Defining Gravity - Abby/Raven (The 100) - Part 2: Chapter 5 (of 7)
Title: Defining Gravity
Fandom: The 100
Pairing: Abby/Raven (tiny bit of Raven/Wick in context..)
Spoilers: Up until the end of Season 2
Rating: M
Disclaimer: The bits from the show are not mine. The *feelings* and extra bits are...
Chapters 1 , 2, 3 & 4
Chapter Five: Distance
Raven looked up as the clacking from the hallway became more pronounced, knowing it could only be either Harper or Abby. She turned back to her work as the sound approached, trying to look busy in case it was Abby, the possibility of Abby's presence making her heart hammer in her chest.
The last time she spoke to Abby was the night of their sunset walk. Kane had met them at the gate, worried about Abby's extended absence, and Raven offered a terse good night as she left Abby with Kane and made her way to her bunk. She could feel Abby's eyes on her as she walked away but she did not turn back.
The memory left a bitter taste in her mouth and fizzled in the pit of her stomach like acid - self-annoyance mixed with guilt, anger, and the ever-present confusion over where exactly she stood with Abby.
Since then she had thrown herself into the overhaul of the solar panel wiring. She told herself that it was the importance of the work that made her subsume her waking hours in small compartments and wiring ducts but she knew it was a distraction and, to some extent, a hiding place where Abby could not happen by without purposefully seeking Raven out.
Yet, if that sound was Abby, then she had purposefully sought her out.
She looked up at clanging that functioned as a knock, unsurprised to see Abby looking over at her but doing so with a caution she was not used to seeing on the Chancellor's face.
"I know you're busy with the refit but could you re-solder this for me?" she asked politely, indicating part of her left crutch that had come loose.
Raven hated the penitent tenor to Abby's voice, her own guilt coming back full force to add potency to the nerves caused by Abby's presence.
She nodded wordlessly, gesturing for Abby to take a seat on the bench beside her workstation as she took the offending crutch and examined it.
"You're right, it just needs a re-solder. I'll have it sorted in a moment," Raven acknowledged professionally before slowly bringing the crutch to the workbench unaided.
"Those braces seem to be working well," Abby commented, the question lingering as attempt at a conversation.
"Yep," Raven replied evenly, refusing to take the bait.
She fixed the offending piece without issue before bringing it back to Abby for inspection.
"That it?" she asked, purposely layering the question, her left eyebrow raised.
"No," Abby replied, taking a deep breath as she took the crutch from Raven's outstretched hands, "that was my opening," she added patting the seat beside her on the bench.
"A rather obvious one," Raven pointed out. Her stomach twisted at the sound of Abby's tone but she took a deep breath and sat beside her.
"Well it needed doing anyway," Abby chuckled awkwardly. "Listen, Raven," she segued uncomfortably, "I'm sorry about the other night. It was none of my business."
"This is about Wick?" Raven asked incredulously, flame burning in her belly, "I wasn't upset that you asked," she clarified, trying to keep her words even. She had slept with Wick, during the heat and fear of their war against Mount Weather. She had hoped it would soothe something within her, make her whole somehow, but it had only made her feel more broken.
Abby cocked her head in confusion, "Then why were you upset I asked?" she countered, her questioning brown eyes locking with Raven's own.
Raven felt her heart jump into her throat, the question and Abby's intent gaze making her palms sweaty and her mouth dry. She looked down at her lap, watching her hands fiddle with the frayed edge of her top as she tried to figure out the answer to Abby's completely legitimate question.
"Raven what is it?" Abby asked, worry evident in her voice as she moved her right crutch to her left side and inched towards Raven, taking her hand.
Raven felt the warmth of Abby's side against hers as Abby took her left hand. And in that touch Raven felt the tingles she long associated with Abby and a warmth overlaying the nerves in her stomach - both comforting and frightening. She looked up and caught Abby's eyes, concern painted in them and a hint of something she could not quite discern masked beneath. Her eyes fell to Abby's lips and the feeling of Abby's presence magnified, covering her skin with pinpricks of sensation. Her breath caught in that moment as she recognised the want within her. The anger, annoyance, frustration as well as the warmth, comfort and camaraderie between them was all connected to this need pulsing through her with every heart beat.
Lips parted of their own accord and she licked them reflexively, feeling Abby's breath hot against them. She looked up at Abby's eyes again to find them skittering from her own lips and her heart began to race in her chest, her head reeling at the seemingly unfathomable want she now recognised in the older woman's gaze. Her eyes fell to their hands, desperately avoiding eye contact, as she tried to absorb the intensity of these feelings rushing to the fore.
"Because it hurt that you would be okay with that," Raven finally acknowledged softly before hesitantly raising her eyes.
Raven saw Abby's expression melt in a mixture of sadness and desire before her eyes fell to Abby's lips once more and in that moment all the complicated emotions of the last few months became simple. Suddenly she did not want to hear Abby's response, she did not want anything to complicate this incredibly simple thing.
* * *
Abby's world ran in slow motion as she saw Raven's lips leaning toward her own. She froze, the long-held desire to feel those lips fighting the logic that this was only opening them both up to future pain. Raven stopped just shy of her lips, waiting, but Abby just sat with lips parted, barely able to breathe.
