(no subject)
Field Jacket Blues
PG-13, Teyla/Elizabeth (implied John/Teyla/Elizabeth)
John's been gone for three weeks and Teyla has moved all of her things into Elizabeth's quarters. They don't talk about it.
Even the city seems to notice someone's missing. It has dimmed the lights in John's quarters and will not allow them to be turned on again, no matter what Rodney tries. Teyla goes in and stands in the dark. Every day she remembers more of what happened, but it's never enough. Elizabeth doesn't push her.
She pushes herself but she never gets very far.
It's Thursday and Teyla's sitting in on a meeting between Elizabeth and Colonel Caldwell, the same meeting they have nearly every day, but Elizabeth never wavers. "Major Lorne is doing an impeccable job in Colonel Sheppard's absence, and I am confident he will continue at that level until Sheppard returns."
"You can't be serious, Elizabeth," Caldwell replies, looking at her in disbelief. "Major Lorne is a fine officer but he does not have the field leadership experience -"
"I beg to differ. And it is only a temporary measure -"
"You can't possibly think Sheppard is still alive."
"Sheppard's coming back," Elizabeth says coldly, and pins Caldwell with an unwavering glare. He doesn't see the heartache behind it, but Teyla does. "This meeting is over."
"You know I will be informing the SGC of this."
"And that's fine. That will be all."
Caldwell storms out, and Elizabeth sinks into her chair. Teyla lays a hand on her shoulder. "Colonel Caldwell's ambition will only hinder him," she says.
"Not in the military," Elizabeth groans. She tips her head back to look at Teyla. "He's coming back, right?" she whispers
"Yes," Teyla says firmly, nodding, brushing the hair back from Elizabeth's eyes. It's the only answer she ever intends to give.
*
"My father used to warn me," Teyla says, turning her attention from Elizabeth's hands to the Stargate, "about leaving things behind."
Elizabeth doesn't look up from the report she's reading. "Like what?"
"Traditions. Ancestors. The way of my people."
They're in the control room waiting for Lorne's team, now six hours overdue, to return from a recon. Elizabeth has put Teyla's team on standby. "You're not having second thoughts about accepting the position, are you?" she asks her now, setting aside the touch screen.
Teyla shakes her head, her mind listing all the reasons why she'd done it, all the things she'd tell Elizabeth if they were alone. "Of course not," is what she says, and with a slight smile. "However, I think I should spend some time on the mainland during the harvest."
"I doubt that would be a problem." Teyla sees Elizabeth check the clock. Six hours and three minutes.
"I'd like it if you would accompany me," she says quietly enough that only Elizabeth heard.
Elizabeth grins at her, an expression that's few and far between these days. "We'll leave Rodney in charge," she says dryly. Then she's serious again. "I don't think we should wait any longer. You have a go."
Teyla nods, signals her team. She glances back at Elizabeth before stepping through the Stargate. It's their new goodbye ritual.
***
There's only the skeleton crew working when they make it back: a gate tech, a member of the medical team, a security force, and Elizabeth. She stays up whenever there are any teams off world at night. Teyla knows the feeling.
"I'll meet you in the gym," she tells Ronon, and walks over to Elizabeth as she undoes her vest. "We encountered no problems," she says to her, "just some uneven terrain. It took much longer to get back to the Stargate than we expected. Major Lorne's team had been on their way towards the gate when we found them."
"I'm glad you're all okay."
"You look tired."
"I am," Elizabeth admits with a yawn. "And now that you're back, I'm going to bed. Lorne can debrief in the morning."
"My blood is still rushing, so I think I might do some practice sparring with Ronon for awhile - I'll be there in an hour or so."
Elizabeth nods and touches her arm before leaving. Teyla stops in the locker room to drop off her equipment and then finds Ronon in the gym. They practice without talking for awhile, the clack of wooden sticks and the occasional sharp intake of breath the only noise. Ronon looks at her curiously. "You're trying to make yourself so tired you can't think," he says.
"Perhaps." She stops and wipes the sweat from her face and neck.
"Is it working?" Ronon wraps his sticks, signaling that he's done for the night.
"Not very well," she sighs, but physically she's exhausted. When she gets back to her quarters, she slides into the bed next to Elizabeth and is asleep in seconds.
***
It's late in the morning before she wakes up, and she's still in her robe when Elizabeth stops to see if she wants lunch. "You're not even dressed yet," she teases Teyla, sitting down on the bed. "I'm not used to you sleeping in."
