(no subject)
i've been back into my obsession with serial killers recently.
last night i think i stayed up till about 3 or 4 reading court tv's crime library page. needless to say, i had rather interesting dreams. if only i were more motivated in school. it's such a pain in the ass to be a forensic psychology major, not to mention years and years of field experience needed after grad school to become a criminal profiler. i only wish that there were apprenticeships offered in such a field. that would make it ten times easier for me since i lack the attention span for sitting in classes. most classes are completely irrelevant to exactly what i want to do anyways. that, or it's sense acquired from studying on my own for fun. or more logically, i should keep searching for schools that actually offer forensic psych. as a specialty/major. most of the psychology professors around here admit to knowing nothing of forensics. how lame.
art/psychology/art/psychology. i'm completely torn again as to what my major should be. i can't help but feel rushed, like i'm just waisting time in the process of deciding.
pros and cons of art:
-no more math!
-it's a passion
-not many fields to go into that i could enjoy and feed myself
-what if i have a big "creativity block"?
-computers are such an "in" thing now, so most well paying jobs are
graphic design related.
-almost every art major is into graphic design. booooring.
-photography would be a great field to go into...
-art is fun!
pros and cons of forensic psychology:
-with a phd in forensic psych... the pay is pretty nice.
-i could always become a professor.
-it's a passion as well.
-i feel like i have the mind set for such situations involved in
criminal profiling.
-i over analyze too much as it is.
-they have a need for remotely creative minds.
-i've studied serial killers for quite some time.
-if i ever decide to have a family, i wouldn't want to subject them to
such things.
-can be dangerous depending on cases ect. no two criminals are
exactly alike.
-i'm a small female, therefore stereotyping will most likely occur
-then again, not fitting stereotypes gives me the ability to blend in for undercover investigations
-it's a field that increasingly requires more help/ the causes for such
behavior are only assumed and catagorized, not known for sure.
-there could be long, boring hiatuses of minor cases.
-i tend to hold a lot of sympathetic thoughts concerning the criminals as opposed to victims, therefore the ability to relate may come in handy when determining specific profiles.
i'm sure there's plenty more for both, but i'm too lazy to concentrate at the moment. over the last two weeks, i've befriended two nice women at work on break. one minored in criminal law but only obtained a bachelor's degree...(had kids, decided not to pursue the career). she has to be one of the most interesting persons i've ever spoken with. she said she was going to get in touch with a really great advisor from florence/darlington tech, as well as a criminal profiler in this area and a local coroner for me to speak with. if anything, there's the possibility of a little shadowing at the coroner's office. connections are wonderful. all of this would probably be of great help in deciding whether or not this is the direction my life will be headed. i'm well aware that this career choice holds the possibility of taking quite a toll on my life, be it mentally or physically. it's not as glamorous as hollywood makes it out to be. and i won't deny that it scares me a little. i think those issues go back to me and my problems with self consciousness/social anxiety. it would be a great opportunity to get over said issues. i also wonder if my sympathy for the disturbed would be a bad trait to have. i don't even view most serial killers as human, but rather a step above or below the average person. then again, i think everyone, provided that they give it some thought, can sympathize with them. take for example, walking through an unfamiliar mall. you don't know anyone at all, and most people can either seem cruel or emotionless. for lack of a better example, a "matrix" like theory where people are programs. so with that mindset: people are just objects without souls, thus filling the needs of ones we label as "deranged" enough to follow through with what's pleasurable. they know but they don't know right from wrong. i'm well aware it's a deranged and primitive mind set and i have no intentions of glorifying such behavior. i want to study this behavior and the ongoing search for answers as to "what are the true motives? nature/nurture? brain damage?...." and the list goes on. however, it absolutely amazes me how one in particular (ie, jeffrey dahmer) could be non-sadistic at all, and madly in love with victims postmortem, then cannibalizing their bodies to keep with him always...or make them a part of himself. he knew what he was doing was sick, but as others claim, it was uncontrollable. i don't find him evil, i find him exceedingly dolorous. his remorse for such hideous acts is astounding:
"I don't even know if I have the capacity for normal emotions or not because I haven't cried for a long time. You just stifle them for so long that maybe you lose them, partially at least. I don't know."
