You Won't Succeed on Broadway
Yet another entry in the tradition of "I have lots of work to do, but musical theatre is far more important."
ARTHUR:
Have you heard of this 'Broadway'?
ROBIN:
Yes Sire, and we don't stand a chance there
ARTHUR:
Why not?
ROBIN:
Because Broadway is a very special place, filled with very special people. People who can sing and dance, often at the same time! They are a different people, a multi-talented people, a people... who need people... and who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in the world. I'm sorry, Sire, but we don't have a chance.
ROBIN:
Well, let me put it like this....
In any great adventure
If you don't want to lose
Victory depends upon
The poeple that you choose
So listen, Arthur darling
Closely to this news
We won't succeed on Broadway
If we don't have any Jews.
You may have the finest sets
Fill the stage with Penthouse Pets
You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes
You may dance and you may sing
But I'm sorry, Arthur King
You'll hear no cheers, just lots and lots of boos
ENSEMBLE:
Boo.
ROBIN:
You may have butch men by the score
Whom the audience adore
You may even have some animals from zoos
Though you've Poles and Krauts instead
You may have unleavened bread
But I tell you, you are dead
If you don't have any Jews
They won't care if it's witty
Or everything looks pretty
They'll simply say it's shitty, and refuse
Nobody will go, sir
If it's not kosher, then no show sir
Even goyim won't be dim enough to choose
Put on shows that make men stare
With lots of girls in underwear
You may even have the finest of reviews
MINSTREL:
You're doing great!
ROBIN:
The audience won't care sir
As long as you don't dare sir
To open up on Broadway
If you don't have any Jews
You may have dramatic lighting
Or lots of horrid fighting
You may even have some white men sing the blues
Your knights might be nice boys
But sadly we're all goys,
And that noise that you call singing you must lose
So despite your pretty lights
Naughty girls in nasty tights
And the most impressive scenery you use
You may have dancing mano e mano
You may bring on a piano
But they will not give a damn-o
If you don't have any Jews
*cue Bottle Grail Dance*
You may fill your plays with gays
Have Nigerian girls in stays
GIRLS:
You may even have some shiksas making stews
ROBIN:
You haven't got a clue
If you don't have a Jew
All of your investments you are going to lose
There's a very small percentile
Who enjoys a dancing gentile
I'm sad to be the one with this bad news
Never mind your swordplay
You just won't succeed on Broadway
You just don't succeed on Broadway if you don't have any Jews
Arthur, can you hear me?
To get along on Broadway
To sing your song on Broadway
To hit the top on Broadway and not lose
I tell you Arthur King there is one essential thing
There simply must be, simply must be Jews
There simply must be
Arthur trust me
Simply must be Jews
Right. Back to the medieval origins of modern Europe, the "Myth of Nations," Chaucer and Middle English.
ARTHUR:
Have you heard of this 'Broadway'?
ROBIN:
Yes Sire, and we don't stand a chance there
ARTHUR:
Why not?
ROBIN:
Because Broadway is a very special place, filled with very special people. People who can sing and dance, often at the same time! They are a different people, a multi-talented people, a people... who need people... and who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in the world. I'm sorry, Sire, but we don't have a chance.
ROBIN:
Well, let me put it like this....
In any great adventure
If you don't want to lose
Victory depends upon
The poeple that you choose
So listen, Arthur darling
Closely to this news
We won't succeed on Broadway
If we don't have any Jews.
You may have the finest sets
Fill the stage with Penthouse Pets
You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes
You may dance and you may sing
But I'm sorry, Arthur King
You'll hear no cheers, just lots and lots of boos
ENSEMBLE:
Boo.
ROBIN:
You may have butch men by the score
Whom the audience adore
You may even have some animals from zoos
Though you've Poles and Krauts instead
You may have unleavened bread
But I tell you, you are dead
If you don't have any Jews
They won't care if it's witty
Or everything looks pretty
They'll simply say it's shitty, and refuse
Nobody will go, sir
If it's not kosher, then no show sir
Even goyim won't be dim enough to choose
Put on shows that make men stare
With lots of girls in underwear
You may even have the finest of reviews
MINSTREL:
You're doing great!
ROBIN:
The audience won't care sir
As long as you don't dare sir
To open up on Broadway
If you don't have any Jews
You may have dramatic lighting
Or lots of horrid fighting
You may even have some white men sing the blues
Your knights might be nice boys
But sadly we're all goys,
And that noise that you call singing you must lose
So despite your pretty lights
Naughty girls in nasty tights
And the most impressive scenery you use
You may have dancing mano e mano
You may bring on a piano
But they will not give a damn-o
If you don't have any Jews
*cue Bottle Grail Dance*
You may fill your plays with gays
Have Nigerian girls in stays
GIRLS:
You may even have some shiksas making stews
ROBIN:
You haven't got a clue
If you don't have a Jew
All of your investments you are going to lose
There's a very small percentile
Who enjoys a dancing gentile
I'm sad to be the one with this bad news
Never mind your swordplay
You just won't succeed on Broadway
You just don't succeed on Broadway if you don't have any Jews
Arthur, can you hear me?
To get along on Broadway
To sing your song on Broadway
To hit the top on Broadway and not lose
I tell you Arthur King there is one essential thing
There simply must be, simply must be Jews
There simply must be
Arthur trust me
Simply must be Jews
Click to viewRight. Back to the medieval origins of modern Europe, the "Myth of Nations," Chaucer and Middle English.