I've been working on this for a while...
...and here's the first chapter... :)
Title: Pulse
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Word Count: 7,637
Chapter: 1/?
Warnings: yaoi...angst?
Rating: PG-13 for now (basically just for situations involving alcohol and brief language)
Notes: This takes place sometime in the early spring, a few months after the end of the 4th musical. I expect it to be about 3-4 chapters total... This first one is a bit longer than usual for me for a first chapter though, so it's possible that the next one could be shorter? Chapter One is all Nagayan's POV. Chapter Two will be Tuti. :)
Disclaimer: No basis in reality. Possible incorrect retelling of events? I'm bad with timelines and stuff like that, so... ^_^
x-posted to tutixnagayan
Nagayama Takashi had already been a little drunk when Tuti called.
It was almost ironic, he was thinking, because for weeks now, his schedule had been so intense, that he really hadn’t had much time to think, let alone socialize, and now he was on the verge of going out twice in one night. Nagayan was amused too, because he was sure that Tuti didn’t believe him when he tried to explain that had he called any other night in the past three weeks, he would have found Nagayan either still at the studio, or asleep already. On the phone, his friend had just laughed, but Nagayan was sure he’d have something to say about it later. Tuti never passed up the opportunity to make fun of him, after all. And being home alone, late on a Friday night, offering unnecessary explanations for his state of inebriation would probably provide decent enough fuel to keep Tuti going for a while. But it couldn’t really be helped, he figured.
Tonight had marked the end of his latest project, and at the end of the day’s shoot, Nagayan had felt pretty much obligated to join in the celebration that had ensued. He had left early though, not because he had been having a bad time really, but…when someone in the group suggested changing locations, which allowed him an excuse to slip away without seeming rude, he found himself taking advantage of the opportunity without much thought.
Nagayan was able to fit in with just about anyone, when he wanted to, but… it was strange, the feeling he got from this group of people. He really preferred to have at least one close friend with him to fall back on in a group, and he didn’t really have that here. It had been almost painful tonight to have to listen to the boring shop talk and sometimes annoying humor of the people he was with, without anyone to joke about it in peace with at some point during the evening.
And it wasn’t as if the job itself hadn’t been fun, it was just that Nagayan had realized a while ago that he didn’t really have much in common with his current group of colleagues, and spending the night drinking with them would never have been first on his list of ways he’d like to spend a free evening. But regardless, this week had been tiring, with so many long hours spent wrapping up the production, that he probably would have been relieved to call it an early night no matter who he was with.
Nagayan had come home in a less than cheerful mood though, despite the effects of the alcohol, and despite the fact that he had successfully escaped what had been quickly turning into a very boring evening. He wasn’t particularly surprised though.
It always happened this way, after all, when he finished something, a project or anything that consumed a great deal of his time. While he was engrossed in an activity, he rarely thought about anything but the matter at hand, but the afterwards part was a different story. He had time to think now that this was over and for some reason thinking wasn’t making him very happy right now.
Because when he thought about things, about his life, for example, he found that rather than evaluating his career, or what he had accomplished so far, or looking at how satisfied or content he was, rather than these things, Nagayan found himself somehow dwelling on what wasn’t there. And that really wasn’t like him at all. Usually if something seemed to be missing, he quickly filled that gap with something else. Or he figured out how to get whatever it was that he wanted and didn’t have and he got it. But… right now something was missing and he really didn’t know what it was. This made it much more difficult to fill the gap, he figured.
This feeling of emptiness had faded while he had been occupied with his last job, but had been lurking around for a while. Nagayan recognized this as being silly, even as he admitted to feeling this way. Because Tenimyu had just been a job, like anything else. Clearly he was not cut out for this profession at all if he was going to feel weird and sad every time something ended, even if it had been a really wonderful experience.
But, he didn’t feel like this all the time, and the musicals really had been different than anything else Nagayan had been a part of. Maybe this was just how it was with stage work, versus film and television, but Nagayan had been surprised by how creative the process had been, and surprised by how he really felt that he had become a part of something bigger than himself, seeing the fans from up on stage, and feeling the support of his friends in the cast. Nagayan was used to playing his role, and learning his lines, but… he wasn’t used to feeling like he was really creating something on stage, as he had felt with the musicals.
The experience had been different, and special for him, and maybe it had been like this, to certain extent, for everyone in the cast. He had talked about it with Kimeru, and his friend had made him feel a little better, at least by making him realize that he wasn’t the only one who experienced these feelings. Kime missed it too, the bond they’d had as a cast, and how wonderful it had been to be on stage making what sometimes felt like magic. Kime had been around a lot longer than he had too, and even he agreed that it had been special. But… Nagayan couldn’t help but feel silly sometimes, reminiscing about something like this, and missing it. He hated how these thoughts crept into his mind too, at the most unexpected times. Tonight, for example, he had found that he couldn’t help thinking that he would have had a million times more fun if he had been out with a different group of cast members.
So when Tuti called, Nagayan wondered why he wasn’t happier.
The smile that had automatically twisted upwards on his lips when he heard the other man’s voice filtering through the phone faded after a second, and Nagayan really couldn’t pinpoint why. But tonight his senses felt dulled and hollow in comparison to Tuti’s excited, happy voice on the other end of the line. Nagayan tried his best to shake it off, but… it was as if the removal of just a few of his inhibitions made ignoring the ache of nostalgia in the pit of his stomach that he seemed to always feel lately when talking to Tuti impossible. Tuti seemed to be in a great mood though, Nagayan was thinking, a little morosely, and after he hung up the phone, he allowed his mind to wander for a second.
Tuti was completely different from anyone Nagayan had ever known, much less been friends with. They were very, very different people, and yet had somehow managed to maintain a friendship despite these differences, one that had survived between musicals, and one that remained even now, after the job they had shared was over for good. He wasn’t sure what it was that drew him to Tuti, but that was definitely what it felt like sometimes. Maybe it was just that ridiculous, infectious laugh, though Nagayan was sure that this was just one of many things that had sparked his interest in his former stage partner.
In general, Tuti just felt good to be around, and Nagayan liked that. Sometimes he felt like all of his friends combined couldn’t make him laugh as much as Tuti did in one conversation and even though he knew it was sometimes an act, he didn’t really mind. He liked that he could always count on Tuti to make him smile. Tuti had the ability to turn just about anything into a joke too, and Nagayan enjoyed having someone like that around him, even if it meant putting up with some extremely silly and embarrassing antics at times.
He couldn’t remember anyone else ever having such an effect on him - always being able to make him smile despite the situation, and despite the state of his mood. Nagayan possessed his own somewhat strange sense of humor, and he had been surprised to find someone who both shared this, and was able to compete with him in terms of weirdness at the same time. It was also nice to feel understood, and Tuti had an uncanny ability to seem like he always knew exactly what Nagayan was thinking or feeling, sometimes before Nagayan even realized it himself. Either way, he was happy, if maybe a little surprised, that he and Tuti had kept in touch after the end of the musicals.
And it had worked out well so far. Nagayan genuinely liked Tuti, and felt comfortable around him, and that had made it fairly easy to keep up their friendship, at least for his part, though Tuti had seemed eager to maintain the contact too. But despite this, there were memories that came to mind sometimes, of their interactions during the musicals, that caused Nagayan to wonder, every so often, what the real reason was that they had had managed to stay in touch.
The memories lingered there, in a far corner of Nagayan’s mind where he had left them a while ago. There were touches and glances…indescribable sensations that he revisited more often than he wanted to admit, maybe simply because they hadn’t been replaced by other experiences yet. He wasn’t sure.
Once, briefly, there had been a kiss.
Nagayan told himself that this, especially this, had been nothing. There had certainly not been any evidence to the contrary, and for this reason, Nagayan had told himself a long time ago that there was no point in thinking about it. It was in the past. For both of them, Nagayan guessed, but definitely for him. Nagayan really didn’t want to dwell on things that he knew he had no explanation for, and that could never be revisited. He and Tuti were friends now, if on a somewhat casual level, but… the closeness they had shared when they were working together seemed like it had happened in another world. The kiss had happened in another world too, which was part of the reason Nagayan figured he had managed to push it out of his mind. This was fine though, and to be expected, Nagayan told himself. They had their own lives. He was busy.
Tuti had been busy lately too, with a long run of *pnish* shows, and Nagayan tried to remember if it had been a month or more, two maybe, since he had last seen Tuti. It bothered him, though he wasn’t sure why because it wasn’t as if he had any free time to hang out with anyone either. And it wasn’t as if they hadn’t tried, several times, to make plans. It just hadn’t worked out. There would be another job they would work on together, in the summer, but that seemed too far away to even think about right now, though Nagayan found that he was looking forward to it. Still though, right now, Tuti had shows at night, and Nagayan was in production all day, so it just hadn’t been possible to meet very often.