She watched as Raven's half-lidded gaze widened and locked with her own.
"Abby," Raven intoned softly and Abby could feel it even in the way Raven said her name, that intangible something that made her want to give in to the pull she was feeling in every pore, "I'm going to kiss you now."
Abby heard her swallow, could feel Raven's nerves as easily as the rapid beating of her own heart but she remained frozen between giving in and running away.
Raven's free hand gently cupped her cheek and she leaned into it, taking comfort in the warmth, the distraction, her lips brushing the palm of Raven's hand without a thought.
Raven used that hand to guide Abby's face to her own and their lips met, the gentle pressure giving way to the taste of her as Abby felt her body electrified with want.
Abby pulled away from Raven's touch, trying to regain control of her body as her breath came in uneven gasps. She looked into Raven's eyes and saw the arousal within them, scared to have caused that even as the thought shot white heat to her core.
"Abby, it's okay," Raven affirmed, reaching out to her cheek once again.
Abby shook her head, backing away from Raven's touch, "I wish it were," she intoned.
"What do you mean?" Raven asked and Abby could hear pain as the words caught in her throat.
Abby sat up straight and swallowed before taking a deep breath, trying to ease the hammering in her chest and force herself to focus on what needed to be done to save them both future pain.
"I can't, Raven. I just can't," she stammered, shaking her head with finality as she grabbed her crutches and exited without another word.
* * *
Raven made her way through the camp in a storm of emotions - anger, hurt and betrayal - all intensified by how uncontrollably turned on she was. She needed to feel, to hurt. She found Wick in the battery compartment reviewing cladding designs. He looked up when she shut the door behind her, reading the expression on her face before standing.
"What is it?" he asked, laying aside the designs he was reviewing as Raven came at him, running her fingers in his hair and claiming his lips.
Wick broke away, "Whoa, whoa, what is going on?"
"I need this Wick so either you fuck me or I'll find someone who will," she uttered without hesitation.
"Raven," Wick said calmly, "You don't mean that."
"You wanna bet?" Raven asked, turning and making for the door.
"Alright," Wick sighed resignedly, fear at Raven's actions creeping into his voice. She could see it in his eyes, the concern mixed with the lust. He truly cared for her and was probably trying to keep her safe but Raven did not care about anything but alleviating this ache within her.
She turned back and pinned him to the wall, unzipping his pants before pulling off her shirt and bra and pulling down her pants. Wick hardened with little aid and Raven pushed him to the floor before guiding him inside her.
"Shit Raven, you're wet," Wick exclaimed but Raven only covered his mouth with a forceful kiss before riding him harder.
* * *
She left Wick half naked in the battery room, libido eased but feeling worse for her actions. She went back to her bunk and sat on her bed, face in her hands, wondering where her self-respect had gone. Wick deserved better. Even Abby, as angry as she still was at her, did not deserve this.
Raven grabbed her backpack and started to pull together her essentials. She could not stay here with her anger and her guilt.
She wrote Abby a note, asking Bellamy to give it to her in a few days.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"Out there," came Raven's reply as she walked past him and to the door.
Once beyond the tree line she ran, not because she was worried about being followed or because she had somewhere to go but because the physical exertion felt good. With her double braces and her injuries it was more like limping at speed but Raven did not care, she relished the force of the air being pushed from her lungs as she gasped for breath and pushed herself harder.
She felt the dirt in her face before the pain in her knee and realised she had tripped. She slid her bag off her back, rolling over as the offending root mocked her. She lay there for a moment, getting her breath back, and stared at the foliage above her, listening to the birds. She would never get used to or sick of this place. It felt both foreign and familiar, as if some ancestral memory lived within her finally relieved to be breathing the air of the ground. She rolled back over and got up, the pain in her left knee reminding her be careful as she grabbed her sack and continued on.
* * *
Abby had barely been sleeping. It had been four days since Raven kissed her and two days since she received Raven's note. She had read and re-read it so often she knew the text by heart:
Abby,
I slept with Wick (again) after you left the other day. I'm not telling you to hurt you, I'm telling you because that kiss meant something to me, you mean something to me, and what I did was a betrayal of that.
I'm going to leave for a while, until I can face what I did, until I can face you again.
Don't go getting trapped in any fires while I'm gone.
Raven
Abby rolled the flimsy up again before tying it shut. She had considered sending guards after her, but she was trying not to preside over a police state and even if she had forced her back what would she say to her? Abby's best hope was for both of them to move on. Raven was strong, she would be okay. And yet the thought did little to ease the worry that plagued her.
There was a knock from outside her bunk and she hid the flimsy under her bed before replying "Come in."
Abby looked up to see Kane enter, only to pause when he saw the look on her face.
"What is it?" he asked without prelude, the concern evident in his voice.
Abby shook her head as her visage cracked. She turned away from him but Kane came forward, putting a light hand on her back and gently rubbing it an attempt to comfort her.
"Clarke will be fine. She's strong," he consoled.
