this is a teen wolf pirates of the caribbean au that i'm posting here…
primarily so I don't have to HTML all of the paragraph breaks in order to post it on tumblr.
Kassie: "Don't eat me" to a parrot. Oh Will Turner, you're fine but you're simple.
Zani: hahaha omg will turner as the andy dwyer of potc
Zani: that time he breaks the sconce!
Kassie: ALSO: Derek as the Jack Sparrow of Teen Wolf but not on purpose.
Kassie: He just kind of breathes and interesting things happen and sometimes he falls off of stuff
Kassie: Oh and one time he might have sold his soul to Davy Jones!Kate but… also not on purpose
Zani: poor derek
Zani: "accidentally jack sparrow" is not a terribly flattering description
Kassie: Though
Kassie: No not Kate
Kassie: Kali for Calypso, Jennifer for Davy Jones, Kate for Becket. And then lady villain threesome probably
Kassie: Peter is not invited to this AU. He got eaten by an octopus.
Kassie: …it was a really big octopus.
Zani: GOOD
Zani: kira is elizabeth but an elizabeth who stays pirate king instead of deciding to be a mom and wife forever
Zani: scott is will and captain derek sparrow is a little bit in love with him, naturally
Kassie: SERIOUSLY. Braeden is Annamaria, Scott is Will, Laura can be Barbossa, Stiles and Isaac for Pintel and Raghetti, Boyd for Mr Gibbs maybe?, and… I suppose Lydia, Allison, Cora, Erica, and Malia don't have perfect analogues but they're all here too because I said so
Kassie: Stiles: …you know you can't read.
Kassie: Isaac: IT'S THE BIBLE YOU GET CREDIT FOR TRYING.
Zani: cora is that one lady pirate played by zoe saldana
Kassie: That's Annamaria. XD
Zani: OH
Zani: I am bad with names
Kassie: It's okay, hers only got mentioned once I think
Zani: also braeden is a better choice, as she's not derek's sister haha
Zani: i just need snarky lady pirate cora a lot
Kassie: She'll be a snarky lady pirate who sleeps with all the other snarky lady pirates. She just doesn't have an analogue because there are only so many characters with names and personalities xD
Zani: maybe lydia is a mer witch who enchants her THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS
Zani: i do think isaac would make a good norrington type
Zani: a nobleman gone rogue
Kassie: OH DAMN I KNEW I FORGOT SOMEONE
Kassie: Okay Isaac for Norrington then, and Cora can be Raghetti instead. So we get instead:
Kassie: Cora: …you know you can't read. :|
Kassie: Stiles: IT'S THE BIBLE YOU GET CREDIT FOR TRYING. >|
Zani: beautiful
Kassie: Which changes stuff a bit so it's like. Stiles is Scott's childhood friend who ran away after his mother died and suddenly turns up as a pirate on Laura's crew in Black Pearl.
Kassie: Which being as it's Scott and Stiles… probably puts a damper on otherwise dramatically tense pirate stuff
Kassie: "*blah blah dramatically tense pirate stuff*"
Kassie: (they see each other)
Kassie: "…Scott?"
Kassie: "Stiles???"
Kassie: (clouds part, angels sing, they both GRIN and drop their duels to come run up and hug each other)
Kassie: Everyone else: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING???
Kassie: Skittles: (can't hear you they're too busy bounce-hugging and Stiles can pick Scott up for reasons)
Zani: YES TO ALL OF THIS especially the picking up
Kassie: Stiles: OH SO I'M LIKE A ZOMBIE PIRATE NOW :D
Kassie: Scott: WAIT WHAT WHY
Kassie: Stiles: idk Laura heard a story about some cursed treasure of Herman Cherry Cordial or something
Kassie: Laura: HERNÁN CORTÉS. :|
Kassie: Stiles: and it turns out it really was cursed after all, just wait, once the moon's out, I'll totally show you :D
Kassie: Scott: oh sweet, uh while we're sharing, I'm kind of a werewolf now???
