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I don't know how I am supposed to feel anymore. Someone please enlighten me.
i am barely getting home from working another late night with my mom.
this job of hers is killer, and she is having a hard time.
but working with her is great, i talk to her so much.
everything in my head that i can speak of goes out
and she listens. she soaks up the words. she sees past my worthless
things im saying and sees what im really getting at.
she doesn't get bored or annoyed with me.
the lady has had almost 18 years of practice,
but it is still enough to make me want to be a 5 year old girl.
the times when i neer left her side at home. when she used to say
"one day you will grow up and be too cool to hang out with me."
and i used to say "no one is cooler than you. that would never happen."
she was my hero. now she is the only one i look up to.
or can trust what she tells me.
lately it feels as though everyone is bored. or mad.
just a bad feeling altogether.
i feel as though i repeat the same patterns, say the same things,
and am too predictable. that i don't fit in where i always did.
that i miss out on all the inside jokes and then feel horrible as though
i feel sorry for myself for feeling that way.
it makes me torn emotionally
and i am always upset and defensive. planes never seem to go right
and i think i am just hurting myself.
i don't know how to act, or what to say.
apparently what comes to mind never seems good enough
or the fact i talk to much
so the same reply of "mhm" is always the common response.
well, i don't think that helps much.
i don't want to have conversations by myself, but if i sit and don't say anything
then all it is, is, of course, inside jokes.
i am at a loss.
where to go and what to do.
so on my mind right now:
i am sorry for all the times i said the wrong things
i am sorry for all the times i lost my temper
i am sorry for all the times i got so over zealous i wrote how much i loved my friends
i am sorry for all the times i got too comfortable and didn't think about my actions
i am sorry for anything mean i have ever said
i am sorry for not having anything new to say
i am sorry for not understanding half of the conversations lately
i am sorry for all the things i have done to piss you off
i am sorry for anything i have done to affect you negatively.
but now i am in that place where who knows what i am going to do.
she was telling me that she saw how i interacted with the people at her work.
then how she sees me interact with people outside of there.
how i know how to act,
but lately have been killing myself. how so much is going on
and she sees me in nothing but pain.
how i have been hurting my whole life
and i am at the breaking point of being happy.
so close yet so far.
all the advice she gave me i would never repeat, because it doesn't need to be
shared.
she finally said "is that was you are fighting for?"
the response was tears.
the response is always tears.
because in my mind i know what i wanted to say.
what i felt.
sorry that was a lot.
i am barely getting home from working another late night with my mom.
this job of hers is killer, and she is having a hard time.
but working with her is great, i talk to her so much.
everything in my head that i can speak of goes out
and she listens. she soaks up the words. she sees past my worthless
things im saying and sees what im really getting at.
she doesn't get bored or annoyed with me.
the lady has had almost 18 years of practice,
but it is still enough to make me want to be a 5 year old girl.
the times when i neer left her side at home. when she used to say
"one day you will grow up and be too cool to hang out with me."
and i used to say "no one is cooler than you. that would never happen."
she was my hero. now she is the only one i look up to.
or can trust what she tells me.
lately it feels as though everyone is bored. or mad.
just a bad feeling altogether.
i feel as though i repeat the same patterns, say the same things,
and am too predictable. that i don't fit in where i always did.
that i miss out on all the inside jokes and then feel horrible as though
i feel sorry for myself for feeling that way.
it makes me torn emotionally
and i am always upset and defensive. planes never seem to go right
and i think i am just hurting myself.
i don't know how to act, or what to say.
apparently what comes to mind never seems good enough
or the fact i talk to much
so the same reply of "mhm" is always the common response.
well, i don't think that helps much.
i don't want to have conversations by myself, but if i sit and don't say anything
then all it is, is, of course, inside jokes.
i am at a loss.
where to go and what to do.
so on my mind right now:
i am sorry for all the times i said the wrong things
i am sorry for all the times i lost my temper
i am sorry for all the times i got so over zealous i wrote how much i loved my friends
i am sorry for all the times i got too comfortable and didn't think about my actions
i am sorry for anything mean i have ever said
i am sorry for not having anything new to say
i am sorry for not understanding half of the conversations lately
i am sorry for all the things i have done to piss you off
i am sorry for anything i have done to affect you negatively.
but now i am in that place where who knows what i am going to do.
she was telling me that she saw how i interacted with the people at her work.
then how she sees me interact with people outside of there.
how i know how to act,
but lately have been killing myself. how so much is going on
and she sees me in nothing but pain.
how i have been hurting my whole life
and i am at the breaking point of being happy.
so close yet so far.
all the advice she gave me i would never repeat, because it doesn't need to be
shared.
she finally said "is that was you are fighting for?"
the response was tears.
the response is always tears.
because in my mind i know what i wanted to say.
what i felt.
sorry that was a lot.