Abby nodded, wiping the solitary tear that had escaped from the corner of her eye before turning back.
"Clarke," she muttered, nodding again.
Kane looked at her oddly for a moment and she hoped he had not read her momentary confusion at his assumption, "She'll come back," he added.
Abby only nodded.
Kane took a step back, allowing Abby her personal space.
"I came to see if you wanted to get dinner together," he asked, "We have some Boar left over from yesterday," he added enticingly.
Abby forced a smile, "Sounds good," she replied.
Kane offered his arm and Abby linked hers, allowing him to lead her from her bunk.
* * *
Raven spent her first night in the bunker Clarke had once shown her, a dark red stain haunting the far end of it. She wondered where Clarke was and if she ever used this place but she left without seeing her, heading deeper into the woods. After hours of walking, including wading through a river, she came to the base of Mount Weather. The memories of them drilling into her, into Abby, flashed before her but she swallowed them and made for the entrance she knew was close. It would be somewhere to bunk until she made a more permanent construction.
She found the quarantine beds, knowing to avoid level 5 at all costs, and entered one of the rooms. She shivered at the whiteness - the sheer clinical cleanliness was overwhelming. She took out one of the few tools she brought with her and unscrewed the bed from the floor, dragging it into the hallway. It was less protected but at least she would have an escape and a shade of grey surrounding her. She slept fitfully, unused to the silence of layers of rock and corpses between her and the next living being.
The next day she got up early and investigated, finding the backup food supply and some medical supplies. She took some of each and stockpiled it in a third place, taking a small amount of rations for the day, before heading out.
The sound of birds comforted her as soon as she hit the outside and she wondered why she had ever thought that Mount Weather was a good idea.
She started hunting for a rock outcropping or some other natural formation that she could use for the beginnings of her new shelter. She was just about to cross a small stream when she saw a rabbit by the edge. She crouched down, watching it in awe, comforted by the peace surrounding her.
The rabbit went down without a word and Raven saw the arrow sticking out of it's heart, the blood stain spreading. Her heart raced, wondering what the grounders would do if they found her. She crouched down further and watched. But instead of grounders coming out of the trees to collect the kill she watched a solitary blonde figure descend. The woman looked up and Raven recognised her.
She stood up, "Clarke!" she yelled, a smile plastered on her face.
Clarke looked confused for a moment before recognition dawned.
As Raven came towards her she stepped back, "Did my mom send you?" she asked cautiously.
"Abby?" Raven replied, the name making her heart ache as she forced herself to smiled harder, "No, I left on my own," Raven confirmed.
Clarke's face lit up, "Oh, where have you been staying?"
"Umm... Actually I'm trying to figure that out. I stayed last night in Mount Weather, never again," she replied.
Clarke's face froze for a moment as she processed the mention of Mount Weather, her eyes holding a deep hurt. The moment passed and Clarke focused on Raven again.
"I'm this way," she gestured, picking up the rabbit by the feet and motioning for Raven to follow her.
* * *
"How's my mom?" Clarke asked that evening while taking the rabbit off the fire, checking to see if it was cooked before handing a skewered piece to Raven.
Raven paused for a moment before taking the offered skewer, trying not to remember Abby's face millimetres from her own. She took a bite to hide her discomfort, coughing on the piece of meat as she had forgotten to breathe before taking a bite.
"She's good," Raven answered with a forced casualness once her coughing had died down.
Clarke eyed her suspiciously for a moment.
"She's still on crutches but getting stronger," Raven continued, trying to get Clarke's mind off her initial hesitation, "She misses you though."
Clarke averted her eyes, staring at the meat in her hand.
"I can't go back," she answered sadly, "at least not yet," she added looking up.
Raven nodded, "I know," she agreed.
An awkward silence descended as both women ate their meal pensively.
"So you never said why you left," Clarke offered, desperately trying to change the subject.
"Just needed some space," Raven replied, trying to keep her eyes on Clarke's face, hoping she could not read the pain behind it.
Clarke looked at her for a moment before replying.
"Umm... okay," Clarke replied, "You sure that's it?"
"Yep," Raven replied evenly, a faint touch of anger bleeding through as she forced herself to focus on the fire. She took a bite of her dinner in an effort to hide her discomfort.
"Well now I know you're lying," Clarke replied, eyebrow raised knowingly, "Something happen with you and Wick?"
Raven's eyes snapped to Clarke's face at the mention of Wick's name.
"I'll take that as a yes," Clarke acknowledged with a low chuckle, taking another bite of her food.
"... it's not like that," Raven tried to defend, guilt fuelling her anger, "Can we not?" she asked, her voice pitching lower in annoyance.
"He clearly cares for you," Clarke answered almost offhandedly, "The way he carried you after..." she hesitated, "After you got hurt," she amended, "You could see it in his eyes."
"Clarke, stop," Raven commanded evenly but Clarke only stared at her with a smug smile.
Raven sighed in frustration, "Yes, I fucked Wick, twice as a matter of fact, and yes, he wanted something that I didn't.... can we let it drop now?" she asked infuriated.
Clarke watched her friend with a furrowed brow, "And?"