"I was much more tired than I thought," Teyla admits with a yawn. "I've been sitting here thinking."
"About what?"
"John. You."
"I don't know what we'll do if he doesn't come back," Elizabeth says softly. "I try not to think about it. What do you think he'll make of this?" She gestures to their room.
Teyla grins despite herself. "I think he'll be glad we did this work for him," she says, and Elizabeth chuckles. "There is something I want to tell you."
She nods, and Teyla drops the robe from her shoulders, feeling Elizabeth's eyes on her. "Years ago, when I was much younger, I was supposed to marry a young man from a neighboring village. I cared for him, and deeply, but I did not love him. I'm not sure if I would have grown to love him, and I never got the chance to find out, as he was taken by the Wraith before we were to be married." She slips on her undergarments and starts looking for the skirt she wants to wear. "For a long time, I couldn't bring myself to get close to anyone at all."
She turns, still half naked, to look at Elizabeth. "Atlantis changed that. You and John changed that. And now I feel the same way again - that if John is really gone, I'll never get to find out of I could have loved him. And this time I want to find out, so I have to believe he will come back to us."
Elizabeth hugs her knees, her eyes on Teyla. "I know you'll remember the rest of what happened. It'll just take time, like Carson said. I don't want you to feel like you have to push yourself, Teyla." She stops there, a hand over her eyes, and doesn't say anything for a minute. Teyla doesn't say anything either. "When do you want to go to the mainland?" Elizabeth asks finally, her voice hoarse.
Teyla finds her sandals underneath a pair of Elizabeth's. "When can you go?"
"Anytime. In fact, let's go right after lunch. The harvest starts today, right?"
"Yes." She sits down next to Elizabeth. "To be honest, I'm glad that I did not get married all those years ago."
"Why?"
"Because if I had, and he was still alive, I never would have stayed in Atlantis." She puts her hand on Elizabeth's knee. "This never would have happened."
***
In the distance Teyla can see the fields, golden grain moving with the wind. She breathes deep. The air doesn't smell quite like it did on Athos, but it's close. She takes Elizabeth's hand.
Elizabeth smiles, and Teyla feels her heartbeat quicken. Perhaps here they will be able to be with each other the way they haven't on Atlantis. Intimacy there, for her, is too colored by thoughts of John and Teyla is fairly sure Elizabeth feels the same. She longs to be close, to lay her hands on Elizabeth's body, to take this next step they've been moving towards. John's absence had slowed it; they waited for him but Teyla knows when Elizabeth's fingers close around hers that she can wait no longer.
Several of the children must have seen them coming and run to tell the rest of the village, as there is not a large group heading in their direction and waving. Teyla waves back enthusiastically, not letting go of Elizabeth's hand, and soon they are surrounded by people, talking excitedly and offering many welcoming hugs.
She loses Elizabeth for awhile to a group of children clamoring for tales of Earth, and then she gets caught up discussing the harvest plans with Halling. It's near dark when Elizabeth finds her, a mug of ale in each hand. She passes one to Teyla. "Everything okay?"
"Things seem to be going well for them." Teyla takes a long drink of the dark, earthy brew and sighs in content. "I've missed the harvest ale. Not on any planet I've visited has there been anything that comes close."
"It reminds me a little of a beer I tried once in college, but I like this much better."
Teyla smiles and leans her shoulder against Elizabeth's. They sit in companionable silence for awhile, drinking and watching people go by. Only a few stop, and exchange no more than a handful of words before continuing on.
"They are settling in for the night," Teyla says. "Perhaps we should as well."
***
She wakes before dawn, as she always does when on the mainland, but the bed is warm and Elizabeth is curled against her, so she stays where she is. Outside the dwelling, she can hear people talking and she imagines them brewing their tea, getting ready for a long day that would be spent in the fields. Teyla remembers vividly the years spent working the harvest; the smell of grain, the pain of blistered palms, the taste of that first loaf of bread made with the new flour.
She had brought several loaves back with her from last year's harvest and gave all but one to the mess staff. The last one she shared with John and Elizabeth, the three of them sitting in Elizabeth's office late one night talking about the mission she and John had just returned from, eating rough slices slathered in butter and soft cheese. It was the first of many nights they had spent like that; the beginning of the beginning, she likes to think of it, and she can recall with perfect clarity how John and Elizabeth had passed the bowl of cheese back and forth across the desk.
