Life
Every once in a while, life will slow for a minute and I will realize it's been a week, a month, a year since I spent any time thinking about how I'm living instead of just getting through the day.
I'm not wallowing in some blue miasma of depression, I'm just amazed at the way time marches on so inexorably. It's been a year since I've moved out here and with little reflection life has just moved on one step in front of the other. I get up every day and go to work, do my chores, kiss my husband and child, fall asleep on the couch and the next day starts over. I forget to savor life. If anything, that is my resolution. I have to remember that moments are fleeting and must be enjoyed. I am a married woman of 37, my son is 10 almost 11 and yet the moments I can look back on and "there I was happy, that moment was special, lovely, good" are few. Not that I haven't had good moments, I remember being surreally happy on my wedding day, I think of all the milestones Ian has hit and I know I've been proud and happy but I don't have those memories saved, filed away for later reflection, and enjoyment.
This is getting rambly and confused and I'm not sure what I want to say. I feel, insufficient, almost transparent as if my passage through life doesn't actually have a physical affect. Does a life un-reflected upon, un-examined, un-analyzed matter? For so much of my life it's been so important to just move forward, get up and go on that I've left so much behind. I feel like I've had to shed pieces of life like an outworn skin just to keep going. On the other hand, for years I felt like I wasn't going anywhere, all this furious action was just to stay in one place, at a certain level, head above water.
I guess, I don't want to keep losing things. I want to keep my memories and experiences, I don't want to lose friends and family, I don't want to be standing on the outside watching my life just happen and not living it.
I guess I don't really know what I want. I have this vague discontent, and a real fear that I'm going to wake up at 50 and not know how I got there. How the fuck did I become 37? I'm so old, I feel like the best parts of me are gone and I want to offer these things, my enthusiasm, my joy, my optimism and a certain lightness of being. I don't have these anymore, I don't remember spending them, using them up but they're gone. I frustrate both my husband and my son, I'm no fun, always bringing them down. I want to light, easy, joyful. How at my age do I find these again? Hopeful - how do I become hopeful? I don't remember ever being hopeful, I remember working hard to get what I want, knowing that not only does hope not work but it can make things worse. But I want to be that person, that sees possibility. I want to wake up, even on the days where I have to drive 4 hours, and find joy in kissing my sleepy husband good by, or accomplishing a task at work. And I want to come home and think about my day and know that I lived that day instead of it just being a gray blur that passes by to be replaced by another gray blur.
I'm not really unhappy, not like this rambling writing this makes me sound. I'm reaching, and I'm scared. I barely know my sisters, I know my brother not at all. I have left behind or been left behind by any number of friends. I love my parents but as much as my mom thinks she misses me, what she is really missing is the daughterly things I do, listening helping when I can. I am cipher and only seem able to reflect what other people want from me rather than to shine through as me. I don't want to be a place marker, I want to be afull person. I am desperately afraid I will lose Ty and Ian in the same way that I seem to lose everyone else, it's a passive thing and I don't know how to overcome it.
bleh, I'm not making sense. Would I have a different life if I'd been able to be, to live to be open and me? Would I have memories of parties with friends, and past relationships that I could remember fondly, family vacations, school reunions. I have none of these and I'm old, there's no way to go back and get a life. I want to make this life matter, I want to be a good wife and mother but I feel myself slipping into the same roles, the same actions, being ( or trying to at least) what Ty wants, what Ian needs but not making any impression because I'm not there. Somehow I've gotten lucky enough to find love at this late date, the irony would be to lose it because I'm working too hard to keep it.
I don't know what the answer is, I'm not sure how to fix this after all this time. What I wouldn't give to be 22 knowing what I do now. I know everyone thinks that.
I guess I just have the Sunday morning blues, maybe I need a nap
I guess that will be a goal this year. To make my life matter, not in some cosmic save the planet kind of way but in small ways. I want to exist, I
I'm not wallowing in some blue miasma of depression, I'm just amazed at the way time marches on so inexorably. It's been a year since I've moved out here and with little reflection life has just moved on one step in front of the other. I get up every day and go to work, do my chores, kiss my husband and child, fall asleep on the couch and the next day starts over. I forget to savor life. If anything, that is my resolution. I have to remember that moments are fleeting and must be enjoyed. I am a married woman of 37, my son is 10 almost 11 and yet the moments I can look back on and "there I was happy, that moment was special, lovely, good" are few. Not that I haven't had good moments, I remember being surreally happy on my wedding day, I think of all the milestones Ian has hit and I know I've been proud and happy but I don't have those memories saved, filed away for later reflection, and enjoyment.
This is getting rambly and confused and I'm not sure what I want to say. I feel, insufficient, almost transparent as if my passage through life doesn't actually have a physical affect. Does a life un-reflected upon, un-examined, un-analyzed matter? For so much of my life it's been so important to just move forward, get up and go on that I've left so much behind. I feel like I've had to shed pieces of life like an outworn skin just to keep going. On the other hand, for years I felt like I wasn't going anywhere, all this furious action was just to stay in one place, at a certain level, head above water.
I guess, I don't want to keep losing things. I want to keep my memories and experiences, I don't want to lose friends and family, I don't want to be standing on the outside watching my life just happen and not living it.
I guess I don't really know what I want. I have this vague discontent, and a real fear that I'm going to wake up at 50 and not know how I got there. How the fuck did I become 37? I'm so old, I feel like the best parts of me are gone and I want to offer these things, my enthusiasm, my joy, my optimism and a certain lightness of being. I don't have these anymore, I don't remember spending them, using them up but they're gone. I frustrate both my husband and my son, I'm no fun, always bringing them down. I want to light, easy, joyful. How at my age do I find these again? Hopeful - how do I become hopeful? I don't remember ever being hopeful, I remember working hard to get what I want, knowing that not only does hope not work but it can make things worse. But I want to be that person, that sees possibility. I want to wake up, even on the days where I have to drive 4 hours, and find joy in kissing my sleepy husband good by, or accomplishing a task at work. And I want to come home and think about my day and know that I lived that day instead of it just being a gray blur that passes by to be replaced by another gray blur.
I'm not really unhappy, not like this rambling writing this makes me sound. I'm reaching, and I'm scared. I barely know my sisters, I know my brother not at all. I have left behind or been left behind by any number of friends. I love my parents but as much as my mom thinks she misses me, what she is really missing is the daughterly things I do, listening helping when I can. I am cipher and only seem able to reflect what other people want from me rather than to shine through as me. I don't want to be a place marker, I want to be afull person. I am desperately afraid I will lose Ty and Ian in the same way that I seem to lose everyone else, it's a passive thing and I don't know how to overcome it.
bleh, I'm not making sense. Would I have a different life if I'd been able to be, to live to be open and me? Would I have memories of parties with friends, and past relationships that I could remember fondly, family vacations, school reunions. I have none of these and I'm old, there's no way to go back and get a life. I want to make this life matter, I want to be a good wife and mother but I feel myself slipping into the same roles, the same actions, being ( or trying to at least) what Ty wants, what Ian needs but not making any impression because I'm not there. Somehow I've gotten lucky enough to find love at this late date, the irony would be to lose it because I'm working too hard to keep it.
I don't know what the answer is, I'm not sure how to fix this after all this time. What I wouldn't give to be 22 knowing what I do now. I know everyone thinks that.
I guess I just have the Sunday morning blues, maybe I need a nap
I guess that will be a goal this year. To make my life matter, not in some cosmic save the planet kind of way but in small ways. I want to exist, I