This is Why Qmimin are not (Insert Random) + 千金难买 (aka What Cannot be Bought)
Title: This is Why Qmimin are not (Insert Random)(4/?)
Pairing: Qmimin♥
Rating: PG13 (for excessive swearing in hokkien. erm.)
Genre: Fail (?)
Word Count: 1,407
Summary: Fail!Qmimin.
A/N: I may or may not have taken dumb to a whole new level. I mean. I wrote one part in Singlish. /shifty eyes
This is why Qmimin are not Singaporeans:
K: Waliao! Faster can. I need to chiong the ERP liao lah.
S: Zhou Mi lor. He keep bio that xiao lian. Stupid beng.
Z: Eh don’t talk cock lah. Just see see nia. Where we going now?
K: Go orchard lor. Where else. Faster get in the car lah. Don’t play play hor. Wait I kenna ERP again.
S: Wah 120km/hr sia. You damn paikia leh. Wait TP catch you.
Z: TP no come here one lah.
K: Diam lah! I focus driving lah!
S: Lanjiao lah, talk also cannot meh. KNS.
Z: Haiya, you shut up lah. Today he jitao kenna dua liao. That charbor fly him plane again. Fucking dao lor she.
S: Wah kao. She sibeh haolian leh. Don’t friend her liao lah. Jio me lah, jio me. I stead with you.
K: Haiya, don’t say liao lah. Damn down sia.
Z: Eh! Look!
S: See what see?
Z: That charbor hit the tarpor lanjiao with her shoe!
S: Eh Kyuhyun! Stop leh! I wanna see.
K: Don’t want lah. Don’t want tio daiji lah. About to reach 7.30 liao lah. Must go 130km/hr sia.
MiMin: Wasted lah! You think everyday got drama watch ar!
K: YES! HO SAY LAH! Ar buay ERP yet!
*Beep*
Z: Eh why still got beep sound one?
S: Eh you stupid is it? Watch pai liao ar? Now already 7.35 leh.
K: Wah lan eh.
A/N: What is this fic? D:
. . . . .
This is why Qmimin are not preschool teachers:
S: Kyuhyun, if you look at Heechul with that glint in your eye while you're crashing a can of coke in your hand, the kid might think that you actually hate him and it will not be good for the his psychological development.
K: He doesn’t need my help in that matter, he’s already disturbed.
S: He’s four years old.
Heechul: My mum says you look hot when you’re wearing tight jeans ‘cos she can make out the outline of your underwear.
K: Go write five hundred lines of “I must not grow up to be a full fledged psycho”.
H: What’s a “psycho”?
S: Something like that. /points at Zhou Mi
Z: Oh god, you guys. Those little girls are so cute. They thought Barbie only needs one pair of shoes. I had to explain the complexities of fashion to them. Then they insisted that they do my nails. Look at them glittering in the sun! And they all want me to be their Ken, haha.
H: Oh.
K: God, I hate kids. Why can’t they all be born old like Larry King? I’m sure they’ll also find growing up to be a pain in the royal arse.
S: Larry King wasn’t gestated. He appeared out of nowhere in Saturn and was shipped here.
H: I’m going to tell mum that you said the A word.
K: FUCK OFF.
S: Ok everyone, break time’s over. Get back to your seats. Hurry up. I said to go back to your seats. Sit down before I chain you to the potty.
Z: Hey, why are the kids dropping like flies instead of, say, screaming? What did they had for lunch?
K: Just the usual gross stuff like Quaker oats, organic barley grass and their daily intake of vitamin C.
Z: What’s organic barley grass?
K: Barley grass that’s ten times more expensive than normal barley grass.
Z: Oh I see.
S: Kyuhyun, is this yours? /rattles pill bottle
K: Oh yeah. Doc prescribed them to me when I just started out on this job.
S: I think you put sedatives into the drinking water instead of vitamin C.
K: Shit.
. . . . .
This is why Qmimin are not waiters:
K: When I’m having my fiftieth birthday, I’ll be lounging in bed-
S: If God is watching, I doubt you’ll breathe till fifty but say you do, I bet you’ll need a certain small blue pill for whatever it is that you plan to do in bed.
