Chapter Four...
...huge sigh of relief! I finally finished this chapter! And I have internet at home again! ^___^
Title: Pulse
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Word Count: 9,031
Chapter: 4/5
Warnings: yaoi...angst?
Rating: PG-13 (Though I suspect I will be upping the rating for the final chapter. ^_~)
Disclaimer: No basis in reality. Possible incorrect retelling of events? I'm bad with timelines and stuff like that, so... ^_^
Notes: This takes place sometime in the early spring, a few months after the end of the 4th musical. Thanks so much to everyone for being patient... I moved, and well, pretty much was away from my computer for about a week, and then after that it took me a while to be able to focus on this again, so... ^_~ The next chapter will be the final chapter, and... Thanks for reading! Please comment? ^_^
Many thanks to kooriyoukai and xxalormaixx for reading this a long time ago, and for offering advice and suggestions... I hope it's better now... :)
x-posted to tutixnagayan
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Nagayan let the cool water wash over his face, and tried his best to relax. It really hadn’t taken very long at all for his smile to fade though, now that he was alone with his thoughts. He was even getting used to the coolness of the water, and had decided that it felt almost refreshing. And regardless, he figured, he just couldn’t stop the direction of his thoughts right now. Everything felt wrong, and he really wasn’t sure if there was any way for him to fix it. He had no idea why this seemed to matter so much to him right now anyway- what Tuti thought, all of this.
He just couldn’t get it out of his head though - how embarrassed he was, all the horrible things that Tuti was probably thinking about him right now, the fact that he was likely out of a job for over-sleeping, and how scary it was that he didn’t remember a single thing about last night - all of these things, he realized, were making it impossible for him to relax right now.
Especially Tuti. He kept thinking about Tuti’s good mood on the phone, and how he had probably completely ruined his friend’s night by acting like such an idiot later. Tuti probably couldn’t wait to leave right now, to get away from him. It made it worse, that Nagayan couldn’t remember anything, because it meant that he really had no idea exactly how bad it had been, or how stupidly he had actually acted.
He wondered too what would have happened to him if Tuti hadn’t been there. He remembered being worried for a second, at the bar, about getting home, but he knew that part of him had just been expecting Tuti to come and find him. As if it was Tuti’s responsibility to look after him. He was lucky, he figured, that Tuti hadn’t just left him there.
All of this was just kind of scary. He had gotten carried away, for sure, and part of the reason might have been that he was angry with Tuti, but…he had never expected it to end like this. He had certainly never intended to make himself sick, and he certainly never intended to be left feeling so completely horrible about everything.
Nagayan wondered if he had really screwed up this time too, if he had ruined something with Tuti, something between them, something that had been good…
Because he had been feeling for a while that things were just kind of fragile between them anyway. He realized that for months now he had felt weird, when he saw Tuti, when he didn’t see him, just… weird. Nagayan could tell that Tuti was holding something back from him when they were together, and that he had been for a while. He really wasn’t sure that he wanted to know what that was though, and so… he had pretended not to notice. Something had changed though, right around the time that the musicals had ended and now Nagayan wondered if things would be changing again - if this would end up being the last time Tuti would be calling him for a while.
Tuti hadn’t seemed angry about what had happened, but Nagayan knew him. This was exactly the sort of thing Tuti hated. Even if he laughed and teased him about it, Nagayan was sure that Tuti hated it when he was immature, and moody, and well… He was probably lucky that Tuti was sticking around long enough to have coffee with him, he figured.
And Nagayan couldn’t help but wonder too, how he had acted last night towards Tuti. Because he knew that he had a tendency to gravitate towards his friend, when they were together. For some reason, he always wanted Tuti to notice him, to react to him, even when he could tell that Tuti didn’t like it, and sometimes had no idea how to respond. Tuti always acted like everything was a joke; either that or he was clearly embarrassed and put off by it, which was worse. And Nagayan really had no idea why he always felt like he was fighting for Tuti’s attention anyway. It was stupid, and… he just hoped he hadn’t done anything weird last night.
If he was feeling really brave he might ask Tuti about it later just to make sure, but definitely, he figured, even if he forgot everything else, he was sure he would remember if something had happened with Tuti.
After all, Nagayan remembered everything about their kiss before, and that whole evening, in painstaking detail, even though it had been months ago. He hated that sometimes. If that night was foggy instead, like last night had been, then at least he could try to pretend it had never happened, but…it just wasn’t possible. He could still see it in his mind, and he could feel it. It reminded him of a certain kind of dream, the kind that he could still touch and taste and smell in the morning, even hours later, when the details had faded. Though, in this case, he really would have been more than happy to have the details fade a little. He was aware too, that this was just about the worst thing he could possibly be thinking about right now, but… he couldn’t help it.
**
The moment when he’d decided to do it, he had felt an odd, unexpected rush of excitement in the pit of his stomach. He had grinned, a little too widely probably, and Kimeru had laughed. Nagayan realized then, that maybe Kime hadn’t even been serious about this, but either way he had found himself agreeing without really thinking at all. He ignored the jittery feeling in the pit of his stomach for the rest of the day too, though he knew it was making him laugh a little harder and louder at Tuti’s jokes, and shiver a little more at the soft touches shared between them.
And after the show, things had gone completely according to plan at first. The second the curtain had come down, Tuti had pulled him into a hug, one that lasted longer than usual. Everything was dark, and Nagayan had pressed closer to Tuti, naturally. Tuti’s cheek was warm, and a little sweaty, and he’d had to stand on his toes to reach him. Kime had said his cheek, that a kiss on the cheek would be enough. He had said that Tuti would be completely flustered, and that their point would be made. It would be perfect, because it was Nagayan doing it, and would make for a hilarious story, about how much like his character Tuti had become, but…
There had been a split second where something warm had rushed through Nagayan’s body and had blanked out all of his thoughts. Nagayan was there next to Tuti, and Tuti’s arms were wrapped around his back, he could feel Tuti’s warmth pressing against him through his jersey and all Nagayan could think about was how nice this felt, and how he really had no interest in just kissing Tuti on the cheek, or in proving any point about Tuti liking, or not liking to be touched in public. He could feel Tuti’s breath on his neck and Nagayan had felt the warmth rising from somewhere around his stomach which was fluttering and flopping, and…he just couldn’t control it.
It was just happening, and his fingers were suddenly tingling where they made contact with Tuti’s shoulders and then in another second, everything was tingling, and every part of his body that was touching Tuti was on fire. It was making him dizzy and giddy and he knew he was about to do something really impulsive, and crazy but… he wanted to do it. He couldn’t remember ever wanting something so badly. It was silly. He felt like a kid - irrational and impulsive and overcome by his hormones, or something, but… He wanted to feel Tuti’s lips, he wanted to know how they tasted, how Tuti tasted. It was crazy, he knew. But he had that cloudy feeling, almost like he was drunk, and everything was just blending together, but he also knew, very coherently, that he wanted this. To claim Tuti like this, here, now. This was what he had wanted for a long time maybe.
And then Nagayan had suddenly forgotten where they were, had forgotten that this was inappropriate, and even when this thought surfaced for a moment in the back of his mind he knew that he still had no intention of stopping.
Nagayan was surprised when Tuti’s lips parted immediately at the touch of his tongue, and when he felt a little of his own urgency echoed back to him in this gesture from his friend.
Tuti’s tongue sliding against his had been warm and wet, and Nagayan had been surprised because he had tasted like a lot of things at once. It was kind of overwhelming at first, but then he figured maybe it had just been a while since he’d paid so much attention to the inside of someone else’s mouth like this.
The one thing Nagayan could pinpoint was mint, and Nagayan knew that Tuti brushed his teeth before going onstage, but thought that it was strange, that he could still taste it now, and he wondered if Tuti had brushed again during intermission, or if maybe it was some kind of breath mint. Nagayan was reminded too that Tuti smoked because he could taste the staleness of cigarettes, lurking in the corners here and there and Nagayan found himself wondering, like he always did, exactly how much Tuti smoked. He really had no idea, because Tuti was really good about not smoking around him. He couldn’t even remember actually telling Tuti that he was allergic either. Maybe Tuti had just assumed. He remembered thinking all these things in seemingly the same instant, which he knew was strange. Somehow his brain and all of his senses must have been working overtime, because Nagayan knew that he was never this observant.
Tuti’s tongue had flicked over his teeth too and had pressed and pushed against the walls of his mouth with an agility that had honestly surprised Nagayan. He remembered making a noise, a moan that he could feel echoed in the deep cavity of Tuti’s mouth, and he remembered also thinking that he should be embarrassed, but that he just didn’t care if Tuti knew how turned on he was.
And then Nagayan had felt Tuti’s hands on his chest, and it had felt good for a second, until he realized what was happening, and that he was being pushed away. In another second the lights had come on and Tuti was gone.
And he had been so angry in that instant. That Tuti had left him like that, in that state, when he was so turned on, and so happy. He had felt so good and then there was just… nothing.
He was hurt too because he had known, in that instant before Tuti had pushed him away, that he wouldn’t have cared if the entire cast had seen them. If the audience, if the whole world had seen, Nagayan wouldn’t have cared. If it was inappropriate, even if it put his career in jeopardy, even if they would never, ever live it down, and even if they never did it again - none of that would have mattered at all.
And it wasn’t that it was weird between them afterwards, it was just that nothing was different at all. And this felt empty and wrong, even though he knew there was no reason for him to feel this way about something that was supposed to be a joke to begin with, something that he hadn’t had a single expectation about going in.
Even though he hadn’t seemed angry, Nagayan knew that Tuti should have been joking about this, teasing him, and when he wasn’t, and he had started to wonder. If maybe Tuti was angry, or if maybe he had just been turned off by the whole thing.
They had been at the bar, and Tuti still hadn’t said anything at all, and he knew that he shouldn’t have brought it up, but it just kind of slipped out. He hadn’t meant it to sound like he was angry either, but he knew that what he said had been mean, and that Tuti knew that he was only mean like this when he was hurt or angry.
They had argued a little then, in their usual joking way, but that had hurt too. Tuti had laughed at Nagayan’s remark about his kissing, and then, appropriately, had asked him if he made out with all his friends like that. Then he said that the least Nagayan could have done was warn him first. Nagayan had been surprised, even though he figured that he completely deserved this, and that he had started it anyway. Tuti was always quick to counter anything Nagayan had to say, after all.
But it had hurt, to hear Tuti joke about this, and after a while he had just walked away.
Nagayan hated how this left him feeling though, and for some reason it seemed like it would be easier to forget about this if he could just sit down with Tuti and talk normally. About other things - anything. And suddenly, forgetting that this had happened seemed really important. Kime had prompted him a little too, saying that Tuti looked sad, and Nagayan had glanced over, feeling something ache inside of him at the look on Tuti’s face.
