Not a Drop to Drink
Not a Drop to Drink
Original Air Date: 11-05-1982
I'm going to stop capping the car porn - I'm sure you've all gotten the idea by now. This is not to say there is no more, just that I think it would be overkill.
Our episode begins on the open prairie.
now with driftwood and extra barbed wire
A trio of ne'er-do-wells are setting bombs on a small dam holding back a retention pond, although in this episode it is consistently referred to as a "catchment basin." I will refer to the pond the same way, although I believe it is incorrect terminology.
keep your eye on the one in the black hat
I used to have a reddish-brown denim jacket that looked exactly like this
Meanwhile, back at the ranch (literally), a bunch of ranchers are having a little thank-you picnic for Devon Miles and a woman of color named Ms. Wade, who is a Foundation lawyer. In about six minutes she will have her last line of dialogue, and after this episode she will disappear, never to be seen again.
chili and beer ... first class!
One of the ranchers is giving a speech, in which he engages in some gender stereotyping by joking that he was nervous when the Foundation sent a lawyer and she turned out to be a lady, and everyone laughs because it's hilarious to reinforce the idea that women in general are incompetent and it's a surprise when an exception is found to this rule.
the lady lawyer doesn't think the joke is funny
neither does Devon actually
The upshot of the speech is that Wade and Devon have obtained a court ruling that the local water belongs to the ranchers and not to a guy named Bremmon (my best guess on spelling). Everyone is grateful. The speech is interrupted by a heckler. This is Francesca Morgan.
the red hair gives you an idea of what kind of personality she's been assigned
Fran notes that Bremmon has been trying to obtain the rights to the water legally up until this point, but now that the legal system is off the table there's no telling what he might try. Off to one side, Fran's son Kevin asks his grandfather (Fran's father-in-law) to explain Fran's remarks - they won, right? Grandpa says that they won in court, but "the real world" doesn't always work that way.
if only a mysterious stranger could come and save us
It's a curious message, that the legal system does not represent the real world. It's consistent with the Knight Rider theme that some criminals operate "above the law" and must be tackled outside the courts, but that only makes it more dangerous. "Take the law into your own hands," the original message tells us, "because the state cannot protect you." This new, modified version adds, "The law operates on a completely parallel track from you and is irrelevant to your life. The state doesn't protect you because it's not designed to protect you."
This actually has the potential to be an insightful message, because it is true for many marginalized groups. However, the characters here are almost exclusively white, and this show is not sufficiently self-aware to turn that around and show how the persecution complex that privileged people sometimes feel is so much bullshit.
The ranchers hand over a little token of their appreciation to the Foundation (it looks like a silver salad bowl - it'll look great in Devon's office next to the Ming vase), and Wade gives a short speech about how honored she is and how she had a great team at the Foundation for this legal fight. She then hands the floor over to Devon, who starts to bloviate but is thankfully interrupted by a series of big explosions in the distance.
that was some powerful chili!
All the ranchers run to see what is going on, and Francesca quickly figures out that the catchment basin has gone 'splodey. She then tells off Devon for thinking his legal victory meant something, and leads the ranchers out to fix the dam. Devon decides that the only thing to do now is to send in the state police the FBI Michael Knight.
Later, in the Foundation semi, Devon drops some exposition for Michael, outlining the background to today's plot. Seems there are eight small ranchers who rightfully own the water and one big rancher who wants to take it away from them. Michael is confident he can stall Bremmon but would like a permanent solution. Wade has an answer: she is filing for an injunction against Bremmon, which will make acts like blowing up other people's property illegal. She seems fairly confident that this injunction will stop Bremmon.
It will take seven-to-ten days to obtain the injunction, and Wade informs Michael that the ranchers must not engage in any "extra-legal activity" of their own. So Michael must not only stop Bremmon from stealing the water, he must also stop the ranchers from doing anything illegal in retaliation, with "the ranchers" meaning Francesca.
So let me see if I have this straight: it's not already illegal to set bombs on dams owned by others. This will only become illegal once the injunction is issued by the court. But anything the ranchers might try along those same lines is "extra-legal activity" and will harm their case. Also, Bremmon is clearly the kind of guy who will respect a court order; we know this because he's already respecting the ruling that the water belongs to the ranchers, except that he isn't doing that at all. But the injunction will totally stop him! Right.
Michael goes to collect KITT from Bonnie, who has been working on him while Michael was being briefed. Michael tries to make a joke and it falls on its face, and then Bonnie shows Michael which button to push to activate KITT's new grappling hook.
yeah, someone is pushing some buttons all right
Michael and KITT take off.