Z: Oh Sungmin! That’s a horrible thing to say! I’m sure you won’t need Viagra, Kyuhyun. But if God really exists, I truly am a little worried about you. /pats
K: …thanks, Zhou Mi.
Z: You’re welcome.
K: …
Z: Yes?
K: Never-fucking-mind. Whatever it is that I plan to do for my fiftieth birthday, it will not be holding a party at a stupid country club, hiring a singer with sandpaper for a throat to sing my birthday song.
S: Oh for fuck’s sake. That bumbling buffoon is calling me again. Maybe he dropped his brain this time round. /walks over
S: Yes, sir? :D?
BB: Oh, hohoho. I dropped my fork again! Third time this evening and dinner hasn’t even started! Can you please get me a new fork again?
S: With pleasure, sir. :D /walks into kitchen and back
S: A clean fork for you, sir. :D
BB: Why thank you! Excellent service. Excellent! Here’s a little tip for you.
S: Thank you, sir. You have such a grand moustache. :D
Z: What. Since when did you become so nice? The last time a certain old lady did that, you spat on her roast lamb and declared it to be the restaurant’s famous mint sauce.
S: It was the same fork.
Z: Oh.
S: And I did had some Trebor extra strong mints before I spat on her lamb.
Heechul: Dear all, this special song goes out to the birthday boy:
The young ones
Darling, we’re the young ones
And the young ones
Shouldn’t be afraid
K: Oh, I’m afraid, alright.
To live, love
While the flame is strong
‘Cos we may not be the young ones very long
K: I hope the flame burns you.
Tomorrow
Why wait until tomorrow
‘Cos tomorrow
Sometimes never come
K: I sure as hell hope your tomorrow never comes. Is that really human or is that actually a cat?
Z: Most definitely a screaming baboon with its arse on fire.
H: Thank you everyone (K: But no one clapped!) I shall take my seat now. Dinner shall commence shortly.
S: Ok, serve up the seafood soup now. Remember to serve the ladies first. This is fine dining. Don’t disgrace yourself.
K: Do I have to remind you who was the one who accidentally splashed red wine all over the customer’s face?
Z: Actually that was me. And it was deliberate. The douchebag kissed my hand while I was handing him his glass of red wine.
S: Just try not to kill anyone with the crab claw, ok?
K: Your soup, madam.
/silence
H: I’m male.
K: Shit.
. . . . .
This is why Qmimin are not Chinese: (Well, just Kyumin, actually)
At a Chinese restaurant in Beijing
Z: Ok, I ordered this herbal soup especially for you guys. ‘Cos you’re so weak and-
S: Hey, who are you calling weak?
Z: I mean your qi.
K: My qi is weak? How can you tell?
Z: You look like you’ll keel over and die any second.
S: He really does have that sick yellowing look.
K: That’s because I’m perpetually around you two. You guys are capable of sapping the life force out of anyone, even Oprah.
Z: That’s why she has Dr. Phil.
S: Oh you guys, get real!
Qmimin: /rolls around laughing
Z: Ok, drink up. This soup contains pangolin scales, dried seahorses and lizards. It’s good for your liver and blood.
Kyumin: /blanches
S: Can I have that glass of cherryade instead?
Z: Oh you sure know your TCM, Sungmin. That is snake blood. It’s good for men, if you know what I mean. /eyes Sungmin’s crotch
S: Erm, I don’t think I want to know. /cups himself
K: What’s that?
Z: That’s frog legs.
K: /pales
Z: Haha, just pulling your leg, get it?
K:/phews
Z: It’s actually deer penises. :D
Kyumin: T口T
S: This actually looks edible. It tastes sweet! /devours
Z: That’s bird’s nest. Ambrosia for the skin.
K: I don’t see any twigs in there.
Z: Well, swiftlets build their nests using saliva.
S: (／‵Д′)／~ ╧╧ /flips table
K: Ok, seriously, is there anything on this table that I can eat without having to run to the loo to cry?
Z: Well, this soup here-
K: Alright, I’m having it. Hey, it’s pretty good! What is it made of?
Z: It’s turtle soup. :Db
K: Shit.
end
. . . . .
