THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT REALLY PROUD OF
Fandom: Sound Horizon
Album: IdoIdo + Märchen
Character(s): Tettere, Elise, 99*, Hiver, Elef, Misia, Thanatos, Michele Malebranche, Alte-Rose, Aprikose
Warnings: inside jokes, Swedish cursing courtesy of 99.
Complete.
Continuation of The 8th Nocturnal Revenge-Tragedy (or more of tragedy, actually), due to commissions, taxes, and general demand.
THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT REALLY PROUD OF - ACT I
Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another evening at the #SoundHorizon theatre. We regret to inform you that due to… certain unforeseen circumstances, we are unable to stage The 8th Nocturnal Tragedy tonight. However, you may be assured that tonight’s play will be equally entertaining. Still, those who wish to live - ahem, those who wish to leave may do so now and get a refund.
Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, SoundHorizonHorseRacing Productions is proud to present THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT REALLY PROUD OF.
Before we begin, allow us to show you the events that transpired that have led us to our current situation…
Curtain rises. Lights up on old well - without cross-section. Backstage Staff drags an unconscious 99 out of the well by her ankles.
Backstage Staff: Oi, 99, show’s over. Time to wake up.
Backstage Staff slaps 99. 99 doesn’t respond. Backstage Staff slaps harder. 99 still doesn’t respond.
Backstage Staff: Crap. DIRECTOR! We have a problem!
Director enters Stage Right.
Director: What’s the problem?
Director notices unconscious 99.
Director: Oh crap, she maxed out her regeneration limit, didn’t she? Crap crap crap. I knew that staging The 8th Nocturnal Tragedy for a whole month was pushing it.
Backstage Staff: May I ask why the heck you still did it then?
Director: Because Marchen-tan apparently enjoys performing her advertisement too much, and I have my taxes to pay.
Backstage Staff: … Ok.
Director and Backstage Staff glare/stare at 99. No response.
Director: It can’t be helped then. We’ll have to perform a new play tomorrow night. Go get Id to reanimate her corpse in the meantime.
Curtain falls.
Narrator: The next day…
Curtain rises. Lights up on old well. Elise sits on 99’s shoulder. 99 is wearing Alte-Rose’s spare costume accessorised with chains and brandishing the conductor’s baton. Horse chews on roses around the well. Director marches in dragging Hiver.
Director: Alright, here’s our last-minute understudy. And he already has heterochromia to boot. Hiver, get on that horse. Elise, play nice.
Hiver mounts horse. Director shoves cue cards into his hand.
99: How come he gets cue cards? It’s not fair!
Director: Because the audience likes your impromptu lines so much more, 99. Now, can we PLEASE get this rehearsal under way before Alte-Rose realises her spare costume is missing and throws a hissy fit?
99: … skitta. I get killed in the most gruesome way possible and get reanimated and I don’t even get a break.
Director: ACTION!
Elise: Ufufufu… I love you, 99. Let’s go help those idiots with their revenge, shall we?
99: That actually sounds like a good idea right now. Sure, why not?
Silence. 99 and Elise stare at Hiver. Director waves arms around and points at Hiver’s cue cards.
Hiver: Ah, excusez-moi, mesdames.
Hiver glances at cue cards
Hiver (as Tettere): Mademoiselle, will you not come with me instead? After all, I have searched north, south, east and west for you.
Splashing sounds emanate from the well.
Tettere (real): It’s “west and east, north and south” you idiot!
99: Forget the directions, it’s supposed to be “Fraulein” to begin with! Director, why the bajs did you choose him as an understudy?
99 throws baton at Hiver, point-first.
Director: Oi, 99, don’t do that…
Baton misses and jabs horse in the eye. Horse rears up and throws Hiver off.
Hiver: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Director: 99! Now look at what you’ve done!
Director points at Hiver nursing a broken arm.
Director: First thing you do when you get revived is stick Tettere to the bottom of the well with his sword, and then you had to break his understudy’s arm too?
99: I am not at all sorry for that.
Director: Can’t be helped then. Backstage, find an understudy for the understudy!
Tettere (real): May I remind you that I am still very much alive…
Director, 99, Elise and Hiver ignore him.
Curtain falls
THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT REALLY PROUD OF - ACT II
Narrator: Now that we’re done with the explanation, we shall now proceed with the play proper. Presenting to you, for real this time, THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT REALLY PROUD OF!
Curtain rises. Spotlight on 99 standing in the well. Elise sits on 99’s shoulder.
Elise: Ufufufu… I love you, 99. Now you’re perfect. We can keep taking revenge on those idiots forever.
99: Can I choose the first victim?
Second spotlight on Elef, not riding a horse, reading off cue cards.
Elef (as Tettere): Uh, I’ll skip this word because I can’t read it… Will you not come with me instead? After all, I have searched west and east, north and south for you.
99: I don’t want to.
Elef: I guess I have no choice but to follow you then, wherever you may go. DIRECTOR, WHY ARE MY LINES SO CHEESY?
Director (from backstage): YOU try writing it in one night then! Now shut it and get back to work!
Elef: I have every right to complain! I didn’t even get to rehearse!
Splashing sounds emanate from inside the well.
Tettere (real): Doll, you’re heavy…
Elise: I weigh more than 10x less than 99, even if she’s dead, stupid prince.
Tettere: It cannot be 99’s fault. She is but a feather, and it is my joy and honour to support her from anywhere, even below!
99 raises foot and stomps on Tettere’s face.
99: Shut up. Now, where’s our victim?
99 brandishes bloody baton. Lights up on stage. Fog rolls in from Stage Left. Misia enters Stage Left hidden in fog. Fake moon is lowered from above.
99 climbs out of well, chains clanking. Elise clings on to 99’s hair. Elef fidgets and looks at cue cards.
Elise: 99, what is this place?
99: How should I know?
Elise: (whispers) You’re supposed to describe the setting.
99: Oh, right. A, uh, foggy place. A full moon. