OH THE ANGST!
cut for the sake of your flist
Warning: tons of ansget and self pity so dont read if you were planning on not throwing up out of annoyance today.
To Whom It May Concern:
Well thanks a fucking lot. It really was the perfect way to end a shitty week. I just wish you would have told me oh i dunno maybe monday? i hate being lied to. it makes me feel like i am an idiot. and i know you will sit there and say "well i didnt lie to you i jsut wasnt sure how i felt." well how aobut telling me how you felt? that would have been better than avoiding me all freaking week making me feel liek i was the one who did something wrong to make you upset or soemthing.
and speaking of lying, it makes me sort of look back. i don't regret a single thing (well..excpt for tht one thing, you know what im talking aobut it doesnt bear repeating. everytime, it fuins thing. it always does, why coudldnt we have left it how it was?) that happened in the past 4 months, but knowing why make me feel like, was any of it real? or were you jsut pretending the whole time? i tried not to ley it affect me but sometimes i just got the feeling liek i was jsut the rebound girl afterbeing rejected. you know the whole lieking the "idea of me" (first girlfriend and all) rather than actually liking me.
and this "letter" is not meant as a hate letter or used to bash you. in fact, i know i still like you. however im not going to be that pathetic girl who write "I WANT YOU BACK" in fifteen different fonts across yher profile or has angsty icons or anything. you made your choice, we both have to live with it. but i jsut want you to know, that it's not going to be an overngiht change. i have liked you for over 9 months, thats not going to go away jsut because. and while now i know nothing will prolly ever happen again, you're still with me. im still going to be worried about you. i'm still going to look for yuor screen name when i sign on. im still going to look down the hallway for when you (used to) come to see me before practice.
the fact that you "still care about me". i really hate that phrase. that is something you tell someone so they wont hate you forever or maybe you really do jsut liek them alot as a friend. however the word "Still" i hate it. its as iff something is gone and will never be fixed. like breaking a pen in a certain place, it "still" works. but it will NEVER be ther same. im not going to hate you. oh trust me i want to hate you. i really do.
you were the first boy i EVER cried over. ever. in my entire life. that means something (and please if i hear "the one that is worth you tears will never make you cry" i'll throw up.). i think tis pathetic. i didnt want to cry over you. but i did. i hate crying over something i can't fix. i can't make you love me again. i can't make you do anything. so why cry? will it help? no. but i did anyway.
i hope you understand what this letter is trying to do. im not trying to make you feel bad (although it may seem that way). i just want you to know how i feel at this exact moment, and i want you to know what the.. (i dont want to say consequences because that seems so negative)effect to your actions were. i know you didnt want to hurt me. i knwo that. but you have to understand, it was going to hurt anyway. it always was going to. and i want you to know, i would have been by your side throguh this whole ordeal. i know you didnt want to stress me but thats what people do for the ones that they love. they worry. they are there for each other. i'm still here, but now im jsut a friend. i would have always been there to hold your hand. and i always will be.
but it will never be the same.
hugs and kisses one last time,
-aubrie
* * * * *
i always think things will be different. i always do. but i'm always wrong. whenever i give my complete "heart" over to someone, i always get like completely crushed. you guys thought i had trust issues before? it takes me a while to actually open up to someone. and now its gonna be even longer. why do i do this to myself????
Warning: tons of ansget and self pity so dont read if you were planning on not throwing up out of annoyance today.
To Whom It May Concern:
Well thanks a fucking lot. It really was the perfect way to end a shitty week. I just wish you would have told me oh i dunno maybe monday? i hate being lied to. it makes me feel like i am an idiot. and i know you will sit there and say "well i didnt lie to you i jsut wasnt sure how i felt." well how aobut telling me how you felt? that would have been better than avoiding me all freaking week making me feel liek i was the one who did something wrong to make you upset or soemthing.
and speaking of lying, it makes me sort of look back. i don't regret a single thing (well..excpt for tht one thing, you know what im talking aobut it doesnt bear repeating. everytime, it fuins thing. it always does, why coudldnt we have left it how it was?) that happened in the past 4 months, but knowing why make me feel like, was any of it real? or were you jsut pretending the whole time? i tried not to ley it affect me but sometimes i just got the feeling liek i was jsut the rebound girl afterbeing rejected. you know the whole lieking the "idea of me" (first girlfriend and all) rather than actually liking me.
and this "letter" is not meant as a hate letter or used to bash you. in fact, i know i still like you. however im not going to be that pathetic girl who write "I WANT YOU BACK" in fifteen different fonts across yher profile or has angsty icons or anything. you made your choice, we both have to live with it. but i jsut want you to know, that it's not going to be an overngiht change. i have liked you for over 9 months, thats not going to go away jsut because. and while now i know nothing will prolly ever happen again, you're still with me. im still going to be worried about you. i'm still going to look for yuor screen name when i sign on. im still going to look down the hallway for when you (used to) come to see me before practice.
the fact that you "still care about me". i really hate that phrase. that is something you tell someone so they wont hate you forever or maybe you really do jsut liek them alot as a friend. however the word "Still" i hate it. its as iff something is gone and will never be fixed. like breaking a pen in a certain place, it "still" works. but it will NEVER be ther same. im not going to hate you. oh trust me i want to hate you. i really do.
you were the first boy i EVER cried over. ever. in my entire life. that means something (and please if i hear "the one that is worth you tears will never make you cry" i'll throw up.). i think tis pathetic. i didnt want to cry over you. but i did. i hate crying over something i can't fix. i can't make you love me again. i can't make you do anything. so why cry? will it help? no. but i did anyway.
i hope you understand what this letter is trying to do. im not trying to make you feel bad (although it may seem that way). i just want you to know how i feel at this exact moment, and i want you to know what the.. (i dont want to say consequences because that seems so negative)effect to your actions were. i know you didnt want to hurt me. i knwo that. but you have to understand, it was going to hurt anyway. it always was going to. and i want you to know, i would have been by your side throguh this whole ordeal. i know you didnt want to stress me but thats what people do for the ones that they love. they worry. they are there for each other. i'm still here, but now im jsut a friend. i would have always been there to hold your hand. and i always will be.
but it will never be the same.
hugs and kisses one last time,
-aubrie
* * * * *
i always think things will be different. i always do. but i'm always wrong. whenever i give my complete "heart" over to someone, i always get like completely crushed. you guys thought i had trust issues before? it takes me a while to actually open up to someone. and now its gonna be even longer. why do i do this to myself????