The 8th Nocturnal Revenge-Tragedy (or more of tragedy, actually)
Fandom: Sound Horizon
Album: IdoIdo + Märchen
Character(s): Tettere, Elise, 99*
Warnings: inside jokes, Swedish cursing courtesy of 99.
Complete.
Tettere/99 (also known as Ialdabaoth)/Elize. Anything goes as long as 99 is in the middle of all this. Worst nightmares come true, ay?
The 8th Nocturnal Revenge-Tragedy (or more of tragedy, actually) Act I
Lights up, curtains down. Backstage Staff enters Stage Left with a sign. Backstage Staff holds up sign. Sign reads:
THE 8TH NOCTURNAL REVENGE-TRAGEDY
Backstage Staff lowers sign, takes a marker, and modifies the sign such that it reads:
EVERYONE IS CUTE UGUU PRODUCTIONS presents
THE 8TH NOCTURNAL REVENGE-TRAGEDY
Starring 99
Backstage Staff exits Stage Right, and the curtains are raised.
Lights up on a cross-section of an old well. Elise sits alone at the bottom of the well.
Narrator: The story picks up where we left Elise at the end of Takkei no Seijo, where Märchen dumps Elise for Elisabeth and Elise spends a full minute ranting with electric guitars screaming in the background - Hey, this sounds too much like a TV drama. Anyway, you already know all this, right? Now, let the Reven - cough, let the Tragedy begin!
Elise: Mär… What should I do now? I’m all alone… HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE REVENGE LIKE THIS, YOU IDIOT?!
Backstage Staff pushes 99 from Stage Right. 99 stumbles onstage.
99: Wha-What? Hey, who pushed me?
99 looks around. Marchen-tan enters Stage Right and pushes 99 into the well from behind.
99: AHHHHHH!
Narrator: And so our story begins when our protagonist 99 falls down the well…
Marchen-tan exits Stage Right, probably cackling evilly. 99 falls face-first into the well, splashing water over Elise and the audience.
99 sits up surprisingly unharmed. Elise looks estatic.
Elise: Mär? Mär, you came back! Wait, you’re not Mär. Well, it’s alright, you’ll do fine.
99 spits out well-water and picks at her hair for whatever gunk that’s stuck. The kind that you’d expect to find rotting at the bottom of an old well.
99: What? No! I’m not Märchen. I’m just passing by. SAYONARA.
99 attempts to climb out of the well. Elise clings onto 99’s foot with her small hands. 99 slips on the stones and falls back into the water.
99: FITTA! Let go!
Elise: Ufufu… I love you, 99. From now we’ll always be together, right?
99: … KUK! Wrong!
Elise: *murderous doll mode ON*
99: Eep! … Right.
Elise: AHAHAHAHA! We’ll continue to take revenge on those fools, forever and ever! *murderous doll mode OFF* Hold this!
Elise pushes Märchen’s conductor baton towards 99.
Elise: Now let’s see if Mär’s old chains fit you too…
Elise paws around in the water for chains.
99: Oh, joy…
Orchestra plays strings theme. Tettere enters Stage Left on a horse, in half red, half blue costume. Spotlight follows Tettere as he approaches the well.
Tettere: Where is my ideal bride? I’ve searched west and east, north and south, against rain and wind… but I still couldn’t find her.
Horse trips over and sends Tettere flying into the well.
Tettere: EHHHH?
Tettere falls head-first into the well, splashing water on Elise, and 99. Tettere’s sword collides with 99’s skull.
Tettere sits up and spies the semi-conscious 99.
Tettere: Oh! Could you possibly be my precious Elys?
Elise: I’m Elise, but I’m not yours.
Tettere: I beg your pardon, little lady, but I was not referring to you. I was speaking to this currently incapacitated lady, who seems to be the ideal bride that I’ve been searching west and eas-
99 blinks.
99: We heard you the first time! Arsle, why is everyone making me out to be someone else today?
Tettere: Are you not my Elys then?
99: … NO.
Elise: 99, we must conduct his revenge! Come, sing!
Tettere: Ah, but I am not here for revenge. I’m here for my ideal bride.