If only she could remember the mission where things had gone so wrong with the same clarity. There were flashes, assorted images, but nothing she could piece together into anything coherent. Sometimes she could hear John shouting, but she could never remember the right order for his words, and they would just slip away like raw grain through her fingers.
Elizabeth stirs, and Teyla slides a hand over her bare shoulder. "Is it morning already?" Elizabeth groans, moving closer.
"Close enough," Teyla teases. She sits up.
Elizabeth slides her arms around Teyla's waist and lays her head on her thigh. "What did you dream about?" she asks, as she does every morning.
"I do not think I dreamed anything at all. You wore me out," Teyla replies, and feels Elizabeth smile against her skin. "It was good," she whispers, running a hand through Elizabeth's hair.
"I thought so, too," Elizabeth murmurs back, and Teyla thinks she looks years younger here in the gray light that shines just before sunrise, with her eyes closed and her hands stroking Teyla's hip.
***
"Elizabeth, wait," Teyla says in the jumper bay as Elizabeth reaches for the control to open the back of the jumper. "If I don't say this now…"
Elizabeth nods and sits back down. She understands waiting for people to say what they need to, and that is one of the things Teyla loves about her.
She takes a deep breath. "In regards to the conversation we started to have the day before yesterday, I've made up my mind. Atlantis... it became my home when the Wraith destroyed Athos. I'm saddened that my people do not all understand this, but it is true nonetheless. While we were on the mainland I spent much time talking to Halling, and it's time I relinquish my leadership role there and devote myself fully to Atlantis."
Elizabeth looks shocked. "You don't feel like I'm making you make a choice, do you?"
"No." Teyla leans down and kisses her, reaching to pull Elizabeth out of the seat. "This has been a long time coming. I'm tired of feeling as though I'm trying to run in different directions at the same time. I want to be here."
"Good." Elizabeth smiles, her arms wrapped loosely around Teyla's neck. "So what do we do now?"
"The same things we have been doing, I suppose."
"Keep on carrying on."
Teyla nods. "He'll come back," she murmurs. "Until then, we'll keep each other going."
Thanks to ladyjax for the beta.
PG-13, Teyla/Elizabeth (implied John/Teyla/Elizabeth)
John's been gone for three weeks and Teyla has moved all of her things into Elizabeth's quarters. They don't talk about it.
Even the city seems to notice someone's missing. It has dimmed the lights in John's quarters and will not allow them to be turned on again, no matter what Rodney tries. Teyla goes in and stands in the dark. Every day she remembers more of what happened, but it's never enough. Elizabeth doesn't push her.
She pushes herself but she never gets very far.
It's Thursday and Teyla's sitting in on a meeting between Elizabeth and Colonel Caldwell, the same meeting they have nearly every day, but Elizabeth never wavers. "Major Lorne is doing an impeccable job in Colonel Sheppard's absence, and I am confident he will continue at that level until Sheppard returns."
"You can't be serious, Elizabeth," Caldwell replies, looking at her in disbelief. "Major Lorne is a fine officer but he does not have the field leadership experience -"
"I beg to differ. And it is only a temporary measure -"
"You can't possibly think Sheppard is still alive."
"Sheppard's coming back," Elizabeth says coldly, and pins Caldwell with an unwavering glare. He doesn't see the heartache behind it, but Teyla does. "This meeting is over."
"You know I will be informing the SGC of this."
"And that's fine. That will be all."
Caldwell storms out, and Elizabeth sinks into her chair. Teyla lays a hand on her shoulder. "Colonel Caldwell's ambition will only hinder him," she says.
"Not in the military," Elizabeth groans. She tips her head back to look at Teyla. "He's coming back, right?" she whispers
"Yes," Teyla says firmly, nodding, brushing the hair back from Elizabeth's eyes. It's the only answer she ever intends to give.
*
"My father used to warn me," Teyla says, turning her attention from Elizabeth's hands to the Stargate, "about leaving things behind."
Elizabeth doesn't look up from the report she's reading. "Like what?"
"Traditions. Ancestors. The way of my people."
They're in the control room waiting for Lorne's team, now six hours overdue, to return from a recon. Elizabeth has put Teyla's team on standby. "You're not having second thoughts about accepting the position, are you?" she asks her now, setting aside the touch screen.