Title: 千金难买 (aka What Cannot be Bought)
Pairing: Qmimin♥
Rating: G
Genre: Drama? idk
Word Count: 563
Summary: Zhou Mi is sad. Sungmin tries. Kyuhyun, oh, Kyuhyun.
A/N: I've given up on English titles.
"How much does fame cost?"
It was more of a lament than a question.
Sungmin flicked a look at the clock in the living room, "I'll say...approximately three hours of heartache in a closet." He squinted into the darkness. "I really don't think the air in here is very fresh. Eunhyuk keeps his spare socks in the box on the top shelf."
The light that Sungmin was unable to block out seeped into the small enclosure. He could barely make out the outline of Zhou Mi who was sitting on the tiled floor. His long legs were folded and hugged to his chest, his head tucked between them. There was a streak of pink around his neck.
"Why are you wearing my old scarf?"
"I'm cold." The sorrow in the voice was so thick, Sungmin could feel it precipitate on his skin.
"Zhou Mi," Sungmin attempted to sound as reasonable as a reasonable man can. "It's summer."
"Close the door behind you when you leave."
. . . . .
Sungmin didn't think Zhou Mi was being serious. Because when people say "Timeout", his first thought was usually chocolate, followed by basketball and closet was nowhere to be found on the list.
So he tapped his foot on the closet door ten times and ate a strawberry tart. Then he shouted, “I’m going to burn all your bags.”
But all he got in return was, “Just leave the Gucci ones alone.”
That’s when Sungmin realized things were quite bad.
He swung the door open. “You really got to stop reading all those comments you get on weibo. They mean nothing. NOTHING. Everyone has haters. You’d think that someone as sweet as me would be spared but oh no, I still get comments asking me why I’m always sticking to their Kyuhyun. Oh yeah, it’s such an honour to see his zits upclo-will you please look at me?”
Zhou Mi lifted his head up and tried to smile for Sungmin.
“Stop dispensing your smiles like they’re candy. You don’t have to buy me over.” Sungmin tilted his head to the side and regarded Zhou Mi with a thread of annoyance. “You don’t have to bribe anyone for their love.”
Sungmin instantly regretted his remark for Zhou Mi’s smile had twisted itself into a grimace and he let out a small harsh sound that can only be interpreted as a self deprecating laugh.
“Is it bad that I wish I could?”
. . . . .
"..."
"..."
"...is that what I think it is?"
“Yes, damnit. Move over, I’m coming in.” Sungmin flung the giant paw into Zhou Mi’s lap and leaped into the dark, slamming the closet door shut behind him. He mumbled irrationally to himself while he fumbled blindly trying to find his footing. All Zhou Mi can catch are, “five hours”, “godamnit”, “five hours, godamnit” and “sorry, stepped on your foot”.
“You didn’t step on my foot.” Zhou Mi pointed out.
“What?” Sungmin narrowed his eyes and tried to focus. “I thought I. Huh? Oh. Oh, Ky-“
“Shut. Up.”
. . . . .
"Is our love not enough, Mimi? It's enough to buy the world, you know."
Kyuhyun chuckled.
Sungmin thought he heard Zhou Mi smiled.
. . . . .
The next time Zhou Mi opened the closet, he found the floor to be full of giant paws.
end
P.S.: :D + D: also, i believe that Zhou Mi reads all his weibo comments which is why i wrote this fic. sometimes his weibos make me sad.
P.P.S.: yeah, sorry about the singaporeans fic...i. it was. self entertainment. & idk erp rates :P
P.P.P.S.: Zhou Mi replied my weibo!!! never getting over this :D:D:D:D:D:D))))))) => lotsa chins
P.P.P.P.S.: i DO NOT eat/encourage TCM that involves endangered animals. in fact, i stopped eating shark fins at 11 after i got to know...things :( (growing up /sighs)
P.P.P.P.P.S.: i dont hate larry king. its just that. can you imagine him being a baby? he's like ncis gibbs (my fave uncle of all time). they totes skipped the infancy stage.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S.: lol one mayday ashin hint in there somewhere XD
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S.: 4 'this is why qmimin are not' parts to make up for the 1 that most will not understand. and i fulfilled one request :)
Pairing: Qmimin♥
Rating: PG13 (for excessive swearing in hokkien. erm.)
