I hate Easter
Warning: Rant about religion. I know this does not apply to everyone religious. But it makes me angry, and it hurts people, whether it's how any individual uses this or not.
I grew up a fundamentalist Christian. I was dedicated and devout. I studied hard, regularly examined my conscience, and tried SO HARD to be "good enough" that I wouldn't "sufficiently" honor the torture that Jesus endured in sacrificing for each person's eternal salvation. I reflected on whether I was "crucifying Christ all over again" with each moment of anger, each negative thought, each recrimination--even against people who harmed me.
Every. Year. I am angry all over again at Easter.
Easter wasn't something we celebrated religiously; it's pagan, after all. Yeah, we got chocolate and dyed eggs (not all of the members even did that), baskets and pretty dresses...but my church insisted that we celebrated Jesus's crucifixion and resurrection EVERY Sunday with communion rather than Just Once a Year like people who used Easter for that did (factually wrong, but it was the party line).
Now, every year, Easter rolls around, and people have fun with eggs, and chocolate, and baskets, and dinners with family, and pretty hats, and shiny shoes...and I get RAGEFUL.
I'm SO angry at the cult of suffering and sacrifice and the worshipping of persecution, this system that encourages people to CRAVE the feeling of being oppressed or persecuted to "prove" that they are different enough to be seen, by outsiders, as being "in the world but not of the world," to "PROVE" that they are "blessed" because people "revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake" ...it's isolating and separates followers--separated me--from being a part of the people around them by making it literally SHAMEFUL if people like and accept you--rather than reviling you.
I'm SO ANGRY at the belief system that puts suffering on a pedestal...but only the suffering for being just, and then it is righteous and "manageable" since "God will never tempt you past that which you are able to bear"...which is utterly dismissive and also a method of gaslighting. I'm angry that ALL suffering or struggle is measured against and diminished in comparison to "what Jesus went through and suffered for you to keep you from suffering for eternity in hell." I'm angry that I fear that, when I left the church, both for my own "soul" and for the concern that my mother would *grieve* for my soul forever (and, now, for my kids' souls).
I'm so SO angry at this cult of creating fear and anxiety and a sense of insufficiency by *mentioning* that salvation is through grace, then focusing on behavior management through fear: "What would Jesus do?" "Would you say/do that if Jesus were standing right here watching...because he is...?" and repeating "Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? God forbid." And then, if things are hard, just "give it to God" or saying that God will comfort or provide...like he did for Jesus. Then there are sermons on the SPECIFICS of what death from crucifixion was like, requests to imagine the PAIN and humiliation, reminding everyone to reflect on how Jesus did this for EACH of us...and the celebration of the details of that suffering are gone through and through and through and used to produce more guilt and shame over being imperfect.
Edited to add (in order to keep all my thoughts in one place):
re: religion is possible in a different way rather than an "all or nothing" that it can be enjoyed in a different way....
I don't know if the "all or nothing" is ingrained from the autism or my disposition, or if it's trained from fundamentalism...but...I cannot handle the spirituality of Christian-based churches there, and the fundamentalism didn't come with pageantry, so I'm not seeking that.
We didn't use crosses in the group I grew up in--it was considered idolatrous. Additionally, a friend from the church pointed out that IF she were to wear a necklace about her faith, it would show an empty tomb.
I found a lot of comfort in paganism for a while, and, as a kinda-farm-kid, I still think in terms of the turn of the year, the turn of the earth.
Then I attended a liberal and embracing church when the kids were little for a while (tried Unitarians...too much fund-raising, and then a local and very lovely UCC...too much Jesus). It was valuable at the time, but I lost interest and it began to annoy me.
I spent a lot of time with Baha'i's and investigated and reflect on that, but, no, they have the same celebration of the details of the suffering and murder of the Bab, the suffering and persecution of Baha'u'llah, and the belief in a single God.
It's all too similar...and it's just...I don't buy it. I don't believe there is interventive or even fully sentient deity.
And...if there's some all-powerful being that created all and is NOT intervening...but still expects adulation and will punish its own creations if they are not sufficiently sycophantic...then that being/collective doesn't DESERVE my worship. That which is given with conditions is not given but ransomed (and "ransomed" is LITERALLY the wording that is used in songs and verses).
The only thing that I feel I've missed--and that my kids have missed--is a consistent and steady community. But what I'd have to sacrifice to have that? Nope.
And, for me personally, fandom fills that void. My kids...that's harder, but I'm sure they'll find their people. /edit
I. Hate. Easter. And I'm SO angry at the religion that celebrates torture for manipulation.
This entry was cross-posted at https://amilyn.dreamwidth.org/848546.html.