Kassie: Stiles: wait what why since when werewolves are real
Kassie: Scott: (flashes werewolf eyes and fangs and stuff)
Kassie: Stiles: DUDE SWEET :DD
Kassie: Both: OMG YOU'RE ALIVE AND YOU'RE HERE THIS IS THE BEST THING ♥♥♥
Kassie: Everyone else: (SIGHS DRAMATICALLY)
Zani: ooooh i wonder how the cursed aztec gold affects lycanthropy
Kassie: I don't know yet, Scott only decided to be a werewolf like 20 seconds ago xD
Kassie: Okay, I retract previous statement about Peter but I have a good reason: so Peter, being himself and a Hale, is also kind of a fuck up. (Relative use of the phrase here: Derek is a fuck up because he only does things accidentally, Laura's a fuck up because her moral compass is a little bit… wonky, Cora's a fuck up because she's prone to more violent outbursts than her big brother, and Peter's a fuck up because he's an evil predatory asshole.)
Kassie: So Peter, being himself, once upon a time decided to play with witchcraft, and not the good healing helping sort of witchcraft, more like the "sell your soul to Satan for power, this would get you totally burned at the stake in the old country" witchcraft.
Kassie: Because the Hales are a pirate dynasty and Talia is Keith Richards in this scenario so she was a Very Important Pirate in the council and actual Disney villain Peter Hale was jealous.
Zani: ugh peter
Zani: you and your power lust
Kassie: So like. Black Pearl has Barbossa and Norrington for antagonists, right, with Barbossa as the villain and Norrington as "that dick over there who isn't evil, he's just uptight." WELL ABOUT THAT Y'SEE.
Kassie: In this AU, the villain is actually Peter.
Zani: PLOT TWIST
Kassie: He's not just a werewolf anymore, he's like. ~the sea wolf~ or some fucking thing. Basically, in selling his soul to Satan for said power, he unlocked his s1 Alpha power without him having to kill Talia (since she has to show up in At World's End and no one knows where she is), and became a sea terrorizing horrific monster in the bad way. The very bad way.
Kassie: (Derek wasn't aware of this, he was too busy eating Braeden out while it was happening.)
Kassie: So like. Laura, on a more structural level, starts out as an antagonist because she and Derek are always fighting over who gets to be captain of the Black Pearl (thanks for not saying who got the ship when you disappeared, Mom :|)
Kassie: And she's not entirely a hero here because, as mentioned, her moral compass is kinda wibbly wobbly? Like, Derek is selfish and he screws up but his heart is more or less in the right place most of the time. Cora is selfish and mostly competent but the only interests she puts much importance on are booze (magic werewolf intoxicating booze of course), treasure, violence, and pretty lasses.
Kassie: …Laura is a moral and ethical question mark here because like. She wants to be pirate queen on the council, which means she has to act in the way that pirates are supposed to act (or so she thinks).
Kassie: She is constantly being held up to Talia and her legacy by other people, and reacting against that in really mixed up ways (trying to be a better pirate than her mom some days, rejecting it and doing things differently on other days, she's all over the place).
Kassie: She's a Hale so sarcasm and a marked tendency toward violence are to be expected, and on a deep level, Laura does not actually know what she wants because Talia kinda fucked her up about letting herself want things. Which is a mess.
Kassie: But she's not evil and she does seriously object to what Peter is doing here, like. She's not the piratical werewolf Robin Hood or anything, no, she gives back sometimes but no see she rightfully stole this gold so it belongs to her and her crew (and she's protective of her crew and even of Derek, Kira, and Scott because of that heart that she doesn't want anyone to know she has), but she's also not about just letting her evil uncle straight up murder people for Satan.
Kassie: WHICH IS ALL VERY IMPORTANT BECAUSE AS I WAS GOING TO SAY ORIGINALLY: so Derek and Kira being stranded on the rum runner island. This happens differently from Black Pearl too.
