Lancing a Boil - I Am Unicorn
Kurt, what in God's name are you wearing? You look like the Hitler Youth. We start off the episode with Kurt primping in his locker before Brittany comes up to him and tells him she wants to tell him on his campaign because he's a unicorn. There's a somewhat confusing conversation about how horses become unicorns and then turn into zebras, but what Brittany means is that Kurt went through a lot last year and didn't lose himself, and she admires him for that,. Thus, she wants to bring in all the votes since she's popular and can't run herself because she doesn't think she's smart enough. Quick cut to her thinking the capital of Ohio is O. Kurt agrees and they make plans to meet after school. Title card!
Choir room. Will informs ND that because VA got second at Nationals, their booster club didn't raise as much money and so Dustin Goolsby has left the building! He intends to take advantage by intensifying his focus on Glee, and installs mandatory "Booty Camp" dance sessions for students he feels need the work: Finn (who already knew it), Puck, Kurt, and Mercedes, although we'll see more members in the next episode. Mercedes isn't happy about it, but Will points out that her idol, Beyoncé, has to spend hundreds of hours rehearsing her dancing. Additionally, since Will wants to focus on Glee, he won't be directing the musical; instead, Emma and Coach Beiste (YAY) will be co-directing, with Artie suggested as a student chair. Tina encourages Artie to go for it since he wants to direct and he agrees.
Teacher's lounge. Rachel's mom, Shelby, greets Will and explains that she's working part-time at the school-Sugar Motta's father hired someone to go find her in New York because she's the best show choir director EVAR and coerced Figgy into hiring her to direct a second show choir in McKinley to feature Sugar. And he's going to cover all the expenses. What does this guy do, exactly? Shelby promises not to poach his kids, but Will is concerned about what her presence is going to do to Rachel, Puck, and Quinn. She agrees that she made a lot of mistakes that she has to make up for, and Will welcomes her as more arts in the school.
Bathroom. The Skanks bully a girl into giving up her lunch money by drowning her in a toilet and threatening to stab her with a spoon. I am once again amazed by how clean that bathroom is. Sue boots out the other Skanks so she can talk to Quinn, who says Sue doesn't have any power over her anymore because she has nothing left to lose. Oh, Quinn. You're so pathetic. Presumably you still have a roof over your head and a support system, you just choose not to take advantage of the latter and instead make yourself into what you think represents the nadir of society and feel sorry for yourself. Instead of pointing this out, Sue plays it up, saying that it's all because of Glee and offering Quinn revenge in exchange for allowing them to record her as a victim of the arts. Quinn agrees as long as Sue puts couches under the bleachers, and Sue walks off with the lunch money.
Kurt's room, maybe? Brittany's campaign posters are aggressively pink and glittery, and she wants to give out grab bags of shinies that essentially stamp GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY all over Kurt. I can understand his point when she says that he doesn't want "homo" (his words, not mine) to be the only thing people define him as, though Brittany also has a point about the freaks of the school needing to know he's one of them. Kurt has his own posters, black and white of him wearing a tuxedo, and they… look very metrosexual, so I don't really see a problem either way.
Second choir room! Puck brings Quinn in before a meeting with the Skanks, so she can talk to Shelby. Shelby explains that while she was working in New York, she was constantly afraid of missing Beth's firsts like she did with Rachel, and she took the job in Lima so that Puck and Quinn could be part of Beth's life. She does have the condition that Quinn needs to clean up before meeting her, but Quinn balks, saying that Shelby isn't Beth's mother, no matter what some papers say, and she will never be Beth's mother.
Choir room! Time for the first boot camp, and while Mercedes tries to plead off by saying she's more the type to stand around and sing spectacularly while the others are her back-up dancers, Will says that they need to be more like VA-one big terrifying machine. To that end, Mike (who is the assistant) has everyone work on the basics, starting with the grapevine. While they work on the grapevine, Blaine and Kurt talk about auditioning for the musical. They find out they're both auditioning for Tony, but Blaine quickly backs down and decides to audition for Krupke or Bernardo since he's a junior and Kurt quickly agrees, falling back into the "jazz hands/shimmy" that Mike called him on earlier in the episode until Will reminds him.