Despite this, and despite knowing Tuti had been lucky to catch him at home and not asleep, or on his way out to something or other, Nagayan had experienced serious second thoughts about accepting Tuti’s invitation. He tried to tell himself it was because he was tired, but…he figured that this probably wasn’t the real reason.
Tuti had a habit of ignoring him around his *pnish* friends, and Nagayan hated being ignored, especially when he was already in a less than cheerful mood. He hated the thought of any more socializing tonight too, and he knew this was how it would be. He felt closed off right now, even from Tuti, and he knew he’d only feel this more strongly if he had to compete for attention. And he could hear Tuti’s happy post-performance high in his voice too, something Nagayan hadn’t felt in a while. He just wasn’t sure he would make for very good company, especially if Tuti was in as good a mood as he seemed to be. But in the end, it hadn’t taken much to twist his arm. After all, they were right around the corner, and he wanted to see his friend.
**
The first thing he thought when he caught sight of Tuti and his friends, none of whom Nagayan had ever met before, was that he wished he were a little more drunk than he was. This was a thought the likes of which he hadn’t had in a long time, and he was almost embarrassed for thinking it tonight. Nagayan wasn’t sure where Moriyama and the others were, or who these people were surrounding his friend’s small table, but… the fact that it took someone nudging Tuti in the ribs to get him to stop talking long enough to wave Nagayan over to a seat at their table, pretty much set the mood for the evening, in Nagayan’s mind anyway.
After ten minutes of having to explain to these people he hadn’t even been introduced to how he and Tuti had met, what his current projects were, how he liked his management company, and other meaningless small talk, Nagayan was reminded once again, of why he sometimes really hated hanging out with Tuti.
As soon as he could, he extracted himself from the table, and headed for the restaurant’s Western style bar, which he was extremely grateful for all of the sudden. Leaving was out of the question, since he had just arrived, but here he could probably make it seem like he had seen a friend at the bar, and explain his absence from the table that way. With any luck, he wouldn’t have to go back to the table at all; at least that was the plan.
Nagayan refused to think about how annoyed he was with Tuti, and also decided that he was not willing to entertain any other unpleasant thoughts for the remainder of the evening. Sulking in the privacy of his own home was one thing, but once he was out, he figured, there was a certain obligation placed upon him to at least try to have a good time.
He scanned the bar hopefully. Nagayan knew a lot of people. Especially here in Harajuku, a neighborhood which attracted a lot of actor and musician types, many of whom he had probably worked with on some project or another in the past. Besides, this was his neighborhood now, as of about a month ago. His latest contract hadn’t been a huge deal, but it had afforded him this moderate step up, as far as living arrangements were concerned.
Nagayan sighed after a minute though, when he realized to his disappointment that tonight the bar was filled with unfamiliar faces.
Despite his fleeting thought from before, he really hadn’t planned on drinking, but… for lack of anything else to do, he ordered a drink, and then another, and then… as the room started to spin a little, Nagayan reasoned decidedly that it didn’t matter if he knew anyone at the bar or not. He was going to find someone to drink with right now, or this was going to get depressing. He glanced back at the table he had left a good half hour ago, almost losing his balance on the bar stool in the effort. Tuti appeared to be telling another story again, and now… girls? Had there been girls there before? Nagayan couldn’t remember and he grumbled a little at this.
He could see where this was most likely headed though, and he figured he should probably just go home. Despite sometimes really wanting to be able to drink on par with his friends, Nagayan really didn’t have a very high tolerance for alcohol at all. This was something he had long since stopped acknowledging though, even when Kimeru or his other friends teased him about it. Usually he just stopped right around now, regardless of what everyone else was doing, right around the time when he wondered if he was going to fall off his chair, or stool, in this case, and right around the time when he realized he had lost the ability to filter out his thoughts. For this reason, Nagayan knew he would have a few choice words for Tuti right now, if his friend were to remember his manners and come over to the bar to talk to him, so it was probably a good thing, he reasoned, that he was being ignored.
Ten minutes later, Nagayan felt even more strongly that he should just leave, but… his apartment seemed really far away right now, even though it was two…no three blocks away at most. And it was kind of too late also, he realized, to his slight dismay. He certainly wasn’t in the mood to stumble home on his own tonight.
He wasn’t really worried though. Tuti would get him home safely, Nagayan was confident of that. That is, if Tuti remembered he existed. He wondered for a second if maybe Tuti was angry, because of how he had abruptly left the table, or for some other reason, but… he couldn’t think of what that would be, and decided to just wait for Tuti to figure out where he was. Everything was blurring together in his mind anyway, and he knew he should just stop thinking, because it was usually pointless to try to figure Tuti out, even when he was sober. But deep inside of him, it seemed there was something pulling at his insides, and his stomach twisted uncomfortably at the thought of how ridiculous this whole situation was. Tuti inviting him, and then Tuti not being anywhere near him when… Nagayan swallowed hard at the word that had pricked at the corner of his mind…need. He stared down at his hands, folded in front of him on the surface of the bar, not sure if his vision was blurring because of the alcohol, or… something else.
Nagayan blinked after a second though, and his eyes cleared a little, as he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. He had to squint to make out the face of the person next to him, the face of a person he had never seen before, but whose hand remained on his shoulder just long enough that it caused a blush of warmth to grace Nagayan’s cheeks, as his face turned a slightly deeper shade of pink for a moment. The hand shifted a little towards the edge of his shirt, and hovered close to the bare skin of his exposed shoulder, sending an involuntary shiver down Nagayan’s spine at the sensation. Nagayan cursed himself inwardly for getting so drunk that he was allowing himself to be turned on by complete strangers, and at the bar, no less.
He listened, as the guy told him something to the effect that he looked like he needed someone to buy him a drink. Nagayan almost chuckled at the man’s blatant attempt at getting his attention, but instead just flashed a smile, figuring that it couldn’t hurt to put his charms to good use on someone who looked like they would be more than willing to pick up his tab at the end of the evening.
It would be ok, because he was sure at some point Tuti would come over anyway. After all Tuti had invited him, because he planned to actually hang out with him at some point, right? Nagayan tried to ignore the voice that was telling him to get up, now, and go back to Tuti’s table, because at the very least if he was going to get this drunk, he should do it with his friend, but in the end, he found himself accepting the offer he had been presented with all too eagerly. His new friend had smiled, and ordered a bottle of expensive sake, and Nagayan wanted to laugh, knowing that at this point he would be unable to tell the difference anyway.
To his surprise, it did taste pretty good though, Nagayan thought, as his cup was refilled, though he was sure he was just drunk, because he hated sake, usually. The guy had laughed when he told him this, and Nagayan wondered briefly what was so funny, before allowing his cup to be refilled again.
And that was pretty much the last thing Nagayan remembered.
**
When Nagayan opened his eyes the next day he could tell immediately that he must have had a really bad night. Or perhaps a really good night, depending on his perspective, though somehow he doubted that this was the case. His head was pounding, and he had this weird, light-headed feeling that usually he only got when he was sick, or really, really hung over. He hoped it was the latter, because he hated being sick more than anything. At least hangovers, he reasoned, even huge ones, were usually gone and forgotten by the afternoon, which was something he could deal with much more easily than actually being sick.
He searched for some memory of what he had done the night before, and was a little surprised at the fuzzy, vague jumble of images his mind was able to come up with. He knew that he had gone out after the shoot had finished, and that it had been annoying, and he had come home, and then… Tuti had called. Right. Tuti.
Nagayan closed his eyes to stop the room from spinning. He was surprised. Usually by the morning he was ok, no matter how much he’d had to drink.
He opened his eyes again after a few seconds, trying to convince himself that he should get up, and at least figure out what time it was. He needed to check his schedule too. He thought that he remembered having had a photo shoot or something scheduled later in the day. He blinked slowly, confused by how foggy and muddled everything still felt to him. He would definitely need to have a lot of coffee before going anywhere today, he was thinking, as he tried to force himself into alertness.
Nagayan sat up, and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, pausing for a second to catch his breath. He forced himself to stand up, but the room was pitching horribly, and suddenly, he knew he was going to be sick. He barely made it to the bathroom, even though it was just a few steps down the hallway.
**
Nagayan leaned heavily on the edge of the bath behind him, and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. He was angry. He wasn’t sure what he had been thinking the night before, but he was sure that there couldn’t really be a good excuse for his allowing this to happen.
