Float...
Title: Float
Author: analine
Pairings: TutixNagayan, NagayanxKimeru
Word Count: 4,591
Warnings: yaoi
Rating: PG-13
Notes: For kooriyoukai and lizstarsky :)
Comments/thoughts are greatly appreciated. ^_^
Disclaimer: No basis in reality.
x-posted to tutixnagayan
Float - to remain suspended within or on the surface without sinking
Nagayan really hadn’t thought it would be this hard. That breaking things off with Tuti would hurt this much, or that it would leave him feeling so completely… empty. He hadn’t even really thought of it that way until now, but… this was definitely how he felt. Hollow, and empty… and almost as if he wasn’t really here at all.
He could feel that the water had turned cold, but he really didn’t have the energy to reach down and adjust the levels on the faucets right now. He wondered how long he had been in the shower. He knew that his friend needed to get in here too, because he had something tonight; Nagayan couldn’t really remember what. Kimeru always had something…
A loud knock on the door broke him out of his thoughts. He opened his mouth to apologize for taking so long, but… nothing came out. This seemed to happen a lot lately. Strange. There was a voice on the other side of the door, a familiar, comforting voice, but Nagayan couldn’t really make out the words, and he didn’t seem to possess the ability to strain to hear his friend over the sound of the water right now. So he just stood there… waiting until he was able to summon the energy to speak, or move, or something.
He closed his eyes and leaned forward, his arms bending a little under his weight, as his fingers dug into the tiles for support. He really had no idea that it would be this hard. To move, to speak, to do anything at all, was just… really hard right now.
He guessed that he had gotten what he deserved though. Trusting Tuti. Allowing Tuti to become the center of his life, or pretty damn close to the center anyway. It had been scary all along and now he knew why. This was why. This horrible, crushing weight in his chest that left him feeling exhausted, even though he hadn’t moved from his friend’s apartment in days. Even though he had spent more time in bed this past week than he had in the three months he had been with Tuti combined. More time sleeping in bed, anyway, he clarified to himself. And that thought would have been funny if it didn’t hurt so much.
Nagayan really hated this. He hated feeling this way, and he hated his friend knowing that he felt this way. Kime had insisted though. That he come here. And… he had to admit it wasn’t so bad. Kime cooked, which was nice. He even cooked Nagayan’s favorite things, which was even nicer, but… That didn’t change the fact that he felt terrible. That he looked terrible. That Kime was probably sick of him being here and moping around and not doing anything constructive.
Nagayan’s sigh caught in his throat, and so instead he just swallowed, hard. Well, it was only for three more days, he told himself. After that Nagayan had no choice but to get on with things. He had tried, actually, to get out of this engagement, but… impossible had been the answer. Impossible. And so…he would be going back to work. And hopefully this feeling would go away and… Nagayan wondered why this thought, more than all the others, came with an unbearable ache. Maybe it was just that he knew deep down that he was holding onto this feeling, that he didn’t want it to go away. Because he really didn’t. He didn’t want it to go away at all. Not any of it. Kime kept telling him that if he really felt that way then he needed to just talk to Tuti, but…
Nagayan hadn’t even realized it, but the door to the bathroom had opened, and his friend was standing there. Nagayan could tell by his posture that he was angry too, even obscured as he was behind the wavy lines of the shower door.
“What?” The word came out as a kind of squeak and Nagayan cleared his throat. He repeated the word again, this time quietly. He heard Kime sigh loudly, as the shower door slid open. Cool fingers wrapped around his wrist, and he felt himself being dragged, dripping wet, out of the shower and into the bathroom.
His friend was talking to him and Nagayan struggled to focus on his words.
“Seriously, I told you not to do that anymore. I’ve been knocking, and…” Kime was wrapping a large, soft towel around Nagayan as he spoke, and Nagayan had the odd sensation that suddenly he had been transported back to being about five years old again.
“I told you. It makes me nervous when you get quiet like that.” Kimeru reached around him, to the other side of the shower, and turned off the water, before fixing him with a serious look.
Nagayan tried to smile, to reassure him.
“I’m fine.” The words had almost died in his throat, but he had forced them out, mostly for the sake of his friend, because he knew that Kime hated to be ignored, and that he hated silences most of all.
He wondered if maybe he should say something else, when suddenly Nagayan felt himself pulled into a tight hug, so tight that he found he couldn’t breathe for a second. Nagayan felt tears pricking at the back of his eyes so he squeezed them shut and tried to concentrate on the fact that his friend was trying to help him and that Kime was warm, and that he could allow himself to take comfort in this, in him, but… for some reason he found himself pushing his friend away anyway. “I’m fine, Kime. I told you, I’m fine.”
His friend took a small step back, and watched him cautiously. “I know what you told me.”
The smaller man was studying him, his head cocked to the side, and suddenly Nagayan felt like he would rather disappear into the floor than have Kime tell him again for the hundredth time that he looked terrible, that if he didn’t pull himself together he was going to call Tuti and force him to come over here, or worse. Kime looked like he was contemplating something important suddenly though, and Nagayan raised his eyebrows at his friend. Kime smiled, but his eyes looked sad and Nagayan felt his face getting warm as his emotions threatened to get the best of him again. He never cried. Certainly not in front of people, and… He turned away from his friend, more out of habit than actual embarrassment.
