Fic for reddorozette (4/5)
Title: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow {4/5}
Written for: reddorozette
Pairing: pikame (& a bit of ryokame)
Words: 36 427
Rating: PG-15? (somewhere between PG-13 and R)
Notes: thank you very much to my beta!!!!! <3333
Summary: From the first moment that he met Kamenashi Kazuya, Yamashita Tomohisa knew, just knew, that somehow, he had done something horrible to the younger boy. Is it possible to hate someone in one life, but love them in the next? In one life, Yamashita Tomohisa murdered Kamenashi Kazuya but in this life, he's in love with him...
--
Even though he would never admit it to anyone, Tomohisa was getting desperate. The joining ceremony had come and gone, and there was nothing he could do about that anymore. The only thing he had been able to do in the recent weeks had been to continue to try to scare off all potential consorts, but he had a feeling that his father was beginning to suspect him, so he had been forced to stop for a while.
Ryo and Kazuya had come back from a short trip to celebrate their joining earlier this week, and Tomohisa had wanted to retch at the sight of their clearly blissful faces. He wanted to do nothing but wipe those stupid smiles off their faces; they were only able to be happy because they had everything that Tomohisa deserved.
Ryo didn’t deserve to be the heir; he had already abandoned the family once, and that should have been Tomohisa’s chance, but instead of doing what was right, Lord Nishikido had decided to offer Ryo what he wanted and give him forgiveness. Tomohisa had been literally sick when he realized that all his hopes would be dashed the moment Ryo returned to the family.
He deserved it more than Ryo!
Tomohisa knew his behaviour was far from subtle lately, but he needed to do something.
What if…
No, he thought with an angry scowl as he walked down the hallway, he needed to do something that wouldn’t be as likely to come back and put the blame on himself.
He needed to continue what he was doing and discourage any and all potential consorts. Eventually, his father would realize that there was something wrong with the situation, but considering Tomohisa had never been in the same room as them while he was around, he wouldn’t suspect Tomohisa now that Ryo was back. He would most likely blame Ryo if consorts kept turning him down.
Or better yet, he would blame Kazuya which would make it even easier!
If Kazuya upset Tomohisa’s father in some way, and he was sent away, Ryo would go with him!
“Good evening.”
Tomohisa scowled inwardly at the potential consort who was supposed to be meeting with his father today. He plastered a friendly smile on his face though.
“What is it?”
“I was told to go to the garden to look for Lord Ryo?” she started hesitantly, “I’m lost.”
“Why would you do that?” Tomohisa started, plastering on a concerned expression, “You do realize that there is no way that you’ll be chosen as a consort. Ryo was just telling me himself that he hates girls like you.” He said with a smirk.
“Are you Lord Ryo's brother?” she asked suddenly.
“How do you know?” Tomohisa frowned; he hadn’t shown himself before now, so…
“Lord Nishikido told me not to listen to Ryo-sama’s brother if I come across him.” The girl said politely.
Tomohisa was torn between shock and glaring. So his father was warning people not to listen to anything he said?
“I’ll just…look for the garden myself,” the girl said nervously, backing away; whatever his father said must have been effective to make her so wary of him.
Tomohisa moved forward quickly, clutching her wrist in his hand with a glare, "You’re not going anywhere. Listen, you stupid girl, you’re going to go back to your family and tell them that you don’t think this situation is a proper choice for you, or else I will make sure to dig up enough information on your family that my father will refuse to do any more business with your family - wouldn’t that be terrible?” he mocked, already knowing that this girl’s family relied heavily on a partnership with Tomohisa’s father.
“I - no, my parents want this arrangement a lot…” she tried wrenching her wrist out of Tomohisa’s grip but he held on.
Tomohisa felt a surge of annoyance.
“I could break your arm right here and now.” Tomohisa snarled.
“But you won’t,” a voice interrupted him.
Tomohisa whirled around, glaring furiously; his glare intensified at the sight of Kazuya, arms crossed and a clear look of dislike on his face.
“I see you’re still beating up girls,” Kazuya retorted, “Let go of her, Tomohisa.”
“Kazuya.” Tomohisa hissed but complied, pushing the girl away from him, “It’s your fault I’m doing this to her anyway! If you and my stupid brother had stayed away, everything would be as it should be!”
“I don’t believe in letting bullies win,” Kazuya retorted, “That’s why your own father refuses to leave you anything, because you are a coward and a bully, and that’s why Ryo will always be a thousand times better than you at everything he does.”
“My father - what do you know about my father?” Tomohisa snarled, “Nothing! You know nothing! You don’t know that -” he trailed off when he noticed that the girl had run off, and from the sounds of it, crying. He knew, just knew, that that couldn’t be good. She probably believed herself to be safe now, now that someone had come help her. Which meant that she might actually tell someone what he had just tried to do.
Tomohisa hissed violently at Kazuya, “Look what you’ve done!”
“Your father is a good man, and you have no right to continue to undermine his efforts or his honour as you have done until now. How many families have you spread lies to just so you can get your own way? Ruining your father’s own reputation?”
“He’s only nice to you because you held the key to the political alliance with your family! That’s all you are: a tool!”
Kazuya seemed unfazed by Tomohisa’s words.
“At least that means I’m important to him,” he said with a tone that indicated what he truly meant: that Tomohisa wasn’t important to his father.
Tomohisa saw red.
“You stupid -” Tomohisa reached out to hit the younger man, but he was stopped by a hand gripping his wrist, before that hand twisted his arm behind his back. Tomohisa glared heavily at Kazuya, remembering suddenly that Kazuya, although he didn’t look like it, could give his older brothers a run for their money at sporting competitions.
“Don’t try that again. It may work on those girls you threaten but I’m not a girl,” Kazuya said lowly, “I’d advise you not to strike me ever again. It’s a piece of advice for your own good. I don’t like you but you’re Ryo’s brother, so I’ll tolerate you.”
“Probably not for long though.”
Tomohisa froze at that voice, dread filling him. He looked up and saw Ryo standing there, the girl from before not far from him; she was wiping her eyes on her sleeve. It figured that the girl would find her way to Ryo and bring him here. It just figured. Of course he doubted he had been that far away anyway, considering that he and Kazuya had rarely been far apart since their return. Tomohisa cursed, wishing he had remembered that.
Ryo’s dark eyes were menacing and cold, unlike how friendly they normally were to Tomohisa, and Tomohisa was reminded of his father when he lost his temper, “You won’t be putting up with him much longer Kazuya, because I will never forgive him for hitting you.”
“He didn’t hit me. I blocked it.” Kazuya said, looking unsure, “Ryo, he’s your brother…”
Tomohisa wanted to laugh at that. Trust his brother’s lover to want to salvage the non-existent brotherly bond between them. He knew what Tomohisa thought of Ryo and still thought there was something to salvage, what an idiot!
“He’s obviously never thought of me as one, if what I just heard and saw is anything to go by.” Ryo said with clear anger in his voice, "Besides, he's always going on and on about upholding the family name. He should listen to his own preaching for once."
Tomohisa straightened, “What are you going to do?” he asked mockingly, “You can’t do anything to me. You’re not head of the family yet.”
Ryo looked at him for a moment, and then he reached out and punched Tomohisa right in the jaw. Tomohisa stumbled back, hitting the wall,
“That’s all?” he sneered, “That won’t stop me. Did you think I’d be scared off by just that?”
“No, that was for daring to hurt Kazuya.” Ryo said before he paused, “Even if he obviously didn’t need my help. No, you're the one who wanted father’s attention so much. You’ll have it. More than you bargained for.”
Tomohisa wanted to scoff at that, but he couldn’t. His father was going to be more than just upset, he knew. He would be furious.
“He won’t send me away for just hitting Kazuya,” he said darkly, “It was just an argument, or so I could say. It’s not like your precious lover will tell on me, will you Kazuya?” he mocked, “You’re too suspicious of me to let them send me away. You don’t know what I might do.” he threatened.
Kazuya was grim-faced as he looked at Tomohisa, “I only kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want Ryo to lose his brother.” He said, not saying anything else, but he didn’t have to. Tomohisa got the message.
He was doomed.
