The akward moment when you realize that you are just not enough...
Okay...I just got into a little misunderstanding with mom, but said misunderstanding was caused for something I thought was a small comment from my side and that ended up with me, being an ungrateful bastard who was just arrogant enough and didn't know what I have and that life won't be always too happy with me...
Well, first of all, the background, we were about to go shopping but my mom asked me if I wanted to wait for them with my aunt, I told her that I didn't mind, after all I have been in other places that were more boring with them. She scolded me because I shouldn't say that, after that I didn't make any other comment.
Back at my house, she told me with tears in her eyes that I shouldn't say that because it meant that every time and every place I was with them was boring for me and I was ungrateful and that now I didn't understand because I have all chances to win and that if we are going to Japan (that I feel that my trip can be damned now...) it's because of me and that I just don't care about them and that I should be grateful with my life and that sadly they got a daughter who is ungrateful...
She missunderstood my words but well, I kind of not blame her because it seems a lot of people tend to do that, I was too naïve to think that my parents would understand me a little better (altho experience has tried to tell me otherwise but poor me stubborn girl who wanted to think other things).
And as I said before, now I am a ungrateful bastard who, no matter what I do (thing that I also knew but I fooled myself to ignore it) it would never be enough. Because it happens that no matter how many times I would listen to their illogical reasons, to their unrasonable orders, to their restrictions, no matter how I deprive myself of having fun, of not going out with my friends just because, no matter how a freaking 95 will never be enough for their standars, no matter if I still keep trying to obey everything they tell me...it just would never be enough.
And maybe she is right, because it is my duty to do all of that (altho I sometimes really wonder how come I haven't kill myself with all of this...) No matter if I am the first, the second, the whatever~ that I can give them everything they want, that I can't be the perfect daughter that they want is solely my fault and I am all the things that my mom said. And that it may be a little unfair that I am making them to go to Japan just because I want it while they are the one working their asses off for a person like me.
Maybe I am at fault and all the things that I make myself go through are not enough and aren't a sign of my gratitude towards them...
God -.- my life is too fucked -.- then, what is the reason I am here? argh, maybe what bother me the most (besides the previous point) is that I still get affected to all they say, that and that I am seriously thinking of telling my dad to cancel the trip to Tokyo...
Really, feelings are not good when I am the one to feel...