Sorry for the Political Rant
I heard this story over the radio and it made my heart skip a beat....
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=165097354
This could have been me 12 years ago.
After years of thinking I could not become pregnant, I did a couple of months after getting married. It was surreal & we were so excited. At 4 months, I felt excruciating pain in my abdomen. I did not know what was going on. Then as quickly as it happened, it stopped. We were in Chicago visiting a high school friend of mine. Instead of going to the ER, I waited until I returned home so I can see my OBGYN.
He sent me to ultrasound just to be sure. I will never forget talking to the technician. At first she was very congenial but then the mood changed when she asked me how far along I was. At the time I just thought she was concentrating. When she was done, she insisted I return to my Dr's office. I told her he would follow up in a week. She told me to go back just to be sure.
When the office manager saw me, she directed me straight to the Dr's office without me getting to the window. Then the Dr dropped one of the worst bombs on me in my life. The fetus did not have a heartbeat. "So that is why the tech sent me back to the Dr's office," I thought. "She knew and couldn't tell me."
The doctor explained that there was a possibility that the pain I felt in Chicago was my body trying to abort, the placenta tearing away from the uterine wall. There probably was more said, but due to the flood of emotions it is all a blur. He wanted to finish what the body started by using a medical abortion.
You see, many of my liberal friends do not understand my very strong anti-abortion stance. There are many other ways not to become pregnant. An abortion is a medical procedure which should be used in limited medically necessary cases.
In my desire to clutch any shred of hope, I needed to be sure that I was not going to abort a viable fetus. I asked if there was any possibility that we measured the time wrong. There are times where I skipped periods. What if it was 3 months not 4? We would be just starting to hear the heartbeat at this point.
The Doctor put me on complete bed rest for a week and warned me of signs of infection. He scheduled an ultrasound a week later to compare to the first ultrasound to make sure there is no growth or other signs of change or heartbeat.
That was a very long 5 minute drive home. I could not see the road through the tears.
One week later, at the ultrasound appointment, I had the same technician. She was a lot more "careful" with me this time. She knew I was wishing and hoping for the improbable. At the end of the ultrasound I asked her if she heard anything. All she could do is nod no.
Were all of the tests were right and I am risking a fatal infection by waiting for my body to abort on its own? I had to make a decision within 24 hours of what the next steps were to be. There was a thought that maybe my body will finish what it started. That wasn't the case. After consulting those close to me (including my mother who was a nurse), I scheduled the DnC the next morning.
I still have a strong anti-abortion stance (though having a lighter stance may have made this internal battle easier). This event in my life did not change that. But there are differences between me and the more publicized "pro-life" associates:
1) There are times where abortions are medically necessary to the mental and physical well-being of the mother: rape, incest, cancer diagnosis, incomplete spontaneous abortion and others...I will continue to fight for this right until the day I die.
2)Life may begin at conception but it continues until death. Being "pro-life" does not stop once the baby is born. If adoption is such an option, why aren't more "pro-life" proponents adopting, other forms of birth control or teaching the risks of pre-marital sex?
3)It is not my place to dictate morals to strangers. If they ask my opinion, they are going to get it bluntly and clearly. However, tolerance means not everyone thinks or believes exactly the same way and they deserve respect even if I disagree with them.
What scares me the most in today's environment of women's health is I am not sure I would have been able to have this conversation with my doctor. Would he have been allowed to bring this up as an option? How many women are risking infections just like me or the woman in the article because their doctor believes eventually the body with finish an incomplete spontaneous abortion on its own?
The other thing that scares me is how many times have I told this story to pro-lifers who have either condemned my decision or said, "No, you didn't have an abortion. You had a medical procedure." The detachment scares me more then the irrational fervor of condemnation. The detachment says, I like you therefore you are not allowed to be one of "them." This is how I am going to rationalize it so I can keep you on the like list.
As many of you know, I try not to write politics here. However, I have always used this journal as a place to store some of my deepest thoughts. Apparently, this one needed to come out.
I don't mind friendly discourse on this topic in the comments. Understand the minute respect starts waning, I will stop the conversation. I am all for free speech, but words have connotations and you WILL respect that here!!