* * *
Yamapi wasn't entirely sure when it was that he had fallen asleep but when he woke up, he was shivering - and not from the cold. His hands shook as he tried to block the images of his dream from his mind, wanting to do anything to get rid of the realistic sensations he could still feel even though he was awake now. Whenever he was in these nightmares, it was like he wasn’t aware of himself, and did things that he normally wouldn’t do, and when he woke up, all the inner screaming that it was wrong, that it wasn’t him, came to the surface, overwhelming him.
This time, it was worse than usual, because those emotions he felt in the dream were darker and more violent than anything he had felt before.
How was any human able to feel such eagerness to inflict pain on others?
And the rage he felt when he wasn’t able to destroy those close to him - it was overwhelming and blinding, and it was painful for him to feel it even second-hand.
It wasn’t until Yamapi turned to pull the covers over himself that he realized that he wasn’t in the main area of the dorm anymore, but in his room and safely in his bed. He sat up, clutching his blankets to himself, when he gave a start. Kamenashi was sitting in his desk chair, and he was staring with more than obvious concern at Yamapi.
He flushed under the scrutiny and the fact that it was Kamenashi giving him such a piercing stare, and tried his best to feign nonchalance.
He knew he was failing at it though, especially after what he remembered telling Kamenashi the night before.
After a long moment, Kamenashi spoke, "So, you never answered my question last night before you passed out - probably from tiredness." he started.
Yamapi stared in confusion, before he was hit with realization.
A strong hand gripped his, pushing it away from the younger man's face, keeping him from touching the younger man, and confused, slightly hopeful eyes regarded him, "So, was what you said to me before a lie? To keep me from getting closer?"
His heart froze, and he tried to wrench his hand away, but the younger man had a tight grip on it.
Their eyes locked for a long time, and Yamapi finally managed to push himself away from the table and stood up, wanting to escape the question, to escape the almost accusing look in Kamenashi's eyes - he didn't make it far.
The world started to spin as soon as he stood up, and it only stopped when darkness took over.
He recoiled a little, but looking at Kamenashi now, at the tired, but determined look in the younger man's eyes, he knew that at the very least, he owed Kamenashi an answer to that.
"Yes," he said, swallowing the urge to lie again.
Kamenashi's face clouded over, his jaw tightening, "And you decided that it would just be better to never tell me that my feelings were returned? To let me believe that what I felt for you would never be returned and let me feel bad about it?"
Yamapi hesitated; that sounded so terrible when Kamenashi said it.
"Yes," he admitted quietly.
Kamenashi looked like he wasn't sure whether he wanted to yell or strike him, so Yamapi stayed there, bracing himself for whatever Kamenashi did.
He was surprised, though, when he heard a resigned sigh instead. He looked up to see that Kamenashi was looking at him with pure sadness in his brown eyes.
"Why can't you trust me?" he asked.
The tone in his voice broke Yamapi's heart and he opened his mouth to protest that he did - well, as much as he trusted anyone these days. His dreams made him isolate himself, and he probably would have isolated himself away from Kamenashi too if Kamenashi wasn't so -
So…
There. He didn't know how else to describe it, but Kamenashi's presence, his show of annoyance at Yamapi at the beginning, his defending of Yamapi to anybody questioning him, everything he did made Yamapi feel so not strange, so normal, so good that he couldn’t bear to push Kamenashi away.
Ironically, it was probably the act of getting closer to Kamenashi, of telling him everything, that would push him away in the end, not anything that Yamapi purposely did.
And he was afraid of that moment, even though he knew that it would be coming soon. He knew that he couldn't hold onto this secret for much longer, couldn’t hide it from Kamenashi for much longer, which was what made him so desperate to keep hiding it for as long as he could.
He wanted Kamenashi to treat him normally, to treat him like he deserved to be defended and liked, for as long as possible.
"I do," Yamapi finally found himself replying, in a choked voice, "I just…I'm scared of what will happen when I finally tell someone, and you getting close would have meant that." he tried to justify himself.
Kamenashi's eyes were still hurt, still angry, "You keep saying that I'll go away once I find out; do you think so little of me? Do you think I’ll run at the first sign of trouble just like that?" he snapped.
Yamapi had nothing to say to that, blinking in surprise at that question. Of course he didn't, but…
Kamenashi was opening and closing his fist, obviously angry and hurt right now, "You're a coward, Yamashita." he said coldly after a moment, "It's not a given that I'll hate you if I find out whatever it is - if being the key word because even though you say I'm important to you, you don't even trust me. You've already given up." he said harshly.
Yamapi winced, hating the fact that a coward was the same thing he had often called himself, and hating the fact that he was hurting Kamenashi right now, maybe even more than he was hurting himself. He had lied to Kamenashi and hurt him to protect himself because he was selfish and scared.
"I'm just…" Yamapi tried his best to explain himself, to validate his reasons.
“I don’t know why I bothered getting so worked up over you,” Kamenashi said quietly, shoulders slumping, “You know what, you’re sort of right, Yamashita. Maybe I will be gone one day, but it won’t be because of what you think. I’m not going to believe forever in someone who refuses to even try to believe in me.” He said flatly, standing up when there was a loud knock at the door.
“I have class.” He said in an irritated voice, “I’ll be back later. Get some sleep. You obviously need it.”
He opened the door, and Yamapi wasn’t even all that surprised to see Nishikido there.
“Hiroki sent me to get you,” the older man looked quite disgruntled, “Hurry up.”
“One minute,” Kazuya said, running off to his room to change.
Nishikido stared at the closed door for a moment, before heading to lean against Yamapi’s door frame with a raised eyebrow, “What did you do to him?” he asked harshly, suspiciously.
Yamapi balked at the accusation, “Nothing!” he insisted.
Nishikido stared piercingly at him for a long moment and Yamapi shifted uncomfortably, feeling awkward that it was this face that was giving him such a suspicious look.
“I didn’t do anything!” Yamapi insisted.
Nishikido narrowed his eyes at him, and said slowly, “I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt this time.” He said a bit harshly.
Yamapi was struck by how similar the Nishikido in his dreams and in real life were. He was still extremely protective of Kazuya -
“Wait,” he said slowly, “Why are you so suspicious of me?” he couldn’t help asking. He couldn’t help but wonder…
Nishikido stared at him for a moment, before shaking his head, a smirk on his lips, “Don’t think too hard about it. You just remind me of someone unpleasant.” He said cryptically.
Yamapi felt his heart race; was it possible…?
No, it couldn’t be, because it was just a figment of his imagination. It was just a coincidence. Just a coincidence.
He wished he believed it more, but the truth was he hadn’t believed that reasoning for a long time.
“Someone I considered a brother but who never considered me one.” Nishikido said darkly, tonelessly, like he wasn’t even really there. It was almost as if he was caught up in his own thoughts but not just his thoughts, like he was off in another world that only he could see, “And then he betrayed me in the worst way possible.”
Yamapi shuddered; Nishikido had that same look that he had never seen but had experienced many times, of being caught in a series of images that nobody else could see. He had never seen it but he had felt it enough times to recognize it, he just knew.
Like how he knew that that sense of familiarity and wariness when he saw Nishikido was from more than just from recognizing his face as the one in his dreams. It was a feeling of foreboding, a feeling that left him cold, a feeling of just knowing.
“Ryo, let’s go.” Kamenashi’s voice interrupted, and Yamapi and Nishikido both jolted out of being in their own worlds to stare at the younger man.
“Sure, let’s go,” Nishikido agreed with a smirk.
“What were you doing anyway?” Kamenashi asked, sending an irritated look around Nishikido at Yamapi.
“Wondering if there’s any way your roommate can look any worse than he does right now.” Nishikido answered sardonically.
Just as he said this, Nishikido turned to look at Yamapi once more, and Yamapi felt a shiver go through him.
Piercing dark eyes locked with his.
And Yamapi had to bite back a gasp, as one single look in those eyes confirmed what his observations just now failed to. That look, the one he had seen many times in his dreams, a look that was signature to the Nishikido in his dreams.
Nishikido knew.
