Fic: Buffybot's Great Adventure (1/1)
Title: Buffybot's Great Adventure
Characters: Buffybot, Harmony
Rating: PG-13
Chapter Word Count: 1,447
Beta: Unbetaed
Summary: When Willow sends the Buffybot on a slaying mission, you know things aren't going to turn out well...
Notes: Written for a crossover fic contest on a Buffy forum, this is just a bit of fun. 'Crossover' in the loosest sense: Buffybot goes to Los Angeles and meets up with Harmony. This is unbetaed and was written very quickly, so any mistakes are my own.
Buffybot’s Great Adventure
“Los Angeles,” I say out loud as the bus speeds along the highway. I scan my databases for information. Population: 4 million. Founded on September 4th, 1781. Home to the giant poofter.
I think Spike added that last part in.
Spike. I can’t stop the bright smile from forming when I think of him. Willow tried to remove the programming, but the files are buried deep.
Should I locate one now? Willow told me I had to stay focused on my mission. I don’t think it’ll matter if I think about Spike now. I’m still on the bus.
MAKE_SPIKEHAPPY
>>KISSING_01
>>KISSING_02
>>POSITIONS_01
LOAD.
I like this program.
001_MISSIONARY.BBT
>>MISSIONARY.JPG
>>>MOAN.WAV
>>>>OH_SPIKE.WAV
002_SIXTYNINE.BBT
>>SIXTYNINE.JPG
>>>MMMF.WAV
>>>>SO_BIG.WAV
The man on the other side of the bus is looking at me funny. Perhaps I shouldn’t have replayed my memory recordings of that time in Spike’s crypt. I think I might have played the sound file out loud.
I smile brightly at him. “Are we in Los Angeles yet?”
He frowns and turns away, and my smile drops. I don’t understand people sometimes.
I stare out the window of the bus and watch the countryside roll by. I think that maybe I should replay my mission objectives file, so I know exactly what to do when we get to Los Angeles.
I close my eyes and let the important information filter into my active memory.
FIND EVIL BLONDE VAMPIRE.
SLAY EVIL BLONDE VAMPIRE.
DON’T GO LOOKING FOR BROOD BOY ANGEL.
STAY FOCUSED.
KEEP UP THE PRETENCE. YOU’RE HUMAN. BUFFY. NOT A ROBOT.
I don’t think that last one will be difficult. I know exactly how to act like Buffy.
“Vampires of the world beware!”
The man looks at me again and mutters something under his breath. I set my auditory systems to maximum so I can hear him properly.
“Freakin’ weirdo,” he says.
I frown. That’s not very nice.
The bus comes to a stop soon after and the driver calls out, “Los Angeles. Everybody off.”
We’re here! Time to slay that evil blonde bimbo!
***
I turn on my internal GPS system and load the co-ordinates Willow gave me. She said that the evil blonde vampire had often been spotted downtown in a seedy bar.
Then Spike said that he didn’t expect anything less.
Downtown.
I know a song about downtown. I don’t know how it got into my programming, because it’s not a punk song, the kind Spike likes. I hum it now, as I walk.
When you’re alone
And life is making you lonely,
You can always go downtown
Maybe the blonde vampire is alone and lonely, and that’s why she’s gone downtown.
I get lonely, sometimes. My friends don’t really like me. They wish they had the real Buffy back. I wish we had the real Buffy back, too. I think we’d be good friends. Like sisters, maybe.
Buffy has a sister. Her name is Dawn, and sometimes when I’m recharging, she comes and sleeps with me.
Not in the sexy way, because that would be weird.
But she’ll lie down on my bed and stroke my hair and tell me about her day. I don’t think she knows I can hear her, but I never shut down completely, even when I’m recharging. I always have to be alert to slay the vampires.
I’m alert now, scanning every inch of the sidewalk in front of me. There are no vampires here, though. Just a couple of smelly human beings lying on the floor. I switch off my olfactory sensors but not before I identify the scents as stale body odour and alcohol. Yuck!
My GPS beeps and I realise I’m getting close to the seedy bar. I look up and there it is. There’s a bright flashing sign on the outside that says, ‘Chico’s’.
