How am I supposed to feel?
I am the kind of person who loves friends. I mean, ask those who know me and they'll tell you I don't fight with friends. I can be petty, but I try not to be. I'm more like the peacemaker, the in-between, the jolly guy slash Doctor Love if need be.
When a person becomes my friend, a part of my being just attaches to them. In a way, that's a living though profound testimony of them being a part of my life. I do not claim to be the immaculate image of a friend. I'm not perfect, but I try to be there when friends need me the most. I try to offer my advice, even when it could hurt them. I do my best even to the point of sacrificing my own comforts.
If by now you believe me, maybe you can understand the depth of the pain coursing in my body and squeezing at my heart.
2 days ago, I realized I've lost two friends.
I considered Doll to be a very good friend to the point that I've shared almost everything about me. But today, I realized that she isn't who I thought she was. I mean, when I met her, I thought, what a lucky guy I am to get to meet someone as nice as Doll. Heck, I would even be into her if I ain't queer. Not everyone are blessed with such good friends. Then, as we spent more and more time together, I found out that she was not as nice as I thought. But what the heck, I ain't nice either. Seriously, I just accepted her for who she is.
I do "accepting" a lot, which must be why I don't have much problems in life.
I thought, a little bit of understanding and a pinch more of patience will do. Apparently, I was wrong. At the time when pressure was really pushing, like a chameleon, she changed colors in a snap. Suddenly, I no longer had Doll. She was someone else, someone I didn't like...someone I couldn't just quickly accept.
For me, the special bond was a major loss. After all, if only you knew how much I treasured our friendship, you'd know I had been nothing but true from day one.
I'll miss you.
*Sniffles* I'm just about to cry here... Silly me, I know.
Neil is one of my childhood buddies. I mean, we almost grew up together, at least from adolescence. We bonded everytime we saw each other. We used to update each other on all the new stuff. We used to go out to watch movies or just hang out. Sometimes with the group, occasionally, just us. (Don't get me wrong though. It's purely friendship.) I loved him like a brother.
Suddenly, before everything could register in my reality, he was a different person. No longer was Neil a part of our inner circle. It's as if one day he realized he was tired of us and ditched us for greener pastures. I wanted to ask, After all these years, how could you do this? How could you simply wake up one day and walk out of our lives? But I never had the guts. Like I said, I accept quickly. So, despite the ache, I accepted what everyone said: Neil had outgrown us.
Of course it hurt and it's hurting still.
My wounds have almost healed. Even though he took a rather large chunk of me, I moved on. I tried not to think about it and in a way, I guess, I tried to forget.
Then came Wednesday. I was already feeling bad from last week because of an issue with Doll. I mean, the root of all the conflict was a damn request for a cover-up, but I realized, to a certain degree, I felt insulted because she did not respect me. She had not considered my feelings. She knew I was already annoyed when I just kept nodding and agreeing at everything she wanted, but she ignored me like I was just a pesky mosquito who would go away soon.
Back to Neil. For the longest time, I did not get more than a wave, a hello or a raise of the eyebrows when I met him around makati lotsa times. Sometimes, I even felt like he didn't want to be identified with me. It stung like hell. 2 days ago, when I saw him, I found out we both had the work break that day and nothing to do. I realized, it's the perfect time for catching up. Admittedly, I missed him.
To make the rather long story short, I had to go and tap him on the shoulder and ask him to accompany me. Then, we chatted a little about our sucky corporate lives. When he mentioned about having difficulty in doing a financial forecast, I offered my help. We went into my place and I tried editing his report. About an hour later and halfway through, I looked behind to ask him about a particular statement in his paper, and found him chit-chatting with someone else.
Tsk.
I waited for him to stop talking and then asked him about the statement. Right then and there, he told me he would just edit the report at home, stood up and went out with the person he was talking to.
To tell you the truth, I was offended. I mean, he knew I still had about an hour to go and no one to be with and yet, he just went right ahead and left me at the first sight of his new friends. I realized then that maybe our friendship would never be the same again. Maybe, a one-way input of effort would NEVER be enough. Maybe I was hoping for a lost cause.
And maybe he never knew, but was my BEST guy friend.
So now I'm sitting here, close to tears, sharing my life dramatizations with all of you when I should be preparing a presentation for 2 biotch clients, which are both scheduled tomorrow. I'm such a sappy ass.
I realized...I'm stupid for giving a piece of myself. I'm stupid for hoping too much. I'm stupid for putting my heart in the hands of people who do not know the value of the friendship I had offered.