"And what?" Raven asked, her voice laced with annoyance as the nerves in her stomach tied in knots.
"There's more," Clarke replied, "That isn't why you're here."
"Really? And how would you know?" Raven bit back.
"If that was it you wouldn't still be protecting yourself and snapping at me," Clarke noted.
Raven was silent, desperately trying to think of something else that would satisfy her. But Clarke was already too close to the truth.
"So what is it?" Clarke prodded calmly before taking her final bite of rabbit.
Raven's smile bordered on maniacal, "You really want to know?" she relented chuckling low to herself, the skewer in her hand backlit by the flames.
Clarke nodded as she chewed.
"I got Wick to fuck me because I kissed your mom," Raven relayed, eyes boring into Clarke as she watched her friend stopped chewing. Shock spread across Clarke's face as the statement sunk in and Raven turned from her to gaze into the fire. “She kissed me back,” she added pensively, trying to keep the fresh pain from her voice, “then she ran away.”
She looked over at Clarke whose face was still frozen in bewilderment.
“I know that doesn't justify screwing Wick but at the time I thought I needed it,” Raven continued as if to alleviate her own guilt, watching Clarke for some response.
Clarke forcibly swallowed the piece of meat in her mouth before responding.
“Well eww,” came Clarke's response, and Raven could hear the half truth/half jest in her tone.
She let out a humourless laugh, her eyes finding the dirt beneath her feet for a moment before looking at Clarke.
“That is going to take me a bit to get used to,” Clarke replied, evading Raven's eyes as she put down her skewer and stood to tend the fire.
Raven stared past her friend into the fire, the tension within her diffusing, “You and me both,” she answered softly more to herself than Clarke, her heart aching with the reminder of the want in Abby's eyes before she walked away.
"See?," she heard Clarke utter and Raven snapped to the present and met her eyes, "Now you've told me," she pointed out.
Raven nodded, “yea,” she answered distractedly before forcing herself to take another bite of her dinner.
* * *
Abby turned to say goodbye to Kane. They had fallen into a routine these past few weeks, dinner and a walk before he escorted her back to her bunk. She took a step towards her bunk but Kane took her hand.
"Abby," he uttered softly, more a question than a statement.
Abby turned to see Kane's eyes on her hand before looking up at her. He hesitated and Abby felt the tension around them. This was it then, this was the declaration she had hoped would never come. Sure she cared about Kane, they had become friends, closer even during these last few weeks, but she always thought it might be more than that for him.
"...I care about you," Kane began.
Abby tried to interrupt but Kane held his hand up, "let me finish," he asked calmly.
Abby closed her mouth.
"..and as much as I have enjoyed spending these last few weeks with you I also see that you are fighting with something..."
Abby shifted her weight, trying not to show how her heartbeat had increased with his words.
"..Clarke.." she mouthed without remembering she was supposed to be quiet.
Kane shook his head, "That is what I thought too at first but you weren't like this in the beginning, it's only been these last few weeks...." he paused, meeting her eyes purposefully, "It's only since Raven left..." he let the statement hang in the air for a moment before continuing.
Abby swallowed and she pulled her eyes from Kane's, tears rising unbidden as she tried to force them away.
"And I can tell by the way you talk about her how much she means to you. What happened between the two of you?" Kane asked sympathetically.
Abby forced herself to breathe, knowing that her automatic responses had already confirmed his assertion, try as she might she could not come up with a legitimate excuse for her behaviour.
She exhaled, pulling Kane aside to a bench not far from her bunk. He followed her, releasing her hand and sitting beside her.
Abby opened her mouth to speak before closing it again, unsure what to say or how to start.
"I think....," she hesitated, looking up at Kane before her gaze fell back to her hands in her lap, "I can't even say it," she chided herself.
"You have feelings for her," Kane surmised, trying to fill in the blanks Abby was struggling with.
She nodded, glancing up at Kane's face.
"Why did she leave Abby?" he asked patiently.
Abby was silent for a long moment her gaze moving from her hands to Kane's face and back again.
"She kissed me. I.... didn't handle it well," she finally admitted, holding back the tears threatening to choke her.
Kane was silent for a moment, eyes furrowed.
Abby opened her mouth, trying to save face, "I know she's my daughter's age and I never should have allowed it to get that far but.."
Kane cut her off, "Does she make you happy?” he asked pointedly.
Abby was taken aback.
"She clearly cares for you too," he reminded her.
"...but?" Abby tried to protest, to justify why she had been avoiding her but it all seemed so nonsensical, as if the acceptance of another person invalidated her reservations.
"Finding someone is hard enough Abby, don't deprive yourself," Kane commented, "You deserve to be happy."
With that he stood abruptly.
"Good night Abby," he declared with a slight smile before walking back into the camp.
Abby watched him go, her stomach in knots as she tried to understand what had just happened. With five words he had taken away the shield she had not realised she was hiding behind. Without that protection she felt the full onslaught of what she had done. The tears she had successfully held back in Kane's presence burned hot on her cheeks as the pit in her stomach grew into an ache. She forced herself up and into her bunk before the cry welling in her chest broke forth and it felt like relief, letting it go, as the cry was followed by another.