I grew up a fundamentalist Christian. I was dedicated and devout. I studied hard, regularly examined my conscience, and tried SO HARD to be "good enough" that I wouldn't "sufficiently" honor the torture that Jesus endured in sacrificing for each person's eternal salvation. I reflected on whether I was "crucifying Christ all over again" with each moment of anger, each negative thought, each recrimination--even against people who harmed me.
Every. Year. I am angry all over again at Easter.
Easter wasn't something we celebrated religiously; it's pagan, after all. Yeah, we got chocolate and dyed eggs (not all of the members even did that), baskets and pretty dresses...but my church insisted that we celebrated Jesus's crucifixion and resurrection EVERY Sunday with communion rather than Just Once a Year like people who used Easter for that did (factually wrong, but it was the party line).
Now, every year, Easter rolls around, and people have fun with eggs, and chocolate, and baskets, and dinners with family, and pretty hats, and shiny shoes...and I get RAGEFUL.
I'm SO angry at the cult of suffering and sacrifice and the worshipping of persecution, this system that encourages people to CRAVE the feeling of being oppressed or persecuted to "prove" that they are different enough to be seen, by outsiders, as being "in the world but not of the world," to "PROVE" that they are "blessed" because people "revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake" ...it's isolating and separates followers--separated me--from being a part of the people around them by making it literally SHAMEFUL if people like and accept you--rather than reviling you.
I'm SO ANGRY at the belief system that puts suffering on a pedestal...but only the suffering for being just, and then it is righteous and "manageable" since "God will never tempt you past that which you are able to bear"...which is utterly dismissive and also a method of gaslighting. I'm angry that ALL suffering or struggle is measured against and diminished in comparison to "what Jesus went through and suffered for you to keep you from suffering for eternity in hell." I'm angry that I fear that, when I left the church, both for my own "soul" and for the concern that my mother would *grieve* for my soul forever (and, now, for my kids' souls).
I'm so SO angry at this cult of creating fear and anxiety and a sense of insufficiency by *mentioning* that salvation is through grace, then focusing on behavior management through fear: "What would Jesus do?" "Would you say/do that if Jesus were standing right here watching...because he is...?" and repeating "Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? God forbid." And then, if things are hard, just "give it to God" or saying that God will comfort or provide...like he did for Jesus. Then there are sermons on the SPECIFICS of what death from crucifixion was like, requests to imagine the PAIN and humiliation, reminding everyone to reflect on how Jesus did this for EACH of us...and the celebration of the details of that suffering are gone through and through and through and used to produce more guilt and shame over being imperfect.
Edited to add (in order to keep all my thoughts in one place):
re: religion is possible in a different way rather than an "all or nothing" that it can be enjoyed in a different way....
I don't know if the "all or nothing" is ingrained from the autism or my disposition, or if it's trained from fundamentalism...but...I cannot handle the spirituality of Christian-based churches there, and the fundamentalism didn't come with pageantry, so I'm not seeking that.
We didn't use crosses in the group I grew up in--it was considered idolatrous. Additionally, a friend from the church pointed out that IF she were to wear a necklace about her faith, it would show an empty tomb.
I found a lot of comfort in paganism for a while, and, as a kinda-farm-kid, I still think in terms of the turn of the year, the turn of the earth.
Then I attended a liberal and embracing church when the kids were little for a while (tried Unitarians...too much fund-raising, and then a local and very lovely UCC...too much Jesus). It was valuable at the time, but I lost interest and it began to annoy me.
I spent a lot of time with Baha'i's and investigated and reflect on that, but, no, they have the same celebration of the details of the suffering and murder of the Bab, the suffering and persecution of Baha'u'llah, and the belief in a single God.
It's all too similar...and it's just...I don't buy it. I don't believe there is interventive or even fully sentient deity.
And...if there's some all-powerful being that created all and is NOT intervening...but still expects adulation and will punish its own creations if they are not sufficiently sycophantic...then that being/collective doesn't DESERVE my worship. That which is given with conditions is not given but ransomed (and "ransomed" is LITERALLY the wording that is used in songs and verses).
The only thing that I feel I've missed--and that my kids have missed--is a consistent and steady community. But what I'd have to sacrifice to have that? Nope.
And, for me personally, fandom fills that void. My kids...that's harder, but I'm sure they'll find their people. /edit
I. Hate. Easter. And I'm SO angry at the religion that celebrates torture for manipulation.
This entry was cross-posted at https://amilyn.dreamwidth.org/848546.html.