So he’d resorted to just being completely obvious. Dragging Tuti off, demanding his attention. Because right then he had needed Tuti. He had needed Tuti next to him. Just for that night, and then Nagayan told himself he would never think about any of this again, unless Tuti brought it up.
Nagayan had been grateful for how quickly his friend had agreed to sit with him, and grateful too that he had talked to him, without a trace of anything other than genuine interest, for the rest of the evening. He had felt close to Tuti, for some reason, even though neither of them had brought up what had happened at all. It still felt ok. As long as he just didn’t think about it, Nagayan had told himself, it seemed like it would be ok.
But the problem was that he had thought about it. A lot. Kind of like how he was thinking about it right now. Thinking about it so much that he could feel it and taste it and…
Nagayan heard a knock on the bathroom door.
“Just a second… gomen…” Nagayan hastily turned off the water, realizing he had probably been in the shower forever, and that Tuti was probably getting worried. He stepped out of the shower reaching for his towel, but realized after a second that it wasn’t there. He grumbled a little at this, and at the fact that he was dripping all over the bathroom, almost slipping on the tiled floor as he stepped out.
“I thought you might have needed something, I…” Tuti had opened the door about halfway, and was staring at him from the doorway. “Gomen…”
Nagayan blinked, wondering why Tuti was giving him such a strange look.“Tuti?”
Tuti looked at him, raising his eyebrows slightly, clearly trying not to look uncomfortable.
“Towel?” Nagayan asked the question automatically, even though he knew Tuti wouldn’t really be able to help him.
His friend looked around, appropriately puzzled.
“Never mind. I’ll get it.” Nagayan fumbled with the door to the cabinet in the bathroom, and reached back, feeling along the wood with his hand, hoping to find something. He sighed when he realized that the shelf was empty. “I just moved in so I keep forgetting where everything is,” he explained, feeling a little silly.
“Didn’t you move in over a month ago?” Tuti had cleared his throat before speaking, and Nagayan wasn’t sure if it made things better or worse, this dialogue they were having.
“Well, yeah, but… I’ve been busy,” he replied a little lamely.
Nagayan was suddenly feeling a lot more awake now. Even though he really had no problem at all with walking around his own house like this, the fact that he could tell that Tuti was embarrassed was making him feel weird and he was sure he was turning red. This was unfortunately something he found really unnerving without any clothes on. Nagayan waited impatiently for Tuti to move away from the doorway, which he finally did after an awkward pause.
Nagayan thankfully found a towel in the hall closet, and wrapped it around himself before heading down the hall to his bedroom.
“You’re welcome to use the bathroom,” he said without turning around, hoping that he didn’t sound as stupid as he felt.
Nagayan closed the door to his bedroom behind him, not waiting for Tuti’s response. After a second he heard the hall closet door close with a click. A few seconds later he heard the shower water start up again.
**
Nagayan took a while getting dressed, even though all he was putting on was pajama pants and a tank top, partly because he was waiting for Tuti to get out of the shower, to avoid any other embarrassing experiences, and partly because he was still really tired, and everything just seemed to be taking longer than usual. He had uncharacteristically grabbed the first thing he came across, figuring that Tuti might even be pleased, since his friend had a habit of teasing him about his well-planned fashion sense. Tuti couldn’t really make fun of his most worn (and therefore most comfortable) pair of plain grey cotton pants, and well… maybe he wouldn’t like the shirt? But whatever… Nagayan knew his friend just liked to make fun of him for putting English words like ‘shining’ on his designs when he knew that Nagayan didn’t speak more than a few words of the language. This one should be safe though, he figured. Blossam wasn’t even a real English word anyway…
He heard the shower stop after a few minutes, and listened for a second. After he heard the door open, and Tuti’s footsteps move down the hallway, he ran the towel over his hair for a few seconds before taking a deep breath, and opened his door.
The hallway was empty, but there was a strong smell of coffee drifting through the air that Nagayan hadn’t noticed before. Tuti was in the kitchen, from the sounds of things clinking around, and Nagayan poked his head around the corner tentatively. Tuti smiled when he noticed him.
“Feeling better?” He asked as he slid a mug over to Nagayan, reaching diagonally across the small table as they both sat down.
“Mostly,” Nagayan said, nodding. “And, look, I’m wearing clothes now, and I’m clean, so… Nothing to worry about, ok?” Nagayan wondered sometimes if he didn’t do this just because it was easier than thinking about certain other things when they were together. Either way, he couldn’t help it.
He laughed at the look of feigned surprise on Tuti’s face. “I’m just kidding,” Nagayan said, and then gave Tuti a slightly mischievous look, “I know you enjoyed it.”
Tuti was glaring at him, looking like he was using a lot of restraint to avoid reaching over to his side and hitting Nagayan right now, which for some reason made Nagayan laugh a little more. “Gomen, gomen, Tuti,” he said after a second, forcing himself to stop laughing.
Nagayan watched, as Tuti shrugged, having regained his composure, “Don’t stop on my account. After all, I’m just glad to see you doing something other than hovering over a toilet.” And his friend shot him a slightly sadistic smile, which Nagayan returned, figuring that this comment had been completely deserved on his part.
He was surprised too though, because he was feeling a lot more comfortable around Tuti than he thought he would be right now. He studied his friend as he sipped his coffee, and watched as Tuti studied him back, raising his eyebrows in curiosity for a second.
Nagayan lifted his mug to his lips again, and then set it down quickly, as he had a thought. “So when you talked to Hashimoto-san, did he say for me to call him or what? Was he going to reschedule?”
Tuti shook his head. “No, he just said he would check in with you tomorrow, and that he would explain the situation to the people at the magazine.”
Nagayan sighed. “He’s going to kill me.”
Tuti laughed. “You know he did argue a little at first, and tried get me to put you on the phone? But when I told him you had just gotten back from the hospital, I really think he believed me.”
Nagayan frowned at first, and then felt a smile creep across his face, as he imagined how this conversation must have unfolded, with Tuti playing his role perfectly - the friend of an unwilling victim of food-poisoning. “Well, I’m sure you were convincing, even though I know I’ll hear about this later anyway.”
“Of course I was convincing.” Tuti grinned and then paused for a second. “You know, you probably were sick enough to go to the hospital though, so I don’t think it was even that much of an exaggeration,” Tuti said, lowering his eyes at Nagayan a little.
Nagayan frowned at this, and pushed the mug of coffee away from him, because it seemed a little gross to him right now. His stomach was starting to feel weird again too, as he remembered being sick earlier. He folded his arms in front of him on the table, and gave Tuti a sideways glance, still curious about what exactly had happened, “So was I just sick all night?”
“Pretty much…”
Nagayan’s tried to imagine this, but couldn’t really. “What did you do? I mean, it must have been gross,” he said, frowning again.
“Gross? Well, yeah, it was I guess. But like I said, mostly I was just worried.” Tuti paused, “And I really didn’t do much, aside from just making sure you didn’t pass out.”
“I’m sorry,” Nagayan said, feeling a little uncomfortable. “I’m really glad you were around though,” he said honestly. “I don’t know how many people would have done that for me, so…thanks.”
“I’m glad I was around too, and anyway… I really didn’t mind.” And then Tuti smiled, “So stop worrying,” he finished.
Nagayan averted Tuti’s eyes though, and said quietly, “I’m still really embarrassed.” Then he laughed nervously, “See? I can’t even look at you!”
Tuti chuckled a little. “You’re embarrassed? What about me? What am I supposed to tell my friends?”
Nagayan laughed, and then thought about what Tuti had said earlier. “Well, if I was making out with everyone at the table like you said, then it seems like they shouldn’t be complaining too much right?”
Nagayan regretted the words the second they were out of his mouth. He could feel his face getting a little warm as he searched his mind for a way to take this back. It was a bad habit, joking around with Tuti so much all the time. But Tuti was already raising his eyebrows at him.
“Making out? Who said anything about that? Your friend from the bar, maybe?” Tuti was laughing.
“Yeah, right,” Nagayan glared at his friend, because for some reason he realized that it hurt a little to hear him say that.
“What do you mean, ‘Yeah right?’” And Tuti raised his eyebrows again, though suddenly Nagayan wasn’t sure if Tuti was completely joking about this.
“I can’t help it if someone wants to buy me drinks…” Nagayan grumbled. He thought he should probably say something else but he really didn’t like talking about this. Especially with Tuti.
“I know, I know,” Tuti said, but sounded almost annoyed, despite the amused look on his face. “I’m just kidding.”
Nagayan stared at Tuti, his eyes flashing. “Besides, I told you I don’t act like that when I’m drunk,” he said.
“And I told you last night must have been an exception,” Tuti said quickly, raising his eyebrows again.
Tuti was smiling, and had been this whole time, but… somehow Nagayan had the feeling that he was being baited for something, which was weird, because this was Tuti, and even though they joked around a lot, Nagayan didn’t like thinking Tuti would try to manipulate him.
“What’s that supposed to mean, Tuti,” he said defensively.
“Takashi, I’m kidding.”
“Well, it doesn’t sound like it,” Nagayan frowned a little, and tried not to sound like his feelings were hurt, even though they were, because he really didn’t like feeling as if Tuti was keeping something from him. He looked at Tuti and tried again, unsuccessfully, to read his expression. “And I can tell you’re thinking about something,” he added, his mouth twisting into an unconscious pout.
And suddenly Tuti’s voice lowered, and he didn’t seem amused any more. “I said I was kidding.”
Nagayan stared down at the table. “I just meant that I wanted you to tell me… if I did anything weird, that’s all.”
There was a long pause, as Tuti appeared to be weighing something in his mind. Nagayan watched him as he took a deep breath, and wondered why he was suddenly a little scared of what Tuti was going to say. “You didn’t do anything embarrassing, ok?”
Tuti’s voice sounded strange though, and Nagayan still had the distinct impression that his friend was leaving something out. It seemed silly to push him anymore though. Besides, Nagayan wasn’t in any mood to argue with Tuti right now.
“Well, good…” Nagayan said, still frowning.
“Nothing happened with me either, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
Nagayan gasped loudly. “I didn’t say anything about that!”
“But you were thinking it.” It was somewhere between a statement and a question, and Tuti’s eyes were deep and dark, but still completely unreadable.
“I wasn’t,” Nagayan protested, swallowing hard. He had no idea what Tuti trying to do here, but… his friend was being pretty bold, if this was supposed to be some kind of joke. Then he realized something. “Were you?”
There was a long pause, and Nagayan was left wondering why his voice had sounded so nervous and breathy just then, and wondering why the hell he had just asked that too. He was trying to think of a way to take it back without sounding completely crazy, when Tuti said, simply, quietly, and with just the slightest hint of a catch in his voice, “Sure, I was.”