* * *
Tomohisa seethed, as well as was recoiled in a bit of fear, as he stared at the furious expression of his father. He was seething because of the realization that all his plans were ruined from this moment on; nobody was doing what they were supposed to. The girl hadn't cowered in fear of his wrath because she had found what she perceived to be protectors in Kazuya and Ryo; Kazuya had stopped trying to hide what he knew of Tomohisa, because now that Ryo knew and was well-aware of what Tomohisa was really like, he didn't feel as hesitant about possibly ruining Ryo's good relations with his brother. That, apparently, as well as the reason of wanting to keep an eye on Tomohisa, had been the main motivator for Kazuya's silence in the past. Now that Ryo was aware, though, everything changed.
Tomohisa couldn't rely on Kazuya’s silence anymore, especially as he knew that if Ryo knew, Kazuya would allow Ryo to make the decision of what to do with Tomohisa.
Ryo's decision was to inform the head of the family, namely their father.
Tomohisa would have too; the quickest way to deal with a problem was to bring it to their father. Tomohisa, if he had ever gotten any dirt on Ryo, would have brought it to their father as quickly as possible. In fact, he was the one who informed their father of Ryo and Kazuya's relationship years ago, hoping the resulting fight would have meant that Ryo would be banished from the family.
Of course that hadn't turned out as well as he had hoped.
"Ryo and Kazuya have told me everything. The girl you attacked has too." his father started with barely restrained anger, "You should be grateful that her family, while furious with you, is grateful to Kazuya and Ryo for stepping in."
"Of course, perfect Ryo and perfect Kazuya." Tomohisa muttered.
"Silence!" his father slammed his palm on his desk, "Nobody asked for your comments, Tomohisa! You're in enough trouble as it is! Attacking daughters from noble houses, your brother's possible consorts? And attacking Kazuya?! You've gone too far this time!"
Tomohisa scowled, "I was just taking back what was rightfully mine. Ryo has no place being the heir - not when he abandoned the family for Kazuya two years ago! He has no right having all these allowances made for him when it should be me!"
"You will never be my heir, Tomohisa," his father said coldly.
"Why?" Tomohisa sneered, "Because I’m of commoner blood?"
"Yes, but also because you almost destroyed this family!" his father shouted, "You have nearly destroyed the good standing and reputation of this family with your selfish and greedy desires. You will never be the head of this family, not while both Ryo and I are alive and well - and if it comes to it, not as long as Kazuya is willing to take over."
Tomohisa was flabbergasted, "You'd rather have Kazuya as head of the family than me?"
"He's proven that he cares more about the future of the family than you," his father asserted harshly, "You've gone too far this time - too far for me to forgive. I know your brother thinks that I'll give you a good talking to and send you away for a short time. That's not happening." he said, making Tomohisa blink in surprise.
"Then what?" he snapped.
"You will be going away," his father started, "But you will not be coming back here ever. A carriage will arrive tomorrow. Unfortunately, I don't have it in me to give you a harsher punishment."
"Where am I going then?" he questioned icily, thinking that this didn't seem that harsh of a punishment. He could always make his way back himself.
"You will not know. Even when you get there, you will find no trace or any indication of where you are. The town has already been informed that you are not to be told. The carriage will be boarded up as well."
"To keep me from finding my way back?" Tomohisa sneered, but inwardly he was recoiling in shock. His father was serious about this - he wouldn’t be welcomed back in any way. This was as good as exiling him, even worse because he would have no idea where he was and which direction to head to get back to the estate.
"Yes. I've told you, Tomohisa, you will never be head of this family. Even if you do manage to find your way back, it'll be pointless because by the time you do, it will be too late - there will already be another heir." his father stated plainly. Tomohisa couldn't help but agree numbly in his mind at that; his father was right. By the time he made his way back - which would probably take years, considering he had no idea about the way and considering he would probably have to walk - Ryo would have that blasted child already.
He had lost.
And Tomohisa seethed at that fact.
* * *
Yamapi was up drinking coffee again when he heard voices outside the door and heard the key turning in the lock. He tensed, just waiting for Kamenashi to walk in and get on his case about trying to stay up again. He was surprised, though, when he saw Nishikido was with the younger man - again, he couldn’t help but note with a tinge of envy.
He took another sip of his coffee even as Kamenashi's eyes narrowed at him, and Nishikido looked with no little amusement at Kamenashi, before turning his suspicious eyes onto Yamapi.
"Welcome back." he greeted.
"You really need to stop acting like I'm going to get lost and be mugged," Kamenashi seemed to ignore him and turned to Nishikido with a raised eyebrow.
"Not until you stop looking so hideous." Nishikido retorted, tugging on a strand of Kamenashi's hair as he did, "I'm never taking a few weeks off school again if this is what my absence does to you."
"Yes, because this is due to my agony of you leaving me." Kamenashi retorted dryly, “And I don’t look that bad!”
"I knew it," Nishikido smirked, “And yeah you do.”
Yamapi was struck with the sudden realization that the Nishikido in real life and the Nishikido in his dreams acted very much alike. So, was it possible, if Nishikido remembered everything…
…that he likes Kamenashi? The annoying little voice inside of Yamapi's head nagged, Just like he does in the dreams.
Yamapi was seized with a feeling of panic even as he watched Nishikido and Kamenashi talking right now. He couldn’t even hear what they were saying - or more like, he couldn’t comprehend what they were saying, because the panic was overwhelming him.
It was only when Nishikido was out of the door, but not before giving Yamapi another wary look, that he calmed down.
"Coffee again?"
Strangely enough, it was Kamenashi's annoyed tone that calmed him down.
He breathed out, looking up at the younger man, "I need it." he explained.
"More like you just want to avoid sleeping." Kamenashi muttered.
"That's what people generally need coffee for." Yamapi retorted. He raised the cup to his lips again, looked at Kamenashi, and then sighed before putting it down and pushing it away from him.
Kamenashi looked surprised at that, before a small, pleased smile made its way across his face.
“I don’t mean to make you worry.” Yamapi said with a frown, “I just - I don’t know how to deal with everything.”
Kamenashi tilted his head, apparently somewhat appeased with that small action, “Nobody ever said you had to deal with this on your own.” He reasoned.
“If I tell someone I barely know, I’ll be treated like I’m insane.” Yamapi retorted, “If I tell someone I do know pretty well, they’ll either think I’m insane or hate me for it.”
“Why?” Kamenashi pressed, “You never told me why.”
“It’s -” Yamapi broke off, unable to continue, “Even I think I hate myself for it. Not the me right now that’s awake, not the me that you like, but the me that takes over in my dreams. He does things which I can’t stand, has these horrible feelings.” He explained as best he could without really explaining, “It’s like a demon that takes over.”
Kamenashi was staring at him, obviously surprised but at the same time, with a bit of sympathy. He probably suspected that the nightmares weren’t pleasant.
“I thought they were something you remembered…something traumatic…” Kamenashi explained awkwardly, slowly, “I don’t know, I don’t know much about your family life, but I thought it was…”
Yamapi started in surprise before shrugging and latching onto this chance to change the subject even if Kamenashi probably hadn’t meant for it to be that, “My family was glad when I left for university. They didn’t really like how odd I was from time to time - as you remember.”
Kamenashi nodded at that, but he was smirking just a little, something that made Yamapi’s heart jump, “But I kind of liked that oddness.” He admitted, “It was unnerving at first but you were so lost in your own little world that you never noticed that everyone hated me at one point - you never hated me, I mean.”
Yamapi couldn’t help it: he stared at Kamenashi. The younger man had just said something that nobody had ever said to him - that they didn’t mind, and even liked, how weird he had been.
Kamenashi cleared his throat, “That’s when I started to like you, I think. In our last year of high school. I…I used to date Ryo, actually,” he said, understandably awkward. Yamapi tried not to let an ‘aha!’ escape him; he should have known that Kamenashi and Nishikido would have liked each other - how could they not? Especially after what he had seen in those dreams that he now knew was more than just figments of his own imagination.
Still, expecting it and hearing it wasn’t quite the same thing. He felt a twinge of envy in his heart.
“But we broke up in the summer before that last year of high school, and it took a while for it not to be awkward whenever we saw each other, which was kind of hard since he and Uchi had been the only ones I could go to when I was hated by everyone. Even when our schoolmates stopped hating me, I didn’t feel like being friends with them.”