Teyla shakes her head, her mind listing all the reasons why she'd done it, all the things she'd tell Elizabeth if they were alone. "Of course not," is what she says, and with a slight smile. "However, I think I should spend some time on the mainland during the harvest."
"I doubt that would be a problem." Teyla sees Elizabeth check the clock. Six hours and three minutes.
"I'd like it if you would accompany me," she says quietly enough that only Elizabeth heard.
Elizabeth grins at her, an expression that's few and far between these days. "We'll leave Rodney in charge," she says dryly. Then she's serious again. "I don't think we should wait any longer. You have a go."
Teyla nods, signals her team. She glances back at Elizabeth before stepping through the Stargate. It's their new goodbye ritual.
***
There's only the skeleton crew working when they make it back: a gate tech, a member of the medical team, a security force, and Elizabeth. She stays up whenever there are any teams off world at night. Teyla knows the feeling.
"I'll meet you in the gym," she tells Ronon, and walks over to Elizabeth as she undoes her vest. "We encountered no problems," she says to her, "just some uneven terrain. It took much longer to get back to the Stargate than we expected. Major Lorne's team had been on their way towards the gate when we found them."
"I'm glad you're all okay."
"You look tired."
"I am," Elizabeth admits with a yawn. "And now that you're back, I'm going to bed. Lorne can debrief in the morning."
"My blood is still rushing, so I think I might do some practice sparring with Ronon for awhile - I'll be there in an hour or so."
Elizabeth nods and touches her arm before leaving. Teyla stops in the locker room to drop off her equipment and then finds Ronon in the gym. They practice without talking for awhile, the clack of wooden sticks and the occasional sharp intake of breath the only noise. Ronon looks at her curiously. "You're trying to make yourself so tired you can't think," he says.
"Perhaps." She stops and wipes the sweat from her face and neck.
"Is it working?" Ronon wraps his sticks, signaling that he's done for the night.
"Not very well," she sighs, but physically she's exhausted. When she gets back to her quarters, she slides into the bed next to Elizabeth and is asleep in seconds.
***
It's late in the morning before she wakes up, and she's still in her robe when Elizabeth stops to see if she wants lunch. "You're not even dressed yet," she teases Teyla, sitting down on the bed. "I'm not used to you sleeping in."
"I was much more tired than I thought," Teyla admits with a yawn. "I've been sitting here thinking."
"About what?"
"John. You."
"I don't know what we'll do if he doesn't come back," Elizabeth says softly. "I try not to think about it. What do you think he'll make of this?" She gestures to their room.
Teyla grins despite herself. "I think he'll be glad we did this work for him," she says, and Elizabeth chuckles. "There is something I want to tell you."
She nods, and Teyla drops the robe from her shoulders, feeling Elizabeth's eyes on her. "Years ago, when I was much younger, I was supposed to marry a young man from a neighboring village. I cared for him, and deeply, but I did not love him. I'm not sure if I would have grown to love him, and I never got the chance to find out, as he was taken by the Wraith before we were to be married." She slips on her undergarments and starts looking for the skirt she wants to wear. "For a long time, I couldn't bring myself to get close to anyone at all."
She turns, still half naked, to look at Elizabeth. "Atlantis changed that. You and John changed that. And now I feel the same way again - that if John is really gone, I'll never get to find out of I could have loved him. And this time I want to find out, so I have to believe he will come back to us."
Elizabeth hugs her knees, her eyes on Teyla. "I know you'll remember the rest of what happened. It'll just take time, like Carson said. I don't want you to feel like you have to push yourself, Teyla." She stops there, a hand over her eyes, and doesn't say anything for a minute. Teyla doesn't say anything either. "When do you want to go to the mainland?" Elizabeth asks finally, her voice hoarse.
Teyla finds her sandals underneath a pair of Elizabeth's. "When can you go?"
"Anytime. In fact, let's go right after lunch. The harvest starts today, right?"
"Yes." She sits down next to Elizabeth. "To be honest, I'm glad that I did not get married all those years ago."
"Why?"
"Because if I had, and he was still alive, I never would have stayed in Atlantis." She puts her hand on Elizabeth's knee. "This never would have happened."
***
In the distance Teyla can see the fields, golden grain moving with the wind. She breathes deep. The air doesn't smell quite like it did on Athos, but it's close. She takes Elizabeth's hand.
