5 Times Ryo Fails at Trying to Be Taller and 1 Time Being Short Isn't So Bad
Title: 5 Times Ryo Fails at Trying to Be Taller and 1 Time Being Short Isn't So Bad
Author: ammora14
Rating: PG
Genre: Humor
Summary: Ryo's had it with the short jokes.
1. Ryo walked towards the NEWS dressing room felling rather proud of himself. His own genius truly astounded him sometimes. A pair of 4-inch heels under long baggy jeans; it was brilliantly simple. It was okay if he was short really, just as long as he appeared taller.
It was genius. Pure genius.
There was, however, one tiny little flaw. Ryo wasn’t exactly having the easiest time walking. (He had only admitted this to himself after tripping twice while attempting to walk up a flight of stairs. The little old lady walking behind him had to help him back up.) But it was all worth it if it would stop the midget jokes, the dwarf jokes, the elf jokes, the… well, you get the point.
Ryo finally arrived at the NEWS room and strutted in (“strutted in” meaning something more along the lines of “attempted to walk in normally without sustaining serious injury to himself”). The room was empty except for the group’s leader. Ryo grinned at the confused look on Yamapi’s face, mistaking it to be a result of his dramatically increased height (when, in fact, it was because of Ryo’s sudden clumsiness).
Yamapi cleared his throat awkwardly. “You seem…different.”
Ryo smirked and didn’t respond; instead he walked to the back of his room where his guitar was laying. More like, he attempted to walk to the back of the room. Unfortunately, he tripped after taking two steps and went sprawling across the floor. Even more unfortunate was that Ryo’s pink sparkly heels were clearly visible. He hastily picked himself up and fixed his jeans to cover his feet again. He glanced at Yamapi, who was now grinning.
“Ryo-chan,” Yamapi sang out, “those weren’t my stilettos, were they?”
The offended idol glared at him and attempted to storm out of the room. Predictably, this proved to be rather difficult with the heels. Ryo chose instead to chuck said heels at his fellow groupmate’s head and then storm out, yelling “At least I’m not FAT!”
---
2. As Shige headed towards the cafeteria to grab a cup of coffee, he could hear a loud commotion from the end of the hall. Normally, whenever there were loud disturbing noises coming from a certain direction, Shige-being the calm person that he was-would simply turn and head off in the opposite direction. After all, anything was possible with JE and Shige preferred to avoid as much mental scarring as he could. However, this time, Shige could hear Ryo’s voice yelling above everything else. With a sigh, Shige slowly turned towards the noise, figuring that if no one else was going to keep his groupmate in line, he might as well, because that’s what good bandmates do. Shige was a good bandmate, you see?
So instead of ignoring the yells of “Okay, now left. The other left, dumbass! I SAID LEFT, DAMMIT!”, he unwillingly made his way down the hall to sort out whatever was going on. He was rather perturbed to find Ryo surrounded by the youngest, and the shortest, juniors of JE.
“…Pimp much?” Shige said skeptically, raising an eyebrow.
Ryo shot him a glare and then turned back to his little posse. “Okay, straight to the end of the hall,” he instructed. The juniors and Ryo then began a slow, awkward shuffle down the hall. “These kids are tiny, right?” Ryo commented casually.
Shige blinked. And then it clicked. “Are you…are you trying to make yourself seem taller by surrounding yourself with little kids?”
Ryo let out a derisive snort. “Of course not.” But under Shige’s unfaltering and suspecting stare, a guilty look began to cross Ryo’s face. “…ABORT, ABORT!” Ryo yelled out, shoving his way past the crowd of juniors so that he could run down the hall. Unfortunately, this caused several of the juniors to fall over, which in turn knocked other juniors over, resulting in the majority of the small juniors to go toppling over in a domino effect.
Shige slowly counted to ten in his head, fighting the urge to chase after Ryo, and he began helping the kids up. By the time he had made sure everyone was okay and sent them back to their respective dressing rooms (warning them that the dwarf-man was bad and they should never let themselves get involved with his schemes, ever), Shige’s coffee had gone cold, meaning that he had to go make yet another coffee run. And now he had a headache too.