For all the lingering anxiety and negativity he was feeling, he couldn’t pinpoint any one thing that had happened that would have caused him to feel this way. The more he tried to remember, and couldn’t, the angrier and more frustrated he found himself getting. His headache seemed to be getting worse too, which really wasn’t helping.
He knew that against his better judgment, and even though he had been really tired, he had agreed to meet Tuti and that Tuti had ignored him. He had left Tuti’s table and gone to the bar. After that, the details got considerably fuzzier but…the more he thought about it, the more he wondered if his current state wasn’t an indirect result of him wanting to solicit some kind of attention from Tuti, because he had felt ignored. It was silly, and childish, but Nagayan knew that it was not outside the realm of possibility. He had been really annoyed, more than annoyed really, that Tuti had invited him, and then failed to even so much as introduce him to his friends. Tuti had just in general made him feel almost…insignificant. His feelings had been hurt. But Nagayan shook his head. Tuti was just Tuti… and he really didn’t want to think about his friend anymore right now.
He just hoped he hadn’t made a fool out of himself. He tried to think of the specifics of the evening, how late he had been out, how he had gotten home, if anything had happened out that was of the ordinary, if he had even talked to Tuti after leaving the table, but…he was having a hard time concentrating.
There was an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach, and suddenly a powerful wave of nausea washed over him, cutting off his thoughts. Nagayan willed himself not to be sick again, taking a deep breath through his nose and concentrating on keeping his body completely still. The horrible feeling passed after a minute, but Nagayan kept his eyes closed anyway. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that there were a lot of things he needed to do…get up, check his schedule, take a shower, get dressed, make coffee, but…he just didn’t want to move.
Nagayan blinked his eyes open again quickly though, in surprise, when he felt someone standing in the doorway to the bathroom.
Maybe it was just the shock of the unexpected, or all of the connotations associated with Tuti obviously having spent the night in his apartment, or maybe it was just because he had never seen Tuti look at him like this before, with his eyes so deep and dark that Nagayan could feel himself being drawn into his gaze with an alarming quickness, but… suddenly his heart was pounding. He could feel the blood pulsing through his veins, with a rapidly increasing rhythm and steadiness. All of the sudden he was aware of everything all at once. The fogginess was gone, and Nagayan could see and feel everything with what seemed like a heightened sense of clarity. The clamminess of the floor on his bare feet, and how the corner of the bath was poking into the space between his shoulders… the folds of Tuti’s wrinkled cotton t-shirt where it was still half-tucked into his jeans, and the soft scratch of Tuti’s fingers as they moved absently over the top of his head. Tuti was barefoot too, he noticed, his eyes drifting down to the floor and then back up to Tuti’s face.
Nagayan blinked, and took a deep breath, which he had to remind himself to release after a moment, as Tuti’s eyes cleared a little, and his mouth twisted upwards into in a tentative smile. Tuti was looking at him with a strange expression too now, behind the smile, almost as if he was both surprised and relieved to see Nagayan there. Which, Nagayan realized, was exactly how he felt about seeing Tuti right now. This reaction didn’t really make sense to Nagayan though, for either of them, and Tuti’s serious look despite the smile was making him a little nervous.
The horrible feeling in his stomach was coming back, and Nagayan felt a little of the fogginess creeping back in again now too, along with the dull ache of his head, and he closed his eyes in a long, slow blink, trying again to stay still until the moment passed. He opened his eyes after a second, and glanced at Tuti, who was approaching him now, silently. His pace and his concern seemed familiar somehow, though Nagayan was sure he had never seen Tuti act like this before.
Nagayan was still feeling too sick to really say anything, when Tuti finally spoke, asking him if he was ok, so he just nodded, and then closed his eyes instinctively when Tuti knelt down at his side, reaching a hand forward and placing it on his forehead. The back of Tuti’s hand was cool, and Nagayan could feel the hairs on his arms standing on end, as he became aware of the close proximity of the rest of the body connected to this hand. Tuti seemed concerned though, asking Nagayan a series of questions about how he was feeling in a low voice. Nagayan nodded and shook his head appropriately to Tuti’s questions, even though they really weren’t making much sense to him, especially when Tuti was leaning so close over him, which was not only distracting, but was making him feel a little warm and dizzy. Or maybe that part wasn’t Tuti’s fault, and he was just sick…Nagayan wasn’t sure. Finally he just shrugged off Tuti’s hand though, and leaned back against the bath again, reclaiming a normal and respectable distance between them, and trying to calm his heart down.
“What happened last night,” Nagayan asked, trying to relax and trying not be distracted by the fact that Tuti was staring at him warily as if he expected something horrible to happen any second. He knew that his voice had sounded groggy and tired, and his throat hurt a little too, but…he didn’t seem that bad, did he? He had meant to ask Tuti why he was here too, but he hoped that would come with the answer to his first question, since he really didn’t feel like saying anything else right now.
“You don’t remember?” Tuti asked cautiously, and sat down across from Nagayan on the floor, crossing his legs, and running a hand absently through his hair again without taking his eyes off his friend.
Tuti’s eyes were dark and serious again, and Nagayan could feel his face getting a little warm as he shook his head. All of the sudden he had a horrible thought, one that would explain this situation perfectly right now. He hoped - he really, really, really hoped - that he hadn’t done something stupid last night. With Tuti… or anyone else, for that matter. The thought was making him feel a little sick again, as he imagined the consequences of something like that having happened.
When he looked at Tuti again though, the seriousness had vanished, and his friend’s eyes were shining with familiar amusement, which Nagayan decided, wasn’t really any less disarming. He wasn’t in the mood for their usual games, he realized, and hoped Tuti would get to the point quickly, so he could stop worrying.
His friend’s laugh sounded a little nervous, “I guess I didn’t really expect you to remember, but… I do think that I deserve a little thanks for getting you home and then staying up with you all night.”
Nagayan was confused, now, more so than he had been before. If he was still this sick now, he was sure that he would have just passed out last night. Nothing was making any sense, and Nagayan wondered if he should just get back into bed and give up on figuring anything out. He wanted Tuti to explain quickly, but he just didn’t have the energy to ask the necessary questions. Besides, he realized suddenly, a slight edge of panic creeping into his thoughts, he really needed to figure out what time it was. He squinted at the clock on the shelf behind Tuti.
Nagayan blinked, and almost felt his heart almost stop as he realized how late it was. Actually it was beyond late. It was the middle of the day, the middle of a work day, and he remembered now, in his shock, that the photo shoot must have been for late morning, or early afternoon at best, because his manager was taking the rest of the weekend off, and they had arranged this for earlier than usual for this very reason. He couldn’t be exactly sure without his schedule in front of him, but at the very least he would be unforgivably late for it. And he seriously could not imagine rushing around to do anything right now. Just the thought of it made his stomach turn uncomfortably. All he wanted to do was go back to sleep.
“Fuck,” he said quietly to himself, not sure of what to do. He would need to make up some excuse. Some kind of emergency. He would have to. He knew that this was not going to go over well at all with his manager. He couldn’t believe how stupid he was.
“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Nagayan looked at Tuti for sympathy, a slight whine creeping into his voice. “You know, I could get fired for this?”
“You won’t get fired,” Tuti said softly. “And its not like I didn’t try to wake you up.”
Nagayan frowned, wondering how hard Tuti had really tried to wake him up, as he tried to figure out what he should do, despite the steady pounding of his head. After a few seconds, Tuti stood up abruptly, giving him a look that seemed to mean he had just remembered something important.
Nagayan could hear him rummaging around through the kitchen cabinets, and after a minute, Nagayan wondered if he should just get up and find whatever it was Tuti was looking for. He didn’t really want to risk being sick again right now though. He was feeling a little better, aside from his head, but… he still felt safer sitting down.
His friend emerged in the doorway several minutes later, holding out a large glass of water and a couple of aspirin. Nagayan frowned, but Tuti insisted, still seeming to regard him a little tentatively, which only continued to add to Nagayan’s anxiety about what had happened the night before. He really didn’t want to have to ask again. Tuti was looking at him expectantly, and Nagayan realized he must have zoned out for a second.
“I couldn’t get you to drink anything last night, but you need to. You’ll get dehydrated.” Tuti studied him for a moment. “How bad is your headache?”
Nagayan shrugged, but gave Tuti a strange look, wondering how he knew about that.
“You keep squinting and doing that thing with your eyebrows,” Tuti explained, smiling. “So, I just figured...”
Nagayan smiled a little, remembering that Tuti had mentioned this before, about his weird faces. He didn’t get headaches often, but when he did they were sometimes bad, and he had a tendency to forget that he could take medicine for it, and according to Tuti made this strange sort of grimace, usually until someone asked him about it, and he was reminded of the wonders of over-the-counter pain remedies.