Genre: Fail (?)
Word Count: 1,407
Summary: Fail!Qmimin.
A/N: I may or may not have taken dumb to a whole new level. I mean. I wrote one part in Singlish. /shifty eyes
This is why Qmimin are not Singaporeans:
K: Waliao! Faster can. I need to chiong the ERP liao lah.
S: Zhou Mi lor. He keep bio that xiao lian. Stupid beng.
Z: Eh don’t talk cock lah. Just see see nia. Where we going now?
K: Go orchard lor. Where else. Faster get in the car lah. Don’t play play hor. Wait I kenna ERP again.
S: Wah 120km/hr sia. You damn paikia leh. Wait TP catch you.
Z: TP no come here one lah.
K: Diam lah! I focus driving lah!
S: Lanjiao lah, talk also cannot meh. KNS.
Z: Haiya, you shut up lah. Today he jitao kenna dua liao. That charbor fly him plane again. Fucking dao lor she.
S: Wah kao. She sibeh haolian leh. Don’t friend her liao lah. Jio me lah, jio me. I stead with you.
K: Haiya, don’t say liao lah. Damn down sia.
Z: Eh! Look!
S: See what see?
Z: That charbor hit the tarpor lanjiao with her shoe!
S: Eh Kyuhyun! Stop leh! I wanna see.
K: Don’t want lah. Don’t want tio daiji lah. About to reach 7.30 liao lah. Must go 130km/hr sia.
MiMin: Wasted lah! You think everyday got drama watch ar!
K: YES! HO SAY LAH! Ar buay ERP yet!
*Beep*
Z: Eh why still got beep sound one?
S: Eh you stupid is it? Watch pai liao ar? Now already 7.35 leh.
K: Wah lan eh.
A/N: What is this fic? D:
. . . . .
This is why Qmimin are not preschool teachers:
S: Kyuhyun, if you look at Heechul with that glint in your eye while you're crashing a can of coke in your hand, the kid might think that you actually hate him and it will not be good for the his psychological development.
K: He doesn’t need my help in that matter, he’s already disturbed.
S: He’s four years old.
Heechul: My mum says you look hot when you’re wearing tight jeans ‘cos she can make out the outline of your underwear.
K: Go write five hundred lines of “I must not grow up to be a full fledged psycho”.
H: What’s a “psycho”?
S: Something like that. /points at Zhou Mi
Z: Oh god, you guys. Those little girls are so cute. They thought Barbie only needs one pair of shoes. I had to explain the complexities of fashion to them. Then they insisted that they do my nails. Look at them glittering in the sun! And they all want me to be their Ken, haha.
H: Oh.
K: God, I hate kids. Why can’t they all be born old like Larry King? I’m sure they’ll also find growing up to be a pain in the royal arse.
S: Larry King wasn’t gestated. He appeared out of nowhere in Saturn and was shipped here.
H: I’m going to tell mum that you said the A word.
K: FUCK OFF.
S: Ok everyone, break time’s over. Get back to your seats. Hurry up. I said to go back to your seats. Sit down before I chain you to the potty.
Z: Hey, why are the kids dropping like flies instead of, say, screaming? What did they had for lunch?
K: Just the usual gross stuff like Quaker oats, organic barley grass and their daily intake of vitamin C.
Z: What’s organic barley grass?
K: Barley grass that’s ten times more expensive than normal barley grass.
Z: Oh I see.
S: Kyuhyun, is this yours? /rattles pill bottle
K: Oh yeah. Doc prescribed them to me when I just started out on this job.
S: I think you put sedatives into the drinking water instead of vitamin C.
K: Shit.
. . . . .
This is why Qmimin are not waiters:
K: When I’m having my fiftieth birthday, I’ll be lounging in bed-
S: If God is watching, I doubt you’ll breathe till fifty but say you do, I bet you’ll need a certain small blue pill for whatever it is that you plan to do in bed.