On his way back, he once again heard Ryo screaming out directions to a group of juniors who clearly had yet to learn the difference between right and left. This time though, Shige listened to that wise little voice in the back of his head yelling at him to turn around, and he just took a detour.
---
3. Koyama leaned against the banister of the steps leading into the restaurant, waiting for the rest of NEWS to show up. They had made plans to celebrate the new year by going out to eat, but Koyama had arrived a little early.
As he waited patiently, one of his fellow bandmates arrived. It was Ryo, strutting along in that cool way that only Ryo could do. (Koyama had tried to strut like that once, but then Tegoshi had walked in and concernedly asked him if he was constipated. Needless to say, Koyama had resolved never to attempt to Ryo-strut again.) Koyama greeted him cheerfully as he came over. They began casually talking about random things, like the weather and Koyama’s cat.
As they talked, Ryo climbed up one step higher than Koyama. Koyama didn’t think much of this as he described the things that his cat liked to eat for dinner. He unconsciously took a step up too.
“There are a lot of things that Nyanta refuses to eat, though,” he continued.
Ryo took another step up. “Really?”
“…Yes…” Koyama paused, a bit confused, but then just took another step up.
Ryo let out a small grunt of annoyance and took another step up, putting a hand on Koyama’s shoulder to stop him from doing the same.
Koyama stared up at him. “Um…what are you doing?”
Ryo made an impatient noise, as if nothing could have been more obvious than what he was doing. “I’m above your eyelevel now,” he explained.
Koyama blinked. “Is that…good?”
“Good?! Of course that’s good! It’s like I’m taller than you!” Ryo exclaimed.
Koyama blinked again.
“I’m just preparing you so that when I get my growth spurt you’ll already be used to be looking up at me.”
Blink blink.
“So really I’m doing you a favor.”
Blinkity blink.
“You’re welcome, by the way.”
Koyama really didn’t know how to respond to that.
---
4. Massu walked into the NEWS dressing room contentedly, having just enjoyed some delicious gyoza for lunch. He smiled to himself when he noticed Ryo drinking something. Drinks usually went with food, food meant leftovers, and leftovers meant Massu got to eat even more.
He bounded over to Ryo and then halted, frowning. There was no sign of food in front of Ryo; there were only a few large cartons of milk.
Ryo did not notice his bandmate hovering next to him, however. He was extremely focused on downing every last drop of milk in the carton. He finally did so and victoriously banged it down on the table in front of him. “That’s one down…”
Massu coughed quietly next to him.
Ryo glanced up. “Oh. Hi,” he said shortly and then opened up the next carton of milk, preparing to drink.
“What are you doing?” Massu asked curiously.
“I’ve realized that I must not have drunk enough milk as a kid. I’m just fixing that,” Ryo answered and then proceeded to chug down the drink.
“Ah,” Massu nodded. He sat down to watch.
Ryo wore the pained look of someone being slowly and gruesomely tortured when he finally put down the empty carton. He also wore a white milk moustache, but that was beside the point.
“You know,” Massu commented as Ryo slowly picked up another carton, “you’ll have an easier time drinking if you eat something with it.
Ryo paused to consider this.
“It balances the taste,” Massu said wisely, sounding quite experienced.
Ryo looked thoughtful. “Balancing the taste, huh?”
“And Koyama baked some cookies this morning…” Massu added.
Ryo had never appreciated Massu (or Koyama, for that matter) more than he did at that moment.
---
5. Ryo had created yet another plan to “increase” his height. Thus, at the next NEWS press conference, he was ready to put that plan into effect. This one was even simpler, and much safer, than the stiletto one. All it involved was Ryo’s chair, a couple of pillows, and some money to pay off a backstage worker.
Or, at least, that’s what Ryo believed. Sadly, this was not to be the case.
It all started out well enough. For the first fifteen minutes or so minutes of the conference, Ryo was a good few inches taller. Better yet, the fact that he was sitting next to Tegoshi made him seem even taller in comparison. A feeling of satisfaction came over Ryo as he dwelled upon this strange yet wonderful feeling of almost being…not short.
Regrettably, Ryo had not noticed that not only were the pillows clearly visible underneath him from the press reporters’ view, but his feet were quite obviously dangling a few inches off the ground.