Back at Bremmon's place, some unidentified women in bikinis play in his pool, and Bremmon himself comes galloping up on a horse.
why do horses on TV always look so pissed? or is that a question that answers itself?
Bremmon dismounts and takes a report from Alex, the leader of the ne'er-do-wells who bombed the catchment basin. In the process, Bremmon reveals that he thinks the lawsuit would have gone his way if he'd correctly bribed the judge. They are interrupted by Fran, riding up on her own horse. Bremmon tries to make nice and invites her in, but Fran is having none of it. She warns Bremmon that she knows it was him behind the bombing and he needs to back off. One of Bremmon's henchmen goes for Fran, and she smacks him with her riding crop and rides away.
Alex thinks it would be a good plan to take out Fran, but Bremmon has a better and somewhat less violent idea: just take away their water until the ranchers are forced to leave.
Michael and KITT are underway, headed toward the valley.
KITT looks great from any angle and from any distance
There is a confusing voiceover for this brief scene of KITT on the move, that Bremmon is being warned that Michael is coming and someone else promises to handle it.
Fran rides back to the dam, which the ranchers are repairing. Grandpa reports that they should have the dam repaired by sundown. Then he compares what's going on in their little valley to the Lincoln County Range War, which is pretty lol to me.
That night, Michael sleeps while KITT drives.
tomorrow he'll be able to claim he slept with KITT
The next morning, while KITT cruises through the mists, Michael wakes up and tells KITT that was better than sleeping in a hotel and that he had a terrific dream. He does not tell us what the dream was about, leaving us to guess.
now he just wishes KITT could supply him with a pair of clean and not-sticky pants
KITT says that he's glad Michael enjoyed himself. Yeah. OKAY THEN.
Before long KITT reports large metallic objects ahead.
later, KITT will be able to identify a single flea on a dog at a quarter mile, but for now this is just a "metallic object"
There are three of them, one directly ahead and two coming in from behind along the sides. KITT and Michael agree that this is unfriendly behavior. Michael wants to jump them, but KITT is unable to guarantee a landing, so Michael decides to slide backward between the two coming in from behind.
KITT shows off his ... talents ... yeah, that's it
oh, KITT baby, you don't know what this does to me
Once out of the middle of the front-loaders, KITT goes back down on four wheels and they leave the road to go around the obstruction. We're not told why Michael did not elect to exercise this option to begin with, but oh well.
On the road again, Michael wonders how the dudes in the front-loaders knew they were coming. It's a good question, and one that will never be answered.
They roll into the Morgan ranch, which is actually rather posh.
that fountain doesn't seem too worried about the water supply
Michael quickly makes a new acquaintance.
this dog is named Harry. do you see what we did there?
Grandpa comes out to greet Michael.
say hello to my little friend
Fran also comes out of the house with a gun, her son Kevin with her. Michael introduces himself, and Grandpa asks for some identification (smart guy, Grandpa) so Michael hands over his wallet. His identity established, Grandpa apologizes for pulling a weapon on him, and we learn here that Grandpa has an actual name, and it is Josh.
Kevin immediately begins to admire KITT, but Fran interrupts before Michael can bond with the kid over the hot car. She has work to do and relocates the conversation back to the barn.
Once all the humans are gone, Harry comes over to investigate KITT further.
be glad he's not using your scanner, KITT
KITT attempts to shoo him away, and even employs the roaring-lion file, but Harry widdles on KITT's tire anyway much to KITT's chagrin.
some days there's just no winning
In the barn, Kevin introduces Michael to his mare, who is pregnant and due any day now, and Michael dutifully engages in a vehicle-admiration exchange with the kid by complimenting the horse. He then moves over to Fran, who is grooming her own horse (already saddled), to further introduce himself. Fran has assumed that he is another lawyer, and Michael corrects this assumption. He also offers to leave if she really doesn't want help.
Fran sends Kevin away and then lays into Michael for being so arrogant as to think that he, one dude, can help them. She then provides more exposition: the eight ranches support about 6000 head of cattle, and therefore need about 84,000 gallons of water per day, and they've also had two dry winters in a row so their forage land isn't as foragey as it needs to be. How exactly does Michael propose to solve that? Michael apparently has no answer because he doesn't offer one. She gets on her horse, but before riding off she tells Michael it's okay if he stays in their house, since their help quit and they have lots of room.
When Fran is gone, Grandpa comes over to apologize for her behavior, which makes Michael describe Fran as "gutsy." Grandpa then establishes the relationship by explaining that Fran is his daughter-in-law and that his son is dead. He tells Michael to put his things in the house and then he'll give a tour of the ranch.
Michael collects his bag from KITT, and KITT complains about his tire.
