Bruised and battered
Basically how I feel.
Made it home from mom's in under six hours. Lived through yesterday. Ian was up at 4:14am. I let him get into bed with me where he proceeded to wiggle for 1/2 hour until I gave in and got up. We were done opening presents by 6. Just as well since we left for mom's house before 8am. Ian says he had a wonderful christmas. He loves his gameboy (tho I do believe I will regret it) and all of his other presents. he's looking forward to this week with his grandmom and pop-pop. We had a pretty quiet Christmas. We got to Phila by noon. Gruff and Uncle Dan were already at mom's house, Tim and his new fiance and his daughter were there. Alyssa didn't speak the entire time. Tim sat on the floor and opened all her presents for her and spoke for her the whole time. Laura didn't show up although she graciously allowed my great aunt to pick her up and bring her and the boys to my grandmother's house. Mom was livid and refused to stay at Nan-Nan's, we left before laura got there.
This wasn't as bad as it usually is. I just always come away feeling so alone, uncounted and unknown. I don't have many people in my life and if my own family has no idea who I am what hope do I have of anyone ever getting close enough to know me. My mom spends so much time lamenting that Laura didn't want to come and that Jenny was mean to her and that Tim had no time for her that it doesn't seem to matter that I traveled 4 hours with my 7 year old son on a Christmas morning when we'd both probably have been happier staying here. Well maybe not Ian, he knew he was getting more presents at Grandmom's. I don't know why I work so hard to make her happy when all that really matters are the things that other people didn't do. I don't want to here about how hard Tim work's when he can't be bothered to visit mom or how great Jen's bonus was when she never gives mom a penny to help out or that Laura had in-laws over when one reason I have no one in my life is because I have Ian. I want a hug and an acknowledgement of how hard everything is all the time. I want to be able to tell my mother that I'm sad and lonely without having to deal with a discussion of how it affects her. I want to be able to live my life as I want with out having my sisters angry at me all the time. I gave up the life I wanted to raise Laura's child. Yes I love Ian and he's my son and always will be but when I made the decision it was for her. and she hates me so much, feels I've ruined her life. I spent so much time and money and energy trying to give Jen a happy adolescence. I always intervened between her and mom. and she still feels I failed her and is so resentful.
There is just never a shoulder for me. Never some one to brush my hair back, never someone to tell me to go lie down while they take care of things. and I spend my evening with out Ian, bemoaning my life's inadequacies to my lj and crying because I don't have time to do this when he's here. It really is pathetic and ridiculous.
I have to stop caring so damn much and learn to be happy with what I have. I have a wonderful son, a good if difficult job, a roof over my head, clothes on my back that should be enough. I'm 34 years old, things aren't going to suddenly change for the better. This is going to be my New Year's resolution - to be happy with what I have and with what I have.
Made it home from mom's in under six hours. Lived through yesterday. Ian was up at 4:14am. I let him get into bed with me where he proceeded to wiggle for 1/2 hour until I gave in and got up. We were done opening presents by 6. Just as well since we left for mom's house before 8am. Ian says he had a wonderful christmas. He loves his gameboy (tho I do believe I will regret it) and all of his other presents. he's looking forward to this week with his grandmom and pop-pop. We had a pretty quiet Christmas. We got to Phila by noon. Gruff and Uncle Dan were already at mom's house, Tim and his new fiance and his daughter were there. Alyssa didn't speak the entire time. Tim sat on the floor and opened all her presents for her and spoke for her the whole time. Laura didn't show up although she graciously allowed my great aunt to pick her up and bring her and the boys to my grandmother's house. Mom was livid and refused to stay at Nan-Nan's, we left before laura got there.
This wasn't as bad as it usually is. I just always come away feeling so alone, uncounted and unknown. I don't have many people in my life and if my own family has no idea who I am what hope do I have of anyone ever getting close enough to know me. My mom spends so much time lamenting that Laura didn't want to come and that Jenny was mean to her and that Tim had no time for her that it doesn't seem to matter that I traveled 4 hours with my 7 year old son on a Christmas morning when we'd both probably have been happier staying here. Well maybe not Ian, he knew he was getting more presents at Grandmom's. I don't know why I work so hard to make her happy when all that really matters are the things that other people didn't do. I don't want to here about how hard Tim work's when he can't be bothered to visit mom or how great Jen's bonus was when she never gives mom a penny to help out or that Laura had in-laws over when one reason I have no one in my life is because I have Ian. I want a hug and an acknowledgement of how hard everything is all the time. I want to be able to tell my mother that I'm sad and lonely without having to deal with a discussion of how it affects her. I want to be able to live my life as I want with out having my sisters angry at me all the time. I gave up the life I wanted to raise Laura's child. Yes I love Ian and he's my son and always will be but when I made the decision it was for her. and she hates me so much, feels I've ruined her life. I spent so much time and money and energy trying to give Jen a happy adolescence. I always intervened between her and mom. and she still feels I failed her and is so resentful.
There is just never a shoulder for me. Never some one to brush my hair back, never someone to tell me to go lie down while they take care of things. and I spend my evening with out Ian, bemoaning my life's inadequacies to my lj and crying because I don't have time to do this when he's here. It really is pathetic and ridiculous.
I have to stop caring so damn much and learn to be happy with what I have. I have a wonderful son, a good if difficult job, a roof over my head, clothes on my back that should be enough. I'm 34 years old, things aren't going to suddenly change for the better. This is going to be my New Year's resolution - to be happy with what I have and with what I have.