* * *
Fandom: The 100
Pairing: Abby/Raven (tiny bit of Raven/Wick in context..)
Spoilers: Up until the end of Season 2
Rating: M
Disclaimer: The bits from the show are not mine. The *feelings* and extra bits are...
Chapters 1 , 2, 3 & 4
Chapter Five: Distance
Raven looked up as the clacking from the hallway became more pronounced, knowing it could only be either Harper or Abby. She turned back to her work as the sound approached, trying to look busy in case it was Abby, the possibility of Abby's presence making her heart hammer in her chest.
The last time she spoke to Abby was the night of their sunset walk. Kane had met them at the gate, worried about Abby's extended absence, and Raven offered a terse good night as she left Abby with Kane and made her way to her bunk. She could feel Abby's eyes on her as she walked away but she did not turn back.
The memory left a bitter taste in her mouth and fizzled in the pit of her stomach like acid - self-annoyance mixed with guilt, anger, and the ever-present confusion over where exactly she stood with Abby.
Since then she had thrown herself into the overhaul of the solar panel wiring. She told herself that it was the importance of the work that made her subsume her waking hours in small compartments and wiring ducts but she knew it was a distraction and, to some extent, a hiding place where Abby could not happen by without purposefully seeking Raven out.
Yet, if that sound was Abby, then she had purposefully sought her out.
She looked up at clanging that functioned as a knock, unsurprised to see Abby looking over at her but doing so with a caution she was not used to seeing on the Chancellor's face.
"I know you're busy with the refit but could you re-solder this for me?" she asked politely, indicating part of her left crutch that had come loose.
Raven hated the penitent tenor to Abby's voice, her own guilt coming back full force to add potency to the nerves caused by Abby's presence.
She nodded wordlessly, gesturing for Abby to take a seat on the bench beside her workstation as she took the offending crutch and examined it.
"You're right, it just needs a re-solder. I'll have it sorted in a moment," Raven acknowledged professionally before slowly bringing the crutch to the workbench unaided.
"Those braces seem to be working well," Abby commented, the question lingering as attempt at a conversation.
"Yep," Raven replied evenly, refusing to take the bait.
She fixed the offending piece without issue before bringing it back to Abby for inspection.
"That it?" she asked, purposely layering the question, her left eyebrow raised.
"No," Abby replied, taking a deep breath as she took the crutch from Raven's outstretched hands, "that was my opening," she added patting the seat beside her on the bench.
"A rather obvious one," Raven pointed out. Her stomach twisted at the sound of Abby's tone but she took a deep breath and sat beside her.
"Well it needed doing anyway," Abby chuckled awkwardly. "Listen, Raven," she segued uncomfortably, "I'm sorry about the other night. It was none of my business."
"This is about Wick?" Raven asked incredulously, flame burning in her belly, "I wasn't upset that you asked," she clarified, trying to keep her words even. She had slept with Wick, during the heat and fear of their war against Mount Weather. She had hoped it would soothe something within her, make her whole somehow, but it had only made her feel more broken.
Abby cocked her head in confusion, "Then why were you upset I asked?" she countered, her questioning brown eyes locking with Raven's own.
Raven felt her heart jump into her throat, the question and Abby's intent gaze making her palms sweaty and her mouth dry. She looked down at her lap, watching her hands fiddle with the frayed edge of her top as she tried to figure out the answer to Abby's completely legitimate question.
"Raven what is it?" Abby asked, worry evident in her voice as she moved her right crutch to her left side and inched towards Raven, taking her hand.
Raven felt the warmth of Abby's side against hers as Abby took her left hand. And in that touch Raven felt the tingles she long associated with Abby and a warmth overlaying the nerves in her stomach - both comforting and frightening. She looked up and caught Abby's eyes, concern painted in them and a hint of something she could not quite discern masked beneath. Her eyes fell to Abby's lips and the feeling of Abby's presence magnified, covering her skin with pinpricks of sensation. Her breath caught in that moment as she recognised the want within her. The anger, annoyance, frustration as well as the warmth, comfort and camaraderie between them was all connected to this need pulsing through her with every heart beat.
Lips parted of their own accord and she licked them reflexively, feeling Abby's breath hot against them. She looked up at Abby's eyes again to find them skittering from her own lips and her heart began to race in her chest, her head reeling at the seemingly unfathomable want she now recognised in the older woman's gaze. Her eyes fell to their hands, desperately avoiding eye contact, as she tried to absorb the intensity of these feelings rushing to the fore.
"Because it hurt that you would be okay with that," Raven finally acknowledged softly before hesitantly raising her eyes.
Raven saw Abby's expression melt in a mixture of sadness and desire before her eyes fell to Abby's lips once more and in that moment all the complicated emotions of the last few months became simple. Suddenly she did not want to hear Abby's response, she did not want anything to complicate this incredibly simple thing.
* * *
Abby's world ran in slow motion as she saw Raven's lips leaning toward her own. She froze, the long-held desire to feel those lips fighting the logic that this was only opening them both up to future pain. Raven stopped just shy of her lips, waiting, but Abby just sat with lips parted, barely able to breathe.