Michael's overnight bag matches KITT's interior, which I think is adorable
Michael blows him off, takes his things into the house, and then goes out back. There, Fran is implementing her plan to get back at Bremmon.
I'm no farmer, but this seems like poor bull safety
Her plan, such as it is, is to take the bull (named Bumper) to Bremmon's and allow it to engage in some bull-based vandalism. Michael is annoyed, and informs her that if she does something like this, it risks sabotaging the lawsuit for the sake of a petty little prank. Fran goes off on him again for being an outsider who basically knows nothing and is in no position to judge her, and Michael retorts that he's just laying down facts that she is "too hot-headed to think about, and maybe too selfish."
too hot-headed to think of facts
While Fran is stewing about this, Bumper gets loose and starts to look aggressive. Michael tells Fran to get out of the way and calls in KITT. KITT objects that he's not a matador, but Michael insists and KITT complies.
I wonder what the ASPCA thought of this scene
Fran and Grandpa watch with amazement as Michael's car, driven by nobody, rounds up Bumper, even gratuitously jumping the bull. Michael is then able to collect the frightened bull without effort. The act ends.
Bumper is thinking about adding to Harry's contribution on KITT's tire
The next act opens at Bremmon's place, where Bremmon is catching some rays and receiving a report from Alex. Arranging another "accident" is going to be difficult, because the ranchers have instituted a round-the-clock guard on the irrigation system.
note the women in the background
Bremmon notes that cutting off the water for even a few hours will be enough to make the herds stampede, and if it's necessary for someone to get hurt to accomplish this, so be it.
Michael and KITT head to the catchment basin.
this clip looks familiar but I don't care, I always love to see KITT from a distance
The ranchers are still working on it. Didn't Grandpa say the work would be done yesterday? Guess that was an excessively-optimistic estimate. Anyway, Michael and Grandpa roll up in KITT and check in with Fran, who is working. Fran exposits: cattle can survive three or four days without water, but after going thirsty for about six hours they'll start to panic and stampede toward the smell of water. Is this true? I have no idea.
Michael asks what he can do to help and Fran sends him to the cement mixer. Grandpa thinks this is overly harsh (???) and defends Michael to Fran, telling her to give him a chance. He also hints that Fran might be attracted to Michael, which literally makes Fran laugh.
Nearby, Alex and his posse are observing the work.
Later that evening, the humans make nice with each other in the house while KITT stands in the driveway, alone and forgotten.
he's not yet become resigned to this fate
Fran sends Kevin off to get ready for bed, and then tells Michael that this range war is not really his fight, and that Bremmon probably hasn't killed anyone yet just because he hasn't had to. Michael reassures her that he'll be okay. Michael then leaves to go relieve the rancher guarding the basin. When he gets into KITT, KITT first expresses impatience, and then when he's called on it he says he's not impatient at all, he just wants to know what's going on (because that's different somehow). Michael explains that they are doing guard duty and KITT is to stay in surveillance, and they drive off.
Once Michael is gone, Fran puts Kevin to bed, and in an unintentionally hilarious exchange she tells him not to let the bedbugs bite and Kevin says he's too old for that now. You're never too old for bedbugs, Kevin! Fran then goes into the kitchen and Grandpa tries to convince her that she should hook up with Michael. Michael is a nice guy, says Grandpa, and Fran retorts that Michael is just drifting through but she doesn't seem very convinced.
Michael and KITT arrive at the basin and relieve the guard on duty, who has seen nothing and who actually does not expect trouble this soon. Once that dude is gone, Michael decides to check the perimeter and tells KITT to stay alert. The three ne'er-do-wells, who are hanging nearby, decide to ambush Michael and steal his car, with predictable results.
you can't get one over on KITT that easily
he sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake
The dude in the brown denim jacket goes for KITT, and is basically freaked when KITT first moves to evade him, then gives him a verbal warning, and finally chases him away at low speeds with his lights flashing. Michael beats up the two guys who tried to beat up him. The three escape.
Michael decides not to chase them, and lightly chastises KITT for scaring the three of them away. KITT thought that was the point, and Michael says no, it actually wasn't. This irritates KITT, who had not been given specific instructions and did the best he could. Michael decides to do the rest of the guarding from inside the car, and lets KITT keep watch.
The next day, Michael and KITT head to Bremmon's ranch "to investigate." As they drive, KITT detects the guy in the brown denim jacket nearby.
KITT refers to this guy as "the one who tried to violate me last night"
Michael decides to hop into the back seat and lay down out of sight, telling KITT to behave like an unfriendly alien.