I go in, and I’m glad I turned my olfactory sensors off because this place looks really dirty. There’s broken glass on the floor and cigarette butts everywhere. I wonder if I should run my housekeeping program?
No. Willow said I had to stay focused and that means finding and slaying the evil blonde vampire.
“Hello!” I say to the man behind the bar, giving him my biggest and brightest smile. “I hope this is the seedy dive I’m looking for. I need to find a blonde woman. An evil bimbo. Have you seen her?”
The man glares at me. “Don’t think this is your kind of place, Princess,” he says. “Run along.”
“You’re not being very helpful,” I scold.
I need to find the evil vampire! I don’t want to fail this mission. Not when Willow’s trusting me to get it right.
I look around. There’s a corridor next to the bar with a sign above it that says, ‘Back Room’. I can hear people talking, and I turn my auditory system to maximum again.
“So then I was like, oh my gosh, I wouldn’t be seen dead in that outfit! And I am dead. Get it?”
I run the voice through my databases and come up with a match. Bingo! The evil blonde vampire.
I smile at the barman again and pull my stake from my pocket. “Thank you for your help,” I say, even though he wasn’t very helpful at all. It’s always right to be polite. Willow taught me that.
“Hello Harmony,” I say, when I go into the back room. “Your time is up. I’m here to slay you.”
“Ohmigod! Buffy! How are you?” She backs away from me a little bit, but keeps smiling.
She doesn’t look evil. Her hair is shiny and her skirt is very pretty.
I don’t know much about Harmony. Before Willow programmed this mission into my hard drive, the file I had on her only told me three things.
HARMONY
>VAMPIRE (1999-PRESENT)
>BRAINLESS
>DATED SPIKE
I don’t understand how she functions without a brain. And Spike’s mine; no one else is allowed to date him.
I smile at her. “I’m very well, thank you Harmony.” It’s always right to be polite. “How are you tonight?”
“Umm…” She glances at the other person in the room. It’s a man, and he’s tied to a chair. He has no shirt on, and his chest is very nice. But not as nice as Spike’s.
“Are you drinking from this man?” I say. I put my hands on my hips and pout. I learned this from Dawn. It means I’m annoyed.
“Nope!” She circles away from me, and I think she’s trying to get to the door.
“But he has two holes in his neck and you have blood around your mouth. Spike was right. You have no brain.”
“Hey!” She frowns. “Wait a minute. I heard you were dead. Are you a vampire now?”
“Nope! But Buffy is dead. I’m Buffybot! I have to kill you now.”
“You’re a robot? Oh my god, how lame is that? Buffy finally died and Willow built a Barbie Bot to replace her?”
“Willow didn’t build me, Warren did,” I tell her.
An error alert appears next to one of the file commands I put in my active memory.
*FATAL ERROR* >> KEEP UP THE PRETENCE. YOU’RE HUMAN. BUFFY. NOT A ROBOT. << *FATAL ERROR*
My GUILT.BBT file runs automatically. I counter it by manually running the ACT_INNOCENT.BBT file, and then load a program to erase the last three minutes of my back up memory so Willow will never find out.
My systems shut down temporarily and everything goes black. When they reload, I look up and frown. Where am I? I remember walking down an alleyway. I turned off my olfactory sensors due to the stale body odour and alcohol scents. But I can’t remember anything else. I scan my active memory and realise that the last thirty minutes of my back up memory have been erased. Well, I must have had a reason for doing that.
I see a man tied to a chair. He’s groaning and has blood on his neck.
“Excuse me,” I say. “Where am I?”
The man groans once more but doesn’t answer me. I scan my memory dump again but find nothing to explain how I got here.
I shrug and leave the room. Maybe I fought the evil blonde vampire and in the process some of my files got damaged.
Running this scenario through my probability generator gives me a positive result and I smile. That must have been what happened.
My internal clock tells me that it’s almost two a.m. The next bus is at three.
I slayed the evil bimbo vampire! Willow will be so proud of me. And maybe Spike will let me see him naked.