"I don't know why it started. I don't have any definite answers on that myself. If I knew the true, real reasons why all this started, before it ever did , I wouldn't probably have done any of it."
"I couldn’t find any meaning in my life when I was out there. I'm sure as hell not going to find it in here. This is the grand finale of a life poorly spent and the end result is just overwhelmingly depressing. It's just a sick, pathetic, wretched, miserable life story, that's all it is. How it can help anyone, I've no idea."
"Am I just an extremely evil person or is it some kind of satanic influence, or what? I have no idea. I have no idea at all. Do you? Is it possible to be influenced by spirit beings? I know that sounds like an easy way to cop out and say that I couldn't help myself, but from all that the Bible says, there are forces that have a direct or indirect influence on people's behavior. The Bible calls him Satan. I suppose it's possible because it sure seems like some of the thoughts aren't my own, they just come blasting into my head… These thoughts are very powerful, very destructive, and they do not leave. They're not the kind of thoughts that you can just shake your head and they're gone. They do not leave."
"It's just like a big chunk of me has been ripped out and I'm not quite whole. I don't think I'm over dramatizing it, and I'm certainly deserving of it, but the way I feel now, it's just like you're talking to someone who is terminally ill and facing death. Death would be preferable to what I am facing. I just feel like imploding upon myself, you know? I just want to go somewhere and disappear."
"....If I was killed in prison. That would be a blessing right now."
...and he got his blessing. i can't sort out whether or not that makes me happy for him, or if it's even more of a depressing ending for such a lonely soul's life.
oh, and i've been looking for a decent picture of this for a while now. it's beautiful. the mutter museum's plastination exhibits were limited. a trip to germany at some point must be planned.
last night i think i stayed up till about 3 or 4 reading court tv's crime library page. needless to say, i had rather interesting dreams. if only i were more motivated in school. it's such a pain in the ass to be a forensic psychology major, not to mention years and years of field experience needed after grad school to become a criminal profiler. i only wish that there were apprenticeships offered in such a field. that would make it ten times easier for me since i lack the attention span for sitting in classes. most classes are completely irrelevant to exactly what i want to do anyways. that, or it's sense acquired from studying on my own for fun. or more logically, i should keep searching for schools that actually offer forensic psych. as a specialty/major. most of the psychology professors around here admit to knowing nothing of forensics. how lame.
art/psychology/art/psychology. i'm completely torn again as to what my major should be. i can't help but feel rushed, like i'm just waisting time in the process of deciding.
pros and cons of art:
-no more math!
-it's a passion
-not many fields to go into that i could enjoy and feed myself
-what if i have a big "creativity block"?
-computers are such an "in" thing now, so most well paying jobs are
graphic design related.
-almost every art major is into graphic design. booooring.
-photography would be a great field to go into...
-art is fun!
pros and cons of forensic psychology:
-with a phd in forensic psych... the pay is pretty nice.
-i could always become a professor.
-it's a passion as well.
-i feel like i have the mind set for such situations involved in
criminal profiling.
-i over analyze too much as it is.
-they have a need for remotely creative minds.
-i've studied serial killers for quite some time.
-if i ever decide to have a family, i wouldn't want to subject them to
such things.
-can be dangerous depending on cases ect. no two criminals are
exactly alike.
-i'm a small female, therefore stereotyping will most likely occur
-then again, not fitting stereotypes gives me the ability to blend in for undercover investigations
-it's a field that increasingly requires more help/ the causes for such
behavior are only assumed and catagorized, not known for sure.
-there could be long, boring hiatuses of minor cases.