Nagayan stopped breathing for a second, but before he knew it, his mouth was open, and he was reacting, nervously, sarcastically, because he really didn’t know what else to do. “You were thinking about me being drunk and throwing myself at you? That’s nice, Tuti. I appreciate that.”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Just drop it, ok,” Nagayan told him, turning his head away.
“Takashi.” He said it so matter-of-factly; Nagayan was confused, and forgot about how nervous Tuti was making him for a second.
“What?” His head turned back quickly and he raised his eyes at Tuti.
“Don’t you want to know what I meant?” And Tuti’s tone of voice had changed again. Nagayan wasn’t sure how he could sound almost vulnerable like this, and still be asking such a bold question. He also wasn’t sure how this conversation had taken this turn…
“I don’t know,” Nagayan said honestly, though he was sure that Tuti had already decided anyway.
“What I meant is that I think about kissing you sometimes.”
Nagayan shook his head, refusing to acknowledge what he was hearing. “Don’t joke about that, ok Tuti?”
“I’m not joking.”
Nagayan felt his heart skip a few beats, as he allowed himself to entertain the possibility that Tuti was telling him the truth. But then he shook his head again. “That really doesn’t make any sense.”
Tuti stared at him, seeming confused at first, but after a second, his expression had changed, and he seemed almost frustrated. “Why? Because I didn’t know how to react in front of the whole cast? What did you expect me to do?”
“I don’t know.” Nagayan frowned a little, ignoring the voice in the back of his head that was telling him that he needed to stop this discussion right now.
“I thought it was a joke. I thought you were making fun of me.” And then Nagayan was surprised, because Tuti was looking at him, with an urgency that he really wasn’t used to seeing from his friend. “What? It wasn’t?” Tuti was saying, and Nagayan was surprised again because Tuti was starting to raise his voice. “It sure sounded that way later.”
And it was strange, because Nagayan really couldn’t tell if his friend was angry, or upset, or something different all together.
Nagayan wasn’t sure how he felt right now either though. He wasn’t sure if he was embarrassed, or angry with himself, or angry with Tuti for bringing this up right now, when he really hadn’t been expecting it, but the end result was that he had absolutely no idea what to say. Even though he knew that this was probably his best chance right now, to resolve this, he was just… speechless. He tried anyway though, even though he knew what came out probably wouldn’t make much sense.
“I…I really didn’t mean for it to seem that way…” He tentatively snuck a glance at Tuti, who was staring somewhere past him now, obviously avoiding looking at him. Suddenly Nagayan felt his face getting warm as a rush of panic washed over him. This really wasn’t supposed to happen like this. He could hear the words catching in his throat as he tried to get them out. “Are you angry?”
Tuti just shook his head, but made no move to look at him.
Nagayan shifted uncomfortably, trying to figure out some way to fix this right now. There were a million things running through his mind that he wanted to say, but… “Tuti, I really didn’t mean to make you feel like I was making fun of you. I would never do that.”
And now Tuti was looking at him, seeming amused and slightly bitter at the same time, which was unnerving. “Takashi, you make fun of me all the time.”
“I know… but…” Nagayan felt himself biting his bottom lip, even though he knew that this made him look silly. “Not with something like that.”
“So what are you saying then?”
Nagayan felt his whole body go still for a second. His heart, his breath, everything seemed to have stopped when Tuti focused his attention on him.
“I don’t know,” he heard himself say quietly, though he barely recognized his voice.
And then Tuti said his name again, this time with a mixture of intensity and vulnerability that sent a shiver down Nagayan’s spine, causing him to sit up strait in the chair, and turn his head a little so that he could level his eyes at Tuti. His blood was pumping again too; he could feel it in his chest and in his temples. He took a deep breath, and tried to relax, even though he knew that this was impossible with Tuti staring at him like this.
“What?” Nagayan said finally, shifting uncomfortably in his chair, and trying to ignore the fact that his body felt really strange, almost as if it wasn’t really connected to him anymore, even though he was acutely aware that his heart was pounding hard. He that he should probably say something else, but…thankfully Tuti was talking again.
“I know this isn’t the best time to talk about this,” Tuti paused for a moment, still studying him. “But just tell me, honestly…” His friend’s voice was quiet, and he sounded nervous. “If it was a joke, that’s ok, just… tell me the truth.”
It hurt to hear Tuti say this, because Nagayan realized now that Tuti must have been thinking this all along. And Nagayan really didn’t know why everything always ended up this way with them- as some kind of joke. Even this conversation - the reason it was so hard was because he had no idea how to talk to Tuti like this, or how to bring anything up without laughing about it after a minute. And right now this approach just seemed… wrong.
“It wasn’t a joke,” Nagayan started, figuring that he really had to say this now, if he was ever going to. “It kind of started out that way, but…”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, Kime said…” And Nagayan could hear Tuti sigh at the mention of his friend, and he almost smiled, “He said that I should try something, just to see what you would do, how you would react. You know, just… a kiss on the cheek, something stupid like that. Because we were talking about it at lunch, you know?”
Tuti nodded and laughed a little nervously.
“But… I couldn’t do it as a joke.” Nagayan’s voice broke off, as he tried to think of how he could possibly explain how he had felt. He wanted to be honest, but… he wasn’t sure how much Tuti wanted to hear, or how much he wanted to say, really. “When I was close to you… I…”
“What?” Tuti asked after a few seconds, his voice quiet and almost incredulous.
Nagayan took a deep breath. “Nothing, just… It was nice, you know? It made me feel really good.”
“Really?” Tuti asked quietly, and Nagayan just nodded, ignoring the look of disbelief on Tuti’s face, because he wanted to finish and he was afraid if he waited too long he would lose his nerve.
“But then I thought you were embarrassed. Or angry. I didn’t know what to say. I tried to talk to you, but… I don’t know.” Nagayan shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. “What did you think?” he finished.
He watched anxiously as Tuti took a deep breath. He wished Tuti would just look at him or something…
“Well, at first I tried not to think anything. But… then later…” Tuti’s voice trailed off and he let out a nervous laugh.
“What?” Nagayan prompted, feeling a little slighted. He sighed impatiently. “Come on, Tuti… That’s not fair.”
Tuti laughed and shifted a little in his chair. He let out a long breath and glanced at Nagayan. “Well, later, I realized that it made me feel really good too. That even if it was a joke, and even if you made fun of me later, for enjoying it…” Tuti stopped for a second, and took a long look at Nagayan. “I realized that I wanted to do it again.”
There was a long pause, and Nagayan knew he should probably be reacting to this, but all he could think of was how confused he was. “I don’t understand,” he said honestly. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
Tuti shrugged. “I guess I was just scared. You’re kind of intimidating when it comes to stuff like that.”
Nagayan thought about this for a second, still confused. “You’re crazy,” he said quietly. “How could you be intimidated by me?”
“I don’t know. You’re pretty aloof, when you want to be.”
“And that’s intimidating?”
“A little, yeah. I don’t know. I guess I was just being stupid.”
Nagayan nodded, and smiled a little. He was sure he should step back and consider this, what they had just said, but…
“Thanks,” Tuti said and laughed for a second, before everything was quiet again. “So how do we resolve this?”
“Resolve what?”
“Well, now you know that I want to kiss you again, so…”
Then Tuti looked at him as if he was waiting for something.
“Forget it,” Nagayan said, not sure why he suddenly felt the need to at least try and regain some of the upper hand here, since he saw an opening. He felt bad immediately though when Tuti looked a little hurt, and then confused.
“Forget it,” Nagayan said again, a little less forcefully. Though he tried to keep his face looking stubborn, he was sure he was inviting Tuti as much as he could right now, with his eyes. He had just realized what was probably about to happen, and how much he wanted it to happen, and he could feel himself practically shaking. “I’m not going to beg you,” he said. “If you want to kiss me, you’ll just have to do it.”
The smile spread across Tuti’s face, before he laughed, and then everything was quiet again. Suddenly Nagayan felt completely exposed. He swallowed hard, and tried to be patient, even though he was starting to feel a little lightheaded with anticipation. Tuti moved closer, until his face was just a few inches away from Nagayan’s.
“Wait,” Tuti said suddenly, and leaned back for a second, forcing Nagayan to ask breathlessly, “What?”
“You brushed your teeth, right? After, well… you know…” And then Tuti laughed, nervously. “I’m kidding, sorry!”
Nagayan rolled his eyes, and was about to try to come up with something really mean to come back with, even though he was actually a little relieved that Tuti had broken some of the tension just then. He really wasn’t sure what to expect next, but suddenly everything seemed to go completely still.
Tuti’s fingers brushed across his wrist, and Nagayan could feel his face getting warm. Any possibility of saying anything had been erased from his mind too, as Tuti’s fingers curled around his hand, just grazing his palm on the other side. A flicker of electricity moved through Nagayan’s body.
He blinked slowly, as Tuti’s fingers gripped his hand tightly for a second and then started to move up his arm a little, a ghost of a touch at first, until they came to rest just before the crook of his elbow. Nagayan closed his eyes, since the room had started to spin a little. He was searching for something to hold onto, and focus on, and settled on the point of warm contact on his arm. Then he could feel Tuti moving closer, and he strained to feel his friend’s warmth and his breath, realizing that being close to Tuti like this felt surprisingly familiar and exciting at the same time.
Finally the distance between them was gone, and he could feel the warm breath against his cheek, before Tuti’s lips pressed against his. It was another point of contact that was soft and warm, but now Nagayan had forgotten that he had been trying to hold onto something. Getting carried away seemed inevitable at this point anyway. Tuti’s fingers had come to rest on his shoulder now, and he shivered a little, as he felt a finger slide under the edge of his shirt, just before allowing his lips to part at the touch of Tuti’s tongue.
Nagayan recognized the intensity the second their tongues touched, but at the same time, this kiss felt a little deeper, and a little more passionate, to the point where Nagayan found himself wondering just how much Tuti had thought about this. Because he knew from experience that when someone kissed him like this, it meant that they had been thinking about it for a really, really long time. It wasn’t until Nagayan realized he was kissing Tuti back with the exact same reckless abandon, that he realized how good this really was, and how much he didn’t want to stop.
He wondered now if maybe Tuti had already made up for everything that had happened last night, just with this kiss. Or maybe this was how he was making up for ruining Tuti’s evening… Either way, it was good. Really good.
Nagayan paused to catch his breath after a minute, taking in a long, shuddering breath that almost made him laugh when he realized how fast his heart was pounding and how he was almost shaking, still. He shivered a little when Tuti brushed away a strand of hair from his forehead affectionately, and smiled at him.