Kassie: It's different because Laura drops them there because she's going to go take on Peter, and on one hand, she's like "ahh fuck, this pampered princess is going to be in danger and she's going to distract Scott so he'll be in danger okay, Kira, go sit."
Kassie: On the other, she's like, "Derek, when you actually try to help, you break everything so you can go sit too." And she doesn't strand them there indefinitely (oh stop wibbling Derek, she's going to come back for you once Peter is dead okay now GO SIT)
Kassie: (Granted, the first time she stranded Derek on said island, it was because they were having yet another sibling over possession and captaincy of the Black Pearl and Laura went "no it is mine, if I beat you in a duel, you go sit. :|" well Derek agreed and lost and got himself stranded.)
Kassie: But this time, stranding Derek and Kira is meant to help them, and… neither of them really takes this very well, whatever your intent here was, Laura.
Kassie: So they're like "WE CAN'T JUST SIT HERE DEREK"
Kassie: "yeah I agree"
Kassie: "PETER IS GOING TO KILL EVERYONE AND RUIN FREEDOM ON THE HIGH SEAS AND WE HAVE TO STOP HIM"
Kassie: "absolutely yes"
Kassie: "UGH WHY THE HELL DID LAURA EVEN DO THIS"
Kassie: "I'd guess she probably really does think she's helping or something"
Kassie: "FIRST NIGHT I WAS ON HER SHIP, I HELD MY OWN IN HAND TO HAND WITH STILES HOW COULD SHE EVEN THINK I CAN'T HANDLE THIS"
Kassie: "idk she gets really convinced of stuff easily *poking around the sand and bouncing on the trap door*"
Kassie: "OKAY SO COME ON WE NEED TO GET SUPPLIES TOGETHER"
Kassie: "uh huh *bounce bounce bounce starts ferreting in the sand for the door*"
Kassie: "YOU GO GET WOOD AND STUFF, I'LL GO GET SOME IDK TREE SAP AND TWINE TO BIND THE RAFT TOGETHER AND WE ARE GETTING OFF OF uh excuse me Derek but what are you doing :|"
Kassie: "*comes up out of the cellar with two bottles of supernatural effective rum* well Laura ditched us here with only a pistol with one shot between the two of us and whatever you may be hiding in your nightie, and considering I have no idea what to do and a tendency to break literally everything when I try to help, I suggest we sit here and get shit-faced. :/"
Kassie: "…………"
Kassie: "*proffers the bottle that has the better rum* I got you the really good stuff? :/"
Kassie: "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!"
Kassie: "…uh well, if you don't want rum, they might have sherry or some other thing maybe?"
Kassie: "YOU GOT OFF THIS ISLAND BEFORE DIDN'T YOU?"
Kassie: "uhhh. technically yes"
Kassie: "DEFINE TECHNICALLY YES. :|"
Kassie: "…I may have had help?"
Kassie: "DEFINE HELP."
Kassie: "uhhhh. :/"
Kassie: "YOU ARE CAPTAIN DEREK THE SPARROW HALE HOW DID YOU GET OFF OF THIS FREAKING ISLAND"
Kassie: "……I sat on a beach by myself drinking rum until the East India Trading Company showed up and Cutlass Kate arrested me. For like the fifth time. :("
Kassie: "you what?"
Kassie: "…*scrunch face* I sat on a beach by myself drinking rum until"
Kassie: "I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID THE FIRST TIME I JUST DIDN'T BELIEVE IT. …I suppose there's some grand story to how you got out of her hold too? :|"
Kassie: "…I said I'd help her find the Isla de Muerta, then I kind of accidentally started a fire in the gunnery. :("
Zani: oh derek you’re a disaster even in this au
Kassie: Cora: Well we ain't original Scandinavians are we, so "KRAYken."