Tuti kept talking, telling him he was sure he would feel better once he restored his fluids, and his voice remained calm, something Nagayan was grateful for. He tried again to relax, and to ignore the pulse of blood in his temples, and the fact that he really just didn’t feel like himself.
“Your manager called earlier,” Tuti was saying. “And I explained to him that you were sick. I told him you were in the emergency room all night, and that they thought it was food poisoning. He seemed to understand. He didn’t sound angry.”
The coolness of the liquid felt good on his throat, Nagayan realized after the glass was empty, though he wished he had thought of the medicine before, because then it would be working by now.
He sighed and thought about what Tuti had just said. He was definitely grateful that Tuti was here, and that he was willing to try to cover for him but…he wondered what his manager would possibly think hearing Tuti trying to explain a preposterous story like that over the phone? He was sure that it would have been better to have just let his voicemail pick up. Nagayan told Tuti this, but then regretted it almost immediately.
“What?” Nagayan whined, responding to the look Tuti was giving him, which was a bit severe. “Sorry, I just… he’s going to wonder why you’re picking up my phone, right?” Nagayan finished lamely.
“Well, either that or he was going to wonder why you weren’t picking up your phone. I figured it was better to tell him something, otherwise he’d be on his way over here, right?”
Nagayan stared at him, before he shook his head and started to ask again, a little reluctantly, “Tuti, what-” But he stopped at the look on Tuti’s face.
Tuti paused, and something dark flashed in his eyes for a second before his face settled into a smile. “Do you want me to start before, or after you passed out at the bar,” he said, winking slyly, his voice sounding deliberately playful now.
Nagayan coughed in surprise. “I passed out at the bar?”
Tuti nodded and there was a quick flash of anger in his eyes, which surprised Nagayan, or maybe it was something different, he wasn’t sure. “Yeah, practically in some guy’s lap who probably would have dragged you home with him if I hadn’t come over to find you.”
Nagayan was embarrassed. He honestly didn’t remember that at all. He vaguely remembered accepting a drink from someone… but… He would have to think more on that later. He definitely didn’t want to hear anything more about that from Tuti right now though.
“So did you have to carry me home, or what?” Nagayan forced a small laugh, in his attempt to change the subject, though he knew that this wasn’t really funny. He was too old to be carried home from bars. Especially by people other than Kime, who he figured was just as guilty as he was for behaving irresponsibly, so it didn’t matter. But by Tuti? There was just something that felt wrong about that.
“Of course I did, what else was I going to do? I had to call Kimeru first though, to find out where you lived. It’s a good thing I still had his number in my phone.”
Nagayan was confused for a second, but then remembered that he had just moved, and that he had never gotten around to sending his new address out. Tuti knew the general vicinity of his new apartment, but he would have had no way to have known the street or building.
“Gomen, Tuti. I must have been really out of it,” he said with a sheepish half smile that he was sure Tuti could tell was forced. “I didn’t do anything really embarrassing though, did I?”
Then Tuti got a decidedly evil grin on his face, and Nagayan immediately regretted asking this question, which he knew Tuti would manage to somehow twist around on him. When Tuti apparently decided on his answer he grinned mischievously.
“You mean aside from making out with an entire table full of my friends?” Tuti said, raising his eyebrows at his friend with a sideways glance.
“Baka… I know I don’t act like that.” At least he hoped not. He might get a little flirtatious, but… to his knowledge he usually didn’t take it any further than that. For some reason Nagayan really didn’t like the direction this conversation seemed to be going in.
Tuti raised his eyebrows at his friend innocently. “Last night must have been an exception then.”
Nagayan squirmed, just a little, as he wondered exactly what Tuti meant by that. “I said I was sorry,” he grumbled, and pouted again, trying again to change the subject. “So, what, are you mad at me now?”
“No, not really. I was at first last night, but then you had me so worried, I forgot about being mad.”
Nagayan looked at him, puzzled.
“You were really sick,” Tuti said after a second. “I would have taken you to the hospital, but since you wouldn’t stop… vomiting, I figured maybe it was best to stay here with you.” Tuti looked at him seriously now. “It was scary,” he finished.
Nagayan didn’t say anything for a while. He wasn’t sure if he should be embarrassed, or just relieved that Tuti had been around. Because Nagayan could tell that Tuti meant what he had said, that he was being serious. Nagayan really felt terrible. He was angry with himself, and… he just felt like an idiot. Tuti was watching him though, waiting for him to say something, it seemed.
“I…I really don’t know what to say,” Nagayan raised his eyes to Tuti’s face before quickly setting his attention back on his hands which lay limply in his lap as he spoke. “I usually don’t get sick from alcohol at all. I’m sorry, ” Nagayan finished honestly, forcing himself to meet Tuti’s eyes again, so that Tuti would know that he was serious too.
Tuti looked surprised at first, and then almost embarrassed, which Nagayan couldn’t figure out. As far as he could tell, he was the only one who had any business being embarrassed here. When Tuti spoke, his voice was quiet.
“You don’t have to apologize. I just… I was worried about you. And I felt like it was my fault, for leaving you up at the bar. I kept planning to come find you, but…” his voice trailed off, and Nagayan fought the twinge of bitterness was feeling, thinking of how he had felt sitting alone at the bar. He willed himself to forget about last night and just listen, as Tuti continued.
But Tuti’s voice had taken on a different, noticeably unguarded tone, and Nagayan found himself taken slightly aback. “And then you were talking to that guy, and… I’m sorry, Takashi. I shouldn’t have called you last night. I just… we haven’t seen each other in a while, and it seemed like a good excuse. I’m sorry.”
Nagayan stared at Tuti for a second in disbelief, before he was able to come up with a response to that. He wasn’t used to Tuti being so…open with him. It was strange.
“Baka…” He looked at Tuti, waiting for him to smile, or laugh, but he didn’t, and Nagayan could feel his face getting gradually warmer the longer they stared at each other in silence. Nagayan really didn’t like seeing Tuti like this; it was making him uncomfortable, and he was already embarrassed enough that Tuti had seen him in such a stupid, ridiculous state. And Tuti seemed strange right now, vulnerable and cautious around him in an odd way that made Nagayan want to squirm a little again. But he tried to smile. They were both probably just tired. “It’s my fault. I got carried away. I’m just glad you were around, ok?”
Tuti didn’t say anything, but half-nodded in what must have been agreement, which Nagayan figured would have to be enough for right now. They could talk more later, but right now Nagayan was really tired of being on the floor of his bathroom. He was feeling better, his headache was fading, and he wondered if he shouldn’t take advantage of this opportunity. He stood up, after a few seconds, happy that the room was no longer spinning, and wondered suddenly if he should take a shower. This might help him relax a little, and he also felt really dirty and could still smell the smoke from the bar in his hair, and he hated that. He extended a hand to Tuti, who was still sitting on the floor, looking deep in thought.
“I need to take a shower,” Nagayan said, interrupting his friend’s contemplation, and pouting a little, trying to let Tuti know that everything was ok, and hoping that things actually would be, once he felt clean and relaxed and awake. Nagayan was fine when he was the one being moody and thinking too much, but it really seemed wrong when it was Tuti acting like this.
Tuti looked at him, a little warily, and Nagayan laughed, “Don’t worry, I feel better. I think I’ll be ok.”
Tuti nodded, and then smiled, still a little cautiously, and Nagayan winked, trying to be as charming as he could when he knew he was mess and probably looked like hell, mostly just because he wanted to bring things between them back to a level he could feel comfortable with, and this usually worked.
“What was that look for?” Tuti’s laugh was real and genuine, and Nagayan just shrugged, but was pleased and almost relieved to see him back to his usual self.
“Coffee?” Tuti asked before turning to leave.
“Hmm, yeah…”
Nagayan paused and thought for a second, stretching his arms above his head, and feeling the muscles pull and stretch comfortably, as he twisted the strain from one side to the other, before bringing his arms back down to his sides. He was relieved that the atmosphere seemed to have lightened now, and that some of his tension had receded. “But I can make it when I get out,” he said finally.
Tuti laughed. “Surely you don’t honestly think you’re the only one capable of making a decent pot of coffee?” Tuti paused and Nagayan tried not to look guilty. “Trust me, for once, ok?”
Nagayan snorted at being read so completely and then laughed in agreement, as Tuti closed the door to the bathroom. Nagayan could hear him, still chuckling as he continued down the hall and he smiled to himself. Sometimes, he realized, he forgot how much he enjoyed being around Tuti, and how well they got along usually. He was still smiling, as he undressed and stepped into the bath, happy to be able to put the night before out of his mind, at least for a few minutes.