So when a young reporter directly asked him if he could please explain why he was perched upon pillows and whether or not this was to show that his next drama was to involve “height-deprived” people, Ryo was rather taken aback (“taken aback” meaning that he gaped openmouthed at the reporter for a good minute or so). There were even crickets chirping in the background.
Fortunately for Ryo, he was part of NEWS, which meant that he was loved very much. And since his bandmates loved him so, they were always ready to help him out of a tight spot.
Unfortunately for Ryo, Tegoshi’s idea of helping out kind of made Ryo want to jump off a bridge.
Tegoshi smiled sweetly at the reporter. “No, that’s not it. It’s actually from Ryo-tan’s butt injury. He needs to keep it cushioned to keep the swelling down. You see, during rehearsal…” and then Tego launched into a full story that he was clearly making up on the spot about how Ryo’s devotion to hard work had caused him to seriously injure his butt.
Cameras flashed and reporters scribbled furiously while listening to this tragic tale, as Ryo attempted to melt into his seat. And that was before the papers came out the next day. Not only that, but for the next couple of weeks, Ryo had to pretend to have a butt injury when in public, which was just really really awkward.
---
1. “It’s really…bright,” Yamapi said weakly.
Ryo snorted. “Bright? It’s probably the gayest photoshoot that any band has ever had to do. And that includes Arashi.”
NEWS had just been given their outfits and the theme of their next photoshoot. (Let’s just say it involved lots of sparkles, rainbows, sequins, and even unicorns…) Needless to say, everyone had reacted in their own way. Tegoshi had clapped excitedly, while Koyama and Massu just looked rather dazed, as if blinded by the sparkles. Yamapi had begun to twitch at regular intervals, and Shige had choked on his coffee, which resulted in the burning of his mouth. Ryo had begun yelling about “destruction of our manly pride”, remembered who he was with, and then wondered why he had been grouped with all these girls in the first place.
--
A couple hours later, NEWS was standing in front of the rather painfully bright backdrop in full costume and makeup. (Shige had nearly had an aneurism when he’d realized that the make-up artist had six full tubes of glitter ready for them.)
The photographer began ordering them about, changing their positions and switching them around. “Since you two are the shortest,” she said to Tegoshi and Ryo (completely ignoring the insulted and quite violent look upon Ryo’s face), “you two can stand in front.”
“Okay!” Tego said cheerfully, dragging an enraged Ryo forward.
Then, they smiled and posed for the camera. Nobody watching would have guessed that, at that moment, 4 out of the six of them were considering honorable suicide and 1 was considering homicide.
The photographer paused in her shooting and began to rearrange the members again.
“You know what the fans would just love?” Ryo said quickly. “If I climb onto someone’s back. Since I’m just so short and all.” With a smirk, he jumped onto Yamapi’s back. “Just like this.”
The photographer looked thoughtful. “Cute,” she admitted, “but you can’t see your costume this way.”
Ryo argued that the fans would appreciate it much more than they would appreciate the costume, all while he was being held up by Yamapi. Shige made a noise of protest, which everyone ignored. The photographer relented and began snapping pictures.
“Good, good. Nishikido-san, tighten your grip, you look like you’re about to slide off. Masuda-san, put that cupcake down, you know it’s artificial. Kato-san, try to look a little more cheerful. You look a bit homicidal right now and it’s rather intimidating. Masuda-san, I said that’s artificial!”
Then the photographer began moving them around. Ryo continued suggesting “cute” ideas, like leaning down on Shige while Shige bent over and hiding halfway behind Koyama.
Turns out the photographer really liked “cute”.
After what seemed like an eternity but was really only a couple of hours, they were finished.
And Massu still hadn’t realized that trying to eat artificial foods was a bad idea.
--
When NEWS was shown the photos from the shoot, the only ones who were happy were Tegoshi and Ryo. Shige looked like he would enjoy destroying Ryo’s soul, while Yamapi looked outraged. Massu and Koyama just looked pained.
“You can’t even see your outfit in these!” the leader cried out at Ryo.
Ryo, on the other hand, looked quite smug. “Well, it’s not my fault that I have such a severe height disadvantage,” he replied with a grin.
Shige attempted not to strangle his bandmate. Yamapi felt cheated.