“You ok?” Tuti asked, and Nagayan smiled, realizing that Tuti was out of breath too.
“Ok?” Nagayan laughed. “Yeah, I’m fine, I-”
But Tuti was kissing him again, and Nagayan wasn’t sure why he had been taken by surprise. And then there was no reason to think anything anymore, because he was just lost.
He was aware after a while, of getting up and following Tuti somewhere, but he didn’t realize that they were on the couch until he actually felt his back meet with the soft cushions. He sunk into the softness feeling a little dizzy. He was moving in a kind of daze, and wondered how much of it was his lingering hangover, and how much of it was Tuti.
After another minute, Nagayan happily wriggled out of his shirt, at what he swore had been a prompt from Tuti, and pouted when Tuti laughed at him as he raised his eyebrows and glanced down at Nagayan’s bare chest. Fine, Tuti could keep his shirt on then, Nagayan was thinking. The important thing was how good he knew it would feel to have Tuti’s hands on his bare skin… He didn’t really care how eager he looked right now, anyway.
Tuti kissed away his pout quickly, and after a few seconds Nagayan realized that he really couldn’t wait anymore.
“Mmm… Tuti…touch me…” Normally he would have made a point not to sound so…desperate, but he really didn’t know if he could wait anymore.
Tuti’s finger was tracing the length of his collarbone lightly, and just this contact was melting away all of Nagayan’s inhibitions, as the tingling sensation spread down his arms and across his chest. That, and it was driving him completely crazy. It was as if something had been building up inside of him without his even realizing it, and now that Tuti was here… he just couldn’t help it. He wondered if somewhere along the line he’d given up on Tuti, even as a friend, and so now, for something like this to happen was just that much more unexpected and exciting.
Because it wasn’t as if he’d ever had any actual plans to pursue Tuti. Nagayan rarely, if ever, made the first move with anyone. Normally he enjoyed being the one who was pursued, and he really, really did not like having to chase after people. But he couldn’t deny that it seemed like that had been exactly what he had done with Tuti though. Even with their friendship now, Nagayan realized that he really had actively sought ways to maintain contact with his friend. After all, when he’d heard about an opportunity to work with Tuti again later in the summer, he had jumped at the chance.
Nagayan knew that he had closed off something inside of him though, after what had happened backstage. And that he had convinced himself that if he could just not think about it like Tuti obviously did not want to think about it, then he could just pretend it had never happened.
And it had worked for a while. Nagayan figured he could convince himself of anything if he wanted to, but …now what? Now he was writhing around on his couch half naked, completely turned on, to the point where he could barely see Tuti’s face through the huge cloud of lust that he felt hovering between them right now, and… and he needed to stop.
This thought rang loud and clear through his mind at that moment. Not because he didn’t want to do this with Tuti, but maybe for that very reason. Maybe because he wanted this so badly, he felt like there had to be a catch. Tuti was his friend, he was a guy, and this was something he had to think about, something he should think about.
“Tuti…” Nagayan tried to control his voice, but the word came out as a moan anyway, because Tuti’s hands had moved to his chest, and he was teasing him, clearly enjoying watching Nagayan squirm around, as he lightly brushed a finger across one nipple and then the other.
Tuti paused for a second, and Nagayan took this opportunity to force himself into a sitting position, backing up a little, so that he was facing Tuti.
“Tuti…” he said again, still breathless, and frowned at the expression on Tuti’s face as he fumbled for his shirt on the floor, and worked his way back into it, while still trying to hold Tuti’s gaze. “Stop looking at me like that, ok?”
“Takashi…”
“What? You think we should just do this right now? And then what?”
Tuti was silent for a moment before he said, quietly, “I never-“
“Never what?” Suddenly, and Nagayan wasn’t sure why, he was feeling really defensive. It seemed weird, this whole situation right now. He didn’t know how to be like this with Tuti, or how to listen to Tuti talk about this.
And he just didn’t trust himself, feeling like he had a second ago. Maybe because it had been a long time since he had felt like this - completely overcome by his emotions, and his desire, to the point where he was no longer thinking clearly. And it felt weird, to be like that with Tuti. He just didn’t feel like himself either, his stomach was turning over uneasily, and he just didn’t want to do this right now…He could tell that Tuti was really confused though, and he wondered what he should do, how he should explain this.
He sighed, wondering why Tuti was still looking at him all serious and wounded.
“Takashi, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I just…” Nagayan’s head was starting to hurt again, and he knew he probably sounded crazy, trying to explain his logic right now. He was frustrated because this was one of the times that he just wanted Tuti to understand, in that weird way of his, and it didn’t seem to be happening. “I don’t know.”
“I know that this is kind of strange, we don’t have to-”
“It’s not strange! I want to… It’s just…”
Tuti studied him for a long moment, before he said, softly, “Trust me, I think I know how you feel.”
Nagayan glanced at him, curious, and a little confused.
“I’m scared too, ok?” Tuti finished.
Nagayan felt his face getting hot, maybe because Tuti had touched on something he really didn’t want to admit to feeling right now. Because he was scared, he realized. Even with Tuti. He was scared of feeling this way, maybe especially of feeling this way with Tuti, and… This really was not something he felt like talking about right now.
“Just leave me alone, Tuti, ok?”
Nagayan blinked several times and tried to calm down. He closed his eyes, and then opened them almost immediately again because he could literally feel the weight of Tuti’s stare.
“I’m sorry.” Tuti’s tone was noticeably milder than it had been a second ago. “I’m not even sure what’s going on right now, but…” He paused for a second, looking concerned. “How do you feel? Is your head ok?”
Nagayan looked at Tuti for a second, until he realized that also had no idea, what was going on, what he was doing, what they were doing. He felt like he was acting crazy too, and he was a little embarrassed.
“I’m fine,” Nagayan said quietly, realizing that his head felt ok now that most of his anxiety had faded. “I’m just kind of out of it, I guess. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. Don’t worry.”
And then to his surprise, Tuti leaned over to kiss him, hesitantly. Nagayan was relieved because he could feel Tuti relax when he relaxed, as they both allowed the kiss to deepen a little. It felt so natural too, the feel of Tuti lips on his, and Tuti’s arm sliding around his waist and pulling him closer. He was getting used to this, he realized. Tuti broke the contact after a second though, pulling Nagayan up from the couch with him by his arm as he stood up. Nagayan looked at him, confused.
“You’re tired,” Tuti explained. “And I have to go soon,” he finished, sounding apologetic.
Nagayan nodded, realizing that his throat and his chest were feeling tight now, and realizing too how much he hated hearing Tuti say that he had to leave right now.
They walked back to the bedroom, and Nagayan found himself allowing Tuti to support him, just a little, even though he knew that this was not at all necessary.
“You have rehearsal?” Nagayan tried to say this without allowing his voice to shake, and watched his friend nod. He really didn’t want Tuti to leave, but knew that this was silly.
They both sat down on the bed, and Tuti looked at his watch, and then at Nagayan. “It’s only until ten…” Tuti paused, seeming to consider something. “Do you want to get some food after that? It’ll be late, but…”
Nagayan found himself smiling. “No performance tonight?”
Tuti shook his head.
“Well, I probably wouldn’t mind getting out of this apartment later.” Nagayan smiled a little wider because of the look of relief on Tuti’s face, mostly because he was relieved too. “Where should I meet you?”
“Well, you do live in a nice neighborhood now, remember? I could probably just come over here after?” Tuti smiled, and somehow, something in that smile made Nagayan glow a little inside.
“That’s true.” Nagayan said, and heard a laugh escape from his lips. “Well, just call me when you’re on your way.”
“So you can drag yourself out of bed?”
“I hope not! But you never know.”
“I think you’ll feel better after you get some more rest.”
Nagayan nodded. “Yeah, so go away already, alright?” And he laughed, and then, because he couldn’t help it, he flopped backwards on the bed and stretched. He would feel a little lazy if he ended up sleeping all day and all night, but… well, what else was there to do on his self-imposed day off anyway? He smiled, though it wasn’t really very funny. He was grateful again, all the sudden, that Tuti had been here, that Tuti was still here. He was grateful for a lot of things, he realized.
“I did thank you before, right?” Nagayan said, trying to suppress a yawn.
Tuti pretended to think about this, “Well, let’s see, you apologized, a few times, then you-“
“You…” Nagayan pointed up at Tuti from where he was still lying on his back, “…can stop right there!”
They both laughed for a few seconds, until Nagayan realized he was starting to feel nauseous again, and he frowned, wondering how long this stupid hangover was going to last.
“Tuti…” Nagayan whined after a second, as he moved back a little, rolling over onto his side and reached for his pillow, pulling it towards himself, as he watched Tuti raise an amused eyebrow at him as he stood up from the bed. “I hate being sick…”
“Well, when you’re an irresponsible drunk who-ouch!” Tuti rubbed his arm and looked at Nagayan and then at the floor, laughing. “What the hell did you just throw at me? Are you crazy?”
Nagayan was laughing into his pillow at the surprised look on Tuti’s face. He had grabbed the first thing within reach, passing over his cell phone in a brief moment of clarity and deciding on a half full water bottle, which thankfully, had the cap securely tightened.
Tuti was laughing too, but stopped when Nagayan groaned, and closed his eyes, pulling his knees toward his chest.
“You really need to leave before you make me puke again.”
“Hai, hai, I can take a hint.”
“No, you can’t,” Nagayan said quickly, and tried to look serious, instead of silly and sick at the same time like he felt.
.
Tuti just smiled. “So, do you need anything before I go?”
Nagayan shook his head. “Thanks, though,” he added.
Tuti nodded, and turned to go. “It’ll probably be almost eleven or so before I get back over here.”
“Well if I don’t pick up my phone you know where to find me.” Nagayan laughed. He looked at Tuti, and at the expression on his face, and knew immediately that they had both been thinking the same thing. “And yeah, that probably is an invitation,” Nagayan winked and watched Tuti give him his best look of fake shock and embarrassment, before turning away, and crossing the room.
“Have fun,” Nagayan said, yawning, and squinted at Tuti’s back before closing his eyes, seeing no real reason to keep them open anymore. He wasn’t sure why he was so tired either, since the day was already more than half over and all he had done was sleep.
“You too…” came Tuti’s response, but Nagayan barely heard him or the soft click of the door, as he closed it behind him.
Nagayan was sure that he should have said something else, or that at the very least he should have actually thanked Tuti, but right now, he really couldn’t think about anything except how good it felt to have his eyes closed in the darkness. Though he couldn’t deny that part of him felt a little lonely without Tuti, even now. That was something he could deal with later though he figured, as he allowed sleep to pull him in, grateful for the darkness of the room, and for the fact that aside from this hint of lingering loneliness he was mostly calm and warm and happy, for what felt like the first time in a really long time.