“Takashi…”
He thought Kimeru was going to say something again about him not being as ok as he claimed to be, or something, but instead he found that his friend had grabbed his arm, and was leading him purposefully out of the bathroom, and down the hallway. They reached the living room and Kimeru sat down heavily on the couch, pulling Nagayan down with him.
The cushions sagged, and suddenly Nagayan realized that, aside from the unexpected hug in the bathroom, this was the closest he’d been to his friend in a very, very long time. It was kind of nice too, the way the cotton grazed his bare arm, and that there was just a ghost of warmth there, managing to creep through the space between them. The drops of water that fell from the ends of his hair soaked into the material slowly, a pattern of spots that Nagayan knew would fade quickly if he just shifted a centimeter, a millimeter, a hair farther away from the man next to him. Nagayan slouched a little, and his head fell back onto the rounded curved top of the couch.
He closed his eyes, and let out a long breath.
“I thought you had rehearsal tonight, right?”
The words sounded strange coming out of his mouth and Nagayan wondered if it was because this was probably the longest sentence he’d spoken in days. To anyone. Aside from reassuring Kime that he was fine while feeling like he could keel over and die at any second, and moving his head in response to Kime’s questions of was he hungry, did he need anything…well, Nagayan guessed that communication had just really not been his strong suit recently. Which was strange because usually Nagayan told everyone how he felt all the time, especially Kimeru.
He watched his friend smile.
“So you were listening.”
Nagayan rolled his eyes and his friend’s smile grew, just slightly, as he paused for a second, considering something, before he spoke again.
“You’re right, I do have to get ready, but,” and he leveled his eyes at his friend, “First you need to tell me what you’re going to do about all of this.”
Nagayan coughed in surprise, and then shook his head.
“So you’re not going to do anything?”
“What am I supposed to do?” The words sounded silly when he spoke them, and he was glad when his friend ignored him, and went on talking as if he hadn’t said a word, because it meant that he was also ignoring what he knew had been a distinct air of desperation in his voice. And Nagayan really didn’t want to have to explain where that had come from right now.
“You’re not even going to try to fix the misunderstanding?”
There was a moment of heavy silence, and suddenly Nagayan realized why he hadn’t wanted to talk about this to anyone. Because he knew that it would make him feel like this. Like he had been punched in the stomach. Like the last of his breath was being squeezed out of him. Nagayan closed his eyes. He had no idea what he was supposed to say.
A long moment stretched by, until he felt a hand on his leg, and almost jumped in surprise.
“Takashi. Breathe.”
His friend looked worried, and was leaning in towards him, his eyes wide. Nagayan blinked, and took a deep breath. So that’s why he was starting to feel dizzy. Funny. He’d never realized he could do that before.
Kimeru was still watching him, his eyes attentive and calculating for a moment, before they cleared and his friend spoke, gently. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything. You can talk to me when you’re ready, ok?” And Nagayan felt the fingers shift and squeeze around his knee reassuringly.
Nagayan hadn’t really heard what Kime had said though, because his heart was pounding so loudly, and the words were forming, and rambling out before he could really stop them. “It’s not a misunderstanding. He said…he said it was a mistake. That we’re better off as friends. It was weird anyway, you know, with everyone finding out, and… and I’m fine. It wasn’t that long that we were together, and I always kind of knew, you know? That it wouldn’t last, so… I’m fine. It’s fine. It’s better like this.”
“You don’t think you should try to talk to him? You know he only said that because-” The question from his friend had come without any pause. He’d been waiting for an opportunity to say this, maybe.
But Nagayan couldn’t listen right now. He couldn’t listen to Kime reason logically about this again, he just couldn’t. Impossible.
He shifted his attention to his friend’s hand, which was still resting on his leg. Every few seconds he could feel the fingers move, apparently emphasizing his words, or… something. Nagayan shook his head as he realized that more than anything right now, more than anything in the world, he wanted someone to touch him. Really touch him. He wanted to be close to someone. Right now. Even Kime. Or maybe… maybe especially Kime. He looked at his friend. Kime was beautiful. Kime cared and… and - the next thought came a little less easily - they had done this before… it wouldn’t be weird. And he just…needed this. He hated it too, that he needed this, that it was always the same, but… he knew Kime would understand.
He leaned towards his friend, realizing that even though he couldn’t really hear the words, his friend was still talking. But Kimeru’s mouth closed suddenly, as Nagayan continued to move closer. He watched his friend’s eyes turn from confusion to understanding in less than an instant. And he was relieved.
The touch was familiar, and almost nostalgic in it’s sweetness, and softness. They explored each other’s mouths without urgency, and Nagayan enjoyed getting lost in the sensations that the sudden contact was sending through his body. It was kind of funny how time always managed to slide away into nothingness when Nagayan was close to someone like this, when he was close enough to share their breath, to feel their warmth…
He felt his body relax for what felt like the first time in days. His hair was still wet, and he felt nimble fingers creeping up his back and then combing through the long strands where they fell against his neck, fingers catching here and there, tugging gently, and sending tiny shivers up and down Nagayan’s spine. His mind turned pleasantly numb for a moment, as he felt his friend’s hand move across his chest with smooth, light touches over his muscles, before moving down and tracing the lines around his stomach gently. The folds of the towel had fallen away, with some prompting by his friend, but Kimeru stopped short of touching Nagayan as he broke their kiss. Their eyes met briefly, an unspoken question dangling between them for a second.