She watched as Raven's half-lidded gaze widened and locked with her own.
"Abby," Raven intoned softly and Abby could feel it even in the way Raven said her name, that intangible something that made her want to give in to the pull she was feeling in every pore, "I'm going to kiss you now."
Abby heard her swallow, could feel Raven's nerves as easily as the rapid beating of her own heart but she remained frozen between giving in and running away.
Raven's free hand gently cupped her cheek and she leaned into it, taking comfort in the warmth, the distraction, her lips brushing the palm of Raven's hand without a thought.
Raven used that hand to guide Abby's face to her own and their lips met, the gentle pressure giving way to the taste of her as Abby felt her body electrified with want.
Abby pulled away from Raven's touch, trying to regain control of her body as her breath came in uneven gasps. She looked into Raven's eyes and saw the arousal within them, scared to have caused that even as the thought shot white heat to her core.
"Abby, it's okay," Raven affirmed, reaching out to her cheek once again.
Abby shook her head, backing away from Raven's touch, "I wish it were," she intoned.
"What do you mean?" Raven asked and Abby could hear pain as the words caught in her throat.
Abby sat up straight and swallowed before taking a deep breath, trying to ease the hammering in her chest and force herself to focus on what needed to be done to save them both future pain.
"I can't, Raven. I just can't," she stammered, shaking her head with finality as she grabbed her crutches and exited without another word.
* * *
Raven made her way through the camp in a storm of emotions - anger, hurt and betrayal - all intensified by how uncontrollably turned on she was. She needed to feel, to hurt. She found Wick in the battery compartment reviewing cladding designs. He looked up when she shut the door behind her, reading the expression on her face before standing.
"What is it?" he asked, laying aside the designs he was reviewing as Raven came at him, running her fingers in his hair and claiming his lips.
Wick broke away, "Whoa, whoa, what is going on?"
"I need this Wick so either you fuck me or I'll find someone who will," she uttered without hesitation.
"Raven," Wick said calmly, "You don't mean that."
"You wanna bet?" Raven asked, turning and making for the door.
"Alright," Wick sighed resignedly, fear at Raven's actions creeping into his voice. She could see it in his eyes, the concern mixed with the lust. He truly cared for her and was probably trying to keep her safe but Raven did not care about anything but alleviating this ache within her.
She turned back and pinned him to the wall, unzipping his pants before pulling off her shirt and bra and pulling down her pants. Wick hardened with little aid and Raven pushed him to the floor before guiding him inside her.
"Shit Raven, you're wet," Wick exclaimed but Raven only covered his mouth with a forceful kiss before riding him harder.
* * *
She left Wick half naked in the battery room, libido eased but feeling worse for her actions. She went back to her bunk and sat on her bed, face in her hands, wondering where her self-respect had gone. Wick deserved better. Even Abby, as angry as she still was at her, did not deserve this.
Raven grabbed her backpack and started to pull together her essentials. She could not stay here with her anger and her guilt.
She wrote Abby a note, asking Bellamy to give it to her in a few days.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"Out there," came Raven's reply as she walked past him and to the door.
Once beyond the tree line she ran, not because she was worried about being followed or because she had somewhere to go but because the physical exertion felt good. With her double braces and her injuries it was more like limping at speed but Raven did not care, she relished the force of the air being pushed from her lungs as she gasped for breath and pushed herself harder.
She felt the dirt in her face before the pain in her knee and realised she had tripped. She slid her bag off her back, rolling over as the offending root mocked her. She lay there for a moment, getting her breath back, and stared at the foliage above her, listening to the birds. She would never get used to or sick of this place. It felt both foreign and familiar, as if some ancestral memory lived within her finally relieved to be breathing the air of the ground. She rolled back over and got up, the pain in her left knee reminding her be careful as she grabbed her sack and continued on.
* * *
Abby had barely been sleeping. It had been four days since Raven kissed her and two days since she received Raven's note. She had read and re-read it so often she knew the text by heart:
Abby,
I slept with Wick (again) after you left the other day. I'm not telling you to hurt you, I'm telling you because that kiss meant something to me, you mean something to me, and what I did was a betrayal of that.
I'm going to leave for a while, until I can face what I did, until I can face you again.
Don't go getting trapped in any fires while I'm gone.
Raven
Abby rolled the flimsy up again before tying it shut. She had considered sending guards after her, but she was trying not to preside over a police state and even if she had forced her back what would she say to her? Abby's best hope was for both of them to move on. Raven was strong, she would be okay. And yet the thought did little to ease the worry that plagued her.
There was a knock from outside her bunk and she hid the flimsy under her bed before replying "Come in."
Abby looked up to see Kane enter, only to pause when he saw the look on her face.
"What is it?" he asked without prelude, the concern evident in his voice.
Abby shook her head as her visage cracked. She turned away from him but Kane came forward, putting a light hand on her back and gently rubbing it an attempt to comfort her.
"Clarke will be fine. She's strong," he consoled.
Abby nodded, wiping the solitary tear that had escaped from the corner of her eye before turning back.