Elizabeth smiles, and Teyla feels her heartbeat quicken. Perhaps here they will be able to be with each other the way they haven't on Atlantis. Intimacy there, for her, is too colored by thoughts of John and Teyla is fairly sure Elizabeth feels the same. She longs to be close, to lay her hands on Elizabeth's body, to take this next step they've been moving towards. John's absence had slowed it; they waited for him but Teyla knows when Elizabeth's fingers close around hers that she can wait no longer.
Several of the children must have seen them coming and run to tell the rest of the village, as there is not a large group heading in their direction and waving. Teyla waves back enthusiastically, not letting go of Elizabeth's hand, and soon they are surrounded by people, talking excitedly and offering many welcoming hugs.
She loses Elizabeth for awhile to a group of children clamoring for tales of Earth, and then she gets caught up discussing the harvest plans with Halling. It's near dark when Elizabeth finds her, a mug of ale in each hand. She passes one to Teyla. "Everything okay?"
"Things seem to be going well for them." Teyla takes a long drink of the dark, earthy brew and sighs in content. "I've missed the harvest ale. Not on any planet I've visited has there been anything that comes close."
"It reminds me a little of a beer I tried once in college, but I like this much better."
Teyla smiles and leans her shoulder against Elizabeth's. They sit in companionable silence for awhile, drinking and watching people go by. Only a few stop, and exchange no more than a handful of words before continuing on.
"They are settling in for the night," Teyla says. "Perhaps we should as well."
***
She wakes before dawn, as she always does when on the mainland, but the bed is warm and Elizabeth is curled against her, so she stays where she is. Outside the dwelling, she can hear people talking and she imagines them brewing their tea, getting ready for a long day that would be spent in the fields. Teyla remembers vividly the years spent working the harvest; the smell of grain, the pain of blistered palms, the taste of that first loaf of bread made with the new flour.
She had brought several loaves back with her from last year's harvest and gave all but one to the mess staff. The last one she shared with John and Elizabeth, the three of them sitting in Elizabeth's office late one night talking about the mission she and John had just returned from, eating rough slices slathered in butter and soft cheese. It was the first of many nights they had spent like that; the beginning of the beginning, she likes to think of it, and she can recall with perfect clarity how John and Elizabeth had passed the bowl of cheese back and forth across the desk.
If only she could remember the mission where things had gone so wrong with the same clarity. There were flashes, assorted images, but nothing she could piece together into anything coherent. Sometimes she could hear John shouting, but she could never remember the right order for his words, and they would just slip away like raw grain through her fingers.
Elizabeth stirs, and Teyla slides a hand over her bare shoulder. "Is it morning already?" Elizabeth groans, moving closer.
"Close enough," Teyla teases. She sits up.
Elizabeth slides her arms around Teyla's waist and lays her head on her thigh. "What did you dream about?" she asks, as she does every morning.
"I do not think I dreamed anything at all. You wore me out," Teyla replies, and feels Elizabeth smile against her skin. "It was good," she whispers, running a hand through Elizabeth's hair.
"I thought so, too," Elizabeth murmurs back, and Teyla thinks she looks years younger here in the gray light that shines just before sunrise, with her eyes closed and her hands stroking Teyla's hip.
***
"Elizabeth, wait," Teyla says in the jumper bay as Elizabeth reaches for the control to open the back of the jumper. "If I don't say this now…"
Elizabeth nods and sits back down. She understands waiting for people to say what they need to, and that is one of the things Teyla loves about her.
She takes a deep breath. "In regards to the conversation we started to have the day before yesterday, I've made up my mind. Atlantis... it became my home when the Wraith destroyed Athos. I'm saddened that my people do not all understand this, but it is true nonetheless. While we were on the mainland I spent much time talking to Halling, and it's time I relinquish my leadership role there and devote myself fully to Atlantis."
Elizabeth looks shocked. "You don't feel like I'm making you make a choice, do you?"
"No." Teyla leans down and kisses her, reaching to pull Elizabeth out of the seat. "This has been a long time coming. I'm tired of feeling as though I'm trying to run in different directions at the same time. I want to be here."
"Good." Elizabeth smiles, her arms wrapped loosely around Teyla's neck. "So what do we do now?"
"The same things we have been doing, I suppose."
"Keep on carrying on."
Teyla nods. "He'll come back," she murmurs. "Until then, we'll keep each other going."
Thanks to ladyjax for the beta.