Nagayan blinked and shook his head, because for some reason, it seemed like the right reaction to have just then. Kimeru nodded and moved his hand away, and Nagayan was grateful that there wasn’t a trace of disappointment in his friend’s eyes. That was what Nagayan loved about Kimeru. He always understood. Always.
As soon as the contact of their lips had broken though Nagayan had become aware that nothing really had changed. It was the same room, the same couch, the same towel wrapped loosely around him. His hair was still wet, and… and he still felt like this. He thought desperately of the numbness that had crept into his mind, and the pounding of his heart that had seemed to drown out his thoughts. It felt wrong, but… he wanted more. Just for a second, just a kiss… just something…anything.
Kimeru watched him for a second, and Nagayan wondered if he somehow knew what he had been thinking, because just then his friend leaned forward and touched his cheek, running the side of his finger slowly across his skin. The kiss was deep and dark, and much more urgent now, as Nagayan put all of his energy, everything that had been building up for days, everything… into the kiss. With any luck this would be the last burst of energy he ever had, he was thinking, as his friend responded with an intensity that surprised him. It wouldn’t be a bad way to go either, he figured. Kime was good at this, after all.
They both pulled away after a few minutes, and Nagayan stared in front of him at nothing, trying to hold onto the last few seconds of numbness that lingered from the memory of his friend’s lips and his tongue and the warm inner cavity of his mouth.
“Feeling better?”
Kimeru was smiling at him, his face still a little red and his voice breathless, but Nagayan felt… terrible.
He nodded, but he was sure Kime knew the truth.
Kime just smiled again though, and Nagayan guessed that maybe he was tired of arguing with him and tired maybe of trying to get him to be truthful about things like this, when, really he probably knew too that it was just easier for both of them this way. What was he supposed to say anyway? That he didn’t feel any better? That in fact, he felt worse, because he felt nothing at all, and kissing his friend like that had made him think that he should feel something. But he couldn’t, he didn’t…not at all.
Kime was staring at him, watching the tears fall from his eyes. Nagayan couldn’t really be bothered to wipe them away. What was the point when he was sitting here with the one person who knew all of his secrets anyway?
To his surprise Kime leaned forward and gave him a quick hug before sitting up straight and shaking his head as if he had been waiting for something to happen and that now that it had, he could get on whatever he was supposed to be doing. Nagayan was confused. He sniffled a little and met Kimeru’s eyes hesitantly.
“I’m going to call Tsuchiya, ok?”
Nagayan’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth to protest and was surprised when a firm hand clamped down over his lips, making any protests impossible. Kime’s eyes were a little scary too, even though he was smiling.
“No arguments. I’m going to call him, then I’m going to wait until he gets here so that you can’t run away or hide in the bathroom and refuse to come to the door, and then I’m going to leave to go to my rehearsal, which I will be late for at that point, and then you guys are going to work this out, ok?”
Kime was talking so fast Nagayan had to really pay attention to keep up. He finished and it took Nagayan a few seconds to realize what was actually happening, that Kimeru was calling Tuti, that he was standing up right now, and was already dialing.
And then Nagayan could hear Tuti’s loud voice on the other end of the phone.
Kime was talking, and his voice was pleasant, if not a little too cheery. “Yeah, so, I thought I’d call you, just to see what you thought, if you wanted to give it a try?” There was a pause, and Nagayan could hear Tuti’s voice again, just barely. “What?” Kimeru was laughing now, and Nagayan could hear Tuti laughing too on the other end of the line. “Of course I’m kidding. Anyway, we’re done having fun over here, so if you could pick Takashi up I would really appreciate it, because I’m kind of getting tired of his whining, you know?” There was a pause before Kimeru laughed loudly. “I know…”
Nagayan was staring at him as if he was completely insane, and Kimeru laughed, forgetting he was on the phone for a second and gestured toward the hallway, “Get dressed! What are you waiting for?”
“Sorry, we just got out of the shower, so… When can you be here?” Another pause. “Thanks Tsuchiya, I owe you one.” And Kimeru flipped his phone shut, looking pleased.
When Nagayan found his voice again he half-yelled, half-sputtered, “What the fuck, Kime? You just called Tuti?”
His friend sighed, and looked at Nagayan as if his friend had just asked him the most ridiculous question he had ever heard. “Takashi, he’s called me every day for the past week. I told him that one day I was just going to force you to talk to him, and I did. He’ll be here in ten minutes, so you better get dressed.”
“He… called you?” Suddenly Nagayan felt something warm creeping back into his body, as he pictured Tuti in his mind, picking up his phone, calling Kimeru. It was strange; he hadn’t been able to actually picture Tuti in his mind for days. He looked at his friend, because he realized he was a little confused. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
His friend laughed. “I did tell you. Don’t you remember screaming at me to never mention his name again?”
“No,” Nagayan pouted a little, but… he realized he did kind of remember that, somewhere back in his mind, a dim, hazy memory. Weird.
“Well, just trust me then.”
“I didn’t scream…”
Kimeru was smiling at him, clearly amused.
There were other memories that were becoming a bit clearer now, and Nagayan realized suddenly that his friend must have had to put up with a lot of really ridiculous behavior from him lately. He felt guilty. And stupid.
“Kime, I’m sorry, really, I-”
“Takashi, you need to get dressed.”
“Kime…”
But Kimeru was shaking his head, forcefully, and Nagayan knew that this was one of the few times that Kimeru was shutting him out. He knew better than to say anything else, and so they were both quiet for a while.
When the doorbell rang, neither of them moved.