**
Notes: Please let me know what you think? ^__^
Title: Pulse
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Word Count: 7,637
Chapter: 1/?
Warnings: yaoi...angst?
Rating: PG-13 for now (basically just for situations involving alcohol and brief language)
Notes: This takes place sometime in the early spring, a few months after the end of the 4th musical. I expect it to be about 3-4 chapters total... This first one is a bit longer than usual for me for a first chapter though, so it's possible that the next one could be shorter? Chapter One is all Nagayan's POV. Chapter Two will be Tuti. :)
Disclaimer: No basis in reality. Possible incorrect retelling of events? I'm bad with timelines and stuff like that, so... ^_^
x-posted to tutixnagayan
Nagayama Takashi had already been a little drunk when Tuti called.
It was almost ironic, he was thinking, because for weeks now, his schedule had been so intense, that he really hadn’t had much time to think, let alone socialize, and now he was on the verge of going out twice in one night. Nagayan was amused too, because he was sure that Tuti didn’t believe him when he tried to explain that had he called any other night in the past three weeks, he would have found Nagayan either still at the studio, or asleep already. On the phone, his friend had just laughed, but Nagayan was sure he’d have something to say about it later. Tuti never passed up the opportunity to make fun of him, after all. And being home alone, late on a Friday night, offering unnecessary explanations for his state of inebriation would probably provide decent enough fuel to keep Tuti going for a while. But it couldn’t really be helped, he figured.
Tonight had marked the end of his latest project, and at the end of the day’s shoot, Nagayan had felt pretty much obligated to join in the celebration that had ensued. He had left early though, not because he had been having a bad time really, but…when someone in the group suggested changing locations, which allowed him an excuse to slip away without seeming rude, he found himself taking advantage of the opportunity without much thought.
Nagayan was able to fit in with just about anyone, when he wanted to, but… it was strange, the feeling he got from this group of people. He really preferred to have at least one close friend with him to fall back on in a group, and he didn’t really have that here. It had been almost painful tonight to have to listen to the boring shop talk and sometimes annoying humor of the people he was with, without anyone to joke about it in peace with at some point during the evening.
And it wasn’t as if the job itself hadn’t been fun, it was just that Nagayan had realized a while ago that he didn’t really have much in common with his current group of colleagues, and spending the night drinking with them would never have been first on his list of ways he’d like to spend a free evening. But regardless, this week had been tiring, with so many long hours spent wrapping up the production, that he probably would have been relieved to call it an early night no matter who he was with.
Nagayan had come home in a less than cheerful mood though, despite the effects of the alcohol, and despite the fact that he had successfully escaped what had been quickly turning into a very boring evening. He wasn’t particularly surprised though.
It always happened this way, after all, when he finished something, a project or anything that consumed a great deal of his time. While he was engrossed in an activity, he rarely thought about anything but the matter at hand, but the afterwards part was a different story. He had time to think now that this was over and for some reason thinking wasn’t making him very happy right now.
Because when he thought about things, about his life, for example, he found that rather than evaluating his career, or what he had accomplished so far, or looking at how satisfied or content he was, rather than these things, Nagayan found himself somehow dwelling on what wasn’t there. And that really wasn’t like him at all. Usually if something seemed to be missing, he quickly filled that gap with something else. Or he figured out how to get whatever it was that he wanted and didn’t have and he got it. But… right now something was missing and he really didn’t know what it was. This made it much more difficult to fill the gap, he figured.
This feeling of emptiness had faded while he had been occupied with his last job, but had been lurking around for a while. Nagayan recognized this as being silly, even as he admitted to feeling this way. Because Tenimyu had just been a job, like anything else. Clearly he was not cut out for this profession at all if he was going to feel weird and sad every time something ended, even if it had been a really wonderful experience.
But, he didn’t feel like this all the time, and the musicals really had been different than anything else Nagayan had been a part of. Maybe this was just how it was with stage work, versus film and television, but Nagayan had been surprised by how creative the process had been, and surprised by how he really felt that he had become a part of something bigger than himself, seeing the fans from up on stage, and feeling the support of his friends in the cast. Nagayan was used to playing his role, and learning his lines, but… he wasn’t used to feeling like he was really creating something on stage, as he had felt with the musicals.
The experience had been different, and special for him, and maybe it had been like this, to certain extent, for everyone in the cast. He had talked about it with Kimeru, and his friend had made him feel a little better, at least by making him realize that he wasn’t the only one who experienced these feelings. Kime missed it too, the bond they’d had as a cast, and how wonderful it had been to be on stage making what sometimes felt like magic. Kime had been around a lot longer than he had too, and even he agreed that it had been special. But… Nagayan couldn’t help but feel silly sometimes, reminiscing about something like this, and missing it. He hated how these thoughts crept into his mind too, at the most unexpected times. Tonight, for example, he had found that he couldn’t help thinking that he would have had a million times more fun if he had been out with a different group of cast members.
So when Tuti called, Nagayan wondered why he wasn’t happier.
The smile that had automatically twisted upwards on his lips when he heard the other man’s voice filtering through the phone faded after a second, and Nagayan really couldn’t pinpoint why. But tonight his senses felt dulled and hollow in comparison to Tuti’s excited, happy voice on the other end of the line. Nagayan tried his best to shake it off, but… it was as if the removal of just a few of his inhibitions made ignoring the ache of nostalgia in the pit of his stomach that he seemed to always feel lately when talking to Tuti impossible. Tuti seemed to be in a great mood though, Nagayan was thinking, a little morosely, and after he hung up the phone, he allowed his mind to wander for a second.
Tuti was completely different from anyone Nagayan had ever known, much less been friends with. They were very, very different people, and yet had somehow managed to maintain a friendship despite these differences, one that had survived between musicals, and one that remained even now, after the job they had shared was over for good. He wasn’t sure what it was that drew him to Tuti, but that was definitely what it felt like sometimes. Maybe it was just that ridiculous, infectious laugh, though Nagayan was sure that this was just one of many things that had sparked his interest in his former stage partner.
In general, Tuti just felt good to be around, and Nagayan liked that. Sometimes he felt like all of his friends combined couldn’t make him laugh as much as Tuti did in one conversation and even though he knew it was sometimes an act, he didn’t really mind. He liked that he could always count on Tuti to make him smile. Tuti had the ability to turn just about anything into a joke too, and Nagayan enjoyed having someone like that around him, even if it meant putting up with some extremely silly and embarrassing antics at times.
He couldn’t remember anyone else ever having such an effect on him - always being able to make him smile despite the situation, and despite the state of his mood. Nagayan possessed his own somewhat strange sense of humor, and he had been surprised to find someone who both shared this, and was able to compete with him in terms of weirdness at the same time. It was also nice to feel understood, and Tuti had an uncanny ability to seem like he always knew exactly what Nagayan was thinking or feeling, sometimes before Nagayan even realized it himself. Either way, he was happy, if maybe a little surprised, that he and Tuti had kept in touch after the end of the musicals.
And it had worked out well so far. Nagayan genuinely liked Tuti, and felt comfortable around him, and that had made it fairly easy to keep up their friendship, at least for his part, though Tuti had seemed eager to maintain the contact too. But despite this, there were memories that came to mind sometimes, of their interactions during the musicals, that caused Nagayan to wonder, every so often, what the real reason was that they had had managed to stay in touch.
The memories lingered there, in a far corner of Nagayan’s mind where he had left them a while ago. There were touches and glances…indescribable sensations that he revisited more often than he wanted to admit, maybe simply because they hadn’t been replaced by other experiences yet. He wasn’t sure.
Once, briefly, there had been a kiss.
Nagayan told himself that this, especially this, had been nothing. There had certainly not been any evidence to the contrary, and for this reason, Nagayan had told himself a long time ago that there was no point in thinking about it. It was in the past. For both of them, Nagayan guessed, but definitely for him. Nagayan really didn’t want to dwell on things that he knew he had no explanation for, and that could never be revisited. He and Tuti were friends now, if on a somewhat casual level, but… the closeness they had shared when they were working together seemed like it had happened in another world. The kiss had happened in another world too, which was part of the reason Nagayan figured he had managed to push it out of his mind. This was fine though, and to be expected, Nagayan told himself. They had their own lives. He was busy.
Tuti had been busy lately too, with a long run of *pnish* shows, and Nagayan tried to remember if it had been a month or more, two maybe, since he had last seen Tuti. It bothered him, though he wasn’t sure why because it wasn’t as if he had any free time to hang out with anyone either. And it wasn’t as if they hadn’t tried, several times, to make plans. It just hadn’t worked out. There would be another job they would work on together, in the summer, but that seemed too far away to even think about right now, though Nagayan found that he was looking forward to it. Still though, right now, Tuti had shows at night, and Nagayan was in production all day, so it just hadn’t been possible to meet very often.