**
Title: Pulse
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Word Count: 9,031
Chapter: 4/5
Warnings: yaoi...angst?
Rating: PG-13 (Though I suspect I will be upping the rating for the final chapter. ^_~)
Disclaimer: No basis in reality. Possible incorrect retelling of events? I'm bad with timelines and stuff like that, so... ^_^
Notes: This takes place sometime in the early spring, a few months after the end of the 4th musical. Thanks so much to everyone for being patient... I moved, and well, pretty much was away from my computer for about a week, and then after that it took me a while to be able to focus on this again, so... ^_~ The next chapter will be the final chapter, and... Thanks for reading! Please comment? ^_^
Many thanks to kooriyoukai and xxalormaixx for reading this a long time ago, and for offering advice and suggestions... I hope it's better now... :)
x-posted to tutixnagayan
( 1 ) ( 2 ) ( 3 )
Nagayan let the cool water wash over his face, and tried his best to relax. It really hadn’t taken very long at all for his smile to fade though, now that he was alone with his thoughts. He was even getting used to the coolness of the water, and had decided that it felt almost refreshing. And regardless, he figured, he just couldn’t stop the direction of his thoughts right now. Everything felt wrong, and he really wasn’t sure if there was any way for him to fix it. He had no idea why this seemed to matter so much to him right now anyway- what Tuti thought, all of this.
He just couldn’t get it out of his head though - how embarrassed he was, all the horrible things that Tuti was probably thinking about him right now, the fact that he was likely out of a job for over-sleeping, and how scary it was that he didn’t remember a single thing about last night - all of these things, he realized, were making it impossible for him to relax right now.
Especially Tuti. He kept thinking about Tuti’s good mood on the phone, and how he had probably completely ruined his friend’s night by acting like such an idiot later. Tuti probably couldn’t wait to leave right now, to get away from him. It made it worse, that Nagayan couldn’t remember anything, because it meant that he really had no idea exactly how bad it had been, or how stupidly he had actually acted.
He wondered too what would have happened to him if Tuti hadn’t been there. He remembered being worried for a second, at the bar, about getting home, but he knew that part of him had just been expecting Tuti to come and find him. As if it was Tuti’s responsibility to look after him. He was lucky, he figured, that Tuti hadn’t just left him there.
All of this was just kind of scary. He had gotten carried away, for sure, and part of the reason might have been that he was angry with Tuti, but…he had never expected it to end like this. He had certainly never intended to make himself sick, and he certainly never intended to be left feeling so completely horrible about everything.
Nagayan wondered if he had really screwed up this time too, if he had ruined something with Tuti, something between them, something that had been good…
Because he had been feeling for a while that things were just kind of fragile between them anyway. He realized that for months now he had felt weird, when he saw Tuti, when he didn’t see him, just… weird. Nagayan could tell that Tuti was holding something back from him when they were together, and that he had been for a while. He really wasn’t sure that he wanted to know what that was though, and so… he had pretended not to notice. Something had changed though, right around the time that the musicals had ended and now Nagayan wondered if things would be changing again - if this would end up being the last time Tuti would be calling him for a while.
Tuti hadn’t seemed angry about what had happened, but Nagayan knew him. This was exactly the sort of thing Tuti hated. Even if he laughed and teased him about it, Nagayan was sure that Tuti hated it when he was immature, and moody, and well… He was probably lucky that Tuti was sticking around long enough to have coffee with him, he figured.
And Nagayan couldn’t help but wonder too, how he had acted last night towards Tuti. Because he knew that he had a tendency to gravitate towards his friend, when they were together. For some reason, he always wanted Tuti to notice him, to react to him, even when he could tell that Tuti didn’t like it, and sometimes had no idea how to respond. Tuti always acted like everything was a joke; either that or he was clearly embarrassed and put off by it, which was worse. And Nagayan really had no idea why he always felt like he was fighting for Tuti’s attention anyway. It was stupid, and… he just hoped he hadn’t done anything weird last night.
If he was feeling really brave he might ask Tuti about it later just to make sure, but definitely, he figured, even if he forgot everything else, he was sure he would remember if something had happened with Tuti.
After all, Nagayan remembered everything about their kiss before, and that whole evening, in painstaking detail, even though it had been months ago. He hated that sometimes. If that night was foggy instead, like last night had been, then at least he could try to pretend it had never happened, but…it just wasn’t possible. He could still see it in his mind, and he could feel it. It reminded him of a certain kind of dream, the kind that he could still touch and taste and smell in the morning, even hours later, when the details had faded. Though, in this case, he really would have been more than happy to have the details fade a little. He was aware too, that this was just about the worst thing he could possibly be thinking about right now, but… he couldn’t help it.
**
The moment when he’d decided to do it, he had felt an odd, unexpected rush of excitement in the pit of his stomach. He had grinned, a little too widely probably, and Kimeru had laughed. Nagayan realized then, that maybe Kime hadn’t even been serious about this, but either way he had found himself agreeing without really thinking at all. He ignored the jittery feeling in the pit of his stomach for the rest of the day too, though he knew it was making him laugh a little harder and louder at Tuti’s jokes, and shiver a little more at the soft touches shared between them.
And after the show, things had gone completely according to plan at first. The second the curtain had come down, Tuti had pulled him into a hug, one that lasted longer than usual. Everything was dark, and Nagayan had pressed closer to Tuti, naturally. Tuti’s cheek was warm, and a little sweaty, and he’d had to stand on his toes to reach him. Kime had said his cheek, that a kiss on the cheek would be enough. He had said that Tuti would be completely flustered, and that their point would be made. It would be perfect, because it was Nagayan doing it, and would make for a hilarious story, about how much like his character Tuti had become, but…
There had been a split second where something warm had rushed through Nagayan’s body and had blanked out all of his thoughts. Nagayan was there next to Tuti, and Tuti’s arms were wrapped around his back, he could feel Tuti’s warmth pressing against him through his jersey and all Nagayan could think about was how nice this felt, and how he really had no interest in just kissing Tuti on the cheek, or in proving any point about Tuti liking, or not liking to be touched in public. He could feel Tuti’s breath on his neck and Nagayan had felt the warmth rising from somewhere around his stomach which was fluttering and flopping, and…he just couldn’t control it.
It was just happening, and his fingers were suddenly tingling where they made contact with Tuti’s shoulders and then in another second, everything was tingling, and every part of his body that was touching Tuti was on fire. It was making him dizzy and giddy and he knew he was about to do something really impulsive, and crazy but… he wanted to do it. He couldn’t remember ever wanting something so badly. It was silly. He felt like a kid - irrational and impulsive and overcome by his hormones, or something, but… He wanted to feel Tuti’s lips, he wanted to know how they tasted, how Tuti tasted. It was crazy, he knew. But he had that cloudy feeling, almost like he was drunk, and everything was just blending together, but he also knew, very coherently, that he wanted this. To claim Tuti like this, here, now. This was what he had wanted for a long time maybe.
And then Nagayan had suddenly forgotten where they were, had forgotten that this was inappropriate, and even when this thought surfaced for a moment in the back of his mind he knew that he still had no intention of stopping.
Nagayan was surprised when Tuti’s lips parted immediately at the touch of his tongue, and when he felt a little of his own urgency echoed back to him in this gesture from his friend.
Tuti’s tongue sliding against his had been warm and wet, and Nagayan had been surprised because he had tasted like a lot of things at once. It was kind of overwhelming at first, but then he figured maybe it had just been a while since he’d paid so much attention to the inside of someone else’s mouth like this.
The one thing Nagayan could pinpoint was mint, and Nagayan knew that Tuti brushed his teeth before going onstage, but thought that it was strange, that he could still taste it now, and he wondered if Tuti had brushed again during intermission, or if maybe it was some kind of breath mint. Nagayan was reminded too that Tuti smoked because he could taste the staleness of cigarettes, lurking in the corners here and there and Nagayan found himself wondering, like he always did, exactly how much Tuti smoked. He really had no idea, because Tuti was really good about not smoking around him. He couldn’t even remember actually telling Tuti that he was allergic either. Maybe Tuti had just assumed. He remembered thinking all these things in seemingly the same instant, which he knew was strange. Somehow his brain and all of his senses must have been working overtime, because Nagayan knew that he was never this observant.
Tuti’s tongue had flicked over his teeth too and had pressed and pushed against the walls of his mouth with an agility that had honestly surprised Nagayan. He remembered making a noise, a moan that he could feel echoed in the deep cavity of Tuti’s mouth, and he remembered also thinking that he should be embarrassed, but that he just didn’t care if Tuti knew how turned on he was.
And then Nagayan had felt Tuti’s hands on his chest, and it had felt good for a second, until he realized what was happening, and that he was being pushed away. In another second the lights had come on and Tuti was gone.
And he had been so angry in that instant. That Tuti had left him like that, in that state, when he was so turned on, and so happy. He had felt so good and then there was just… nothing.
He was hurt too because he had known, in that instant before Tuti had pushed him away, that he wouldn’t have cared if the entire cast had seen them. If the audience, if the whole world had seen, Nagayan wouldn’t have cared. If it was inappropriate, even if it put his career in jeopardy, even if they would never, ever live it down, and even if they never did it again - none of that would have mattered at all.
And it wasn’t that it was weird between them afterwards, it was just that nothing was different at all. And this felt empty and wrong, even though he knew there was no reason for him to feel this way about something that was supposed to be a joke to begin with, something that he hadn’t had a single expectation about going in.
Even though he hadn’t seemed angry, Nagayan knew that Tuti should have been joking about this, teasing him, and when he wasn’t, and he had started to wonder. If maybe Tuti was angry, or if maybe he had just been turned off by the whole thing.
They had been at the bar, and Tuti still hadn’t said anything at all, and he knew that he shouldn’t have brought it up, but it just kind of slipped out. He hadn’t meant it to sound like he was angry either, but he knew that what he said had been mean, and that Tuti knew that he was only mean like this when he was hurt or angry.
They had argued a little then, in their usual joking way, but that had hurt too. Tuti had laughed at Nagayan’s remark about his kissing, and then, appropriately, had asked him if he made out with all his friends like that. Then he said that the least Nagayan could have done was warn him first. Nagayan had been surprised, even though he figured that he completely deserved this, and that he had started it anyway. Tuti was always quick to counter anything Nagayan had to say, after all.
But it had hurt, to hear Tuti joke about this, and after a while he had just walked away.
Nagayan hated how this left him feeling though, and for some reason it seemed like it would be easier to forget about this if he could just sit down with Tuti and talk normally. About other things - anything. And suddenly, forgetting that this had happened seemed really important. Kime had prompted him a little too, saying that Tuti looked sad, and Nagayan had glanced over, feeling something ache inside of him at the look on Tuti’s face.