Elise: And who could your ideal bride possibly be?
Tettere: The lady with the conductor’s baton. Her name 99, no?
99: … JÄVLA BAJS FITTA KUK ARSLE SATANS SKIT…
Curtain falls.
Intermission
The 8th Nocturnal Revenge-Tragedy (or more of tragedy, actually) Act II
~ End Intermission ~
Narrator: Welcome back to The 8th Nocturnal Reven - fitta! Why do I keep messing up the title… Anyway, welcome to Act II of The 8th Nocturnal Tragedy! Before we begin, though, here’s an excerpt from our new play.
Curtain rises. On the stage, Marchen-tan slaps Haikara around a bit with a large trout. Curtain falls.
Narrator: Our new play, “The Life and Times of a Stress-Relieving Object”, will be performed throughout the year for free as a sign of appreciation for our patrons, without whom The 8th Nocturnal Re - The 8th Nocturnal Tragedy would not have been possible. Thank you very much, and please enjoy the rest of the show!
Curtain rises to reveal the well again with Tettere, 99 and Elise in it.
99: … HORA SKITFITTA and no, for the last time I am not your Elys, you paedophilic necrophile! You just ran away from Nobara-hime, didn’t you? Admit it!
Tettere: I did not! As proof of my sincerity, I offer you these wild roses.
Tettere produces bouquet of wilted roses. 99 stares at them.
Tettere stares at them.
Tettere: Oops. How did this happen?
99: … This just proves that you ditched Nobara-hime! What kind of prince are you?
Tettere: A truly dedicated one. And it was my twin brother, not me!
99: Maybe I can believe that Schneewittchen’s and Nobara-hime’s princes are twins, but triplets? No.
Tettere sniffs and pretends to wipe a tear from his eye. Elise jabs a small hand into said eye. Tettere shrieks and tries to draw his sword but fails miserably. The hilt jabs into 99’s solar plexus.
99: OW!
Elise: I’ve heard enough! 99, you shouldn’t take what this raving prince is saying seriously, let’s just send him away! You love me best, don’t you? Tell him that!
99: Can I say no?
Elise: *murderous doll mode ON*
99: … Fine. I - full stop - love - full stop - Elise - full stop.
Elise: *murderous doll mode OFF* Ufufufu, I love you, 99. We’ll always be taking revenge together, until the 77th revenge - no, the 777777777th , right? AHAHAHAHA!
99: … Right.
Tettere: I refuse to accept this! I challenge you to a duel for the hand of my precious 99!
Elise: I gladly accept.
99: Horkuk! Does nobody here care about my opinion? I’ll get a stroke and die at this rate…
Tettere: You are not dead? Oh dear, that certainly is a problem.
Light bulb lights up above Elise’s head.
Elise: Of course! Whoever kills 99 in a way that leaves her intact and capable of coming back for revenge wins this duel.
99: EXCUSE ME? I must have water in my ears, did you say something about killing me? And revenge? What revenge?
Elise: Hush, 99, it’s for the best. You can’t possibly last till the 777777777th revenge unless you’re dead. And you can come back for revenge forever and ever, isn’t that wonderful?
Tettere: I accept the conditions of this duel.
99: *incoherently* Revenge? Yes, that sounds great… On the person who commissioned this play… On the person who pushed me down this well…
Elise: I’ll go first. Stick her with your sword, loser prince, and be done with it.
Tettere: No, that’ll leave an ugly gash. Drown her in your well, doll.
Elise: But she’ll turn out puffy and bloated. I don’t want a 99 like that! Slit her wrists!
Tettere: She won’t be if you don’t leave her to rot in the water! Slitting her wrists will take too long! Strangle her with those chains?
Elise: She’ll be bruised! How about we slit her wrists, leave them in the water to promote blood loss, and when she can’t bleed anymore, stick her with the sword and hang her out to dry by her neck?
Tettere: … Ok!
99: On the person who wrote this twisted version of hell… Why are you two smiling like that? No, NOOOOOO! BAJS! KUK! SKIT! …
Curtain falls.
Narrator: In the event that any of you are wondering, 99 will be revived in time for tomorrow’s show.
END