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=165097354
This could have been me 12 years ago.
After years of thinking I could not become pregnant, I did a couple of months after getting married. It was surreal & we were so excited. At 4 months, I felt excruciating pain in my abdomen. I did not know what was going on. Then as quickly as it happened, it stopped. We were in Chicago visiting a high school friend of mine. Instead of going to the ER, I waited until I returned home so I can see my OBGYN.
He sent me to ultrasound just to be sure. I will never forget talking to the technician. At first she was very congenial but then the mood changed when she asked me how far along I was. At the time I just thought she was concentrating. When she was done, she insisted I return to my Dr's office. I told her he would follow up in a week. She told me to go back just to be sure.
When the office manager saw me, she directed me straight to the Dr's office without me getting to the window. Then the Dr dropped one of the worst bombs on me in my life. The fetus did not have a heartbeat. "So that is why the tech sent me back to the Dr's office," I thought. "She knew and couldn't tell me."
The doctor explained that there was a possibility that the pain I felt in Chicago was my body trying to abort, the placenta tearing away from the uterine wall. There probably was more said, but due to the flood of emotions it is all a blur. He wanted to finish what the body started by using a medical abortion.
You see, many of my liberal friends do not understand my very strong anti-abortion stance. There are many other ways not to become pregnant. An abortion is a medical procedure which should be used in limited medically necessary cases.
In my desire to clutch any shred of hope, I needed to be sure that I was not going to abort a viable fetus. I asked if there was any possibility that we measured the time wrong. There are times where I skipped periods. What if it was 3 months not 4? We would be just starting to hear the heartbeat at this point.
The Doctor put me on complete bed rest for a week and warned me of signs of infection. He scheduled an ultrasound a week later to compare to the first ultrasound to make sure there is no growth or other signs of change or heartbeat.
That was a very long 5 minute drive home. I could not see the road through the tears.
One week later, at the ultrasound appointment, I had the same technician. She was a lot more "careful" with me this time. She knew I was wishing and hoping for the improbable. At the end of the ultrasound I asked her if she heard anything. All she could do is nod no.
Were all of the tests were right and I am risking a fatal infection by waiting for my body to abort on its own? I had to make a decision within 24 hours of what the next steps were to be. There was a thought that maybe my body will finish what it started. That wasn't the case. After consulting those close to me (including my mother who was a nurse), I scheduled the DnC the next morning.
I still have a strong anti-abortion stance (though having a lighter stance may have made this internal battle easier). This event in my life did not change that. But there are differences between me and the more publicized "pro-life" associates:
1) There are times where abortions are medically necessary to the mental and physical well-being of the mother: rape, incest, cancer diagnosis, incomplete spontaneous abortion and others...I will continue to fight for this right until the day I die.
2)Life may begin at conception but it continues until death. Being "pro-life" does not stop once the baby is born. If adoption is such an option, why aren't more "pro-life" proponents adopting, other forms of birth control or teaching the risks of pre-marital sex?
3)It is not my place to dictate morals to strangers. If they ask my opinion, they are going to get it bluntly and clearly. However, tolerance means not everyone thinks or believes exactly the same way and they deserve respect even if I disagree with them.
What scares me the most in today's environment of women's health is I am not sure I would have been able to have this conversation with my doctor. Would he have been allowed to bring this up as an option? How many women are risking infections just like me or the woman in the article because their doctor believes eventually the body with finish an incomplete spontaneous abortion on its own?
The other thing that scares me is how many times have I told this story to pro-lifers who have either condemned my decision or said, "No, you didn't have an abortion. You had a medical procedure." The detachment scares me more then the irrational fervor of condemnation. The detachment says, I like you therefore you are not allowed to be one of "them." This is how I am going to rationalize it so I can keep you on the like list.
As many of you know, I try not to write politics here. However, I have always used this journal as a place to store some of my deepest thoughts. Apparently, this one needed to come out.
I don't mind friendly discourse on this topic in the comments. Understand the minute respect starts waning, I will stop the conversation. I am all for free speech, but words have connotations and you WILL respect that here!!