Mission accomplished!
-END-
Characters: Buffybot, Harmony
Rating: PG-13
Chapter Word Count: 1,447
Beta: Unbetaed
Summary: When Willow sends the Buffybot on a slaying mission, you know things aren't going to turn out well...
Notes: Written for a crossover fic contest on a Buffy forum, this is just a bit of fun. 'Crossover' in the loosest sense: Buffybot goes to Los Angeles and meets up with Harmony. This is unbetaed and was written very quickly, so any mistakes are my own.
Buffybot’s Great Adventure
“Los Angeles,” I say out loud as the bus speeds along the highway. I scan my databases for information. Population: 4 million. Founded on September 4th, 1781. Home to the giant poofter.
I think Spike added that last part in.
Spike. I can’t stop the bright smile from forming when I think of him. Willow tried to remove the programming, but the files are buried deep.
Should I locate one now? Willow told me I had to stay focused on my mission. I don’t think it’ll matter if I think about Spike now. I’m still on the bus.
MAKE_SPIKEHAPPY
>>KISSING_01
>>KISSING_02
>>POSITIONS_01
LOAD.
I like this program.
001_MISSIONARY.BBT
>>MISSIONARY.JPG
>>>MOAN.WAV
>>>>OH_SPIKE.WAV
002_SIXTYNINE.BBT
>>SIXTYNINE.JPG
>>>MMMF.WAV
>>>>SO_BIG.WAV
The man on the other side of the bus is looking at me funny. Perhaps I shouldn’t have replayed my memory recordings of that time in Spike’s crypt. I think I might have played the sound file out loud.
I smile brightly at him. “Are we in Los Angeles yet?”
He frowns and turns away, and my smile drops. I don’t understand people sometimes.
I stare out the window of the bus and watch the countryside roll by. I think that maybe I should replay my mission objectives file, so I know exactly what to do when we get to Los Angeles.
I close my eyes and let the important information filter into my active memory.
FIND EVIL BLONDE VAMPIRE.
SLAY EVIL BLONDE VAMPIRE.
DON’T GO LOOKING FOR BROOD BOY ANGEL.
STAY FOCUSED.
KEEP UP THE PRETENCE. YOU’RE HUMAN. BUFFY. NOT A ROBOT.
I don’t think that last one will be difficult. I know exactly how to act like Buffy.
“Vampires of the world beware!”
The man looks at me again and mutters something under his breath. I set my auditory systems to maximum so I can hear him properly.
“Freakin’ weirdo,” he says.
I frown. That’s not very nice.
The bus comes to a stop soon after and the driver calls out, “Los Angeles. Everybody off.”
We’re here! Time to slay that evil blonde bimbo!
***
I turn on my internal GPS system and load the co-ordinates Willow gave me. She said that the evil blonde vampire had often been spotted downtown in a seedy bar.
Then Spike said that he didn’t expect anything less.
Downtown.
I know a song about downtown. I don’t know how it got into my programming, because it’s not a punk song, the kind Spike likes. I hum it now, as I walk.
When you’re alone
And life is making you lonely,
You can always go downtown
Maybe the blonde vampire is alone and lonely, and that’s why she’s gone downtown.
I get lonely, sometimes. My friends don’t really like me. They wish they had the real Buffy back. I wish we had the real Buffy back, too. I think we’d be good friends. Like sisters, maybe.
Buffy has a sister. Her name is Dawn, and sometimes when I’m recharging, she comes and sleeps with me.
Not in the sexy way, because that would be weird.
But she’ll lie down on my bed and stroke my hair and tell me about her day. I don’t think she knows I can hear her, but I never shut down completely, even when I’m recharging. I always have to be alert to slay the vampires.
I’m alert now, scanning every inch of the sidewalk in front of me. There are no vampires here, though. Just a couple of smelly human beings lying on the floor. I switch off my olfactory sensors but not before I identify the scents as stale body odour and alcohol. Yuck!
My GPS beeps and I realise I’m getting close to the seedy bar. I look up and there it is. There’s a bright flashing sign on the outside that says, ‘Chico’s’.