They looked at each other after a few seconds, and Nagayan opened his mouth just as Kimeru shrugged, which caused them both to laugh for a second before exchanging a meaningful glance and nodding in agreement at the unspoken exhange.
Nagayan’s heart was pounding, when, a few minutes later, after getting rid of the towel and finding his clothes, he peeked his head around into the living room, where Tuti and Kimeru were seated on opposite couches. They were laughing and Nagayan watched them for a second. Kimeru’s laugh was light and airy and Nagayan wondered if he was nervous, which was strange, and Tuti… Tuti was fidgeting with the sleeves of his jacket as if he couldn’t decide whether to leave it on or not and…
Suddenly both heads turned to look at him at the same time. Nagayan could feel the weight of Tuti’s gaze, as Kimeru got up to give Nagayan his seat, saying that he was leaving, but that they should make themselves at home…
**
Some time later, Nagayan opened his eyes slowly, cautiously. It was dark. He thought for a second. The soft sheets, the soft smells of the room, the hum of the computer in the corner. He could hear sounds from the hallway too. Someone was awake. Bustling around, singing to himself. Kimeru. So he was still here, still in his friend’s apartment but...something felt different.
Still, he was here, and that meant… What? He had imagined the whole thing? Nagayan took a deep breath, and rolled over onto his back, blinking a few times. No, he definitely remembered being on the couch with Tuti, talking. And he remembered Tuti telling him he looked tired and then… So…
Suddenly, there was a low voice, speaking close to him, so close that he could almost feel the breath tickling his ear. Almost.
“Takashi…” The word was tentative, but Nagayan could tell even in the darkness that Tuti was smiling. He could picture it perfectly too. A cautious, confused smile that could disappear in an instant, but still, a smile.
Nagayan’s eyes clouded over despite the fact that the corners of his mouth were being pulled upwards, out of habit. Because Tuti was here, and… that made him smile, always.
“Hi,” Nagayan said quietly, and closed his eyes, letting the pounding of his heart fill his ears. He felt lips press to his forehead, sending a rush of energy through him. He kept his eyes shut, squeezing them so tightly that the flashes of colors didn’t go away even when he opened them a few seconds later. He couldn’t really feel soft support of the bed under his back anymore either, which was strange. He knew that nothing was even happening really, just that Tuti’s body was somewhere above him, around him, overwhelmingly warm, filling the inches of space between their bodies with a pulsing, magnetic force that Nagayan could feel seeping into his skin and his bones and… his heart which was beating for what felt like the first time in days. Actually beating, actually flowing with blood and actually beating with a purpose.
He wished he could touch it. The energy he felt between their bodies, this connection that he could feel even though they weren’t touching, even though Tuti’s lips had long since broken their contact with his forehead. He wasn’t even sure if Tuti’s body was actually still there anymore, or if it was just the memory of it, the warmth that wasn’t fading, that was radiating from inside of him now, and that was making every last hair on his body stand on end.
Then he felt the familiar touch of a slightly rough tip of a finger brushing away the moisture from the corner of his eyes. Nagayan remembered to breathe then and felt the electric warmth inside his lungs now, and everything just seemed so… full. The room, this entire space, his body, his mind, his heart. He wondered how it could be so full and realized that it must be because everything had been so empty before. He wondered if there was a way to keep all of this inside of him somehow, to store it somewhere so that he would never have to worry about it disappearing again.
“Are you hungry?”
Nagayan was surprised at the question, which seemed to float and hover above him and it took him a while to realize that he was supposed to answer.
“What?” he said, because he realized he didn’t have an answer, that he really had no idea. Then Nagayan wondered suddenly, was it early, or late? What were they doing here?
“We didn’t have dinner. I thought maybe…”
“What time is it?” His voice was quiet, and groggy, and it sounded like he had been asleep for days, which was sort of funny, since he guessed he kind of had been.
“I don’t know,” came Tuti’s answer, and he didn’t sound like he was in any hurry to find out either.
Nagayan rolled over onto his side, so that he was facing Tuti. “I’m not hungry.” He whispered the words against the skin of Tuti’s neck, and closed his eyes again. Warmth and electricity and fullness. That was all he wanted.
“Shouldn’t we…”
Nagayan moved his head back and forth in a slow motion. “Kime won’t mind. He likes having me here.” Those last few words Nagayan really wasn’t sure if he had spoken or not because the blood was rushing in his ears again as a hand pressed gently against his back, just between his shoulder blades and moved slowly, down to the curved space above his waist, and stayed there.
“Ok.”
He heard the word float and hover above them again but… all Nagayan was really aware of was the fullness, the intense, mind-numbing fullness that he knew he could only feel with this one person, this one person who, thankfully, amazingly was right here. It was scary because he knew in that instant that there was no replacement for this. Ever. Tuti had to be here for him to feel this way and that was… that was just the way it was, he realized. Simple, he thought and closed his eyes.
“I’m sorry.”
Two more words to hover between them, above them and two words, which, surprisingly made his heart feel just the tiniest bit fuller, even when he hadn’t thought this was possible at all. He guessed that he had needed to hear those words maybe because… his stomach was turning over happily, and there was dizzying intensity around him too, as he felt himself being pulled a little closer.
Nagayan mumbled something, which sounded slightly incoherent, as he opened and closed his eyes quickly, just for a second, to make sure this was actually real, and actually happening, before allowing the warmth to consume him… entirely and completely.