Kassie: Stiles: IT'S A MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE I CAN CALLS IT WHAT I WANTS
Kassie: "Don't eat me" to a parrot. Oh Will Turner, you're fine but you're simple.
Zani: hahaha omg will turner as the andy dwyer of potc
Zani: that time he breaks the sconce!
Kassie: ALSO: Derek as the Jack Sparrow of Teen Wolf but not on purpose.
Kassie: He just kind of breathes and interesting things happen and sometimes he falls off of stuff
Kassie: Oh and one time he might have sold his soul to Davy Jones!Kate but… also not on purpose
Zani: poor derek
Zani: "accidentally jack sparrow" is not a terribly flattering description
Kassie: Though
Kassie: No not Kate
Kassie: Kali for Calypso, Jennifer for Davy Jones, Kate for Becket. And then lady villain threesome probably
Kassie: Peter is not invited to this AU. He got eaten by an octopus.
Kassie: …it was a really big octopus.
Zani: GOOD
Zani: kira is elizabeth but an elizabeth who stays pirate king instead of deciding to be a mom and wife forever
Zani: scott is will and captain derek sparrow is a little bit in love with him, naturally
Kassie: SERIOUSLY. Braeden is Annamaria, Scott is Will, Laura can be Barbossa, Stiles and Isaac for Pintel and Raghetti, Boyd for Mr Gibbs maybe?, and… I suppose Lydia, Allison, Cora, Erica, and Malia don't have perfect analogues but they're all here too because I said so
Kassie: Stiles: …you know you can't read.
Kassie: Isaac: IT'S THE BIBLE YOU GET CREDIT FOR TRYING.
Zani: cora is that one lady pirate played by zoe saldana
Kassie: That's Annamaria. XD
Zani: OH
Zani: I am bad with names
Kassie: It's okay, hers only got mentioned once I think
Zani: also braeden is a better choice, as she's not derek's sister haha
Zani: i just need snarky lady pirate cora a lot
Kassie: She'll be a snarky lady pirate who sleeps with all the other snarky lady pirates. She just doesn't have an analogue because there are only so many characters with names and personalities xD
Zani: maybe lydia is a mer witch who enchants her THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS
Zani: i do think isaac would make a good norrington type
Zani: a nobleman gone rogue
Kassie: OH DAMN I KNEW I FORGOT SOMEONE
Kassie: Okay Isaac for Norrington then, and Cora can be Raghetti instead. So we get instead:
Kassie: Cora: …you know you can't read. :|
Kassie: Stiles: IT'S THE BIBLE YOU GET CREDIT FOR TRYING. >|
Zani: beautiful
Kassie: Which changes stuff a bit so it's like. Stiles is Scott's childhood friend who ran away after his mother died and suddenly turns up as a pirate on Laura's crew in Black Pearl.
Kassie: Which being as it's Scott and Stiles… probably puts a damper on otherwise dramatically tense pirate stuff
Kassie: "*blah blah dramatically tense pirate stuff*"
Kassie: (they see each other)
Kassie: "…Scott?"
Kassie: "Stiles???"
Kassie: (clouds part, angels sing, they both GRIN and drop their duels to come run up and hug each other)
Kassie: Everyone else: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING???
Kassie: Skittles: (can't hear you they're too busy bounce-hugging and Stiles can pick Scott up for reasons)
Zani: YES TO ALL OF THIS especially the picking up
Kassie: Stiles: OH SO I'M LIKE A ZOMBIE PIRATE NOW :D
Kassie: Scott: WAIT WHAT WHY
Kassie: Stiles: idk Laura heard a story about some cursed treasure of Herman Cherry Cordial or something
Kassie: Laura: HERNÁN CORTÉS. :|
Kassie: Stiles: and it turns out it really was cursed after all, just wait, once the moon's out, I'll totally show you :D
Kassie: Scott: oh sweet, uh while we're sharing, I'm kind of a werewolf now???