There follows one of the funniest scenes in the entire Knight Rider run. KITT, now visibly driverless, chases the guy down and finally pins him against a fence.
precision only a computer could achieve
KITT starts a surreal conversation, asking why the guy was running away and calling him "earthling." LOL! When the dude asks who KITT is, KITT responds, "I don't really think you want to know the answer to that. We have had some unfortunate prior experience with earthlings who became too inquisitive."
outer space covers a lot of territory
Michael thinks this is hilarious, because it is
KITT opens his passenger door and tells the guy to get in, as KITT has come to collect him and take him into outer space. LOL again! The dude is, needless to say, not anxious to comply, so KITT gives him an out: if the dude tells him what Bremmon is going to do next, KITT will let him go. "Our supreme council finds [Bremmon's] antics quite amusing." LOL and LOL!
The guy finally spills that Bremmon's next plan involves the main water pipes, so KITT releases him and promises to see him around. HAH! The guy beats feet for the hills.
Michael finally praises KITT for a job well done, and they head off to the pipes. They soon find a huge backhoe threatening the pipes.
this is KITT's nemesis for this episode. yeah, I thought it was lame, too
Thankfully, it is taking its sweet time attacking the pipes. KITT is reluctant to antagonize the machine, but Michael points out that they have no other options. They roar up to the backhoe and fence with it a bit, but while the guy driving the backhoe can't seem to get a swipe in on them, they are unable to do anything to it in return. KITT in particular notes that he's not programmed to kill people.
I'm not even sure why KITT is concerned about the backhoe hitting him
Michael decides that the grappling hook is the answer. He nails one of the backhoe's tires with it and then (get this) tows the backhoe away from the pipes.
so I reckon the problem with towing Lt. Ladd's car really was that Michael hooked it straight to KITT's alpha circuit
They finally make it to Bremmon's place, and no investigation is attempted. Instead, Michael just warns Bremmon that he, Michael Knight, is on the case, and that the backhoe-versus-pipes plan was a failure. They leave.
Michael and Fran then take a long romantic walk along the irrigation stream. Their conversation meanders more than the river. Michael first informs Fran that the Injunction of Deus Ex Machina will be in place by tomorrow evening, but Fran is not so sanguine about Bremmon giving up. Fran then changes the subject to Kevin, and how she and Grandpa are maybe not the best influences on him. Michael reassures her that as long as he is loved Kevin will be fine.
Michael is wearing his big gold K belt buckle for extra lol
Fran then confesses that she has a short temper and that she wishes she didn't. Michael offers some pop psychology tips, and then she asks for a hug and the act ends.
because what she really needed was a hug
The final act opens early the next morning. Kevin is sleeping in the stall with his pregnant mare and wakes in time to catch his mother saddling her horse. She is heading to Bremmon's to find out what is going on. She tells Kevin not to tell Michael, so Kevin instead decides to saddle another horse and follow her.
Meanwhile, Bremmon is instructing Alex and his merry band of ne'er-do-wells to blow the sluice gates at the main reservoir in order to flood out the ranchers before the Injunction of Deus Ex Machina comes down to make that kind of thing illegal. Fran sneaks into Bremmon's barn just in time to hear Alex repeating his incriminating instructions, but she is promptly discovered and captured, and locked up in the pool house. Kevin arrives just in time to witness his mother's capture, and he hightails it back to report this to Michael.
Michael and KITT race to rescue Fran, bringing Kevin and Grandpa along for some reason. KITT locates Fran in the pool house. They break her out by literally breaking her out.
you didn't need that wall, did you?
Fran, now rescued, alerts Michael to the sluice-gate plan. They race to the dam.
hawt
However, they are too late. The bomb has already gone off and water is already spilling from the dam.
a flood of epic proportions?
Michael decides to try to re-dam the flow in a canyon half a mile downstream. This is accomplished using ... KITT's ... rocket fire ...
PAUX
KITT's ability to fire rockets out his tail end will, iirc, never be seen again. At any rate, the rockets knock enough rock and debris off the opposing cliff to dam the canyon and save the day.
this'll stop that epic flood!
there's no chance the water will overtop and sweep away that pile of debris in the next three minutes. also, note the houses in the lower-right for scale
The epilogue finds Devon, stylish gray cowboy-style hat and all, back on the ranch and reporting that Bremmon and his band of merry men are in jail.
so I reckon the courts do work after all
Fran, looking meaningfully at Michael, extends an invitation to come back and visit sometime. Kevin then runs up, apologizing for letting Bumper loose again, which prompts an eager offer to bull-wrangle from KITT.