OWARI
Author: analine
Pairings: TutixNagayan, NagayanxKimeru
Word Count: 4,591
Warnings: yaoi
Rating: PG-13
Notes: For kooriyoukai and lizstarsky :)
Comments/thoughts are greatly appreciated. ^_^
Disclaimer: No basis in reality.
x-posted to tutixnagayan
Float - to remain suspended within or on the surface without sinking
Nagayan really hadn’t thought it would be this hard. That breaking things off with Tuti would hurt this much, or that it would leave him feeling so completely… empty. He hadn’t even really thought of it that way until now, but… this was definitely how he felt. Hollow, and empty… and almost as if he wasn’t really here at all.
He could feel that the water had turned cold, but he really didn’t have the energy to reach down and adjust the levels on the faucets right now. He wondered how long he had been in the shower. He knew that his friend needed to get in here too, because he had something tonight; Nagayan couldn’t really remember what. Kimeru always had something…
A loud knock on the door broke him out of his thoughts. He opened his mouth to apologize for taking so long, but… nothing came out. This seemed to happen a lot lately. Strange. There was a voice on the other side of the door, a familiar, comforting voice, but Nagayan couldn’t really make out the words, and he didn’t seem to possess the ability to strain to hear his friend over the sound of the water right now. So he just stood there… waiting until he was able to summon the energy to speak, or move, or something.
He closed his eyes and leaned forward, his arms bending a little under his weight, as his fingers dug into the tiles for support. He really had no idea that it would be this hard. To move, to speak, to do anything at all, was just… really hard right now.
He guessed that he had gotten what he deserved though. Trusting Tuti. Allowing Tuti to become the center of his life, or pretty damn close to the center anyway. It had been scary all along and now he knew why. This was why. This horrible, crushing weight in his chest that left him feeling exhausted, even though he hadn’t moved from his friend’s apartment in days. Even though he had spent more time in bed this past week than he had in the three months he had been with Tuti combined. More time sleeping in bed, anyway, he clarified to himself. And that thought would have been funny if it didn’t hurt so much.
Nagayan really hated this. He hated feeling this way, and he hated his friend knowing that he felt this way. Kime had insisted though. That he come here. And… he had to admit it wasn’t so bad. Kime cooked, which was nice. He even cooked Nagayan’s favorite things, which was even nicer, but… That didn’t change the fact that he felt terrible. That he looked terrible. That Kime was probably sick of him being here and moping around and not doing anything constructive.
Nagayan’s sigh caught in his throat, and so instead he just swallowed, hard. Well, it was only for three more days, he told himself. After that Nagayan had no choice but to get on with things. He had tried, actually, to get out of this engagement, but… impossible had been the answer. Impossible. And so…he would be going back to work. And hopefully this feeling would go away and… Nagayan wondered why this thought, more than all the others, came with an unbearable ache. Maybe it was just that he knew deep down that he was holding onto this feeling, that he didn’t want it to go away. Because he really didn’t. He didn’t want it to go away at all. Not any of it. Kime kept telling him that if he really felt that way then he needed to just talk to Tuti, but…
Nagayan hadn’t even realized it, but the door to the bathroom had opened, and his friend was standing there. Nagayan could tell by his posture that he was angry too, even obscured as he was behind the wavy lines of the shower door.
“What?” The word came out as a kind of squeak and Nagayan cleared his throat. He repeated the word again, this time quietly. He heard Kime sigh loudly, as the shower door slid open. Cool fingers wrapped around his wrist, and he felt himself being dragged, dripping wet, out of the shower and into the bathroom.
His friend was talking to him and Nagayan struggled to focus on his words.
“Seriously, I told you not to do that anymore. I’ve been knocking, and…” Kime was wrapping a large, soft towel around Nagayan as he spoke, and Nagayan had the odd sensation that suddenly he had been transported back to being about five years old again.
“I told you. It makes me nervous when you get quiet like that.” Kimeru reached around him, to the other side of the shower, and turned off the water, before fixing him with a serious look.
Nagayan tried to smile, to reassure him.
“I’m fine.” The words had almost died in his throat, but he had forced them out, mostly for the sake of his friend, because he knew that Kime hated to be ignored, and that he hated silences most of all.
He wondered if maybe he should say something else, when suddenly Nagayan felt himself pulled into a tight hug, so tight that he found he couldn’t breathe for a second. Nagayan felt tears pricking at the back of his eyes so he squeezed them shut and tried to concentrate on the fact that his friend was trying to help him and that Kime was warm, and that he could allow himself to take comfort in this, in him, but… for some reason he found himself pushing his friend away anyway. “I’m fine, Kime. I told you, I’m fine.”
His friend took a small step back, and watched him cautiously. “I know what you told me.”
The smaller man was studying him, his head cocked to the side, and suddenly Nagayan felt like he would rather disappear into the floor than have Kime tell him again for the hundredth time that he looked terrible, that if he didn’t pull himself together he was going to call Tuti and force him to come over here, or worse. Kime looked like he was contemplating something important suddenly though, and Nagayan raised his eyebrows at his friend. Kime smiled, but his eyes looked sad and Nagayan felt his face getting warm as his emotions threatened to get the best of him again. He never cried. Certainly not in front of people, and… He turned away from his friend, more out of habit than actual embarrassment.