I go in, and I’m glad I turned my olfactory sensors off because this place looks really dirty. There’s broken glass on the floor and cigarette butts everywhere. I wonder if I should run my housekeeping program?
No. Willow said I had to stay focused and that means finding and slaying the evil blonde vampire.
“Hello!” I say to the man behind the bar, giving him my biggest and brightest smile. “I hope this is the seedy dive I’m looking for. I need to find a blonde woman. An evil bimbo. Have you seen her?”
The man glares at me. “Don’t think this is your kind of place, Princess,” he says. “Run along.”
“You’re not being very helpful,” I scold.
I need to find the evil vampire! I don’t want to fail this mission. Not when Willow’s trusting me to get it right.
I look around. There’s a corridor next to the bar with a sign above it that says, ‘Back Room’. I can hear people talking, and I turn my auditory system to maximum again.
“So then I was like, oh my gosh, I wouldn’t be seen dead in that outfit! And I am dead. Get it?”
I run the voice through my databases and come up with a match. Bingo! The evil blonde vampire.
I smile at the barman again and pull my stake from my pocket. “Thank you for your help,” I say, even though he wasn’t very helpful at all. It’s always right to be polite. Willow taught me that.
“Hello Harmony,” I say, when I go into the back room. “Your time is up. I’m here to slay you.”
“Ohmigod! Buffy! How are you?” She backs away from me a little bit, but keeps smiling.
She doesn’t look evil. Her hair is shiny and her skirt is very pretty.
I don’t know much about Harmony. Before Willow programmed this mission into my hard drive, the file I had on her only told me three things.
HARMONY
>VAMPIRE (1999-PRESENT)
>BRAINLESS
>DATED SPIKE
I don’t understand how she functions without a brain. And Spike’s mine; no one else is allowed to date him.
I smile at her. “I’m very well, thank you Harmony.” It’s always right to be polite. “How are you tonight?”
“Umm…” She glances at the other person in the room. It’s a man, and he’s tied to a chair. He has no shirt on, and his chest is very nice. But not as nice as Spike’s.
“Are you drinking from this man?” I say. I put my hands on my hips and pout. I learned this from Dawn. It means I’m annoyed.
“Nope!” She circles away from me, and I think she’s trying to get to the door.
“But he has two holes in his neck and you have blood around your mouth. Spike was right. You have no brain.”
“Hey!” She frowns. “Wait a minute. I heard you were dead. Are you a vampire now?”
“Nope! But Buffy is dead. I’m Buffybot! I have to kill you now.”
“You’re a robot? Oh my god, how lame is that? Buffy finally died and Willow built a Barbie Bot to replace her?”
“Willow didn’t build me, Warren did,” I tell her.
An error alert appears next to one of the file commands I put in my active memory.
*FATAL ERROR* >> KEEP UP THE PRETENCE. YOU’RE HUMAN. BUFFY. NOT A ROBOT. << *FATAL ERROR*
My GUILT.BBT file runs automatically. I counter it by manually running the ACT_INNOCENT.BBT file, and then load a program to erase the last three minutes of my back up memory so Willow will never find out.
My systems shut down temporarily and everything goes black. When they reload, I look up and frown. Where am I? I remember walking down an alleyway. I turned off my olfactory sensors due to the stale body odour and alcohol scents. But I can’t remember anything else. I scan my active memory and realise that the last thirty minutes of my back up memory have been erased. Well, I must have had a reason for doing that.
I see a man tied to a chair. He’s groaning and has blood on his neck.
“Excuse me,” I say. “Where am I?”
The man groans once more but doesn’t answer me. I scan my memory dump again but find nothing to explain how I got here.
I shrug and leave the room. Maybe I fought the evil blonde vampire and in the process some of my files got damaged.
Running this scenario through my probability generator gives me a positive result and I smile. That must have been what happened.
My internal clock tells me that it’s almost two a.m. The next bus is at three.
I slayed the evil bimbo vampire! Willow will be so proud of me. And maybe Spike will let me see him naked.
Mission accomplished!
-END-