Kassie: Stiles: wait what why since when werewolves are real
Kassie: Scott: (flashes werewolf eyes and fangs and stuff)
Kassie: Stiles: DUDE SWEET :DD
Kassie: Both: OMG YOU'RE ALIVE AND YOU'RE HERE THIS IS THE BEST THING ♥♥♥
Kassie: Everyone else: (SIGHS DRAMATICALLY)
Zani: ooooh i wonder how the cursed aztec gold affects lycanthropy
Kassie: I don't know yet, Scott only decided to be a werewolf like 20 seconds ago xD
Kassie: Okay, I retract previous statement about Peter but I have a good reason: so Peter, being himself and a Hale, is also kind of a fuck up. (Relative use of the phrase here: Derek is a fuck up because he only does things accidentally, Laura's a fuck up because her moral compass is a little bit… wonky, Cora's a fuck up because she's prone to more violent outbursts than her big brother, and Peter's a fuck up because he's an evil predatory asshole.)
Kassie: So Peter, being himself, once upon a time decided to play with witchcraft, and not the good healing helping sort of witchcraft, more like the "sell your soul to Satan for power, this would get you totally burned at the stake in the old country" witchcraft.
Kassie: Because the Hales are a pirate dynasty and Talia is Keith Richards in this scenario so she was a Very Important Pirate in the council and actual Disney villain Peter Hale was jealous.
Zani: ugh peter
Zani: you and your power lust
Kassie: So like. Black Pearl has Barbossa and Norrington for antagonists, right, with Barbossa as the villain and Norrington as "that dick over there who isn't evil, he's just uptight." WELL ABOUT THAT Y'SEE.
Kassie: In this AU, the villain is actually Peter.
Zani: PLOT TWIST
Kassie: He's not just a werewolf anymore, he's like. ~the sea wolf~ or some fucking thing. Basically, in selling his soul to Satan for said power, he unlocked his s1 Alpha power without him having to kill Talia (since she has to show up in At World's End and no one knows where she is), and became a sea terrorizing horrific monster in the bad way. The very bad way.
Kassie: (Derek wasn't aware of this, he was too busy eating Braeden out while it was happening.)
Kassie: So like. Laura, on a more structural level, starts out as an antagonist because she and Derek are always fighting over who gets to be captain of the Black Pearl (thanks for not saying who got the ship when you disappeared, Mom :|)
Kassie: And she's not entirely a hero here because, as mentioned, her moral compass is kinda wibbly wobbly? Like, Derek is selfish and he screws up but his heart is more or less in the right place most of the time. Cora is selfish and mostly competent but the only interests she puts much importance on are booze (magic werewolf intoxicating booze of course), treasure, violence, and pretty lasses.
Kassie: …Laura is a moral and ethical question mark here because like. She wants to be pirate queen on the council, which means she has to act in the way that pirates are supposed to act (or so she thinks).
Kassie: She is constantly being held up to Talia and her legacy by other people, and reacting against that in really mixed up ways (trying to be a better pirate than her mom some days, rejecting it and doing things differently on other days, she's all over the place).
Kassie: She's a Hale so sarcasm and a marked tendency toward violence are to be expected, and on a deep level, Laura does not actually know what she wants because Talia kinda fucked her up about letting herself want things. Which is a mess.
Kassie: But she's not evil and she does seriously object to what Peter is doing here, like. She's not the piratical werewolf Robin Hood or anything, no, she gives back sometimes but no see she rightfully stole this gold so it belongs to her and her crew (and she's protective of her crew and even of Derek, Kira, and Scott because of that heart that she doesn't want anyone to know she has), but she's also not about just letting her evil uncle straight up murder people for Satan.
Kassie: WHICH IS ALL VERY IMPORTANT BECAUSE AS I WAS GOING TO SAY ORIGINALLY: so Derek and Kira being stranded on the rum runner island. This happens differently from Black Pearl too.