“Takashi…”
He thought Kimeru was going to say something again about him not being as ok as he claimed to be, or something, but instead he found that his friend had grabbed his arm, and was leading him purposefully out of the bathroom, and down the hallway. They reached the living room and Kimeru sat down heavily on the couch, pulling Nagayan down with him.
The cushions sagged, and suddenly Nagayan realized that, aside from the unexpected hug in the bathroom, this was the closest he’d been to his friend in a very, very long time. It was kind of nice too, the way the cotton grazed his bare arm, and that there was just a ghost of warmth there, managing to creep through the space between them. The drops of water that fell from the ends of his hair soaked into the material slowly, a pattern of spots that Nagayan knew would fade quickly if he just shifted a centimeter, a millimeter, a hair farther away from the man next to him. Nagayan slouched a little, and his head fell back onto the rounded curved top of the couch.
He closed his eyes, and let out a long breath.
“I thought you had rehearsal tonight, right?”
The words sounded strange coming out of his mouth and Nagayan wondered if it was because this was probably the longest sentence he’d spoken in days. To anyone. Aside from reassuring Kime that he was fine while feeling like he could keel over and die at any second, and moving his head in response to Kime’s questions of was he hungry, did he need anything…well, Nagayan guessed that communication had just really not been his strong suit recently. Which was strange because usually Nagayan told everyone how he felt all the time, especially Kimeru.
He watched his friend smile.
“So you were listening.”
Nagayan rolled his eyes and his friend’s smile grew, just slightly, as he paused for a second, considering something, before he spoke again.
“You’re right, I do have to get ready, but,” and he leveled his eyes at his friend, “First you need to tell me what you’re going to do about all of this.”
Nagayan coughed in surprise, and then shook his head.
“So you’re not going to do anything?”
“What am I supposed to do?” The words sounded silly when he spoke them, and he was glad when his friend ignored him, and went on talking as if he hadn’t said a word, because it meant that he was also ignoring what he knew had been a distinct air of desperation in his voice. And Nagayan really didn’t want to have to explain where that had come from right now.
“You’re not even going to try to fix the misunderstanding?”
There was a moment of heavy silence, and suddenly Nagayan realized why he hadn’t wanted to talk about this to anyone. Because he knew that it would make him feel like this. Like he had been punched in the stomach. Like the last of his breath was being squeezed out of him. Nagayan closed his eyes. He had no idea what he was supposed to say.
A long moment stretched by, until he felt a hand on his leg, and almost jumped in surprise.
“Takashi. Breathe.”
His friend looked worried, and was leaning in towards him, his eyes wide. Nagayan blinked, and took a deep breath. So that’s why he was starting to feel dizzy. Funny. He’d never realized he could do that before.
Kimeru was still watching him, his eyes attentive and calculating for a moment, before they cleared and his friend spoke, gently. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything. You can talk to me when you’re ready, ok?” And Nagayan felt the fingers shift and squeeze around his knee reassuringly.
Nagayan hadn’t really heard what Kime had said though, because his heart was pounding so loudly, and the words were forming, and rambling out before he could really stop them. “It’s not a misunderstanding. He said…he said it was a mistake. That we’re better off as friends. It was weird anyway, you know, with everyone finding out, and… and I’m fine. It wasn’t that long that we were together, and I always kind of knew, you know? That it wouldn’t last, so… I’m fine. It’s fine. It’s better like this.”
“You don’t think you should try to talk to him? You know he only said that because-” The question from his friend had come without any pause. He’d been waiting for an opportunity to say this, maybe.
But Nagayan couldn’t listen right now. He couldn’t listen to Kime reason logically about this again, he just couldn’t. Impossible.
He shifted his attention to his friend’s hand, which was still resting on his leg. Every few seconds he could feel the fingers move, apparently emphasizing his words, or… something. Nagayan shook his head as he realized that more than anything right now, more than anything in the world, he wanted someone to touch him. Really touch him. He wanted to be close to someone. Right now. Even Kime. Or maybe… maybe especially Kime. He looked at his friend. Kime was beautiful. Kime cared and… and - the next thought came a little less easily - they had done this before… it wouldn’t be weird. And he just…needed this. He hated it too, that he needed this, that it was always the same, but… he knew Kime would understand.
He leaned towards his friend, realizing that even though he couldn’t really hear the words, his friend was still talking. But Kimeru’s mouth closed suddenly, as Nagayan continued to move closer. He watched his friend’s eyes turn from confusion to understanding in less than an instant. And he was relieved.
The touch was familiar, and almost nostalgic in it’s sweetness, and softness. They explored each other’s mouths without urgency, and Nagayan enjoyed getting lost in the sensations that the sudden contact was sending through his body. It was kind of funny how time always managed to slide away into nothingness when Nagayan was close to someone like this, when he was close enough to share their breath, to feel their warmth…
He felt his body relax for what felt like the first time in days. His hair was still wet, and he felt nimble fingers creeping up his back and then combing through the long strands where they fell against his neck, fingers catching here and there, tugging gently, and sending tiny shivers up and down Nagayan’s spine. His mind turned pleasantly numb for a moment, as he felt his friend’s hand move across his chest with smooth, light touches over his muscles, before moving down and tracing the lines around his stomach gently. The folds of the towel had fallen away, with some prompting by his friend, but Kimeru stopped short of touching Nagayan as he broke their kiss. Their eyes met briefly, an unspoken question dangling between them for a second.