Despite this, and despite knowing Tuti had been lucky to catch him at home and not asleep, or on his way out to something or other, Nagayan had experienced serious second thoughts about accepting Tuti’s invitation. He tried to tell himself it was because he was tired, but…he figured that this probably wasn’t the real reason.
Tuti had a habit of ignoring him around his *pnish* friends, and Nagayan hated being ignored, especially when he was already in a less than cheerful mood. He hated the thought of any more socializing tonight too, and he knew this was how it would be. He felt closed off right now, even from Tuti, and he knew he’d only feel this more strongly if he had to compete for attention. And he could hear Tuti’s happy post-performance high in his voice too, something Nagayan hadn’t felt in a while. He just wasn’t sure he would make for very good company, especially if Tuti was in as good a mood as he seemed to be. But in the end, it hadn’t taken much to twist his arm. After all, they were right around the corner, and he wanted to see his friend.
**
The first thing he thought when he caught sight of Tuti and his friends, none of whom Nagayan had ever met before, was that he wished he were a little more drunk than he was. This was a thought the likes of which he hadn’t had in a long time, and he was almost embarrassed for thinking it tonight. Nagayan wasn’t sure where Moriyama and the others were, or who these people were surrounding his friend’s small table, but… the fact that it took someone nudging Tuti in the ribs to get him to stop talking long enough to wave Nagayan over to a seat at their table, pretty much set the mood for the evening, in Nagayan’s mind anyway.
After ten minutes of having to explain to these people he hadn’t even been introduced to how he and Tuti had met, what his current projects were, how he liked his management company, and other meaningless small talk, Nagayan was reminded once again, of why he sometimes really hated hanging out with Tuti.
As soon as he could, he extracted himself from the table, and headed for the restaurant’s Western style bar, which he was extremely grateful for all of the sudden. Leaving was out of the question, since he had just arrived, but here he could probably make it seem like he had seen a friend at the bar, and explain his absence from the table that way. With any luck, he wouldn’t have to go back to the table at all; at least that was the plan.
Nagayan refused to think about how annoyed he was with Tuti, and also decided that he was not willing to entertain any other unpleasant thoughts for the remainder of the evening. Sulking in the privacy of his own home was one thing, but once he was out, he figured, there was a certain obligation placed upon him to at least try to have a good time.
He scanned the bar hopefully. Nagayan knew a lot of people. Especially here in Harajuku, a neighborhood which attracted a lot of actor and musician types, many of whom he had probably worked with on some project or another in the past. Besides, this was his neighborhood now, as of about a month ago. His latest contract hadn’t been a huge deal, but it had afforded him this moderate step up, as far as living arrangements were concerned.
Nagayan sighed after a minute though, when he realized to his disappointment that tonight the bar was filled with unfamiliar faces.
Despite his fleeting thought from before, he really hadn’t planned on drinking, but… for lack of anything else to do, he ordered a drink, and then another, and then… as the room started to spin a little, Nagayan reasoned decidedly that it didn’t matter if he knew anyone at the bar or not. He was going to find someone to drink with right now, or this was going to get depressing. He glanced back at the table he had left a good half hour ago, almost losing his balance on the bar stool in the effort. Tuti appeared to be telling another story again, and now… girls? Had there been girls there before? Nagayan couldn’t remember and he grumbled a little at this.
He could see where this was most likely headed though, and he figured he should probably just go home. Despite sometimes really wanting to be able to drink on par with his friends, Nagayan really didn’t have a very high tolerance for alcohol at all. This was something he had long since stopped acknowledging though, even when Kimeru or his other friends teased him about it. Usually he just stopped right around now, regardless of what everyone else was doing, right around the time when he wondered if he was going to fall off his chair, or stool, in this case, and right around the time when he realized he had lost the ability to filter out his thoughts. For this reason, Nagayan knew he would have a few choice words for Tuti right now, if his friend were to remember his manners and come over to the bar to talk to him, so it was probably a good thing, he reasoned, that he was being ignored.
Ten minutes later, Nagayan felt even more strongly that he should just leave, but… his apartment seemed really far away right now, even though it was two…no three blocks away at most. And it was kind of too late also, he realized, to his slight dismay. He certainly wasn’t in the mood to stumble home on his own tonight.
He wasn’t really worried though. Tuti would get him home safely, Nagayan was confident of that. That is, if Tuti remembered he existed. He wondered for a second if maybe Tuti was angry, because of how he had abruptly left the table, or for some other reason, but… he couldn’t think of what that would be, and decided to just wait for Tuti to figure out where he was. Everything was blurring together in his mind anyway, and he knew he should just stop thinking, because it was usually pointless to try to figure Tuti out, even when he was sober. But deep inside of him, it seemed there was something pulling at his insides, and his stomach twisted uncomfortably at the thought of how ridiculous this whole situation was. Tuti inviting him, and then Tuti not being anywhere near him when… Nagayan swallowed hard at the word that had pricked at the corner of his mind…need. He stared down at his hands, folded in front of him on the surface of the bar, not sure if his vision was blurring because of the alcohol, or… something else.
Nagayan blinked after a second though, and his eyes cleared a little, as he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. He had to squint to make out the face of the person next to him, the face of a person he had never seen before, but whose hand remained on his shoulder just long enough that it caused a blush of warmth to grace Nagayan’s cheeks, as his face turned a slightly deeper shade of pink for a moment. The hand shifted a little towards the edge of his shirt, and hovered close to the bare skin of his exposed shoulder, sending an involuntary shiver down Nagayan’s spine at the sensation. Nagayan cursed himself inwardly for getting so drunk that he was allowing himself to be turned on by complete strangers, and at the bar, no less.
He listened, as the guy told him something to the effect that he looked like he needed someone to buy him a drink. Nagayan almost chuckled at the man’s blatant attempt at getting his attention, but instead just flashed a smile, figuring that it couldn’t hurt to put his charms to good use on someone who looked like they would be more than willing to pick up his tab at the end of the evening.
It would be ok, because he was sure at some point Tuti would come over anyway. After all Tuti had invited him, because he planned to actually hang out with him at some point, right? Nagayan tried to ignore the voice that was telling him to get up, now, and go back to Tuti’s table, because at the very least if he was going to get this drunk, he should do it with his friend, but in the end, he found himself accepting the offer he had been presented with all too eagerly. His new friend had smiled, and ordered a bottle of expensive sake, and Nagayan wanted to laugh, knowing that at this point he would be unable to tell the difference anyway.
To his surprise, it did taste pretty good though, Nagayan thought, as his cup was refilled, though he was sure he was just drunk, because he hated sake, usually. The guy had laughed when he told him this, and Nagayan wondered briefly what was so funny, before allowing his cup to be refilled again.
And that was pretty much the last thing Nagayan remembered.
**
When Nagayan opened his eyes the next day he could tell immediately that he must have had a really bad night. Or perhaps a really good night, depending on his perspective, though somehow he doubted that this was the case. His head was pounding, and he had this weird, light-headed feeling that usually he only got when he was sick, or really, really hung over. He hoped it was the latter, because he hated being sick more than anything. At least hangovers, he reasoned, even huge ones, were usually gone and forgotten by the afternoon, which was something he could deal with much more easily than actually being sick.
He searched for some memory of what he had done the night before, and was a little surprised at the fuzzy, vague jumble of images his mind was able to come up with. He knew that he had gone out after the shoot had finished, and that it had been annoying, and he had come home, and then… Tuti had called. Right. Tuti.
Nagayan closed his eyes to stop the room from spinning. He was surprised. Usually by the morning he was ok, no matter how much he’d had to drink.
He opened his eyes again after a few seconds, trying to convince himself that he should get up, and at least figure out what time it was. He needed to check his schedule too. He thought that he remembered having had a photo shoot or something scheduled later in the day. He blinked slowly, confused by how foggy and muddled everything still felt to him. He would definitely need to have a lot of coffee before going anywhere today, he was thinking, as he tried to force himself into alertness.
Nagayan sat up, and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, pausing for a second to catch his breath. He forced himself to stand up, but the room was pitching horribly, and suddenly, he knew he was going to be sick. He barely made it to the bathroom, even though it was just a few steps down the hallway.
**
Nagayan leaned heavily on the edge of the bath behind him, and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. He was angry. He wasn’t sure what he had been thinking the night before, but he was sure that there couldn’t really be a good excuse for his allowing this to happen.