Auditorium. Rachel is running through her scales when Shelby shows up. They briefly go over what happened in season one, with Rachel saying that even though Shelby is "only" her birth mother, what happened still nearly put her in therapy, before discussing Rachel's audition piece. Shelby suggests "Somewhere There's A Place For Us" which Rachel initially takes a plea before catching on. She tells Shelby she was going to do "I Feel Pretty" instead since it's easier and she's amazing at it, but Shelby explains that you have to take risks to get spots. They then proceed to sing a version of the song that's very… nice. And generic award bait. But the judges seem to think it's spectacular, so okay!
McKinley in general. Sue films Quinn messing with the supply… shed? And smoking behind the buildings, voicing over about how Quinn's life has gone into the shitter. Quinn credits it to the arts. After a misstep with smoking corn starch, Sue films Quinn going into Will's office and blaming him for her life turning out so terribly and says she's never going back to Glee … and then Will actually earns my love by stopping her from leaving and pointing out that he's not responsible for Quinn's downfall and how the Glee club supported her when no one else would. When she tries to backtalk, he bangs on the desk and shouts her down, saying that the only person who Quinn cares about is herself and she can go ahead and abandon the club, but tells her to grow up. Quinn storms out, Sue missed the whole thing because she accidentally had the lens covered, and Becky says that was hot. I agree.
…What the fuck.
Shelby's apartment. Someone knocks on the door and Shelby goes to let him in. It's Puck and he hurriedly lists off a bunch of things that he did to clean up as he enters the apartment so that Shelby will let him see Beth. She does, and Puck notes she looks like Quinn, though Shelby sees some of him in there too. He has a picture he drew for Beth of a "clown pig" that he puts up on the refrigerator, and he and Shelby just generally bond over Beth. I would think this was sweet, except that at the time of this writing, I've seen episode four already.
Auditorium. The judges set up at their table before they receive their first auditionee: Kurt, who is wearing some fingerless gloves and has brought in some kind of steel cage-type thing. Kurt explains that he's auditioning for Tony and going to use "I'm Gonna Be A Star" from Funny Girl. Beiste starts to raise an objection, but Kurt assures her that he's gotten written permission from Rachel to use a Barbra Streisand song. I rather think that her question was about using a song by a woman to audition for a very manly role, but Kurt certainly kills it, swinging around on the steel cage and showing that he's very physically able, and finishing the song off by taking up a pair of sais and twirling them around for some reason. My friend and I both thought that the cage would have been perfect for, say, "When You're A Jet," but oh well.
Girls' bathroom. Quinn is reapplying her make-up when Puck drops in and tells her he visited Beth and she's great. Quinn tells him they're not parent material, but Puck says they could be, if Quinn would clean up her act.
Emma's office. The three judges are debating on who to cast for roles. Beiste wants Rachel for Maria, but Emma thinks that Mercedes would be a good choice too, which Beiste agrees with, so they decide to keep them in mind. For Tony, while the judges like Kurt's performance, they don't think he can be a believable former gang member and see him as too "delicate." Unfortunately, Kurt happens to be eavesdropping at the time.
Hallways. Kurt finds that Brittany is putting up super-pink rainbow unicorn campaign posters and pretty much has a meltdown with the recent threat to his Tony-hood. He goes up to her and yells at her to stop putting up the posters and they aren't the ones that they agreed on, but she and Santana think they're less sell-out posters and better than the ones where the unicorn was riding him. Still in a full-on panic, he catches Rachel in the halls and pleads for help with his recent audition flub, which she eagerly agrees to. Kurt tells Brittany not to put up the posters and leaves. Left with the posters, Santana assures Brittany that she's just as special as Kurt.