Koyama sighed. “Ne, I wish I were short too.”
Ryo just smirked. Win.
Author: ammora14
Rating: PG
Genre: Humor
Summary: Ryo's had it with the short jokes.
1. Ryo walked towards the NEWS dressing room felling rather proud of himself. His own genius truly astounded him sometimes. A pair of 4-inch heels under long baggy jeans; it was brilliantly simple. It was okay if he was short really, just as long as he appeared taller.
It was genius. Pure genius.
There was, however, one tiny little flaw. Ryo wasn’t exactly having the easiest time walking. (He had only admitted this to himself after tripping twice while attempting to walk up a flight of stairs. The little old lady walking behind him had to help him back up.) But it was all worth it if it would stop the midget jokes, the dwarf jokes, the elf jokes, the… well, you get the point.
Ryo finally arrived at the NEWS room and strutted in (“strutted in” meaning something more along the lines of “attempted to walk in normally without sustaining serious injury to himself”). The room was empty except for the group’s leader. Ryo grinned at the confused look on Yamapi’s face, mistaking it to be a result of his dramatically increased height (when, in fact, it was because of Ryo’s sudden clumsiness).
Yamapi cleared his throat awkwardly. “You seem…different.”
Ryo smirked and didn’t respond; instead he walked to the back of his room where his guitar was laying. More like, he attempted to walk to the back of the room. Unfortunately, he tripped after taking two steps and went sprawling across the floor. Even more unfortunate was that Ryo’s pink sparkly heels were clearly visible. He hastily picked himself up and fixed his jeans to cover his feet again. He glanced at Yamapi, who was now grinning.
“Ryo-chan,” Yamapi sang out, “those weren’t my stilettos, were they?”
The offended idol glared at him and attempted to storm out of the room. Predictably, this proved to be rather difficult with the heels. Ryo chose instead to chuck said heels at his fellow groupmate’s head and then storm out, yelling “At least I’m not FAT!”
---
2. As Shige headed towards the cafeteria to grab a cup of coffee, he could hear a loud commotion from the end of the hall. Normally, whenever there were loud disturbing noises coming from a certain direction, Shige-being the calm person that he was-would simply turn and head off in the opposite direction. After all, anything was possible with JE and Shige preferred to avoid as much mental scarring as he could. However, this time, Shige could hear Ryo’s voice yelling above everything else. With a sigh, Shige slowly turned towards the noise, figuring that if no one else was going to keep his groupmate in line, he might as well, because that’s what good bandmates do. Shige was a good bandmate, you see?
So instead of ignoring the yells of “Okay, now left. The other left, dumbass! I SAID LEFT, DAMMIT!”, he unwillingly made his way down the hall to sort out whatever was going on. He was rather perturbed to find Ryo surrounded by the youngest, and the shortest, juniors of JE.
“…Pimp much?” Shige said skeptically, raising an eyebrow.
Ryo shot him a glare and then turned back to his little posse. “Okay, straight to the end of the hall,” he instructed. The juniors and Ryo then began a slow, awkward shuffle down the hall. “These kids are tiny, right?” Ryo commented casually.
Shige blinked. And then it clicked. “Are you…are you trying to make yourself seem taller by surrounding yourself with little kids?”
Ryo let out a derisive snort. “Of course not.” But under Shige’s unfaltering and suspecting stare, a guilty look began to cross Ryo’s face. “…ABORT, ABORT!” Ryo yelled out, shoving his way past the crowd of juniors so that he could run down the hall. Unfortunately, this caused several of the juniors to fall over, which in turn knocked other juniors over, resulting in the majority of the small juniors to go toppling over in a domino effect.
Shige slowly counted to ten in his head, fighting the urge to chase after Ryo, and he began helping the kids up. By the time he had made sure everyone was okay and sent them back to their respective dressing rooms (warning them that the dwarf-man was bad and they should never let themselves get involved with his schemes, ever), Shige’s coffee had gone cold, meaning that he had to go make yet another coffee run. And now he had a headache too.
On his way back, he once again heard Ryo screaming out directions to a group of juniors who clearly had yet to learn the difference between right and left. This time though, Shige listened to that wise little voice in the back of his head yelling at him to turn around, and he just took a detour.