For all the lingering anxiety and negativity he was feeling, he couldn’t pinpoint any one thing that had happened that would have caused him to feel this way. The more he tried to remember, and couldn’t, the angrier and more frustrated he found himself getting. His headache seemed to be getting worse too, which really wasn’t helping.
He knew that against his better judgment, and even though he had been really tired, he had agreed to meet Tuti and that Tuti had ignored him. He had left Tuti’s table and gone to the bar. After that, the details got considerably fuzzier but…the more he thought about it, the more he wondered if his current state wasn’t an indirect result of him wanting to solicit some kind of attention from Tuti, because he had felt ignored. It was silly, and childish, but Nagayan knew that it was not outside the realm of possibility. He had been really annoyed, more than annoyed really, that Tuti had invited him, and then failed to even so much as introduce him to his friends. Tuti had just in general made him feel almost…insignificant. His feelings had been hurt. But Nagayan shook his head. Tuti was just Tuti… and he really didn’t want to think about his friend anymore right now.
He just hoped he hadn’t made a fool out of himself. He tried to think of the specifics of the evening, how late he had been out, how he had gotten home, if anything had happened out that was of the ordinary, if he had even talked to Tuti after leaving the table, but…he was having a hard time concentrating.
There was an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach, and suddenly a powerful wave of nausea washed over him, cutting off his thoughts. Nagayan willed himself not to be sick again, taking a deep breath through his nose and concentrating on keeping his body completely still. The horrible feeling passed after a minute, but Nagayan kept his eyes closed anyway. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that there were a lot of things he needed to do…get up, check his schedule, take a shower, get dressed, make coffee, but…he just didn’t want to move.
Nagayan blinked his eyes open again quickly though, in surprise, when he felt someone standing in the doorway to the bathroom.
Maybe it was just the shock of the unexpected, or all of the connotations associated with Tuti obviously having spent the night in his apartment, or maybe it was just because he had never seen Tuti look at him like this before, with his eyes so deep and dark that Nagayan could feel himself being drawn into his gaze with an alarming quickness, but… suddenly his heart was pounding. He could feel the blood pulsing through his veins, with a rapidly increasing rhythm and steadiness. All of the sudden he was aware of everything all at once. The fogginess was gone, and Nagayan could see and feel everything with what seemed like a heightened sense of clarity. The clamminess of the floor on his bare feet, and how the corner of the bath was poking into the space between his shoulders… the folds of Tuti’s wrinkled cotton t-shirt where it was still half-tucked into his jeans, and the soft scratch of Tuti’s fingers as they moved absently over the top of his head. Tuti was barefoot too, he noticed, his eyes drifting down to the floor and then back up to Tuti’s face.
Nagayan blinked, and took a deep breath, which he had to remind himself to release after a moment, as Tuti’s eyes cleared a little, and his mouth twisted upwards into in a tentative smile. Tuti was looking at him with a strange expression too now, behind the smile, almost as if he was both surprised and relieved to see Nagayan there. Which, Nagayan realized, was exactly how he felt about seeing Tuti right now. This reaction didn’t really make sense to Nagayan though, for either of them, and Tuti’s serious look despite the smile was making him a little nervous.
The horrible feeling in his stomach was coming back, and Nagayan felt a little of the fogginess creeping back in again now too, along with the dull ache of his head, and he closed his eyes in a long, slow blink, trying again to stay still until the moment passed. He opened his eyes after a second, and glanced at Tuti, who was approaching him now, silently. His pace and his concern seemed familiar somehow, though Nagayan was sure he had never seen Tuti act like this before.
Nagayan was still feeling too sick to really say anything, when Tuti finally spoke, asking him if he was ok, so he just nodded, and then closed his eyes instinctively when Tuti knelt down at his side, reaching a hand forward and placing it on his forehead. The back of Tuti’s hand was cool, and Nagayan could feel the hairs on his arms standing on end, as he became aware of the close proximity of the rest of the body connected to this hand. Tuti seemed concerned though, asking Nagayan a series of questions about how he was feeling in a low voice. Nagayan nodded and shook his head appropriately to Tuti’s questions, even though they really weren’t making much sense to him, especially when Tuti was leaning so close over him, which was not only distracting, but was making him feel a little warm and dizzy. Or maybe that part wasn’t Tuti’s fault, and he was just sick…Nagayan wasn’t sure. Finally he just shrugged off Tuti’s hand though, and leaned back against the bath again, reclaiming a normal and respectable distance between them, and trying to calm his heart down.
“What happened last night,” Nagayan asked, trying to relax and trying not be distracted by the fact that Tuti was staring at him warily as if he expected something horrible to happen any second. He knew that his voice had sounded groggy and tired, and his throat hurt a little too, but…he didn’t seem that bad, did he? He had meant to ask Tuti why he was here too, but he hoped that would come with the answer to his first question, since he really didn’t feel like saying anything else right now.
“You don’t remember?” Tuti asked cautiously, and sat down across from Nagayan on the floor, crossing his legs, and running a hand absently through his hair again without taking his eyes off his friend.
Tuti’s eyes were dark and serious again, and Nagayan could feel his face getting a little warm as he shook his head. All of the sudden he had a horrible thought, one that would explain this situation perfectly right now. He hoped - he really, really, really hoped - that he hadn’t done something stupid last night. With Tuti… or anyone else, for that matter. The thought was making him feel a little sick again, as he imagined the consequences of something like that having happened.
When he looked at Tuti again though, the seriousness had vanished, and his friend’s eyes were shining with familiar amusement, which Nagayan decided, wasn’t really any less disarming. He wasn’t in the mood for their usual games, he realized, and hoped Tuti would get to the point quickly, so he could stop worrying.
His friend’s laugh sounded a little nervous, “I guess I didn’t really expect you to remember, but… I do think that I deserve a little thanks for getting you home and then staying up with you all night.”
Nagayan was confused, now, more so than he had been before. If he was still this sick now, he was sure that he would have just passed out last night. Nothing was making any sense, and Nagayan wondered if he should just get back into bed and give up on figuring anything out. He wanted Tuti to explain quickly, but he just didn’t have the energy to ask the necessary questions. Besides, he realized suddenly, a slight edge of panic creeping into his thoughts, he really needed to figure out what time it was. He squinted at the clock on the shelf behind Tuti.
Nagayan blinked, and almost felt his heart almost stop as he realized how late it was. Actually it was beyond late. It was the middle of the day, the middle of a work day, and he remembered now, in his shock, that the photo shoot must have been for late morning, or early afternoon at best, because his manager was taking the rest of the weekend off, and they had arranged this for earlier than usual for this very reason. He couldn’t be exactly sure without his schedule in front of him, but at the very least he would be unforgivably late for it. And he seriously could not imagine rushing around to do anything right now. Just the thought of it made his stomach turn uncomfortably. All he wanted to do was go back to sleep.
“Fuck,” he said quietly to himself, not sure of what to do. He would need to make up some excuse. Some kind of emergency. He would have to. He knew that this was not going to go over well at all with his manager. He couldn’t believe how stupid he was.
“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Nagayan looked at Tuti for sympathy, a slight whine creeping into his voice. “You know, I could get fired for this?”
“You won’t get fired,” Tuti said softly. “And its not like I didn’t try to wake you up.”
Nagayan frowned, wondering how hard Tuti had really tried to wake him up, as he tried to figure out what he should do, despite the steady pounding of his head. After a few seconds, Tuti stood up abruptly, giving him a look that seemed to mean he had just remembered something important.
Nagayan could hear him rummaging around through the kitchen cabinets, and after a minute, Nagayan wondered if he should just get up and find whatever it was Tuti was looking for. He didn’t really want to risk being sick again right now though. He was feeling a little better, aside from his head, but… he still felt safer sitting down.
His friend emerged in the doorway several minutes later, holding out a large glass of water and a couple of aspirin. Nagayan frowned, but Tuti insisted, still seeming to regard him a little tentatively, which only continued to add to Nagayan’s anxiety about what had happened the night before. He really didn’t want to have to ask again. Tuti was looking at him expectantly, and Nagayan realized he must have zoned out for a second.
“I couldn’t get you to drink anything last night, but you need to. You’ll get dehydrated.” Tuti studied him for a moment. “How bad is your headache?”
Nagayan shrugged, but gave Tuti a strange look, wondering how he knew about that.
“You keep squinting and doing that thing with your eyebrows,” Tuti explained, smiling. “So, I just figured...”
Nagayan smiled a little, remembering that Tuti had mentioned this before, about his weird faces. He didn’t get headaches often, but when he did they were sometimes bad, and he had a tendency to forget that he could take medicine for it, and according to Tuti made this strange sort of grimace, usually until someone asked him about it, and he was reminded of the wonders of over-the-counter pain remedies.