This episode has several good points in it. I'll start with the terrible very bad "lady lawyer" joke near the beginning. I've already called this one out, but it's worth noting additionally that Ms. Wade is black. The "lady lawyer" joke could have just as easily been a "black lawyer" joke, but it wasn't. Racist jokes are off-limits in 1982. This makes the fact that sexist jokes are not even more glaring. Also: she is careful to include her team back at the Foundation in the praise. She is scrupulous about not taking sole credit. Because it wouldn't do for a woman to have done something awesome all by herself, or to represent herself as her team and take credit without passing some along.
So let's talk about Fran. Francesca Morgan = Michael Knight, according to Devon's explicitly verbalized calculus. The adjectives Devon uses to describe them both are "impulsive," "stubborn," "rebellious," and "indignant," and if anything Devon implies that Fran is slightly less of these things than Michael.
However, note how differently they are depicted. Fran's idea of constructive action is to play a cattle-related practical joke on Bremmon. She's described as the "leader" of the ranchers, which is a plus I suppose, but the only leading she is shown doing is the charge at the start of the episode to fix the catchment basin. She is largely a negative influence on the plot in the first half of the episode, pushing back against Michael's desire to get something accomplished.
I'm especially struck by the little exchange they have just before Bumper gets loose, when Michael tells her that he's laying down facts that she is too hot-headed and selfish to think about. You have a male character and a female one, whom we have been already told are equivalent, and the man is thinking of facts whereas the woman is being tempestuous and selfish. No, there's nothing misogynist in that!
Later, after Fran has warmed up to Michael, she makes a confession that she has too much of a temper and doesn't like it. Essentially, she's confessing to being too emotional, something for which women are faulted far more severely than is the case for men. It's especially interesting to me that her "emotionalism" manifests as anger, an emotion for which men are routinely given a complete pass; my guess is that anger is just not a sufficiently feminine emotion, not that any other emotion would have escaped condemnation.
The relationship between Fran, Grandpa and Michael is just weird to me. Grandpa takes it upon himself to apologize for Fran's behavior, more than once, which is highly presumptuous and I have to wonder if he would have done the same for a male character. I also didn't get what was "harsh" about sending Michael to help with the cement mixer. He tries to play peacemaker between Fran and Michael, but always by criticizing Fran's behavior.
Fran does accomplish one important plot-related thing, by sussing out the sluice-gate-bombing plot, but in the process she must become a damsel in distress and be rescued by literally an entire carload of men. She follows the Maggie-from-the-first-episode template of being a single mother via the mechanism of spousal death, thereby being available for romancing while maintaining an appropriately chaste story.
I'm not even going to touch on the fact that what she really wanted out of life was a hug. I think that speaks for itself. Instead, I will draw your attention to the women who hang around Bremmon's place. They have no lines of dialogue, and serve solely as window dressing. Who are they? We are never told, but I believe we are meant to interpret their presence as an affirmation of Bremmon's wealth and power. He attracts attractive women, therefore he must be all that. In other words, they serve as shorthand for Bremmon's power, rather than existing as people in their own rights. Leastwise, that's all I can come up with.
KITT's characterization advances significantly in this episode. The "unfriendly alien" scene is both lolriffic and a demonstration of KITT's ability to improvise on the fly. I don't know that a human would have been able to do as good of a job at that - it was great enough that even Michael noticed - and that's not even considering the extremely vague instructions he was given to start.
KITT is still in denial here about his own emotional capacity. When Michael accuses him of impatience, KITT pushes back hard, but it's impossible to interpret his issue in that scene as anything but impatience. Maybe another light might be irritation that the humans were having a friendly bonding meal together, in which KITT was unable to participate. In any case, KITT is not displaying a computer's dispassion there.
When Michael gets miffed at him for frightening the ne'er-do-wells away, KITT gets miffed in return because he hadn't been told not to do that. If Michael wants him to behave in a particular way in the future, KITT says, then Michael needs to use his words and tell him so. It's KITT's tone of voice here that betrays that he's irritated, not just confused. Becoming confused at being reprimanded for doing what you thought was the right thing is something an AI with no emotions might do; becoming irritated by this is definitely an emotional response.
Finally, KITT displays reluctance, initially, to engage with the bull, but by the end of the episode he is totally into it and excited to get to do it again. The only explanation I can think of is that he found it fun. This kind of relates to his reaction at the end of the Slammin' Sammy episode - KITT seemed there at the end like he was having fun being a stunt car, and in this one he seems like he thinks bull-wrangling is fun. I think that's a big step. :D
And that's all I have.
Oh, wait, I do have one more thing: that bit with Michael waking up inside KITT is one of the slashiest things I've seen this month. Seriously slashy. And now I am done for reals.