"Clarke," she muttered, nodding again.
Kane looked at her oddly for a moment and she hoped he had not read her momentary confusion at his assumption, "She'll come back," he added.
Abby only nodded.
Kane took a step back, allowing Abby her personal space.
"I came to see if you wanted to get dinner together," he asked, "We have some Boar left over from yesterday," he added enticingly.
Abby forced a smile, "Sounds good," she replied.
Kane offered his arm and Abby linked hers, allowing him to lead her from her bunk.
* * *
Raven spent her first night in the bunker Clarke had once shown her, a dark red stain haunting the far end of it. She wondered where Clarke was and if she ever used this place but she left without seeing her, heading deeper into the woods. After hours of walking, including wading through a river, she came to the base of Mount Weather. The memories of them drilling into her, into Abby, flashed before her but she swallowed them and made for the entrance she knew was close. It would be somewhere to bunk until she made a more permanent construction.
She found the quarantine beds, knowing to avoid level 5 at all costs, and entered one of the rooms. She shivered at the whiteness - the sheer clinical cleanliness was overwhelming. She took out one of the few tools she brought with her and unscrewed the bed from the floor, dragging it into the hallway. It was less protected but at least she would have an escape and a shade of grey surrounding her. She slept fitfully, unused to the silence of layers of rock and corpses between her and the next living being.
The next day she got up early and investigated, finding the backup food supply and some medical supplies. She took some of each and stockpiled it in a third place, taking a small amount of rations for the day, before heading out.
The sound of birds comforted her as soon as she hit the outside and she wondered why she had ever thought that Mount Weather was a good idea.
She started hunting for a rock outcropping or some other natural formation that she could use for the beginnings of her new shelter. She was just about to cross a small stream when she saw a rabbit by the edge. She crouched down, watching it in awe, comforted by the peace surrounding her.
The rabbit went down without a word and Raven saw the arrow sticking out of it's heart, the blood stain spreading. Her heart raced, wondering what the grounders would do if they found her. She crouched down further and watched. But instead of grounders coming out of the trees to collect the kill she watched a solitary blonde figure descend. The woman looked up and Raven recognised her.
She stood up, "Clarke!" she yelled, a smile plastered on her face.
Clarke looked confused for a moment before recognition dawned.
As Raven came towards her she stepped back, "Did my mom send you?" she asked cautiously.
"Abby?" Raven replied, the name making her heart ache as she forced herself to smiled harder, "No, I left on my own," Raven confirmed.
Clarke's face lit up, "Oh, where have you been staying?"
"Umm... Actually I'm trying to figure that out. I stayed last night in Mount Weather, never again," she replied.
Clarke's face froze for a moment as she processed the mention of Mount Weather, her eyes holding a deep hurt. The moment passed and Clarke focused on Raven again.
"I'm this way," she gestured, picking up the rabbit by the feet and motioning for Raven to follow her.
* * *
"How's my mom?" Clarke asked that evening while taking the rabbit off the fire, checking to see if it was cooked before handing a skewered piece to Raven.
Raven paused for a moment before taking the offered skewer, trying not to remember Abby's face millimetres from her own. She took a bite to hide her discomfort, coughing on the piece of meat as she had forgotten to breathe before taking a bite.
"She's good," Raven answered with a forced casualness once her coughing had died down.
Clarke eyed her suspiciously for a moment.
"She's still on crutches but getting stronger," Raven continued, trying to get Clarke's mind off her initial hesitation, "She misses you though."
Clarke averted her eyes, staring at the meat in her hand.
"I can't go back," she answered sadly, "at least not yet," she added looking up.
Raven nodded, "I know," she agreed.
An awkward silence descended as both women ate their meal pensively.
"So you never said why you left," Clarke offered, desperately trying to change the subject.
"Just needed some space," Raven replied, trying to keep her eyes on Clarke's face, hoping she could not read the pain behind it.
Clarke looked at her for a moment before replying.
"Umm... okay," Clarke replied, "You sure that's it?"
"Yep," Raven replied evenly, a faint touch of anger bleeding through as she forced herself to focus on the fire. She took a bite of her dinner in an effort to hide her discomfort.
"Well now I know you're lying," Clarke replied, eyebrow raised knowingly, "Something happen with you and Wick?"
Raven's eyes snapped to Clarke's face at the mention of Wick's name.
"I'll take that as a yes," Clarke acknowledged with a low chuckle, taking another bite of her food.
"... it's not like that," Raven tried to defend, guilt fuelling her anger, "Can we not?" she asked, her voice pitching lower in annoyance.
"He clearly cares for you," Clarke answered almost offhandedly, "The way he carried you after..." she hesitated, "After you got hurt," she amended, "You could see it in his eyes."
"Clarke, stop," Raven commanded evenly but Clarke only stared at her with a smug smile.
Raven sighed in frustration, "Yes, I fucked Wick, twice as a matter of fact, and yes, he wanted something that I didn't.... can we let it drop now?" she asked infuriated.
Clarke watched her friend with a furrowed brow, "And?"
"And what?" Raven asked, her voice laced with annoyance as the nerves in her stomach tied in knots.