Tuti kept talking, telling him he was sure he would feel better once he restored his fluids, and his voice remained calm, something Nagayan was grateful for. He tried again to relax, and to ignore the pulse of blood in his temples, and the fact that he really just didn’t feel like himself.
“Your manager called earlier,” Tuti was saying. “And I explained to him that you were sick. I told him you were in the emergency room all night, and that they thought it was food poisoning. He seemed to understand. He didn’t sound angry.”
The coolness of the liquid felt good on his throat, Nagayan realized after the glass was empty, though he wished he had thought of the medicine before, because then it would be working by now.
He sighed and thought about what Tuti had just said. He was definitely grateful that Tuti was here, and that he was willing to try to cover for him but…he wondered what his manager would possibly think hearing Tuti trying to explain a preposterous story like that over the phone? He was sure that it would have been better to have just let his voicemail pick up. Nagayan told Tuti this, but then regretted it almost immediately.
“What?” Nagayan whined, responding to the look Tuti was giving him, which was a bit severe. “Sorry, I just… he’s going to wonder why you’re picking up my phone, right?” Nagayan finished lamely.
“Well, either that or he was going to wonder why you weren’t picking up your phone. I figured it was better to tell him something, otherwise he’d be on his way over here, right?”
Nagayan stared at him, before he shook his head and started to ask again, a little reluctantly, “Tuti, what-” But he stopped at the look on Tuti’s face.
Tuti paused, and something dark flashed in his eyes for a second before his face settled into a smile. “Do you want me to start before, or after you passed out at the bar,” he said, winking slyly, his voice sounding deliberately playful now.
Nagayan coughed in surprise. “I passed out at the bar?”
Tuti nodded and there was a quick flash of anger in his eyes, which surprised Nagayan, or maybe it was something different, he wasn’t sure. “Yeah, practically in some guy’s lap who probably would have dragged you home with him if I hadn’t come over to find you.”
Nagayan was embarrassed. He honestly didn’t remember that at all. He vaguely remembered accepting a drink from someone… but… He would have to think more on that later. He definitely didn’t want to hear anything more about that from Tuti right now though.
“So did you have to carry me home, or what?” Nagayan forced a small laugh, in his attempt to change the subject, though he knew that this wasn’t really funny. He was too old to be carried home from bars. Especially by people other than Kime, who he figured was just as guilty as he was for behaving irresponsibly, so it didn’t matter. But by Tuti? There was just something that felt wrong about that.
“Of course I did, what else was I going to do? I had to call Kimeru first though, to find out where you lived. It’s a good thing I still had his number in my phone.”
Nagayan was confused for a second, but then remembered that he had just moved, and that he had never gotten around to sending his new address out. Tuti knew the general vicinity of his new apartment, but he would have had no way to have known the street or building.
“Gomen, Tuti. I must have been really out of it,” he said with a sheepish half smile that he was sure Tuti could tell was forced. “I didn’t do anything really embarrassing though, did I?”
Then Tuti got a decidedly evil grin on his face, and Nagayan immediately regretted asking this question, which he knew Tuti would manage to somehow twist around on him. When Tuti apparently decided on his answer he grinned mischievously.
“You mean aside from making out with an entire table full of my friends?” Tuti said, raising his eyebrows at his friend with a sideways glance.
“Baka… I know I don’t act like that.” At least he hoped not. He might get a little flirtatious, but… to his knowledge he usually didn’t take it any further than that. For some reason Nagayan really didn’t like the direction this conversation seemed to be going in.
Tuti raised his eyebrows at his friend innocently. “Last night must have been an exception then.”
Nagayan squirmed, just a little, as he wondered exactly what Tuti meant by that. “I said I was sorry,” he grumbled, and pouted again, trying again to change the subject. “So, what, are you mad at me now?”
“No, not really. I was at first last night, but then you had me so worried, I forgot about being mad.”
Nagayan looked at him, puzzled.
“You were really sick,” Tuti said after a second. “I would have taken you to the hospital, but since you wouldn’t stop… vomiting, I figured maybe it was best to stay here with you.” Tuti looked at him seriously now. “It was scary,” he finished.
Nagayan didn’t say anything for a while. He wasn’t sure if he should be embarrassed, or just relieved that Tuti had been around. Because Nagayan could tell that Tuti meant what he had said, that he was being serious. Nagayan really felt terrible. He was angry with himself, and… he just felt like an idiot. Tuti was watching him though, waiting for him to say something, it seemed.
“I…I really don’t know what to say,” Nagayan raised his eyes to Tuti’s face before quickly setting his attention back on his hands which lay limply in his lap as he spoke. “I usually don’t get sick from alcohol at all. I’m sorry, ” Nagayan finished honestly, forcing himself to meet Tuti’s eyes again, so that Tuti would know that he was serious too.
Tuti looked surprised at first, and then almost embarrassed, which Nagayan couldn’t figure out. As far as he could tell, he was the only one who had any business being embarrassed here. When Tuti spoke, his voice was quiet.
“You don’t have to apologize. I just… I was worried about you. And I felt like it was my fault, for leaving you up at the bar. I kept planning to come find you, but…” his voice trailed off, and Nagayan fought the twinge of bitterness was feeling, thinking of how he had felt sitting alone at the bar. He willed himself to forget about last night and just listen, as Tuti continued.
But Tuti’s voice had taken on a different, noticeably unguarded tone, and Nagayan found himself taken slightly aback. “And then you were talking to that guy, and… I’m sorry, Takashi. I shouldn’t have called you last night. I just… we haven’t seen each other in a while, and it seemed like a good excuse. I’m sorry.”
Nagayan stared at Tuti for a second in disbelief, before he was able to come up with a response to that. He wasn’t used to Tuti being so…open with him. It was strange.
“Baka…” He looked at Tuti, waiting for him to smile, or laugh, but he didn’t, and Nagayan could feel his face getting gradually warmer the longer they stared at each other in silence. Nagayan really didn’t like seeing Tuti like this; it was making him uncomfortable, and he was already embarrassed enough that Tuti had seen him in such a stupid, ridiculous state. And Tuti seemed strange right now, vulnerable and cautious around him in an odd way that made Nagayan want to squirm a little again. But he tried to smile. They were both probably just tired. “It’s my fault. I got carried away. I’m just glad you were around, ok?”
Tuti didn’t say anything, but half-nodded in what must have been agreement, which Nagayan figured would have to be enough for right now. They could talk more later, but right now Nagayan was really tired of being on the floor of his bathroom. He was feeling better, his headache was fading, and he wondered if he shouldn’t take advantage of this opportunity. He stood up, after a few seconds, happy that the room was no longer spinning, and wondered suddenly if he should take a shower. This might help him relax a little, and he also felt really dirty and could still smell the smoke from the bar in his hair, and he hated that. He extended a hand to Tuti, who was still sitting on the floor, looking deep in thought.
“I need to take a shower,” Nagayan said, interrupting his friend’s contemplation, and pouting a little, trying to let Tuti know that everything was ok, and hoping that things actually would be, once he felt clean and relaxed and awake. Nagayan was fine when he was the one being moody and thinking too much, but it really seemed wrong when it was Tuti acting like this.
Tuti looked at him, a little warily, and Nagayan laughed, “Don’t worry, I feel better. I think I’ll be ok.”
Tuti nodded, and then smiled, still a little cautiously, and Nagayan winked, trying to be as charming as he could when he knew he was mess and probably looked like hell, mostly just because he wanted to bring things between them back to a level he could feel comfortable with, and this usually worked.
“What was that look for?” Tuti’s laugh was real and genuine, and Nagayan just shrugged, but was pleased and almost relieved to see him back to his usual self.
“Coffee?” Tuti asked before turning to leave.
“Hmm, yeah…”
Nagayan paused and thought for a second, stretching his arms above his head, and feeling the muscles pull and stretch comfortably, as he twisted the strain from one side to the other, before bringing his arms back down to his sides. He was relieved that the atmosphere seemed to have lightened now, and that some of his tension had receded. “But I can make it when I get out,” he said finally.
Tuti laughed. “Surely you don’t honestly think you’re the only one capable of making a decent pot of coffee?” Tuti paused and Nagayan tried not to look guilty. “Trust me, for once, ok?”
Nagayan snorted at being read so completely and then laughed in agreement, as Tuti closed the door to the bathroom. Nagayan could hear him, still chuckling as he continued down the hall and he smiled to himself. Sometimes, he realized, he forgot how much he enjoyed being around Tuti, and how well they got along usually. He was still smiling, as he undressed and stepped into the bath, happy to be able to put the night before out of his mind, at least for a few minutes.
**
Notes: Please let me know what you think? ^__^