Nagayan blinked and shook his head, because for some reason, it seemed like the right reaction to have just then. Kimeru nodded and moved his hand away, and Nagayan was grateful that there wasn’t a trace of disappointment in his friend’s eyes. That was what Nagayan loved about Kimeru. He always understood. Always.
As soon as the contact of their lips had broken though Nagayan had become aware that nothing really had changed. It was the same room, the same couch, the same towel wrapped loosely around him. His hair was still wet, and… and he still felt like this. He thought desperately of the numbness that had crept into his mind, and the pounding of his heart that had seemed to drown out his thoughts. It felt wrong, but… he wanted more. Just for a second, just a kiss… just something…anything.
Kimeru watched him for a second, and Nagayan wondered if he somehow knew what he had been thinking, because just then his friend leaned forward and touched his cheek, running the side of his finger slowly across his skin. The kiss was deep and dark, and much more urgent now, as Nagayan put all of his energy, everything that had been building up for days, everything… into the kiss. With any luck this would be the last burst of energy he ever had, he was thinking, as his friend responded with an intensity that surprised him. It wouldn’t be a bad way to go either, he figured. Kime was good at this, after all.
They both pulled away after a few minutes, and Nagayan stared in front of him at nothing, trying to hold onto the last few seconds of numbness that lingered from the memory of his friend’s lips and his tongue and the warm inner cavity of his mouth.
“Feeling better?”
Kimeru was smiling at him, his face still a little red and his voice breathless, but Nagayan felt… terrible.
He nodded, but he was sure Kime knew the truth.
Kime just smiled again though, and Nagayan guessed that maybe he was tired of arguing with him and tired maybe of trying to get him to be truthful about things like this, when, really he probably knew too that it was just easier for both of them this way. What was he supposed to say anyway? That he didn’t feel any better? That in fact, he felt worse, because he felt nothing at all, and kissing his friend like that had made him think that he should feel something. But he couldn’t, he didn’t…not at all.
Kime was staring at him, watching the tears fall from his eyes. Nagayan couldn’t really be bothered to wipe them away. What was the point when he was sitting here with the one person who knew all of his secrets anyway?
To his surprise Kime leaned forward and gave him a quick hug before sitting up straight and shaking his head as if he had been waiting for something to happen and that now that it had, he could get on whatever he was supposed to be doing. Nagayan was confused. He sniffled a little and met Kimeru’s eyes hesitantly.
“I’m going to call Tsuchiya, ok?”
Nagayan’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth to protest and was surprised when a firm hand clamped down over his lips, making any protests impossible. Kime’s eyes were a little scary too, even though he was smiling.
“No arguments. I’m going to call him, then I’m going to wait until he gets here so that you can’t run away or hide in the bathroom and refuse to come to the door, and then I’m going to leave to go to my rehearsal, which I will be late for at that point, and then you guys are going to work this out, ok?”
Kime was talking so fast Nagayan had to really pay attention to keep up. He finished and it took Nagayan a few seconds to realize what was actually happening, that Kimeru was calling Tuti, that he was standing up right now, and was already dialing.
And then Nagayan could hear Tuti’s loud voice on the other end of the phone.
Kime was talking, and his voice was pleasant, if not a little too cheery. “Yeah, so, I thought I’d call you, just to see what you thought, if you wanted to give it a try?” There was a pause, and Nagayan could hear Tuti’s voice again, just barely. “What?” Kimeru was laughing now, and Nagayan could hear Tuti laughing too on the other end of the line. “Of course I’m kidding. Anyway, we’re done having fun over here, so if you could pick Takashi up I would really appreciate it, because I’m kind of getting tired of his whining, you know?” There was a pause before Kimeru laughed loudly. “I know…”
Nagayan was staring at him as if he was completely insane, and Kimeru laughed, forgetting he was on the phone for a second and gestured toward the hallway, “Get dressed! What are you waiting for?”
“Sorry, we just got out of the shower, so… When can you be here?” Another pause. “Thanks Tsuchiya, I owe you one.” And Kimeru flipped his phone shut, looking pleased.
When Nagayan found his voice again he half-yelled, half-sputtered, “What the fuck, Kime? You just called Tuti?”
His friend sighed, and looked at Nagayan as if his friend had just asked him the most ridiculous question he had ever heard. “Takashi, he’s called me every day for the past week. I told him that one day I was just going to force you to talk to him, and I did. He’ll be here in ten minutes, so you better get dressed.”
“He… called you?” Suddenly Nagayan felt something warm creeping back into his body, as he pictured Tuti in his mind, picking up his phone, calling Kimeru. It was strange; he hadn’t been able to actually picture Tuti in his mind for days. He looked at his friend, because he realized he was a little confused. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
His friend laughed. “I did tell you. Don’t you remember screaming at me to never mention his name again?”
“No,” Nagayan pouted a little, but… he realized he did kind of remember that, somewhere back in his mind, a dim, hazy memory. Weird.
“Well, just trust me then.”
“I didn’t scream…”
Kimeru was smiling at him, clearly amused.
There were other memories that were becoming a bit clearer now, and Nagayan realized suddenly that his friend must have had to put up with a lot of really ridiculous behavior from him lately. He felt guilty. And stupid.
“Kime, I’m sorry, really, I-”
“Takashi, you need to get dressed.”
“Kime…”
But Kimeru was shaking his head, forcefully, and Nagayan knew that this was one of the few times that Kimeru was shutting him out. He knew better than to say anything else, and so they were both quiet for a while.
When the doorbell rang, neither of them moved.