So he’d resorted to just being completely obvious. Dragging Tuti off, demanding his attention. Because right then he had needed Tuti. He had needed Tuti next to him. Just for that night, and then Nagayan told himself he would never think about any of this again, unless Tuti brought it up.
Nagayan had been grateful for how quickly his friend had agreed to sit with him, and grateful too that he had talked to him, without a trace of anything other than genuine interest, for the rest of the evening. He had felt close to Tuti, for some reason, even though neither of them had brought up what had happened at all. It still felt ok. As long as he just didn’t think about it, Nagayan had told himself, it seemed like it would be ok.
But the problem was that he had thought about it. A lot. Kind of like how he was thinking about it right now. Thinking about it so much that he could feel it and taste it and…
Nagayan heard a knock on the bathroom door.
“Just a second… gomen…” Nagayan hastily turned off the water, realizing he had probably been in the shower forever, and that Tuti was probably getting worried. He stepped out of the shower reaching for his towel, but realized after a second that it wasn’t there. He grumbled a little at this, and at the fact that he was dripping all over the bathroom, almost slipping on the tiled floor as he stepped out.
“I thought you might have needed something, I…” Tuti had opened the door about halfway, and was staring at him from the doorway. “Gomen…”
Nagayan blinked, wondering why Tuti was giving him such a strange look.“Tuti?”
Tuti looked at him, raising his eyebrows slightly, clearly trying not to look uncomfortable.
“Towel?” Nagayan asked the question automatically, even though he knew Tuti wouldn’t really be able to help him.
His friend looked around, appropriately puzzled.
“Never mind. I’ll get it.” Nagayan fumbled with the door to the cabinet in the bathroom, and reached back, feeling along the wood with his hand, hoping to find something. He sighed when he realized that the shelf was empty. “I just moved in so I keep forgetting where everything is,” he explained, feeling a little silly.
“Didn’t you move in over a month ago?” Tuti had cleared his throat before speaking, and Nagayan wasn’t sure if it made things better or worse, this dialogue they were having.
“Well, yeah, but… I’ve been busy,” he replied a little lamely.
Nagayan was suddenly feeling a lot more awake now. Even though he really had no problem at all with walking around his own house like this, the fact that he could tell that Tuti was embarrassed was making him feel weird and he was sure he was turning red. This was unfortunately something he found really unnerving without any clothes on. Nagayan waited impatiently for Tuti to move away from the doorway, which he finally did after an awkward pause.
Nagayan thankfully found a towel in the hall closet, and wrapped it around himself before heading down the hall to his bedroom.
“You’re welcome to use the bathroom,” he said without turning around, hoping that he didn’t sound as stupid as he felt.
Nagayan closed the door to his bedroom behind him, not waiting for Tuti’s response. After a second he heard the hall closet door close with a click. A few seconds later he heard the shower water start up again.
**
Nagayan took a while getting dressed, even though all he was putting on was pajama pants and a tank top, partly because he was waiting for Tuti to get out of the shower, to avoid any other embarrassing experiences, and partly because he was still really tired, and everything just seemed to be taking longer than usual. He had uncharacteristically grabbed the first thing he came across, figuring that Tuti might even be pleased, since his friend had a habit of teasing him about his well-planned fashion sense. Tuti couldn’t really make fun of his most worn (and therefore most comfortable) pair of plain grey cotton pants, and well… maybe he wouldn’t like the shirt? But whatever… Nagayan knew his friend just liked to make fun of him for putting English words like ‘shining’ on his designs when he knew that Nagayan didn’t speak more than a few words of the language. This one should be safe though, he figured. Blossam wasn’t even a real English word anyway…
He heard the shower stop after a few minutes, and listened for a second. After he heard the door open, and Tuti’s footsteps move down the hallway, he ran the towel over his hair for a few seconds before taking a deep breath, and opened his door.
The hallway was empty, but there was a strong smell of coffee drifting through the air that Nagayan hadn’t noticed before. Tuti was in the kitchen, from the sounds of things clinking around, and Nagayan poked his head around the corner tentatively. Tuti smiled when he noticed him.
“Feeling better?” He asked as he slid a mug over to Nagayan, reaching diagonally across the small table as they both sat down.
“Mostly,” Nagayan said, nodding. “And, look, I’m wearing clothes now, and I’m clean, so… Nothing to worry about, ok?” Nagayan wondered sometimes if he didn’t do this just because it was easier than thinking about certain other things when they were together. Either way, he couldn’t help it.
He laughed at the look of feigned surprise on Tuti’s face. “I’m just kidding,” Nagayan said, and then gave Tuti a slightly mischievous look, “I know you enjoyed it.”
Tuti was glaring at him, looking like he was using a lot of restraint to avoid reaching over to his side and hitting Nagayan right now, which for some reason made Nagayan laugh a little more. “Gomen, gomen, Tuti,” he said after a second, forcing himself to stop laughing.
Nagayan watched, as Tuti shrugged, having regained his composure, “Don’t stop on my account. After all, I’m just glad to see you doing something other than hovering over a toilet.” And his friend shot him a slightly sadistic smile, which Nagayan returned, figuring that this comment had been completely deserved on his part.
He was surprised too though, because he was feeling a lot more comfortable around Tuti than he thought he would be right now. He studied his friend as he sipped his coffee, and watched as Tuti studied him back, raising his eyebrows in curiosity for a second.
Nagayan lifted his mug to his lips again, and then set it down quickly, as he had a thought. “So when you talked to Hashimoto-san, did he say for me to call him or what? Was he going to reschedule?”
Tuti shook his head. “No, he just said he would check in with you tomorrow, and that he would explain the situation to the people at the magazine.”
Nagayan sighed. “He’s going to kill me.”
Tuti laughed. “You know he did argue a little at first, and tried get me to put you on the phone? But when I told him you had just gotten back from the hospital, I really think he believed me.”
Nagayan frowned at first, and then felt a smile creep across his face, as he imagined how this conversation must have unfolded, with Tuti playing his role perfectly - the friend of an unwilling victim of food-poisoning. “Well, I’m sure you were convincing, even though I know I’ll hear about this later anyway.”
“Of course I was convincing.” Tuti grinned and then paused for a second. “You know, you probably were sick enough to go to the hospital though, so I don’t think it was even that much of an exaggeration,” Tuti said, lowering his eyes at Nagayan a little.
Nagayan frowned at this, and pushed the mug of coffee away from him, because it seemed a little gross to him right now. His stomach was starting to feel weird again too, as he remembered being sick earlier. He folded his arms in front of him on the table, and gave Tuti a sideways glance, still curious about what exactly had happened, “So was I just sick all night?”
“Pretty much…”
Nagayan’s tried to imagine this, but couldn’t really. “What did you do? I mean, it must have been gross,” he said, frowning again.
“Gross? Well, yeah, it was I guess. But like I said, mostly I was just worried.” Tuti paused, “And I really didn’t do much, aside from just making sure you didn’t pass out.”
“I’m sorry,” Nagayan said, feeling a little uncomfortable. “I’m really glad you were around though,” he said honestly. “I don’t know how many people would have done that for me, so…thanks.”
“I’m glad I was around too, and anyway… I really didn’t mind.” And then Tuti smiled, “So stop worrying,” he finished.
Nagayan averted Tuti’s eyes though, and said quietly, “I’m still really embarrassed.” Then he laughed nervously, “See? I can’t even look at you!”
Tuti chuckled a little. “You’re embarrassed? What about me? What am I supposed to tell my friends?”
Nagayan laughed, and then thought about what Tuti had said earlier. “Well, if I was making out with everyone at the table like you said, then it seems like they shouldn’t be complaining too much right?”
Nagayan regretted the words the second they were out of his mouth. He could feel his face getting a little warm as he searched his mind for a way to take this back. It was a bad habit, joking around with Tuti so much all the time. But Tuti was already raising his eyebrows at him.
“Making out? Who said anything about that? Your friend from the bar, maybe?” Tuti was laughing.
“Yeah, right,” Nagayan glared at his friend, because for some reason he realized that it hurt a little to hear him say that.
“What do you mean, ‘Yeah right?’” And Tuti raised his eyebrows again, though suddenly Nagayan wasn’t sure if Tuti was completely joking about this.
“I can’t help it if someone wants to buy me drinks…” Nagayan grumbled. He thought he should probably say something else but he really didn’t like talking about this. Especially with Tuti.
“I know, I know,” Tuti said, but sounded almost annoyed, despite the amused look on his face. “I’m just kidding.”
Nagayan stared at Tuti, his eyes flashing. “Besides, I told you I don’t act like that when I’m drunk,” he said.
“And I told you last night must have been an exception,” Tuti said quickly, raising his eyebrows again.
Tuti was smiling, and had been this whole time, but… somehow Nagayan had the feeling that he was being baited for something, which was weird, because this was Tuti, and even though they joked around a lot, Nagayan didn’t like thinking Tuti would try to manipulate him.
“What’s that supposed to mean, Tuti,” he said defensively.
“Takashi, I’m kidding.”
“Well, it doesn’t sound like it,” Nagayan frowned a little, and tried not to sound like his feelings were hurt, even though they were, because he really didn’t like feeling as if Tuti was keeping something from him. He looked at Tuti and tried again, unsuccessfully, to read his expression. “And I can tell you’re thinking about something,” he added, his mouth twisting into an unconscious pout.
And suddenly Tuti’s voice lowered, and he didn’t seem amused any more. “I said I was kidding.”
Nagayan stared down at the table. “I just meant that I wanted you to tell me… if I did anything weird, that’s all.”
There was a long pause, as Tuti appeared to be weighing something in his mind. Nagayan watched him as he took a deep breath, and wondered why he was suddenly a little scared of what Tuti was going to say. “You didn’t do anything embarrassing, ok?”
Tuti’s voice sounded strange though, and Nagayan still had the distinct impression that his friend was leaving something out. It seemed silly to push him anymore though. Besides, Nagayan wasn’t in any mood to argue with Tuti right now.
“Well, good…” Nagayan said, still frowning.
“Nothing happened with me either, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
Nagayan gasped loudly. “I didn’t say anything about that!”
“But you were thinking it.” It was somewhere between a statement and a question, and Tuti’s eyes were deep and dark, but still completely unreadable.
“I wasn’t,” Nagayan protested, swallowing hard. He had no idea what Tuti trying to do here, but… his friend was being pretty bold, if this was supposed to be some kind of joke. Then he realized something. “Were you?”
There was a long pause, and Nagayan was left wondering why his voice had sounded so nervous and breathy just then, and wondering why the hell he had just asked that too. He was trying to think of a way to take it back without sounding completely crazy, when Tuti said, simply, quietly, and with just the slightest hint of a catch in his voice, “Sure, I was.”