Z: Oh Sungmin! That’s a horrible thing to say! I’m sure you won’t need Viagra, Kyuhyun. But if God really exists, I truly am a little worried about you. /pats
K: …thanks, Zhou Mi.
Z: You’re welcome.
K: …
Z: Yes?
K: Never-fucking-mind. Whatever it is that I plan to do for my fiftieth birthday, it will not be holding a party at a stupid country club, hiring a singer with sandpaper for a throat to sing my birthday song.
S: Oh for fuck’s sake. That bumbling buffoon is calling me again. Maybe he dropped his brain this time round. /walks over
S: Yes, sir? :D?
BB: Oh, hohoho. I dropped my fork again! Third time this evening and dinner hasn’t even started! Can you please get me a new fork again?
S: With pleasure, sir. :D /walks into kitchen and back
S: A clean fork for you, sir. :D
BB: Why thank you! Excellent service. Excellent! Here’s a little tip for you.
S: Thank you, sir. You have such a grand moustache. :D
Z: What. Since when did you become so nice? The last time a certain old lady did that, you spat on her roast lamb and declared it to be the restaurant’s famous mint sauce.
S: It was the same fork.
Z: Oh.
S: And I did had some Trebor extra strong mints before I spat on her lamb.
Heechul: Dear all, this special song goes out to the birthday boy:
The young ones
Darling, we’re the young ones
And the young ones
Shouldn’t be afraid
K: Oh, I’m afraid, alright.
To live, love
While the flame is strong
‘Cos we may not be the young ones very long
K: I hope the flame burns you.
Tomorrow
Why wait until tomorrow
‘Cos tomorrow
Sometimes never come
K: I sure as hell hope your tomorrow never comes. Is that really human or is that actually a cat?
Z: Most definitely a screaming baboon with its arse on fire.
H: Thank you everyone (K: But no one clapped!) I shall take my seat now. Dinner shall commence shortly.
S: Ok, serve up the seafood soup now. Remember to serve the ladies first. This is fine dining. Don’t disgrace yourself.
K: Do I have to remind you who was the one who accidentally splashed red wine all over the customer’s face?
Z: Actually that was me. And it was deliberate. The douchebag kissed my hand while I was handing him his glass of red wine.
S: Just try not to kill anyone with the crab claw, ok?
K: Your soup, madam.
/silence
H: I’m male.
K: Shit.
. . . . .
This is why Qmimin are not Chinese: (Well, just Kyumin, actually)
At a Chinese restaurant in Beijing
Z: Ok, I ordered this herbal soup especially for you guys. ‘Cos you’re so weak and-
S: Hey, who are you calling weak?
Z: I mean your qi.
K: My qi is weak? How can you tell?
Z: You look like you’ll keel over and die any second.
S: He really does have that sick yellowing look.
K: That’s because I’m perpetually around you two. You guys are capable of sapping the life force out of anyone, even Oprah.
Z: That’s why she has Dr. Phil.
S: Oh you guys, get real!
Qmimin: /rolls around laughing
Z: Ok, drink up. This soup contains pangolin scales, dried seahorses and lizards. It’s good for your liver and blood.
Kyumin: /blanches
S: Can I have that glass of cherryade instead?
Z: Oh you sure know your TCM, Sungmin. That is snake blood. It’s good for men, if you know what I mean. /eyes Sungmin’s crotch
S: Erm, I don’t think I want to know. /cups himself
K: What’s that?
Z: That’s frog legs.
K: /pales
Z: Haha, just pulling your leg, get it?
K:/phews
Z: It’s actually deer penises. :D
Kyumin: T口T
S: This actually looks edible. It tastes sweet! /devours
Z: That’s bird’s nest. Ambrosia for the skin.
K: I don’t see any twigs in there.
Z: Well, swiftlets build their nests using saliva.
S: (／‵Д′)／~ ╧╧ /flips table
K: Ok, seriously, is there anything on this table that I can eat without having to run to the loo to cry?
Z: Well, this soup here-
K: Alright, I’m having it. Hey, it’s pretty good! What is it made of?
Z: It’s turtle soup. :Db
K: Shit.
end
. . . . .