“You two seem close now.” Yamapi noted, trying to hide the strain in his voice.
Kamenashi gave a half-shrug, “But anyway, it was at that time that I realized that you kept treating me the same. You hadn’t changed at all. That’s about the time I began to actually notice you as more than ‘that guy who keeps staring at me’ and then… eventually like you. But…it wasn’t until university that I started to get the nerve to change things. So, I’m sorry for calling you a coward this morning,” he cleared his throat, “I know how hard it is to admit something that difficult. I was just…angry.”
“I thought you were right to be angry,” Yamapi said in surprise.
“I’m not apologizing for anything else I said though. I hate that you don’t trust me enough to tell me anything, not even your own feelings, even though you say I’m important to you.” Kamenashi said bitingly, tone changing suddenly, “I won’t pretend to understand what you’re going through, because what you said just now sounds frightening, but I…” he took a deep breath, “I just think that if I’m as important to you as you say I am, you would trust me.”
“I’m sorry…”
“I’m getting tired of this, Yamashita…” Kamenashi said with a sigh, “Of having feelings that the person I like is too scared to return.”
Yamapi felt fear fill him, even as a part of him wanted to respond to that - to grab Kamenashi and keep him from continuing, to act on what he wanted for once.
But that part of him that was afraid to be hurt wouldn’t let him.
“I guess…to you, I’m just not worth it, huh?” Kamenashi asked with a fake smile that even strangers could have seen through. He moved to stand up, trying to hide that flash of pain and hurt that Yamapi had seen too many times already.
“No!” Yamapi stood up as well, latching onto Kameashi’s wrist and keeping him from moving, “No, you are.”
Kamenashi looked at him and Yamapi felt his words freeze, like they had many times before. He whispered softly, fearfully, “You’re so important,” he whispered desperately. An image of the Kamenashi in his dreams came to his mind - an expression of loathing, of disgust, directed at him. He was scared, so scared; he began to loosen his grip…
Kamenashi wrenched his wrist out of his hand, and turned it around on him, gripping Yamapi’s shoulder so hard that it hurt. He backed Yamapi in the wall, pushing him roughly against it, “Then why don’t my feelings ever matter to you?” he hissed, before releasing Yamapi and turning away, heading to his room with his jaw clenched.
“I’m sorry, I just need…time,” Yamapi tried; he was so desperate to hold onto Kamenashi, but he was too scared of what might happen. Surely, he had time, right? He still had time before he had to admit what was happening in his nightmares, right? Surely he had time before everything changed, right?
Kamenshi’s room door slammed shut.
The sound tore a hole right through Yamapi’s heart.
* * *
Even without the coffee, Yamapi didn’t sleep that night. He couldn’t - not when Kamenashi’s words and expression, so filled with hurt, kept running through his head. Each time he remembered the way Kamenashi looked before he had retreated to his room, Yamapi’s heart would ache and throb with pain. He hated the fact that his inability to get over his own fears was hurting the younger man, and he hated how unreasonable he was being - it wasn’t fair to Kamenashi to keep him dangling like that.
Not only had Yamapi lied to Kamenashi at first - letting him believe that he was being rejected as well as experiencing all the feelings that came with that - but even when Yamapi had admitted that he had lied and that he did have feelings for Kamenashi, he was too scared to act on it.
It must have made Kamenashi feel horrible.
It must have made Kamenashi think that Yamapi didn’t see the risk worth it.
If Yamapi could, he would have hit himself. Multiple times.
Selfish coward, selfish coward, selfish coward, he raged at himself even as he sat at the kitchen table, not moving from it for more than a minute the entire night, berating himself over and over, until he felt he had enough courage to actually face Kamenashi like he should have done, to say the things he should have.
The sun had been up for a while, sunlight coming into the main area through the open door of Yamapi’s own room, when Kamenashi’s door opened.
Yamapi looked up immediately at the sound.
Kamenashi looked like he had at least gotten a bit of sleep, though not much, judging from the dark circles under his eyes; he was completely out of it. He ambled toward the bathroom, seemingly having not even noticed Yamapi, and the older man could hear the tap running. When Kamenashi came back out, face glistening with droplets of water, looking like he had shoved his head under the tap, he blinked, rubbed his eyes and then blinked again, “Yamashita?” he yawned, his voice hoarse.
Yamapi winced.
He could see Kamenashi hesitating; the younger man was obviously trying to decide whether he was more concerned about why Yamapi was up so early in the morning or whether he was more hurt and angry from the conversation last night. Concern seemed to win because Kamenashi made his way over.
“Did you even go to sleep?” he asked, his voice rich with disapproval and concern.
“No.” Yamapi admitted.
Kamenashi looked torn again; finally, he let out a sigh of frustration and settled down in the seat across from Yamapi, “Fine. Why?” he asked with a tone that suggested he had better have a good reason or else.
“Thinking,” Yamapi said with a wry look, “It’s not what you think. I wasn’t trying to avoid sleep - I just couldn’t sleep this time.”
Kamenashi’s expression relaxed just a little.
“I felt horrible about last night,” Yamapi continued, gathering up all his courage to say just that. Almost immediately, he wanted to back down again, to do what was safe and just hide away, but the look of wariness and hurt in Kamenashi’s eyes made him brutally beat down that urge.
Kamenashi sighed, “Are we going to do this so early in the morning?” he asked resignedly, “You know what will happen. You’ll just get scared and run away or hide, as always. Why are we bothering?” he asked just a bit bitterly, “You don’t trust me not to hurt you so why are we even doing this again?”
The tired tone, the indication that Kamenashi was beginning to lose hope, hurt Yamapi more than anything else.
“No!” he cried out.
Kamenashi just looked at him with an exasperated expression.
“No, it’s not - I’m trying not to hide this time.”
“I don’t think you meant to last time either.” Kamenashi remarked dryly.
“I - but I…” Yamapi struggled to say what he really meant.
“This going back and forth thing, I’m -” Kamenashi started to stand up, probably meaning to try to cut the conversation short before it could continue and just disappoint him again. Yamapi had grabbed onto his wrist though, just like the night before.
There was a moment of silence.
“So, how long until you let go?”
Yamapi shook his head determinedly, even though a part of him was screaming at him to take this chance and let go before Kamenashi found out all his dark, ugly secrets, and hated him.
But what’s worse is him hating me for who I am now, Yamapi thought sadly. He had been up all night thinking about this.
It was one thing if Kamenashi hated him for who he was in his dreams - and he knew it wasn’t long before Kamenashi found out, especially since he now knew that Nishikido was aware of them and who he was in those dreams - but it was even worse if Kamenashi hated him for the person he was in the present.
And it seemed as though everything was heading down that path.
If he kept clinging to Kamenashi but hurting him, it was going to end with Kamenashi hating him. He had to hold on and not let go this time.
“Yamashita?”
“I was up all night thinking about this.” He started, “I don’t want to be someone you can’t trust. I’m still scared of what will happen, but I - it hurts and frightens me more to think that one day you’ll hate me for what my fear did to you.”
Kamenashi’s expression had softened into a wary hope.
“You’re not letting go?”
“If I do, can you just hit me this time?” Yamapi asked hopefully, “It’s less painful. But no, I’m trying not to.”
He looked up at Kamenashi, before tugging on Kamenashi’s wrist to bring him falling down toward where he was; his whisper wasn’t more than a simple breath, “You’re worth it, you’re more than worth it.” He confirmed both to Kamenashi and to himself.
Kamenashi’s eyes were bright, despite how tired they had been just now, as the younger man leaned in closer, his breath falling on Yamapi’s skin in warm puffs of air.
Yamapi didn’t move away though, determined not to. He couldn’t always be paralyzed by his fear, he couldn’t always hurt those he cared about because of his fear. He had to face them, because, as he realized, hurting the people he loved was something he feared but…when he did that already because of his fear, then there was something wrong, and he had to fix that.
“I’m still a coward though.” He breathed out, warning the other. It wasn’t likely that this bravery thing would stay with him for much longer after all.
“We can work around it,” Kamenashi breathed back, before he brought their lips together in a kiss.