Auditorium. The judges are confused why Rachel and Kurt are auditioning again, but Kurt explains that he wants to… well, prove he can be convincingly heterosexual, so he and Rachel are doing the scene from Romeo and Juliet where Romeo has to leave after his wedding night. Have I mentioned they're in period clothing? I'm not sure whether the acting is any good or not, though Kurt is using a notably lower voice than usual, but the judges slowly end up cracking up because everyone on this show is a jerk, and now Beiste is included. In the end, Kurt goes to kiss Rachel, but she ends up laughing too, though she quickly recovers and tells Kurt it's okay. It's too late, though, and Kurt hurries off, humiliated. Everyone left behind looks pretty ashamed.
Second choir room. Sugar Motta butchers scales and I want to murder her. Shelby tries to show her what she wants, but Sugar is convinced that she's the one that sounds good and then leaves. Quinn walks in, noting that Sugar Motta is hopeless, but Shelby (meaningfully, of course) notes that nobody is hopeless. They discuss Quinn's sudden change and Shelby attributes it to giving up Beth, though that seems a bit… self-centered regarding motives. Shelby tells Quinn that this isn't her, and neither was the pretty princess she was before, pointing out that Quinn is way too young to "be herself" at all. Quinn asks to see Beth, and then asks for at least a picture, which Shelby relents too. She tells Quinn that the real her is the Beth in the picture or something and that she needs to stop blaming herself for what she did in season 1 before leaving her alone to cry.
Hummel auto shop. Finn is working on a car and Rachel compliments him on how well he does things. The two of them talk about her auditioning for Maria and she suggests that he audition for Tony, but he defers, saying he doesn't have enough time between football, school, Glee, and work. This leads to her bringing up that she thinks he's talented enough for NYADA, and she's pretty clearly hoping for a future where the two of them are college sweethearts. Finn likes it at the garage, though. Meanwhile, Burt notices Kurt's hanging around and asks what he wants. Kurt deflects for a bit, but then explains that he's feeling inadequate because he feels he's only suitable for roles in plays about gay couples or drag. Burt very bluntly points out that Kurt is very camp, which upsets Kurt, who wants to play romantic leads and can't if he can't make a convincing heterosexual. Burt tells him that if there aren't plays that suit his style, then he needs to write his own, and that a unicorn without a horn is just a horse.
Auditorium. Time for Booty Camp, and Finn is up. The rest of the members hang out in the back and watch. Finn tries to follow along with Will and Mike, but he ends up falling on his ass with one of the spins and the others laugh. Finn is discouraged, but Will gives him a quick pep talk and he decides to try again-and this time he nails it. During their little celebration, Quinn shows up, back to her wholesome look, and asks if she can join in. After being welcomed into the group, she moves to Puck's side and explains that it's a ploy to get Beth back and she intends to get full custody.
Teacher's lounge. Will is stunned that Beiste seems to eat a whole chicken every time. Sue waltzes in and there's a brief exchange of fire between herself and Will about her advertizing campaign; Sue is actually happy about Quinn rejoining the Glee club because it means she can frame the story as Glee being like and addiction, and goes on about how the arts are bad and blah blah blah. The important thing is that Sue is now in first place with the votes, and she walks out again. Beiste tells Will they need to have the "Anti-Sue" campaign against her and Will looks like he has A Plan.
Hallways. Kurt is putting up his new, shiny unicorn rainbow posters when Brittany sees and he thanks her for all that she's done, because he has embraced his unicorn-ness. Brittany hugs him happily, but turns him down when he suggests they go to his house to work on his campaign because she's decided to run for president too, since she's realized she's also a unicorn. Kurt has this rather frozen look on his face.
Auditorium. Blaine auditions with "Something's Coming" and blows it out of the park, with Kurt watching from above. Artie notes that Blaine is auditioning for Bernardo or Krupke, then asks if he would be willing to read for Tony. An upset Kurt leaves before we hear the answer.