They looked at each other after a few seconds, and Nagayan opened his mouth just as Kimeru shrugged, which caused them both to laugh for a second before exchanging a meaningful glance and nodding in agreement at the unspoken exhange.
Nagayan’s heart was pounding, when, a few minutes later, after getting rid of the towel and finding his clothes, he peeked his head around into the living room, where Tuti and Kimeru were seated on opposite couches. They were laughing and Nagayan watched them for a second. Kimeru’s laugh was light and airy and Nagayan wondered if he was nervous, which was strange, and Tuti… Tuti was fidgeting with the sleeves of his jacket as if he couldn’t decide whether to leave it on or not and…
Suddenly both heads turned to look at him at the same time. Nagayan could feel the weight of Tuti’s gaze, as Kimeru got up to give Nagayan his seat, saying that he was leaving, but that they should make themselves at home…
**
Some time later, Nagayan opened his eyes slowly, cautiously. It was dark. He thought for a second. The soft sheets, the soft smells of the room, the hum of the computer in the corner. He could hear sounds from the hallway too. Someone was awake. Bustling around, singing to himself. Kimeru. So he was still here, still in his friend’s apartment but...something felt different.
Still, he was here, and that meant… What? He had imagined the whole thing? Nagayan took a deep breath, and rolled over onto his back, blinking a few times. No, he definitely remembered being on the couch with Tuti, talking. And he remembered Tuti telling him he looked tired and then… So…
Suddenly, there was a low voice, speaking close to him, so close that he could almost feel the breath tickling his ear. Almost.
“Takashi…” The word was tentative, but Nagayan could tell even in the darkness that Tuti was smiling. He could picture it perfectly too. A cautious, confused smile that could disappear in an instant, but still, a smile.
Nagayan’s eyes clouded over despite the fact that the corners of his mouth were being pulled upwards, out of habit. Because Tuti was here, and… that made him smile, always.
“Hi,” Nagayan said quietly, and closed his eyes, letting the pounding of his heart fill his ears. He felt lips press to his forehead, sending a rush of energy through him. He kept his eyes shut, squeezing them so tightly that the flashes of colors didn’t go away even when he opened them a few seconds later. He couldn’t really feel soft support of the bed under his back anymore either, which was strange. He knew that nothing was even happening really, just that Tuti’s body was somewhere above him, around him, overwhelmingly warm, filling the inches of space between their bodies with a pulsing, magnetic force that Nagayan could feel seeping into his skin and his bones and… his heart which was beating for what felt like the first time in days. Actually beating, actually flowing with blood and actually beating with a purpose.
He wished he could touch it. The energy he felt between their bodies, this connection that he could feel even though they weren’t touching, even though Tuti’s lips had long since broken their contact with his forehead. He wasn’t even sure if Tuti’s body was actually still there anymore, or if it was just the memory of it, the warmth that wasn’t fading, that was radiating from inside of him now, and that was making every last hair on his body stand on end.
Then he felt the familiar touch of a slightly rough tip of a finger brushing away the moisture from the corner of his eyes. Nagayan remembered to breathe then and felt the electric warmth inside his lungs now, and everything just seemed so… full. The room, this entire space, his body, his mind, his heart. He wondered how it could be so full and realized that it must be because everything had been so empty before. He wondered if there was a way to keep all of this inside of him somehow, to store it somewhere so that he would never have to worry about it disappearing again.
“Are you hungry?”
Nagayan was surprised at the question, which seemed to float and hover above him and it took him a while to realize that he was supposed to answer.
“What?” he said, because he realized he didn’t have an answer, that he really had no idea. Then Nagayan wondered suddenly, was it early, or late? What were they doing here?
“We didn’t have dinner. I thought maybe…”
“What time is it?” His voice was quiet, and groggy, and it sounded like he had been asleep for days, which was sort of funny, since he guessed he kind of had been.
“I don’t know,” came Tuti’s answer, and he didn’t sound like he was in any hurry to find out either.
Nagayan rolled over onto his side, so that he was facing Tuti. “I’m not hungry.” He whispered the words against the skin of Tuti’s neck, and closed his eyes again. Warmth and electricity and fullness. That was all he wanted.
“Shouldn’t we…”
Nagayan moved his head back and forth in a slow motion. “Kime won’t mind. He likes having me here.” Those last few words Nagayan really wasn’t sure if he had spoken or not because the blood was rushing in his ears again as a hand pressed gently against his back, just between his shoulder blades and moved slowly, down to the curved space above his waist, and stayed there.
“Ok.”
He heard the word float and hover above them again but… all Nagayan was really aware of was the fullness, the intense, mind-numbing fullness that he knew he could only feel with this one person, this one person who, thankfully, amazingly was right here. It was scary because he knew in that instant that there was no replacement for this. Ever. Tuti had to be here for him to feel this way and that was… that was just the way it was, he realized. Simple, he thought and closed his eyes.
“I’m sorry.”
Two more words to hover between them, above them and two words, which, surprisingly made his heart feel just the tiniest bit fuller, even when he hadn’t thought this was possible at all. He guessed that he had needed to hear those words maybe because… his stomach was turning over happily, and there was dizzying intensity around him too, as he felt himself being pulled a little closer.
Nagayan mumbled something, which sounded slightly incoherent, as he opened and closed his eyes quickly, just for a second, to make sure this was actually real, and actually happening, before allowing the warmth to consume him… entirely and completely.
OWARI