* * *
----> part 5
Written for: reddorozette
Pairing: pikame (& a bit of ryokame)
Words: 36 427
Rating: PG-15? (somewhere between PG-13 and R)
Notes: thank you very much to my beta!!!!! <3333
Summary: From the first moment that he met Kamenashi Kazuya, Yamashita Tomohisa knew, just knew, that somehow, he had done something horrible to the younger boy. Is it possible to hate someone in one life, but love them in the next? In one life, Yamashita Tomohisa murdered Kamenashi Kazuya but in this life, he's in love with him...
--
Even though he would never admit it to anyone, Tomohisa was getting desperate. The joining ceremony had come and gone, and there was nothing he could do about that anymore. The only thing he had been able to do in the recent weeks had been to continue to try to scare off all potential consorts, but he had a feeling that his father was beginning to suspect him, so he had been forced to stop for a while.
Ryo and Kazuya had come back from a short trip to celebrate their joining earlier this week, and Tomohisa had wanted to retch at the sight of their clearly blissful faces. He wanted to do nothing but wipe those stupid smiles off their faces; they were only able to be happy because they had everything that Tomohisa deserved.
Ryo didn’t deserve to be the heir; he had already abandoned the family once, and that should have been Tomohisa’s chance, but instead of doing what was right, Lord Nishikido had decided to offer Ryo what he wanted and give him forgiveness. Tomohisa had been literally sick when he realized that all his hopes would be dashed the moment Ryo returned to the family.
He deserved it more than Ryo!
Tomohisa knew his behaviour was far from subtle lately, but he needed to do something.
What if…
No, he thought with an angry scowl as he walked down the hallway, he needed to do something that wouldn’t be as likely to come back and put the blame on himself.
He needed to continue what he was doing and discourage any and all potential consorts. Eventually, his father would realize that there was something wrong with the situation, but considering Tomohisa had never been in the same room as them while he was around, he wouldn’t suspect Tomohisa now that Ryo was back. He would most likely blame Ryo if consorts kept turning him down.
Or better yet, he would blame Kazuya which would make it even easier!
If Kazuya upset Tomohisa’s father in some way, and he was sent away, Ryo would go with him!
“Good evening.”
Tomohisa scowled inwardly at the potential consort who was supposed to be meeting with his father today. He plastered a friendly smile on his face though.
“What is it?”
“I was told to go to the garden to look for Lord Ryo?” she started hesitantly, “I’m lost.”
“Why would you do that?” Tomohisa started, plastering on a concerned expression, “You do realize that there is no way that you’ll be chosen as a consort. Ryo was just telling me himself that he hates girls like you.” He said with a smirk.
“Are you Lord Ryo's brother?” she asked suddenly.
“How do you know?” Tomohisa frowned; he hadn’t shown himself before now, so…
“Lord Nishikido told me not to listen to Ryo-sama’s brother if I come across him.” The girl said politely.
Tomohisa was torn between shock and glaring. So his father was warning people not to listen to anything he said?
“I’ll just…look for the garden myself,” the girl said nervously, backing away; whatever his father said must have been effective to make her so wary of him.
Tomohisa moved forward quickly, clutching her wrist in his hand with a glare, "You’re not going anywhere. Listen, you stupid girl, you’re going to go back to your family and tell them that you don’t think this situation is a proper choice for you, or else I will make sure to dig up enough information on your family that my father will refuse to do any more business with your family - wouldn’t that be terrible?” he mocked, already knowing that this girl’s family relied heavily on a partnership with Tomohisa’s father.
“I - no, my parents want this arrangement a lot…” she tried wrenching her wrist out of Tomohisa’s grip but he held on.
Tomohisa felt a surge of annoyance.
“I could break your arm right here and now.” Tomohisa snarled.
“But you won’t,” a voice interrupted him.
Tomohisa whirled around, glaring furiously; his glare intensified at the sight of Kazuya, arms crossed and a clear look of dislike on his face.
“I see you’re still beating up girls,” Kazuya retorted, “Let go of her, Tomohisa.”
“Kazuya.” Tomohisa hissed but complied, pushing the girl away from him, “It’s your fault I’m doing this to her anyway! If you and my stupid brother had stayed away, everything would be as it should be!”
“I don’t believe in letting bullies win,” Kazuya retorted, “That’s why your own father refuses to leave you anything, because you are a coward and a bully, and that’s why Ryo will always be a thousand times better than you at everything he does.”
“My father - what do you know about my father?” Tomohisa snarled, “Nothing! You know nothing! You don’t know that -” he trailed off when he noticed that the girl had run off, and from the sounds of it, crying. He knew, just knew, that that couldn’t be good. She probably believed herself to be safe now, now that someone had come help her. Which meant that she might actually tell someone what he had just tried to do.
Tomohisa hissed violently at Kazuya, “Look what you’ve done!”
“Your father is a good man, and you have no right to continue to undermine his efforts or his honour as you have done until now. How many families have you spread lies to just so you can get your own way? Ruining your father’s own reputation?”
“He’s only nice to you because you held the key to the political alliance with your family! That’s all you are: a tool!”
Kazuya seemed unfazed by Tomohisa’s words.
“At least that means I’m important to him,” he said with a tone that indicated what he truly meant: that Tomohisa wasn’t important to his father.
Tomohisa saw red.
“You stupid -” Tomohisa reached out to hit the younger man, but he was stopped by a hand gripping his wrist, before that hand twisted his arm behind his back. Tomohisa glared heavily at Kazuya, remembering suddenly that Kazuya, although he didn’t look like it, could give his older brothers a run for their money at sporting competitions.
“Don’t try that again. It may work on those girls you threaten but I’m not a girl,” Kazuya said lowly, “I’d advise you not to strike me ever again. It’s a piece of advice for your own good. I don’t like you but you’re Ryo’s brother, so I’ll tolerate you.”
“Probably not for long though.”
Tomohisa froze at that voice, dread filling him. He looked up and saw Ryo standing there, the girl from before not far from him; she was wiping her eyes on her sleeve. It figured that the girl would find her way to Ryo and bring him here. It just figured. Of course he doubted he had been that far away anyway, considering that he and Kazuya had rarely been far apart since their return. Tomohisa cursed, wishing he had remembered that.
Ryo’s dark eyes were menacing and cold, unlike how friendly they normally were to Tomohisa, and Tomohisa was reminded of his father when he lost his temper, “You won’t be putting up with him much longer Kazuya, because I will never forgive him for hitting you.”
“He didn’t hit me. I blocked it.” Kazuya said, looking unsure, “Ryo, he’s your brother…”
Tomohisa wanted to laugh at that. Trust his brother’s lover to want to salvage the non-existent brotherly bond between them. He knew what Tomohisa thought of Ryo and still thought there was something to salvage, what an idiot!
“He’s obviously never thought of me as one, if what I just heard and saw is anything to go by.” Ryo said with clear anger in his voice, "Besides, he's always going on and on about upholding the family name. He should listen to his own preaching for once."
Tomohisa straightened, “What are you going to do?” he asked mockingly, “You can’t do anything to me. You’re not head of the family yet.”
Ryo looked at him for a moment, and then he reached out and punched Tomohisa right in the jaw. Tomohisa stumbled back, hitting the wall,
“That’s all?” he sneered, “That won’t stop me. Did you think I’d be scared off by just that?”
“No, that was for daring to hurt Kazuya.” Ryo said before he paused, “Even if he obviously didn’t need my help. No, you're the one who wanted father’s attention so much. You’ll have it. More than you bargained for.”
Tomohisa wanted to scoff at that, but he couldn’t. His father was going to be more than just upset, he knew. He would be furious.
“He won’t send me away for just hitting Kazuya,” he said darkly, “It was just an argument, or so I could say. It’s not like your precious lover will tell on me, will you Kazuya?” he mocked, “You’re too suspicious of me to let them send me away. You don’t know what I might do.” he threatened.
Kazuya was grim-faced as he looked at Tomohisa, “I only kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want Ryo to lose his brother.” He said, not saying anything else, but he didn’t have to. Tomohisa got the message.
He was doomed.