---
3. Koyama leaned against the banister of the steps leading into the restaurant, waiting for the rest of NEWS to show up. They had made plans to celebrate the new year by going out to eat, but Koyama had arrived a little early.
As he waited patiently, one of his fellow bandmates arrived. It was Ryo, strutting along in that cool way that only Ryo could do. (Koyama had tried to strut like that once, but then Tegoshi had walked in and concernedly asked him if he was constipated. Needless to say, Koyama had resolved never to attempt to Ryo-strut again.) Koyama greeted him cheerfully as he came over. They began casually talking about random things, like the weather and Koyama’s cat.
As they talked, Ryo climbed up one step higher than Koyama. Koyama didn’t think much of this as he described the things that his cat liked to eat for dinner. He unconsciously took a step up too.
“There are a lot of things that Nyanta refuses to eat, though,” he continued.
Ryo took another step up. “Really?”
“…Yes…” Koyama paused, a bit confused, but then just took another step up.
Ryo let out a small grunt of annoyance and took another step up, putting a hand on Koyama’s shoulder to stop him from doing the same.
Koyama stared up at him. “Um…what are you doing?”
Ryo made an impatient noise, as if nothing could have been more obvious than what he was doing. “I’m above your eyelevel now,” he explained.
Koyama blinked. “Is that…good?”
“Good?! Of course that’s good! It’s like I’m taller than you!” Ryo exclaimed.
Koyama blinked again.
“I’m just preparing you so that when I get my growth spurt you’ll already be used to be looking up at me.”
Blink blink.
“So really I’m doing you a favor.”
Blinkity blink.
“You’re welcome, by the way.”
Koyama really didn’t know how to respond to that.
---
4. Massu walked into the NEWS dressing room contentedly, having just enjoyed some delicious gyoza for lunch. He smiled to himself when he noticed Ryo drinking something. Drinks usually went with food, food meant leftovers, and leftovers meant Massu got to eat even more.
He bounded over to Ryo and then halted, frowning. There was no sign of food in front of Ryo; there were only a few large cartons of milk.
Ryo did not notice his bandmate hovering next to him, however. He was extremely focused on downing every last drop of milk in the carton. He finally did so and victoriously banged it down on the table in front of him. “That’s one down…”
Massu coughed quietly next to him.
Ryo glanced up. “Oh. Hi,” he said shortly and then opened up the next carton of milk, preparing to drink.
“What are you doing?” Massu asked curiously.
“I’ve realized that I must not have drunk enough milk as a kid. I’m just fixing that,” Ryo answered and then proceeded to chug down the drink.
“Ah,” Massu nodded. He sat down to watch.
Ryo wore the pained look of someone being slowly and gruesomely tortured when he finally put down the empty carton. He also wore a white milk moustache, but that was beside the point.
“You know,” Massu commented as Ryo slowly picked up another carton, “you’ll have an easier time drinking if you eat something with it.
Ryo paused to consider this.
“It balances the taste,” Massu said wisely, sounding quite experienced.
Ryo looked thoughtful. “Balancing the taste, huh?”
“And Koyama baked some cookies this morning…” Massu added.
Ryo had never appreciated Massu (or Koyama, for that matter) more than he did at that moment.
---
5. Ryo had created yet another plan to “increase” his height. Thus, at the next NEWS press conference, he was ready to put that plan into effect. This one was even simpler, and much safer, than the stiletto one. All it involved was Ryo’s chair, a couple of pillows, and some money to pay off a backstage worker.
Or, at least, that’s what Ryo believed. Sadly, this was not to be the case.
It all started out well enough. For the first fifteen minutes or so minutes of the conference, Ryo was a good few inches taller. Better yet, the fact that he was sitting next to Tegoshi made him seem even taller in comparison. A feeling of satisfaction came over Ryo as he dwelled upon this strange yet wonderful feeling of almost being…not short.
Regrettably, Ryo had not noticed that not only were the pillows clearly visible underneath him from the press reporters’ view, but his feet were quite obviously dangling a few inches off the ground.
