking about this now, but there is this feeling in my stomach that something really wrong. The elevator moves too slow. I should have taken the stairs. I use my key to let myself in and stop in the doorway.

Why does Darla smell like my Uncle's blood?

"What happened

[amidarla]

He walks in the door and I look up from my misery swirling in a glass of tap water to see my boy standing there, worry in his eyes.

"What happened?" he asks, and I don't know what to say to him, don't know what to say because if I vocalize it, the past hour really occurred and I'd felt Lindsey grow cold in my arms.

"Connor," I sigh, knowing that I must look a fright. Eyes red from crying, cheeks stained with tears, a face that must reveal the truth like a book, but I have to tell him. "Connor, baby, sit down."

I stretch my hand out toward him, setting the glass down on the table and taking a deep breath in preparation, as if anything could prepare me for this. I'd caused and survived massacres, been betrayed and killed... but this was different. This wasn't my death and even if it were, I'd never had to break the news to my son.

[cordys_bitch]

"Connor, baby, sit down." I can't breathe. The tears on her face, the look in her eyes, but mostly it's the sound of her voice when she speaks to me, makes it impossible for me to breathe. No. No, whatever she wants to tell me, I don't want to know. I don't want to hear it

[amidarla]

He's squeezing my hand, but it's my heart that's breaking as I look at his face, my heart breaking all over again. Once for Lindsey and once for Connor, as he asks me where his uncle is. His uncle who was never his uncle, but was only there to do what I couldn't.

"He's gone," I finally say, and the words are out there, their sound a surprise even to me. But it isn't a surprise, because I was there and Connor already knew -- knew it from the second that he walked in the door.

"He --" I don't elaborate because I can't speak, I can only sob. Tears are falling from my eyes anew, dripping off my cheeks and onto my arms and chest and I can't breathe, can only gasp and struggle for air.

Things were not supposed to end this way.