* * *
Yamapi wasn't entirely sure when it was that he had fallen asleep but when he woke up, he was shivering - and not from the cold. His hands shook as he tried to block the images of his dream from his mind, wanting to do anything to get rid of the realistic sensations he could still feel even though he was awake now. Whenever he was in these nightmares, it was like he wasn’t aware of himself, and did things that he normally wouldn’t do, and when he woke up, all the inner screaming that it was wrong, that it wasn’t him, came to the surface, overwhelming him.
This time, it was worse than usual, because those emotions he felt in the dream were darker and more violent than anything he had felt before.
How was any human able to feel such eagerness to inflict pain on others?
And the rage he felt when he wasn’t able to destroy those close to him - it was overwhelming and blinding, and it was painful for him to feel it even second-hand.
It wasn’t until Yamapi turned to pull the covers over himself that he realized that he wasn’t in the main area of the dorm anymore, but in his room and safely in his bed. He sat up, clutching his blankets to himself, when he gave a start. Kamenashi was sitting in his desk chair, and he was staring with more than obvious concern at Yamapi.
He flushed under the scrutiny and the fact that it was Kamenashi giving him such a piercing stare, and tried his best to feign nonchalance.
He knew he was failing at it though, especially after what he remembered telling Kamenashi the night before.
After a long moment, Kamenashi spoke, "So, you never answered my question last night before you passed out - probably from tiredness." he started.
Yamapi stared in confusion, before he was hit with realization.
A strong hand gripped his, pushing it away from the younger man's face, keeping him from touching the younger man, and confused, slightly hopeful eyes regarded him, "So, was what you said to me before a lie? To keep me from getting closer?"
His heart froze, and he tried to wrench his hand away, but the younger man had a tight grip on it.
Their eyes locked for a long time, and Yamapi finally managed to push himself away from the table and stood up, wanting to escape the question, to escape the almost accusing look in Kamenashi's eyes - he didn't make it far.
The world started to spin as soon as he stood up, and it only stopped when darkness took over.
He recoiled a little, but looking at Kamenashi now, at the tired, but determined look in the younger man's eyes, he knew that at the very least, he owed Kamenashi an answer to that.
"Yes," he said, swallowing the urge to lie again.
Kamenashi's face clouded over, his jaw tightening, "And you decided that it would just be better to never tell me that my feelings were returned? To let me believe that what I felt for you would never be returned and let me feel bad about it?"
Yamapi hesitated; that sounded so terrible when Kamenashi said it.
"Yes," he admitted quietly.
Kamenashi looked like he wasn't sure whether he wanted to yell or strike him, so Yamapi stayed there, bracing himself for whatever Kamenashi did.
He was surprised, though, when he heard a resigned sigh instead. He looked up to see that Kamenashi was looking at him with pure sadness in his brown eyes.
"Why can't you trust me?" he asked.
The tone in his voice broke Yamapi's heart and he opened his mouth to protest that he did - well, as much as he trusted anyone these days. His dreams made him isolate himself, and he probably would have isolated himself away from Kamenashi too if Kamenashi wasn't so -
So…
There. He didn't know how else to describe it, but Kamenashi's presence, his show of annoyance at Yamapi at the beginning, his defending of Yamapi to anybody questioning him, everything he did made Yamapi feel so not strange, so normal, so good that he couldn’t bear to push Kamenashi away.
Ironically, it was probably the act of getting closer to Kamenashi, of telling him everything, that would push him away in the end, not anything that Yamapi purposely did.
And he was afraid of that moment, even though he knew that it would be coming soon. He knew that he couldn't hold onto this secret for much longer, couldn’t hide it from Kamenashi for much longer, which was what made him so desperate to keep hiding it for as long as he could.
He wanted Kamenashi to treat him normally, to treat him like he deserved to be defended and liked, for as long as possible.
"I do," Yamapi finally found himself replying, in a choked voice, "I just…I'm scared of what will happen when I finally tell someone, and you getting close would have meant that." he tried to justify himself.
Kamenashi's eyes were still hurt, still angry, "You keep saying that I'll go away once I find out; do you think so little of me? Do you think I’ll run at the first sign of trouble just like that?" he snapped.
Yamapi had nothing to say to that, blinking in surprise at that question. Of course he didn't, but…
Kamenashi was opening and closing his fist, obviously angry and hurt right now, "You're a coward, Yamashita." he said coldly after a moment, "It's not a given that I'll hate you if I find out whatever it is - if being the key word because even though you say I'm important to you, you don't even trust me. You've already given up." he said harshly.
Yamapi winced, hating the fact that a coward was the same thing he had often called himself, and hating the fact that he was hurting Kamenashi right now, maybe even more than he was hurting himself. He had lied to Kamenashi and hurt him to protect himself because he was selfish and scared.
"I'm just…" Yamapi tried his best to explain himself, to validate his reasons.
“I don’t know why I bothered getting so worked up over you,” Kamenashi said quietly, shoulders slumping, “You know what, you’re sort of right, Yamashita. Maybe I will be gone one day, but it won’t be because of what you think. I’m not going to believe forever in someone who refuses to even try to believe in me.” He said flatly, standing up when there was a loud knock at the door.
“I have class.” He said in an irritated voice, “I’ll be back later. Get some sleep. You obviously need it.”
He opened the door, and Yamapi wasn’t even all that surprised to see Nishikido there.
“Hiroki sent me to get you,” the older man looked quite disgruntled, “Hurry up.”
“One minute,” Kazuya said, running off to his room to change.
Nishikido stared at the closed door for a moment, before heading to lean against Yamapi’s door frame with a raised eyebrow, “What did you do to him?” he asked harshly, suspiciously.
Yamapi balked at the accusation, “Nothing!” he insisted.
Nishikido stared piercingly at him for a long moment and Yamapi shifted uncomfortably, feeling awkward that it was this face that was giving him such a suspicious look.
“I didn’t do anything!” Yamapi insisted.
Nishikido narrowed his eyes at him, and said slowly, “I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt this time.” He said a bit harshly.
Yamapi was struck by how similar the Nishikido in his dreams and in real life were. He was still extremely protective of Kazuya -
“Wait,” he said slowly, “Why are you so suspicious of me?” he couldn’t help asking. He couldn’t help but wonder…
Nishikido stared at him for a moment, before shaking his head, a smirk on his lips, “Don’t think too hard about it. You just remind me of someone unpleasant.” He said cryptically.
Yamapi felt his heart race; was it possible…?
No, it couldn’t be, because it was just a figment of his imagination. It was just a coincidence. Just a coincidence.
He wished he believed it more, but the truth was he hadn’t believed that reasoning for a long time.
“Someone I considered a brother but who never considered me one.” Nishikido said darkly, tonelessly, like he wasn’t even really there. It was almost as if he was caught up in his own thoughts but not just his thoughts, like he was off in another world that only he could see, “And then he betrayed me in the worst way possible.”
Yamapi shuddered; Nishikido had that same look that he had never seen but had experienced many times, of being caught in a series of images that nobody else could see. He had never seen it but he had felt it enough times to recognize it, he just knew.
Like how he knew that that sense of familiarity and wariness when he saw Nishikido was from more than just from recognizing his face as the one in his dreams. It was a feeling of foreboding, a feeling that left him cold, a feeling of just knowing.
“Ryo, let’s go.” Kamenashi’s voice interrupted, and Yamapi and Nishikido both jolted out of being in their own worlds to stare at the younger man.
“Sure, let’s go,” Nishikido agreed with a smirk.
“What were you doing anyway?” Kamenashi asked, sending an irritated look around Nishikido at Yamapi.
“Wondering if there’s any way your roommate can look any worse than he does right now.” Nishikido answered sardonically.
Just as he said this, Nishikido turned to look at Yamapi once more, and Yamapi felt a shiver go through him.
Piercing dark eyes locked with his.
And Yamapi had to bite back a gasp, as one single look in those eyes confirmed what his observations just now failed to. That look, the one he had seen many times in his dreams, a look that was signature to the Nishikido in his dreams.
Nishikido knew.