So when a young reporter directly asked him if he could please explain why he was perched upon pillows and whether or not this was to show that his next drama was to involve “height-deprived” people, Ryo was rather taken aback (“taken aback” meaning that he gaped openmouthed at the reporter for a good minute or so). There were even crickets chirping in the background.
Fortunately for Ryo, he was part of NEWS, which meant that he was loved very much. And since his bandmates loved him so, they were always ready to help him out of a tight spot.
Unfortunately for Ryo, Tegoshi’s idea of helping out kind of made Ryo want to jump off a bridge.
Tegoshi smiled sweetly at the reporter. “No, that’s not it. It’s actually from Ryo-tan’s butt injury. He needs to keep it cushioned to keep the swelling down. You see, during rehearsal…” and then Tego launched into a full story that he was clearly making up on the spot about how Ryo’s devotion to hard work had caused him to seriously injure his butt.
Cameras flashed and reporters scribbled furiously while listening to this tragic tale, as Ryo attempted to melt into his seat. And that was before the papers came out the next day. Not only that, but for the next couple of weeks, Ryo had to pretend to have a butt injury when in public, which was just really really awkward.
---
1. “It’s really…bright,” Yamapi said weakly.
Ryo snorted. “Bright? It’s probably the gayest photoshoot that any band has ever had to do. And that includes Arashi.”
NEWS had just been given their outfits and the theme of their next photoshoot. (Let’s just say it involved lots of sparkles, rainbows, sequins, and even unicorns…) Needless to say, everyone had reacted in their own way. Tegoshi had clapped excitedly, while Koyama and Massu just looked rather dazed, as if blinded by the sparkles. Yamapi had begun to twitch at regular intervals, and Shige had choked on his coffee, which resulted in the burning of his mouth. Ryo had begun yelling about “destruction of our manly pride”, remembered who he was with, and then wondered why he had been grouped with all these girls in the first place.
--
A couple hours later, NEWS was standing in front of the rather painfully bright backdrop in full costume and makeup. (Shige had nearly had an aneurism when he’d realized that the make-up artist had six full tubes of glitter ready for them.)
The photographer began ordering them about, changing their positions and switching them around. “Since you two are the shortest,” she said to Tegoshi and Ryo (completely ignoring the insulted and quite violent look upon Ryo’s face), “you two can stand in front.”
“Okay!” Tego said cheerfully, dragging an enraged Ryo forward.
Then, they smiled and posed for the camera. Nobody watching would have guessed that, at that moment, 4 out of the six of them were considering honorable suicide and 1 was considering homicide.
The photographer paused in her shooting and began to rearrange the members again.
“You know what the fans would just love?” Ryo said quickly. “If I climb onto someone’s back. Since I’m just so short and all.” With a smirk, he jumped onto Yamapi’s back. “Just like this.”
The photographer looked thoughtful. “Cute,” she admitted, “but you can’t see your costume this way.”
Ryo argued that the fans would appreciate it much more than they would appreciate the costume, all while he was being held up by Yamapi. Shige made a noise of protest, which everyone ignored. The photographer relented and began snapping pictures.
“Good, good. Nishikido-san, tighten your grip, you look like you’re about to slide off. Masuda-san, put that cupcake down, you know it’s artificial. Kato-san, try to look a little more cheerful. You look a bit homicidal right now and it’s rather intimidating. Masuda-san, I said that’s artificial!”
Then the photographer began moving them around. Ryo continued suggesting “cute” ideas, like leaning down on Shige while Shige bent over and hiding halfway behind Koyama.
Turns out the photographer really liked “cute”.
After what seemed like an eternity but was really only a couple of hours, they were finished.
And Massu still hadn’t realized that trying to eat artificial foods was a bad idea.
--
When NEWS was shown the photos from the shoot, the only ones who were happy were Tegoshi and Ryo. Shige looked like he would enjoy destroying Ryo’s soul, while Yamapi looked outraged. Massu and Koyama just looked pained.
“You can’t even see your outfit in these!” the leader cried out at Ryo.
Ryo, on the other hand, looked quite smug. “Well, it’s not my fault that I have such a severe height disadvantage,” he replied with a grin.
Shige attempted not to strangle his bandmate. Yamapi felt cheated.
Koyama sighed. “Ne, I wish I were short too.”
Ryo just smirked. Win.