-i tend to hold a lot of sympathetic thoughts concerning the criminals as opposed to victims, therefore the ability to relate may come in handy when determining specific profiles.
i'm sure there's plenty more for both, but i'm too lazy to concentrate at the moment. over the last two weeks, i've befriended two nice women at work on break. one minored in criminal law but only obtained a bachelor's degree...(had kids, decided not to pursue the career). she has to be one of the most interesting persons i've ever spoken with. she said she was going to get in touch with a really great advisor from florence/darlington tech, as well as a criminal profiler in this area and a local coroner for me to speak with. if anything, there's the possibility of a little shadowing at the coroner's office. connections are wonderful. all of this would probably be of great help in deciding whether or not this is the direction my life will be headed. i'm well aware that this career choice holds the possibility of taking quite a toll on my life, be it mentally or physically. it's not as glamorous as hollywood makes it out to be. and i won't deny that it scares me a little. i think those issues go back to me and my problems with self consciousness/social anxiety. it would be a great opportunity to get over said issues. i also wonder if my sympathy for the disturbed would be a bad trait to have. i don't even view most serial killers as human, but rather a step above or below the average person. then again, i think everyone, provided that they give it some thought, can sympathize with them. take for example, walking through an unfamiliar mall. you don't know anyone at all, and most people can either seem cruel or emotionless. for lack of a better example, a "matrix" like theory where people are programs. so with that mindset: people are just objects without souls, thus filling the needs of ones we label as "deranged" enough to follow through with what's pleasurable. they know but they don't know right from wrong. i'm well aware it's a deranged and primitive mind set and i have no intentions of glorifying such behavior. i want to study this behavior and the ongoing search for answers as to "what are the true motives? nature/nurture? brain damage?...." and the list goes on. however, it absolutely amazes me how one in particular (ie, jeffrey dahmer) could be non-sadistic at all, and madly in love with victims postmortem, then cannibalizing their bodies to keep with him always...or make them a part of himself. he knew what he was doing was sick, but as others claim, it was uncontrollable. i don't find him evil, i find him exceedingly dolorous. his remorse for such hideous acts is astounding:
"I don't even know if I have the capacity for normal emotions or not because I haven't cried for a long time. You just stifle them for so long that maybe you lose them, partially at least. I don't know."
"I don't know why it started. I don't have any definite answers on that myself. If I knew the true, real reasons why all this started, before it ever did , I wouldn't probably have done any of it."
"I couldn’t find any meaning in my life when I was out there. I'm sure as hell not going to find it in here. This is the grand finale of a life poorly spent and the end result is just overwhelmingly depressing. It's just a sick, pathetic, wretched, miserable life story, that's all it is. How it can help anyone, I've no idea."
"Am I just an extremely evil person or is it some kind of satanic influence, or what? I have no idea. I have no idea at all. Do you? Is it possible to be influenced by spirit beings? I know that sounds like an easy way to cop out and say that I couldn't help myself, but from all that the Bible says, there are forces that have a direct or indirect influence on people's behavior. The Bible calls him Satan. I suppose it's possible because it sure seems like some of the thoughts aren't my own, they just come blasting into my head… These thoughts are very powerful, very destructive, and they do not leave. They're not the kind of thoughts that you can just shake your head and they're gone. They do not leave."
"It's just like a big chunk of me has been ripped out and I'm not quite whole. I don't think I'm over dramatizing it, and I'm certainly deserving of it, but the way I feel now, it's just like you're talking to someone who is terminally ill and facing death. Death would be preferable to what I am facing. I just feel like imploding upon myself, you know? I just want to go somewhere and disappear."
"....If I was killed in prison. That would be a blessing right now."
...and he got his blessing. i can't sort out whether or not that makes me happy for him, or if it's even more of a depressing ending for such a lonely soul's life.
oh, and i've been looking for a decent picture of this for a while now. it's beautiful. the mutter museum's plastination exhibits were limited. a trip to germany at some point must be planned.