Kassie: It's different because Laura drops them there because she's going to go take on Peter, and on one hand, she's like "ahh fuck, this pampered princess is going to be in danger and she's going to distract Scott so he'll be in danger okay, Kira, go sit."
Kassie: On the other, she's like, "Derek, when you actually try to help, you break everything so you can go sit too." And she doesn't strand them there indefinitely (oh stop wibbling Derek, she's going to come back for you once Peter is dead okay now GO SIT)
Kassie: (Granted, the first time she stranded Derek on said island, it was because they were having yet another sibling over possession and captaincy of the Black Pearl and Laura went "no it is mine, if I beat you in a duel, you go sit. :|" well Derek agreed and lost and got himself stranded.)
Kassie: But this time, stranding Derek and Kira is meant to help them, and… neither of them really takes this very well, whatever your intent here was, Laura.
Kassie: So they're like "WE CAN'T JUST SIT HERE DEREK"
Kassie: "yeah I agree"
Kassie: "PETER IS GOING TO KILL EVERYONE AND RUIN FREEDOM ON THE HIGH SEAS AND WE HAVE TO STOP HIM"
Kassie: "absolutely yes"
Kassie: "UGH WHY THE HELL DID LAURA EVEN DO THIS"
Kassie: "I'd guess she probably really does think she's helping or something"
Kassie: "FIRST NIGHT I WAS ON HER SHIP, I HELD MY OWN IN HAND TO HAND WITH STILES HOW COULD SHE EVEN THINK I CAN'T HANDLE THIS"
Kassie: "idk she gets really convinced of stuff easily *poking around the sand and bouncing on the trap door*"
Kassie: "OKAY SO COME ON WE NEED TO GET SUPPLIES TOGETHER"
Kassie: "uh huh *bounce bounce bounce starts ferreting in the sand for the door*"
Kassie: "YOU GO GET WOOD AND STUFF, I'LL GO GET SOME IDK TREE SAP AND TWINE TO BIND THE RAFT TOGETHER AND WE ARE GETTING OFF OF uh excuse me Derek but what are you doing :|"
Kassie: "*comes up out of the cellar with two bottles of supernatural effective rum* well Laura ditched us here with only a pistol with one shot between the two of us and whatever you may be hiding in your nightie, and considering I have no idea what to do and a tendency to break literally everything when I try to help, I suggest we sit here and get shit-faced. :/"
Kassie: "…………"
Kassie: "*proffers the bottle that has the better rum* I got you the really good stuff? :/"
Kassie: "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!"
Kassie: "…uh well, if you don't want rum, they might have sherry or some other thing maybe?"
Kassie: "YOU GOT OFF THIS ISLAND BEFORE DIDN'T YOU?"
Kassie: "uhhh. technically yes"
Kassie: "DEFINE TECHNICALLY YES. :|"
Kassie: "…I may have had help?"
Kassie: "DEFINE HELP."
Kassie: "uhhhh. :/"
Kassie: "YOU ARE CAPTAIN DEREK THE SPARROW HALE HOW DID YOU GET OFF OF THIS FREAKING ISLAND"
Kassie: "……I sat on a beach by myself drinking rum until the East India Trading Company showed up and Cutlass Kate arrested me. For like the fifth time. :("
Kassie: "you what?"
Kassie: "…*scrunch face* I sat on a beach by myself drinking rum until"
Kassie: "I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID THE FIRST TIME I JUST DIDN'T BELIEVE IT. …I suppose there's some grand story to how you got out of her hold too? :|"
Kassie: "…I said I'd help her find the Isla de Muerta, then I kind of accidentally started a fire in the gunnery. :("
Zani: oh derek you’re a disaster even in this au
Kassie: Cora: Well we ain't original Scandinavians are we, so "KRAYken."
Kassie: Stiles: IT'S A MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE I CAN CALLS IT WHAT I WANTS