Nagayan stopped breathing for a second, but before he knew it, his mouth was open, and he was reacting, nervously, sarcastically, because he really didn’t know what else to do. “You were thinking about me being drunk and throwing myself at you? That’s nice, Tuti. I appreciate that.”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Just drop it, ok,” Nagayan told him, turning his head away.
“Takashi.” He said it so matter-of-factly; Nagayan was confused, and forgot about how nervous Tuti was making him for a second.
“What?” His head turned back quickly and he raised his eyes at Tuti.
“Don’t you want to know what I meant?” And Tuti’s tone of voice had changed again. Nagayan wasn’t sure how he could sound almost vulnerable like this, and still be asking such a bold question. He also wasn’t sure how this conversation had taken this turn…
“I don’t know,” Nagayan said honestly, though he was sure that Tuti had already decided anyway.
“What I meant is that I think about kissing you sometimes.”
Nagayan shook his head, refusing to acknowledge what he was hearing. “Don’t joke about that, ok Tuti?”
“I’m not joking.”
Nagayan felt his heart skip a few beats, as he allowed himself to entertain the possibility that Tuti was telling him the truth. But then he shook his head again. “That really doesn’t make any sense.”
Tuti stared at him, seeming confused at first, but after a second, his expression had changed, and he seemed almost frustrated. “Why? Because I didn’t know how to react in front of the whole cast? What did you expect me to do?”
“I don’t know.” Nagayan frowned a little, ignoring the voice in the back of his head that was telling him that he needed to stop this discussion right now.
“I thought it was a joke. I thought you were making fun of me.” And then Nagayan was surprised, because Tuti was looking at him, with an urgency that he really wasn’t used to seeing from his friend. “What? It wasn’t?” Tuti was saying, and Nagayan was surprised again because Tuti was starting to raise his voice. “It sure sounded that way later.”
And it was strange, because Nagayan really couldn’t tell if his friend was angry, or upset, or something different all together.
Nagayan wasn’t sure how he felt right now either though. He wasn’t sure if he was embarrassed, or angry with himself, or angry with Tuti for bringing this up right now, when he really hadn’t been expecting it, but the end result was that he had absolutely no idea what to say. Even though he knew that this was probably his best chance right now, to resolve this, he was just… speechless. He tried anyway though, even though he knew what came out probably wouldn’t make much sense.
“I…I really didn’t mean for it to seem that way…” He tentatively snuck a glance at Tuti, who was staring somewhere past him now, obviously avoiding looking at him. Suddenly Nagayan felt his face getting warm as a rush of panic washed over him. This really wasn’t supposed to happen like this. He could hear the words catching in his throat as he tried to get them out. “Are you angry?”
Tuti just shook his head, but made no move to look at him.
Nagayan shifted uncomfortably, trying to figure out some way to fix this right now. There were a million things running through his mind that he wanted to say, but… “Tuti, I really didn’t mean to make you feel like I was making fun of you. I would never do that.”
And now Tuti was looking at him, seeming amused and slightly bitter at the same time, which was unnerving. “Takashi, you make fun of me all the time.”
“I know… but…” Nagayan felt himself biting his bottom lip, even though he knew that this made him look silly. “Not with something like that.”
“So what are you saying then?”
Nagayan felt his whole body go still for a second. His heart, his breath, everything seemed to have stopped when Tuti focused his attention on him.
“I don’t know,” he heard himself say quietly, though he barely recognized his voice.
And then Tuti said his name again, this time with a mixture of intensity and vulnerability that sent a shiver down Nagayan’s spine, causing him to sit up strait in the chair, and turn his head a little so that he could level his eyes at Tuti. His blood was pumping again too; he could feel it in his chest and in his temples. He took a deep breath, and tried to relax, even though he knew that this was impossible with Tuti staring at him like this.
“What?” Nagayan said finally, shifting uncomfortably in his chair, and trying to ignore the fact that his body felt really strange, almost as if it wasn’t really connected to him anymore, even though he was acutely aware that his heart was pounding hard. He that he should probably say something else, but…thankfully Tuti was talking again.
“I know this isn’t the best time to talk about this,” Tuti paused for a moment, still studying him. “But just tell me, honestly…” His friend’s voice was quiet, and he sounded nervous. “If it was a joke, that’s ok, just… tell me the truth.”
It hurt to hear Tuti say this, because Nagayan realized now that Tuti must have been thinking this all along. And Nagayan really didn’t know why everything always ended up this way with them- as some kind of joke. Even this conversation - the reason it was so hard was because he had no idea how to talk to Tuti like this, or how to bring anything up without laughing about it after a minute. And right now this approach just seemed… wrong.
“It wasn’t a joke,” Nagayan started, figuring that he really had to say this now, if he was ever going to. “It kind of started out that way, but…”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, Kime said…” And Nagayan could hear Tuti sigh at the mention of his friend, and he almost smiled, “He said that I should try something, just to see what you would do, how you would react. You know, just… a kiss on the cheek, something stupid like that. Because we were talking about it at lunch, you know?”
Tuti nodded and laughed a little nervously.
“But… I couldn’t do it as a joke.” Nagayan’s voice broke off, as he tried to think of how he could possibly explain how he had felt. He wanted to be honest, but… he wasn’t sure how much Tuti wanted to hear, or how much he wanted to say, really. “When I was close to you… I…”
“What?” Tuti asked after a few seconds, his voice quiet and almost incredulous.
Nagayan took a deep breath. “Nothing, just… It was nice, you know? It made me feel really good.”
“Really?” Tuti asked quietly, and Nagayan just nodded, ignoring the look of disbelief on Tuti’s face, because he wanted to finish and he was afraid if he waited too long he would lose his nerve.
“But then I thought you were embarrassed. Or angry. I didn’t know what to say. I tried to talk to you, but… I don’t know.” Nagayan shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. “What did you think?” he finished.
He watched anxiously as Tuti took a deep breath. He wished Tuti would just look at him or something…
“Well, at first I tried not to think anything. But… then later…” Tuti’s voice trailed off and he let out a nervous laugh.
“What?” Nagayan prompted, feeling a little slighted. He sighed impatiently. “Come on, Tuti… That’s not fair.”
Tuti laughed and shifted a little in his chair. He let out a long breath and glanced at Nagayan. “Well, later, I realized that it made me feel really good too. That even if it was a joke, and even if you made fun of me later, for enjoying it…” Tuti stopped for a second, and took a long look at Nagayan. “I realized that I wanted to do it again.”
There was a long pause, and Nagayan knew he should probably be reacting to this, but all he could think of was how confused he was. “I don’t understand,” he said honestly. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
Tuti shrugged. “I guess I was just scared. You’re kind of intimidating when it comes to stuff like that.”
Nagayan thought about this for a second, still confused. “You’re crazy,” he said quietly. “How could you be intimidated by me?”
“I don’t know. You’re pretty aloof, when you want to be.”
“And that’s intimidating?”
“A little, yeah. I don’t know. I guess I was just being stupid.”
Nagayan nodded, and smiled a little. He was sure he should step back and consider this, what they had just said, but…
“Thanks,” Tuti said and laughed for a second, before everything was quiet again. “So how do we resolve this?”
“Resolve what?”
“Well, now you know that I want to kiss you again, so…”
Then Tuti looked at him as if he was waiting for something.
“Forget it,” Nagayan said, not sure why he suddenly felt the need to at least try and regain some of the upper hand here, since he saw an opening. He felt bad immediately though when Tuti looked a little hurt, and then confused.
“Forget it,” Nagayan said again, a little less forcefully. Though he tried to keep his face looking stubborn, he was sure he was inviting Tuti as much as he could right now, with his eyes. He had just realized what was probably about to happen, and how much he wanted it to happen, and he could feel himself practically shaking. “I’m not going to beg you,” he said. “If you want to kiss me, you’ll just have to do it.”
The smile spread across Tuti’s face, before he laughed, and then everything was quiet again. Suddenly Nagayan felt completely exposed. He swallowed hard, and tried to be patient, even though he was starting to feel a little lightheaded with anticipation. Tuti moved closer, until his face was just a few inches away from Nagayan’s.
“Wait,” Tuti said suddenly, and leaned back for a second, forcing Nagayan to ask breathlessly, “What?”
“You brushed your teeth, right? After, well… you know…” And then Tuti laughed, nervously. “I’m kidding, sorry!”
Nagayan rolled his eyes, and was about to try to come up with something really mean to come back with, even though he was actually a little relieved that Tuti had broken some of the tension just then. He really wasn’t sure what to expect next, but suddenly everything seemed to go completely still.
Tuti’s fingers brushed across his wrist, and Nagayan could feel his face getting warm. Any possibility of saying anything had been erased from his mind too, as Tuti’s fingers curled around his hand, just grazing his palm on the other side. A flicker of electricity moved through Nagayan’s body.
He blinked slowly, as Tuti’s fingers gripped his hand tightly for a second and then started to move up his arm a little, a ghost of a touch at first, until they came to rest just before the crook of his elbow. Nagayan closed his eyes, since the room had started to spin a little. He was searching for something to hold onto, and focus on, and settled on the point of warm contact on his arm. Then he could feel Tuti moving closer, and he strained to feel his friend’s warmth and his breath, realizing that being close to Tuti like this felt surprisingly familiar and exciting at the same time.
Finally the distance between them was gone, and he could feel the warm breath against his cheek, before Tuti’s lips pressed against his. It was another point of contact that was soft and warm, but now Nagayan had forgotten that he had been trying to hold onto something. Getting carried away seemed inevitable at this point anyway. Tuti’s fingers had come to rest on his shoulder now, and he shivered a little, as he felt a finger slide under the edge of his shirt, just before allowing his lips to part at the touch of Tuti’s tongue.
Nagayan recognized the intensity the second their tongues touched, but at the same time, this kiss felt a little deeper, and a little more passionate, to the point where Nagayan found himself wondering just how much Tuti had thought about this. Because he knew from experience that when someone kissed him like this, it meant that they had been thinking about it for a really, really long time. It wasn’t until Nagayan realized he was kissing Tuti back with the exact same reckless abandon, that he realized how good this really was, and how much he didn’t want to stop.
He wondered now if maybe Tuti had already made up for everything that had happened last night, just with this kiss. Or maybe this was how he was making up for ruining Tuti’s evening… Either way, it was good. Really good.
Nagayan paused to catch his breath after a minute, taking in a long, shuddering breath that almost made him laugh when he realized how fast his heart was pounding and how he was almost shaking, still. He shivered a little when Tuti brushed away a strand of hair from his forehead affectionately, and smiled at him.
“You ok?” Tuti asked, and Nagayan smiled, realizing that Tuti was out of breath too.