* * *
Tomohisa seethed, as well as was recoiled in a bit of fear, as he stared at the furious expression of his father. He was seething because of the realization that all his plans were ruined from this moment on; nobody was doing what they were supposed to. The girl hadn't cowered in fear of his wrath because she had found what she perceived to be protectors in Kazuya and Ryo; Kazuya had stopped trying to hide what he knew of Tomohisa, because now that Ryo knew and was well-aware of what Tomohisa was really like, he didn't feel as hesitant about possibly ruining Ryo's good relations with his brother. That, apparently, as well as the reason of wanting to keep an eye on Tomohisa, had been the main motivator for Kazuya's silence in the past. Now that Ryo was aware, though, everything changed.
Tomohisa couldn't rely on Kazuya’s silence anymore, especially as he knew that if Ryo knew, Kazuya would allow Ryo to make the decision of what to do with Tomohisa.
Ryo's decision was to inform the head of the family, namely their father.
Tomohisa would have too; the quickest way to deal with a problem was to bring it to their father. Tomohisa, if he had ever gotten any dirt on Ryo, would have brought it to their father as quickly as possible. In fact, he was the one who informed their father of Ryo and Kazuya's relationship years ago, hoping the resulting fight would have meant that Ryo would be banished from the family.
Of course that hadn't turned out as well as he had hoped.
"Ryo and Kazuya have told me everything. The girl you attacked has too." his father started with barely restrained anger, "You should be grateful that her family, while furious with you, is grateful to Kazuya and Ryo for stepping in."
"Of course, perfect Ryo and perfect Kazuya." Tomohisa muttered.
"Silence!" his father slammed his palm on his desk, "Nobody asked for your comments, Tomohisa! You're in enough trouble as it is! Attacking daughters from noble houses, your brother's possible consorts? And attacking Kazuya?! You've gone too far this time!"
Tomohisa scowled, "I was just taking back what was rightfully mine. Ryo has no place being the heir - not when he abandoned the family for Kazuya two years ago! He has no right having all these allowances made for him when it should be me!"
"You will never be my heir, Tomohisa," his father said coldly.
"Why?" Tomohisa sneered, "Because I’m of commoner blood?"
"Yes, but also because you almost destroyed this family!" his father shouted, "You have nearly destroyed the good standing and reputation of this family with your selfish and greedy desires. You will never be the head of this family, not while both Ryo and I are alive and well - and if it comes to it, not as long as Kazuya is willing to take over."
Tomohisa was flabbergasted, "You'd rather have Kazuya as head of the family than me?"
"He's proven that he cares more about the future of the family than you," his father asserted harshly, "You've gone too far this time - too far for me to forgive. I know your brother thinks that I'll give you a good talking to and send you away for a short time. That's not happening." he said, making Tomohisa blink in surprise.
"Then what?" he snapped.
"You will be going away," his father started, "But you will not be coming back here ever. A carriage will arrive tomorrow. Unfortunately, I don't have it in me to give you a harsher punishment."
"Where am I going then?" he questioned icily, thinking that this didn't seem that harsh of a punishment. He could always make his way back himself.
"You will not know. Even when you get there, you will find no trace or any indication of where you are. The town has already been informed that you are not to be told. The carriage will be boarded up as well."
"To keep me from finding my way back?" Tomohisa sneered, but inwardly he was recoiling in shock. His father was serious about this - he wouldn’t be welcomed back in any way. This was as good as exiling him, even worse because he would have no idea where he was and which direction to head to get back to the estate.
"Yes. I've told you, Tomohisa, you will never be head of this family. Even if you do manage to find your way back, it'll be pointless because by the time you do, it will be too late - there will already be another heir." his father stated plainly. Tomohisa couldn't help but agree numbly in his mind at that; his father was right. By the time he made his way back - which would probably take years, considering he had no idea about the way and considering he would probably have to walk - Ryo would have that blasted child already.
He had lost.
And Tomohisa seethed at that fact.
* * *
Yamapi was up drinking coffee again when he heard voices outside the door and heard the key turning in the lock. He tensed, just waiting for Kamenashi to walk in and get on his case about trying to stay up again. He was surprised, though, when he saw Nishikido was with the younger man - again, he couldn’t help but note with a tinge of envy.
He took another sip of his coffee even as Kamenashi's eyes narrowed at him, and Nishikido looked with no little amusement at Kamenashi, before turning his suspicious eyes onto Yamapi.
"Welcome back." he greeted.
"You really need to stop acting like I'm going to get lost and be mugged," Kamenashi seemed to ignore him and turned to Nishikido with a raised eyebrow.
"Not until you stop looking so hideous." Nishikido retorted, tugging on a strand of Kamenashi's hair as he did, "I'm never taking a few weeks off school again if this is what my absence does to you."
"Yes, because this is due to my agony of you leaving me." Kamenashi retorted dryly, “And I don’t look that bad!”
"I knew it," Nishikido smirked, “And yeah you do.”
Yamapi was struck with the sudden realization that the Nishikido in real life and the Nishikido in his dreams acted very much alike. So, was it possible, if Nishikido remembered everything…
…that he likes Kamenashi? The annoying little voice inside of Yamapi's head nagged, Just like he does in the dreams.
Yamapi was seized with a feeling of panic even as he watched Nishikido and Kamenashi talking right now. He couldn’t even hear what they were saying - or more like, he couldn’t comprehend what they were saying, because the panic was overwhelming him.
It was only when Nishikido was out of the door, but not before giving Yamapi another wary look, that he calmed down.
"Coffee again?"
Strangely enough, it was Kamenashi's annoyed tone that calmed him down.
He breathed out, looking up at the younger man, "I need it." he explained.
"More like you just want to avoid sleeping." Kamenashi muttered.
"That's what people generally need coffee for." Yamapi retorted. He raised the cup to his lips again, looked at Kamenashi, and then sighed before putting it down and pushing it away from him.
Kamenashi looked surprised at that, before a small, pleased smile made its way across his face.
“I don’t mean to make you worry.” Yamapi said with a frown, “I just - I don’t know how to deal with everything.”
Kamenashi tilted his head, apparently somewhat appeased with that small action, “Nobody ever said you had to deal with this on your own.” He reasoned.
“If I tell someone I barely know, I’ll be treated like I’m insane.” Yamapi retorted, “If I tell someone I do know pretty well, they’ll either think I’m insane or hate me for it.”
“Why?” Kamenashi pressed, “You never told me why.”
“It’s -” Yamapi broke off, unable to continue, “Even I think I hate myself for it. Not the me right now that’s awake, not the me that you like, but the me that takes over in my dreams. He does things which I can’t stand, has these horrible feelings.” He explained as best he could without really explaining, “It’s like a demon that takes over.”
Kamenashi was staring at him, obviously surprised but at the same time, with a bit of sympathy. He probably suspected that the nightmares weren’t pleasant.
“I thought they were something you remembered…something traumatic…” Kamenashi explained awkwardly, slowly, “I don’t know, I don’t know much about your family life, but I thought it was…”
Yamapi started in surprise before shrugging and latching onto this chance to change the subject even if Kamenashi probably hadn’t meant for it to be that, “My family was glad when I left for university. They didn’t really like how odd I was from time to time - as you remember.”
Kamenashi nodded at that, but he was smirking just a little, something that made Yamapi’s heart jump, “But I kind of liked that oddness.” He admitted, “It was unnerving at first but you were so lost in your own little world that you never noticed that everyone hated me at one point - you never hated me, I mean.”
Yamapi couldn’t help it: he stared at Kamenashi. The younger man had just said something that nobody had ever said to him - that they didn’t mind, and even liked, how weird he had been.
Kamenashi cleared his throat, “That’s when I started to like you, I think. In our last year of high school. I…I used to date Ryo, actually,” he said, understandably awkward. Yamapi tried not to let an ‘aha!’ escape him; he should have known that Kamenashi and Nishikido would have liked each other - how could they not? Especially after what he had seen in those dreams that he now knew was more than just figments of his own imagination.
Still, expecting it and hearing it wasn’t quite the same thing. He felt a twinge of envy in his heart.
“But we broke up in the summer before that last year of high school, and it took a while for it not to be awkward whenever we saw each other, which was kind of hard since he and Uchi had been the only ones I could go to when I was hated by everyone. Even when our schoolmates stopped hating me, I didn’t feel like being friends with them.”