I'm so stupid.
To Doll and Neil, for all it's worth, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I truly enjoyed it while it lasted.
When a person becomes my friend, a part of my being just attaches to them. In a way, that's a living though profound testimony of them being a part of my life. I do not claim to be the immaculate image of a friend. I'm not perfect, but I try to be there when friends need me the most. I try to offer my advice, even when it could hurt them. I do my best even to the point of sacrificing my own comforts.
If by now you believe me, maybe you can understand the depth of the pain coursing in my body and squeezing at my heart.
2 days ago, I realized I've lost two friends.
I considered Doll to be a very good friend to the point that I've shared almost everything about me. But today, I realized that she isn't who I thought she was. I mean, when I met her, I thought, what a lucky guy I am to get to meet someone as nice as Doll. Heck, I would even be into her if I ain't queer. Not everyone are blessed with such good friends. Then, as we spent more and more time together, I found out that she was not as nice as I thought. But what the heck, I ain't nice either. Seriously, I just accepted her for who she is.
I do "accepting" a lot, which must be why I don't have much problems in life.
I thought, a little bit of understanding and a pinch more of patience will do. Apparently, I was wrong. At the time when pressure was really pushing, like a chameleon, she changed colors in a snap. Suddenly, I no longer had Doll. She was someone else, someone I didn't like...someone I couldn't just quickly accept.
For me, the special bond was a major loss. After all, if only you knew how much I treasured our friendship, you'd know I had been nothing but true from day one.
I'll miss you.
*Sniffles* I'm just about to cry here... Silly me, I know.
Neil is one of my childhood buddies. I mean, we almost grew up together, at least from adolescence. We bonded everytime we saw each other. We used to update each other on all the new stuff. We used to go out to watch movies or just hang out. Sometimes with the group, occasionally, just us. (Don't get me wrong though. It's purely friendship.) I loved him like a brother.
Suddenly, before everything could register in my reality, he was a different person. No longer was Neil a part of our inner circle. It's as if one day he realized he was tired of us and ditched us for greener pastures. I wanted to ask, After all these years, how could you do this? How could you simply wake up one day and walk out of our lives? But I never had the guts. Like I said, I accept quickly. So, despite the ache, I accepted what everyone said: Neil had outgrown us.
Of course it hurt and it's hurting still.
My wounds have almost healed. Even though he took a rather large chunk of me, I moved on. I tried not to think about it and in a way, I guess, I tried to forget.
Then came Wednesday. I was already feeling bad from last week because of an issue with Doll. I mean, the root of all the conflict was a damn request for a cover-up, but I realized, to a certain degree, I felt insulted because she did not respect me. She had not considered my feelings. She knew I was already annoyed when I just kept nodding and agreeing at everything she wanted, but she ignored me like I was just a pesky mosquito who would go away soon.
Back to Neil. For the longest time, I did not get more than a wave, a hello or a raise of the eyebrows when I met him around makati lotsa times. Sometimes, I even felt like he didn't want to be identified with me. It stung like hell. 2 days ago, when I saw him, I found out we both had the work break that day and nothing to do. I realized, it's the perfect time for catching up. Admittedly, I missed him.
To make the rather long story short, I had to go and tap him on the shoulder and ask him to accompany me. Then, we chatted a little about our sucky corporate lives. When he mentioned about having difficulty in doing a financial forecast, I offered my help. We went into my place and I tried editing his report. About an hour later and halfway through, I looked behind to ask him about a particular statement in his paper, and found him chit-chatting with someone else.
Tsk.
I waited for him to stop talking and then asked him about the statement. Right then and there, he told me he would just edit the report at home, stood up and went out with the person he was talking to.
To tell you the truth, I was offended. I mean, he knew I still had about an hour to go and no one to be with and yet, he just went right ahead and left me at the first sight of his new friends. I realized then that maybe our friendship would never be the same again. Maybe, a one-way input of effort would NEVER be enough. Maybe I was hoping for a lost cause.
And maybe he never knew, but was my BEST guy friend.
So now I'm sitting here, close to tears, sharing my life dramatizations with all of you when I should be preparing a presentation for 2 biotch clients, which are both scheduled tomorrow. I'm such a sappy ass.
I realized...I'm stupid for giving a piece of myself. I'm stupid for hoping too much. I'm stupid for putting my heart in the hands of people who do not know the value of the friendship I had offered.
I'm so stupid.
To Doll and Neil, for all it's worth, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I truly enjoyed it while it lasted.