“Ok?” Nagayan laughed. “Yeah, I’m fine, I-”
But Tuti was kissing him again, and Nagayan wasn’t sure why he had been taken by surprise. And then there was no reason to think anything anymore, because he was just lost.
He was aware after a while, of getting up and following Tuti somewhere, but he didn’t realize that they were on the couch until he actually felt his back meet with the soft cushions. He sunk into the softness feeling a little dizzy. He was moving in a kind of daze, and wondered how much of it was his lingering hangover, and how much of it was Tuti.
After another minute, Nagayan happily wriggled out of his shirt, at what he swore had been a prompt from Tuti, and pouted when Tuti laughed at him as he raised his eyebrows and glanced down at Nagayan’s bare chest. Fine, Tuti could keep his shirt on then, Nagayan was thinking. The important thing was how good he knew it would feel to have Tuti’s hands on his bare skin… He didn’t really care how eager he looked right now, anyway.
Tuti kissed away his pout quickly, and after a few seconds Nagayan realized that he really couldn’t wait anymore.
“Mmm… Tuti…touch me…” Normally he would have made a point not to sound so…desperate, but he really didn’t know if he could wait anymore.
Tuti’s finger was tracing the length of his collarbone lightly, and just this contact was melting away all of Nagayan’s inhibitions, as the tingling sensation spread down his arms and across his chest. That, and it was driving him completely crazy. It was as if something had been building up inside of him without his even realizing it, and now that Tuti was here… he just couldn’t help it. He wondered if somewhere along the line he’d given up on Tuti, even as a friend, and so now, for something like this to happen was just that much more unexpected and exciting.
Because it wasn’t as if he’d ever had any actual plans to pursue Tuti. Nagayan rarely, if ever, made the first move with anyone. Normally he enjoyed being the one who was pursued, and he really, really did not like having to chase after people. But he couldn’t deny that it seemed like that had been exactly what he had done with Tuti though. Even with their friendship now, Nagayan realized that he really had actively sought ways to maintain contact with his friend. After all, when he’d heard about an opportunity to work with Tuti again later in the summer, he had jumped at the chance.
Nagayan knew that he had closed off something inside of him though, after what had happened backstage. And that he had convinced himself that if he could just not think about it like Tuti obviously did not want to think about it, then he could just pretend it had never happened.
And it had worked for a while. Nagayan figured he could convince himself of anything if he wanted to, but …now what? Now he was writhing around on his couch half naked, completely turned on, to the point where he could barely see Tuti’s face through the huge cloud of lust that he felt hovering between them right now, and… and he needed to stop.
This thought rang loud and clear through his mind at that moment. Not because he didn’t want to do this with Tuti, but maybe for that very reason. Maybe because he wanted this so badly, he felt like there had to be a catch. Tuti was his friend, he was a guy, and this was something he had to think about, something he should think about.
“Tuti…” Nagayan tried to control his voice, but the word came out as a moan anyway, because Tuti’s hands had moved to his chest, and he was teasing him, clearly enjoying watching Nagayan squirm around, as he lightly brushed a finger across one nipple and then the other.
Tuti paused for a second, and Nagayan took this opportunity to force himself into a sitting position, backing up a little, so that he was facing Tuti.
“Tuti…” he said again, still breathless, and frowned at the expression on Tuti’s face as he fumbled for his shirt on the floor, and worked his way back into it, while still trying to hold Tuti’s gaze. “Stop looking at me like that, ok?”
“Takashi…”
“What? You think we should just do this right now? And then what?”
Tuti was silent for a moment before he said, quietly, “I never-“
“Never what?” Suddenly, and Nagayan wasn’t sure why, he was feeling really defensive. It seemed weird, this whole situation right now. He didn’t know how to be like this with Tuti, or how to listen to Tuti talk about this.
And he just didn’t trust himself, feeling like he had a second ago. Maybe because it had been a long time since he had felt like this - completely overcome by his emotions, and his desire, to the point where he was no longer thinking clearly. And it felt weird, to be like that with Tuti. He just didn’t feel like himself either, his stomach was turning over uneasily, and he just didn’t want to do this right now…He could tell that Tuti was really confused though, and he wondered what he should do, how he should explain this.
He sighed, wondering why Tuti was still looking at him all serious and wounded.
“Takashi, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I just…” Nagayan’s head was starting to hurt again, and he knew he probably sounded crazy, trying to explain his logic right now. He was frustrated because this was one of the times that he just wanted Tuti to understand, in that weird way of his, and it didn’t seem to be happening. “I don’t know.”
“I know that this is kind of strange, we don’t have to-”
“It’s not strange! I want to… It’s just…”
Tuti studied him for a long moment, before he said, softly, “Trust me, I think I know how you feel.”
Nagayan glanced at him, curious, and a little confused.
“I’m scared too, ok?” Tuti finished.
Nagayan felt his face getting hot, maybe because Tuti had touched on something he really didn’t want to admit to feeling right now. Because he was scared, he realized. Even with Tuti. He was scared of feeling this way, maybe especially of feeling this way with Tuti, and… This really was not something he felt like talking about right now.
“Just leave me alone, Tuti, ok?”
Nagayan blinked several times and tried to calm down. He closed his eyes, and then opened them almost immediately again because he could literally feel the weight of Tuti’s stare.
“I’m sorry.” Tuti’s tone was noticeably milder than it had been a second ago. “I’m not even sure what’s going on right now, but…” He paused for a second, looking concerned. “How do you feel? Is your head ok?”
Nagayan looked at Tuti for a second, until he realized that also had no idea, what was going on, what he was doing, what they were doing. He felt like he was acting crazy too, and he was a little embarrassed.
“I’m fine,” Nagayan said quietly, realizing that his head felt ok now that most of his anxiety had faded. “I’m just kind of out of it, I guess. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. Don’t worry.”
And then to his surprise, Tuti leaned over to kiss him, hesitantly. Nagayan was relieved because he could feel Tuti relax when he relaxed, as they both allowed the kiss to deepen a little. It felt so natural too, the feel of Tuti lips on his, and Tuti’s arm sliding around his waist and pulling him closer. He was getting used to this, he realized. Tuti broke the contact after a second though, pulling Nagayan up from the couch with him by his arm as he stood up. Nagayan looked at him, confused.
“You’re tired,” Tuti explained. “And I have to go soon,” he finished, sounding apologetic.
Nagayan nodded, realizing that his throat and his chest were feeling tight now, and realizing too how much he hated hearing Tuti say that he had to leave right now.
They walked back to the bedroom, and Nagayan found himself allowing Tuti to support him, just a little, even though he knew that this was not at all necessary.
“You have rehearsal?” Nagayan tried to say this without allowing his voice to shake, and watched his friend nod. He really didn’t want Tuti to leave, but knew that this was silly.
They both sat down on the bed, and Tuti looked at his watch, and then at Nagayan. “It’s only until ten…” Tuti paused, seeming to consider something. “Do you want to get some food after that? It’ll be late, but…”
Nagayan found himself smiling. “No performance tonight?”
Tuti shook his head.
“Well, I probably wouldn’t mind getting out of this apartment later.” Nagayan smiled a little wider because of the look of relief on Tuti’s face, mostly because he was relieved too. “Where should I meet you?”
“Well, you do live in a nice neighborhood now, remember? I could probably just come over here after?” Tuti smiled, and somehow, something in that smile made Nagayan glow a little inside.
“That’s true.” Nagayan said, and heard a laugh escape from his lips. “Well, just call me when you’re on your way.”
“So you can drag yourself out of bed?”
“I hope not! But you never know.”
“I think you’ll feel better after you get some more rest.”
Nagayan nodded. “Yeah, so go away already, alright?” And he laughed, and then, because he couldn’t help it, he flopped backwards on the bed and stretched. He would feel a little lazy if he ended up sleeping all day and all night, but… well, what else was there to do on his self-imposed day off anyway? He smiled, though it wasn’t really very funny. He was grateful again, all the sudden, that Tuti had been here, that Tuti was still here. He was grateful for a lot of things, he realized.
“I did thank you before, right?” Nagayan said, trying to suppress a yawn.
Tuti pretended to think about this, “Well, let’s see, you apologized, a few times, then you-“
“You…” Nagayan pointed up at Tuti from where he was still lying on his back, “…can stop right there!”
They both laughed for a few seconds, until Nagayan realized he was starting to feel nauseous again, and he frowned, wondering how long this stupid hangover was going to last.
“Tuti…” Nagayan whined after a second, as he moved back a little, rolling over onto his side and reached for his pillow, pulling it towards himself, as he watched Tuti raise an amused eyebrow at him as he stood up from the bed. “I hate being sick…”
“Well, when you’re an irresponsible drunk who-ouch!” Tuti rubbed his arm and looked at Nagayan and then at the floor, laughing. “What the hell did you just throw at me? Are you crazy?”
Nagayan was laughing into his pillow at the surprised look on Tuti’s face. He had grabbed the first thing within reach, passing over his cell phone in a brief moment of clarity and deciding on a half full water bottle, which thankfully, had the cap securely tightened.
Tuti was laughing too, but stopped when Nagayan groaned, and closed his eyes, pulling his knees toward his chest.
“You really need to leave before you make me puke again.”
“Hai, hai, I can take a hint.”
“No, you can’t,” Nagayan said quickly, and tried to look serious, instead of silly and sick at the same time like he felt.
.
Tuti just smiled. “So, do you need anything before I go?”
Nagayan shook his head. “Thanks, though,” he added.
Tuti nodded, and turned to go. “It’ll probably be almost eleven or so before I get back over here.”
“Well if I don’t pick up my phone you know where to find me.” Nagayan laughed. He looked at Tuti, and at the expression on his face, and knew immediately that they had both been thinking the same thing. “And yeah, that probably is an invitation,” Nagayan winked and watched Tuti give him his best look of fake shock and embarrassment, before turning away, and crossing the room.
“Have fun,” Nagayan said, yawning, and squinted at Tuti’s back before closing his eyes, seeing no real reason to keep them open anymore. He wasn’t sure why he was so tired either, since the day was already more than half over and all he had done was sleep.
“You too…” came Tuti’s response, but Nagayan barely heard him or the soft click of the door, as he closed it behind him.
Nagayan was sure that he should have said something else, or that at the very least he should have actually thanked Tuti, but right now, he really couldn’t think about anything except how good it felt to have his eyes closed in the darkness. Though he couldn’t deny that part of him felt a little lonely without Tuti, even now. That was something he could deal with later though he figured, as he allowed sleep to pull him in, grateful for the darkness of the room, and for the fact that aside from this hint of lingering loneliness he was mostly calm and warm and happy, for what felt like the first time in a really long time.
**