"There's more," Clarke replied, "That isn't why you're here."
"Really? And how would you know?" Raven bit back.
"If that was it you wouldn't still be protecting yourself and snapping at me," Clarke noted.
Raven was silent, desperately trying to think of something else that would satisfy her. But Clarke was already too close to the truth.
"So what is it?" Clarke prodded calmly before taking her final bite of rabbit.
Raven's smile bordered on maniacal, "You really want to know?" she relented chuckling low to herself, the skewer in her hand backlit by the flames.
Clarke nodded as she chewed.
"I got Wick to fuck me because I kissed your mom," Raven relayed, eyes boring into Clarke as she watched her friend stopped chewing. Shock spread across Clarke's face as the statement sunk in and Raven turned from her to gaze into the fire. “She kissed me back,” she added pensively, trying to keep the fresh pain from her voice, “then she ran away.”
She looked over at Clarke whose face was still frozen in bewilderment.
“I know that doesn't justify screwing Wick but at the time I thought I needed it,” Raven continued as if to alleviate her own guilt, watching Clarke for some response.
Clarke forcibly swallowed the piece of meat in her mouth before responding.
“Well eww,” came Clarke's response, and Raven could hear the half truth/half jest in her tone.
She let out a humourless laugh, her eyes finding the dirt beneath her feet for a moment before looking at Clarke.
“That is going to take me a bit to get used to,” Clarke replied, evading Raven's eyes as she put down her skewer and stood to tend the fire.
Raven stared past her friend into the fire, the tension within her diffusing, “You and me both,” she answered softly more to herself than Clarke, her heart aching with the reminder of the want in Abby's eyes before she walked away.
"See?," she heard Clarke utter and Raven snapped to the present and met her eyes, "Now you've told me," she pointed out.
Raven nodded, “yea,” she answered distractedly before forcing herself to take another bite of her dinner.
* * *
Abby turned to say goodbye to Kane. They had fallen into a routine these past few weeks, dinner and a walk before he escorted her back to her bunk. She took a step towards her bunk but Kane took her hand.
"Abby," he uttered softly, more a question than a statement.
Abby turned to see Kane's eyes on her hand before looking up at her. He hesitated and Abby felt the tension around them. This was it then, this was the declaration she had hoped would never come. Sure she cared about Kane, they had become friends, closer even during these last few weeks, but she always thought it might be more than that for him.
"...I care about you," Kane began.
Abby tried to interrupt but Kane held his hand up, "let me finish," he asked calmly.
Abby closed her mouth.
"..and as much as I have enjoyed spending these last few weeks with you I also see that you are fighting with something..."
Abby shifted her weight, trying not to show how her heartbeat had increased with his words.
"..Clarke.." she mouthed without remembering she was supposed to be quiet.
Kane shook his head, "That is what I thought too at first but you weren't like this in the beginning, it's only been these last few weeks...." he paused, meeting her eyes purposefully, "It's only since Raven left..." he let the statement hang in the air for a moment before continuing.
Abby swallowed and she pulled her eyes from Kane's, tears rising unbidden as she tried to force them away.
"And I can tell by the way you talk about her how much she means to you. What happened between the two of you?" Kane asked sympathetically.
Abby forced herself to breathe, knowing that her automatic responses had already confirmed his assertion, try as she might she could not come up with a legitimate excuse for her behaviour.
She exhaled, pulling Kane aside to a bench not far from her bunk. He followed her, releasing her hand and sitting beside her.
Abby opened her mouth to speak before closing it again, unsure what to say or how to start.
"I think....," she hesitated, looking up at Kane before her gaze fell back to her hands in her lap, "I can't even say it," she chided herself.
"You have feelings for her," Kane surmised, trying to fill in the blanks Abby was struggling with.
She nodded, glancing up at Kane's face.
"Why did she leave Abby?" he asked patiently.
Abby was silent for a long moment her gaze moving from her hands to Kane's face and back again.
"She kissed me. I.... didn't handle it well," she finally admitted, holding back the tears threatening to choke her.
Kane was silent for a moment, eyes furrowed.
Abby opened her mouth, trying to save face, "I know she's my daughter's age and I never should have allowed it to get that far but.."
Kane cut her off, "Does she make you happy?” he asked pointedly.
Abby was taken aback.
"She clearly cares for you too," he reminded her.
"...but?" Abby tried to protest, to justify why she had been avoiding her but it all seemed so nonsensical, as if the acceptance of another person invalidated her reservations.
"Finding someone is hard enough Abby, don't deprive yourself," Kane commented, "You deserve to be happy."
With that he stood abruptly.
"Good night Abby," he declared with a slight smile before walking back into the camp.
Abby watched him go, her stomach in knots as she tried to understand what had just happened. With five words he had taken away the shield she had not realised she was hiding behind. Without that protection she felt the full onslaught of what she had done. The tears she had successfully held back in Kane's presence burned hot on her cheeks as the pit in her stomach grew into an ache. She forced herself up and into her bunk before the cry welling in her chest broke forth and it felt like relief, letting it go, as the cry was followed by another.
* * *