Title: 千金难买 (aka What Cannot be Bought)
Pairing: Qmimin♥
Rating: G
Genre: Drama? idk
Word Count: 563
Summary: Zhou Mi is sad. Sungmin tries. Kyuhyun, oh, Kyuhyun.
A/N: I've given up on English titles.
"How much does fame cost?"
It was more of a lament than a question.
Sungmin flicked a look at the clock in the living room, "I'll say...approximately three hours of heartache in a closet." He squinted into the darkness. "I really don't think the air in here is very fresh. Eunhyuk keeps his spare socks in the box on the top shelf."
The light that Sungmin was unable to block out seeped into the small enclosure. He could barely make out the outline of Zhou Mi who was sitting on the tiled floor. His long legs were folded and hugged to his chest, his head tucked between them. There was a streak of pink around his neck.
"Why are you wearing my old scarf?"
"I'm cold." The sorrow in the voice was so thick, Sungmin could feel it precipitate on his skin.
"Zhou Mi," Sungmin attempted to sound as reasonable as a reasonable man can. "It's summer."
"Close the door behind you when you leave."
. . . . .
Sungmin didn't think Zhou Mi was being serious. Because when people say "Timeout", his first thought was usually chocolate, followed by basketball and closet was nowhere to be found on the list.
So he tapped his foot on the closet door ten times and ate a strawberry tart. Then he shouted, “I’m going to burn all your bags.”
But all he got in return was, “Just leave the Gucci ones alone.”
That’s when Sungmin realized things were quite bad.
He swung the door open. “You really got to stop reading all those comments you get on weibo. They mean nothing. NOTHING. Everyone has haters. You’d think that someone as sweet as me would be spared but oh no, I still get comments asking me why I’m always sticking to their Kyuhyun. Oh yeah, it’s such an honour to see his zits upclo-will you please look at me?”
Zhou Mi lifted his head up and tried to smile for Sungmin.
“Stop dispensing your smiles like they’re candy. You don’t have to buy me over.” Sungmin tilted his head to the side and regarded Zhou Mi with a thread of annoyance. “You don’t have to bribe anyone for their love.”
Sungmin instantly regretted his remark for Zhou Mi’s smile had twisted itself into a grimace and he let out a small harsh sound that can only be interpreted as a self deprecating laugh.
“Is it bad that I wish I could?”
. . . . .
"..."
"..."
"...is that what I think it is?"
“Yes, damnit. Move over, I’m coming in.” Sungmin flung the giant paw into Zhou Mi’s lap and leaped into the dark, slamming the closet door shut behind him. He mumbled irrationally to himself while he fumbled blindly trying to find his footing. All Zhou Mi can catch are, “five hours”, “godamnit”, “five hours, godamnit” and “sorry, stepped on your foot”.
“You didn’t step on my foot.” Zhou Mi pointed out.
“What?” Sungmin narrowed his eyes and tried to focus. “I thought I. Huh? Oh. Oh, Ky-“
“Shut. Up.”
. . . . .
"Is our love not enough, Mimi? It's enough to buy the world, you know."
Kyuhyun chuckled.
Sungmin thought he heard Zhou Mi smiled.
. . . . .
The next time Zhou Mi opened the closet, he found the floor to be full of giant paws.
end
P.S.: :D + D: also, i believe that Zhou Mi reads all his weibo comments which is why i wrote this fic. sometimes his weibos make me sad.
P.P.S.: yeah, sorry about the singaporeans fic...i. it was. self entertainment. & idk erp rates :P
P.P.P.S.: Zhou Mi replied my weibo!!! never getting over this :D:D:D:D:D:D))))))) => lotsa chins
P.P.P.P.S.: i DO NOT eat/encourage TCM that involves endangered animals. in fact, i stopped eating shark fins at 11 after i got to know...things :( (growing up /sighs)
P.P.P.P.P.S.: i dont hate larry king. its just that. can you imagine him being a baby? he's like ncis gibbs (my fave uncle of all time). they totes skipped the infancy stage.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S.: lol one mayday ashin hint in there somewhere XD
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S.: 4 'this is why qmimin are not' parts to make up for the 1 that most will not understand. and i fulfilled one request :)