“You two seem close now.” Yamapi noted, trying to hide the strain in his voice.
Kamenashi gave a half-shrug, “But anyway, it was at that time that I realized that you kept treating me the same. You hadn’t changed at all. That’s about the time I began to actually notice you as more than ‘that guy who keeps staring at me’ and then… eventually like you. But…it wasn’t until university that I started to get the nerve to change things. So, I’m sorry for calling you a coward this morning,” he cleared his throat, “I know how hard it is to admit something that difficult. I was just…angry.”
“I thought you were right to be angry,” Yamapi said in surprise.
“I’m not apologizing for anything else I said though. I hate that you don’t trust me enough to tell me anything, not even your own feelings, even though you say I’m important to you.” Kamenashi said bitingly, tone changing suddenly, “I won’t pretend to understand what you’re going through, because what you said just now sounds frightening, but I…” he took a deep breath, “I just think that if I’m as important to you as you say I am, you would trust me.”
“I’m sorry…”
“I’m getting tired of this, Yamashita…” Kamenashi said with a sigh, “Of having feelings that the person I like is too scared to return.”
Yamapi felt fear fill him, even as a part of him wanted to respond to that - to grab Kamenashi and keep him from continuing, to act on what he wanted for once.
But that part of him that was afraid to be hurt wouldn’t let him.
“I guess…to you, I’m just not worth it, huh?” Kamenashi asked with a fake smile that even strangers could have seen through. He moved to stand up, trying to hide that flash of pain and hurt that Yamapi had seen too many times already.
“No!” Yamapi stood up as well, latching onto Kameashi’s wrist and keeping him from moving, “No, you are.”
Kamenashi looked at him and Yamapi felt his words freeze, like they had many times before. He whispered softly, fearfully, “You’re so important,” he whispered desperately. An image of the Kamenashi in his dreams came to his mind - an expression of loathing, of disgust, directed at him. He was scared, so scared; he began to loosen his grip…
Kamenashi wrenched his wrist out of his hand, and turned it around on him, gripping Yamapi’s shoulder so hard that it hurt. He backed Yamapi in the wall, pushing him roughly against it, “Then why don’t my feelings ever matter to you?” he hissed, before releasing Yamapi and turning away, heading to his room with his jaw clenched.
“I’m sorry, I just need…time,” Yamapi tried; he was so desperate to hold onto Kamenashi, but he was too scared of what might happen. Surely, he had time, right? He still had time before he had to admit what was happening in his nightmares, right? Surely he had time before everything changed, right?
Kamenshi’s room door slammed shut.
The sound tore a hole right through Yamapi’s heart.
* * *
Even without the coffee, Yamapi didn’t sleep that night. He couldn’t - not when Kamenashi’s words and expression, so filled with hurt, kept running through his head. Each time he remembered the way Kamenashi looked before he had retreated to his room, Yamapi’s heart would ache and throb with pain. He hated the fact that his inability to get over his own fears was hurting the younger man, and he hated how unreasonable he was being - it wasn’t fair to Kamenashi to keep him dangling like that.
Not only had Yamapi lied to Kamenashi at first - letting him believe that he was being rejected as well as experiencing all the feelings that came with that - but even when Yamapi had admitted that he had lied and that he did have feelings for Kamenashi, he was too scared to act on it.
It must have made Kamenashi feel horrible.
It must have made Kamenashi think that Yamapi didn’t see the risk worth it.
If Yamapi could, he would have hit himself. Multiple times.
Selfish coward, selfish coward, selfish coward, he raged at himself even as he sat at the kitchen table, not moving from it for more than a minute the entire night, berating himself over and over, until he felt he had enough courage to actually face Kamenashi like he should have done, to say the things he should have.
The sun had been up for a while, sunlight coming into the main area through the open door of Yamapi’s own room, when Kamenashi’s door opened.
Yamapi looked up immediately at the sound.
Kamenashi looked like he had at least gotten a bit of sleep, though not much, judging from the dark circles under his eyes; he was completely out of it. He ambled toward the bathroom, seemingly having not even noticed Yamapi, and the older man could hear the tap running. When Kamenashi came back out, face glistening with droplets of water, looking like he had shoved his head under the tap, he blinked, rubbed his eyes and then blinked again, “Yamashita?” he yawned, his voice hoarse.
Yamapi winced.
He could see Kamenashi hesitating; the younger man was obviously trying to decide whether he was more concerned about why Yamapi was up so early in the morning or whether he was more hurt and angry from the conversation last night. Concern seemed to win because Kamenashi made his way over.
“Did you even go to sleep?” he asked, his voice rich with disapproval and concern.
“No.” Yamapi admitted.
Kamenashi looked torn again; finally, he let out a sigh of frustration and settled down in the seat across from Yamapi, “Fine. Why?” he asked with a tone that suggested he had better have a good reason or else.
“Thinking,” Yamapi said with a wry look, “It’s not what you think. I wasn’t trying to avoid sleep - I just couldn’t sleep this time.”
Kamenashi’s expression relaxed just a little.
“I felt horrible about last night,” Yamapi continued, gathering up all his courage to say just that. Almost immediately, he wanted to back down again, to do what was safe and just hide away, but the look of wariness and hurt in Kamenashi’s eyes made him brutally beat down that urge.
Kamenashi sighed, “Are we going to do this so early in the morning?” he asked resignedly, “You know what will happen. You’ll just get scared and run away or hide, as always. Why are we bothering?” he asked just a bit bitterly, “You don’t trust me not to hurt you so why are we even doing this again?”
The tired tone, the indication that Kamenashi was beginning to lose hope, hurt Yamapi more than anything else.
“No!” he cried out.
Kamenashi just looked at him with an exasperated expression.
“No, it’s not - I’m trying not to hide this time.”
“I don’t think you meant to last time either.” Kamenashi remarked dryly.
“I - but I…” Yamapi struggled to say what he really meant.
“This going back and forth thing, I’m -” Kamenashi started to stand up, probably meaning to try to cut the conversation short before it could continue and just disappoint him again. Yamapi had grabbed onto his wrist though, just like the night before.
There was a moment of silence.
“So, how long until you let go?”
Yamapi shook his head determinedly, even though a part of him was screaming at him to take this chance and let go before Kamenashi found out all his dark, ugly secrets, and hated him.
But what’s worse is him hating me for who I am now, Yamapi thought sadly. He had been up all night thinking about this.
It was one thing if Kamenashi hated him for who he was in his dreams - and he knew it wasn’t long before Kamenashi found out, especially since he now knew that Nishikido was aware of them and who he was in those dreams - but it was even worse if Kamenashi hated him for the person he was in the present.
And it seemed as though everything was heading down that path.
If he kept clinging to Kamenashi but hurting him, it was going to end with Kamenashi hating him. He had to hold on and not let go this time.
“Yamashita?”
“I was up all night thinking about this.” He started, “I don’t want to be someone you can’t trust. I’m still scared of what will happen, but I - it hurts and frightens me more to think that one day you’ll hate me for what my fear did to you.”
Kamenashi’s expression had softened into a wary hope.
“You’re not letting go?”
“If I do, can you just hit me this time?” Yamapi asked hopefully, “It’s less painful. But no, I’m trying not to.”
He looked up at Kamenashi, before tugging on Kamenashi’s wrist to bring him falling down toward where he was; his whisper wasn’t more than a simple breath, “You’re worth it, you’re more than worth it.” He confirmed both to Kamenashi and to himself.
Kamenashi’s eyes were bright, despite how tired they had been just now, as the younger man leaned in closer, his breath falling on Yamapi’s skin in warm puffs of air.
Yamapi didn’t move away though, determined not to. He couldn’t always be paralyzed by his fear, he couldn’t always hurt those he cared about because of his fear. He had to face them, because, as he realized, hurting the people he loved was something he feared but…when he did that already because of his fear, then there was something wrong, and he had to fix that.
“I’m still a coward though.” He breathed out, warning the other. It wasn’t likely that this bravery thing would stay with him for much longer after all.
“We can work around it,” Kamenashi breathed back, before he brought their lips together in a kiss.
* * *
----> part 5