I am ridiculous
I don't know why I can't say what I want, what I feel, what I need
I'm tired, I'm soul deep lonely and I'm sad. I feel ineffectual and un-neccessary. I intellectually realize that it isn't true but that doesn't change the fact that I feel that way. I don't know why I feel lonelier than I did in NY. Heather & Sunshine were both already gone and busy with their own life. Heather only calls when she needs to vent. She asks if everything's ok here but she doesn't really have the time or interest in the true answer. I feel completely boxed up, like there's no one to express myself too. I love Ty but I can't go to him when I'm feeling sad that he once again turned out the light and rolled over with out even pulling me near for a cuddle. Or tell him that I'm jealous that Ian doesn't need me like he used to or complain that I feel like I don't get much say in the decisions he makes.
I know Ian's growing up and I am thrilled that he and Ty get alond as well as they do but I feel invisible, as if someone turned my sound card off when I ask them to not wrestle or to be calm and they don't even acknowledge it except to tease me about being angry.
I go to work everyday knowing that there isn't a single person to have a real conversation with. I spend 9 hours alone except to exchange information about work. I miss banter and jokes and someone to have lunch with.
I hate driving, mostly because I'm so bad at it but it limits where I can go and what I can do on my own. Not that I want to be on my own. I am away from the house and Ian and Ty for so long every day and on Saturday morning when we could be together Ian's playing video games in his room, Ty's reading in bed and here I sit, alone.
I can't say any of this to Ty because all he hears is that I'm unhappy being here which isn't true. I am unhappy with some pieces and could use some help figuring out how to make it better. I need a girlfriend that I can sit and talk with and have a few drinks and just be silly. I like mary alot but I feel like I have to edit myself because she's Ty's friend and because she has a certain idea of who I am. I can't imagine how I will make a friend out here, I suck at it when I'm surrounded by people but I feel more than a little isolated out here.
I know some of this is PMS and some of it is loneliness and it's just not real but it feels real and it hurts now and I react badly to it and that just makes it worse. Every night when Ty comes to bed and reads or stays out in the living room because he's not ready for bed feels like a new, fresh rejection. and I just don't know what to do, do I pretend it doesn't matter and go to sleep, do I try to show him, I can't talk about it, I'm afraid of hurting his feelings. So instead I walk around with a huge raw bruise and everything he does seems to poke at it. it's not his fault that he hasn't addressed something that I've never told him is a problem. I had no idea I was so god damned passive agressive. I don't know how to get out of this cycle, I have to stop because it just upsets him.
I love being with Ty, I love coming home to him at the end of a hard day, I love knowing he's beside me in bed. I am so greedy that I want something more and yet so stupid that I couldn't tell you what that something is. I know I didn't expect the "in love" part of love to be over so soon but I can't be that shallow can I? I have love and caring and devotion do I really need that much romance? Am I after all that kind of woman?
I really feel like if I could just have a good bitch session now and then, a frozen pizza and some Buffy with a friend who knows me and will nod her head and agree and then tell me when I'm being silly I'd be ok but instead it just keeps building up. I'm such a ridiculous person. I have to do better at this, I have to be more present and true and less passive agressive. I have to, Ty is going to get sick of my moping and quietness and I couldn't stand if he got tired of me.
I'm tired, I'm soul deep lonely and I'm sad. I feel ineffectual and un-neccessary. I intellectually realize that it isn't true but that doesn't change the fact that I feel that way. I don't know why I feel lonelier than I did in NY. Heather & Sunshine were both already gone and busy with their own life. Heather only calls when she needs to vent. She asks if everything's ok here but she doesn't really have the time or interest in the true answer. I feel completely boxed up, like there's no one to express myself too. I love Ty but I can't go to him when I'm feeling sad that he once again turned out the light and rolled over with out even pulling me near for a cuddle. Or tell him that I'm jealous that Ian doesn't need me like he used to or complain that I feel like I don't get much say in the decisions he makes.
I know Ian's growing up and I am thrilled that he and Ty get alond as well as they do but I feel invisible, as if someone turned my sound card off when I ask them to not wrestle or to be calm and they don't even acknowledge it except to tease me about being angry.
I go to work everyday knowing that there isn't a single person to have a real conversation with. I spend 9 hours alone except to exchange information about work. I miss banter and jokes and someone to have lunch with.
I hate driving, mostly because I'm so bad at it but it limits where I can go and what I can do on my own. Not that I want to be on my own. I am away from the house and Ian and Ty for so long every day and on Saturday morning when we could be together Ian's playing video games in his room, Ty's reading in bed and here I sit, alone.
I can't say any of this to Ty because all he hears is that I'm unhappy being here which isn't true. I am unhappy with some pieces and could use some help figuring out how to make it better. I need a girlfriend that I can sit and talk with and have a few drinks and just be silly. I like mary alot but I feel like I have to edit myself because she's Ty's friend and because she has a certain idea of who I am. I can't imagine how I will make a friend out here, I suck at it when I'm surrounded by people but I feel more than a little isolated out here.
I know some of this is PMS and some of it is loneliness and it's just not real but it feels real and it hurts now and I react badly to it and that just makes it worse. Every night when Ty comes to bed and reads or stays out in the living room because he's not ready for bed feels like a new, fresh rejection. and I just don't know what to do, do I pretend it doesn't matter and go to sleep, do I try to show him, I can't talk about it, I'm afraid of hurting his feelings. So instead I walk around with a huge raw bruise and everything he does seems to poke at it. it's not his fault that he hasn't addressed something that I've never told him is a problem. I had no idea I was so god damned passive agressive. I don't know how to get out of this cycle, I have to stop because it just upsets him.
I love being with Ty, I love coming home to him at the end of a hard day, I love knowing he's beside me in bed. I am so greedy that I want something more and yet so stupid that I couldn't tell you what that something is. I know I didn't expect the "in love" part of love to be over so soon but I can't be that shallow can I? I have love and caring and devotion do I really need that much romance? Am I after all that kind of woman?
I really feel like if I could just have a good bitch session now and then, a frozen pizza and some Buffy with a friend who knows me and will nod her head and agree and then tell me when I'm being silly I'd be ok but instead it just keeps building up. I'm such a ridiculous person. I have to do better at this, I have to be more present and true and less passive agressive. I have to, Ty is going to get sick of my moping and quietness and I couldn't stand if he got tired of me.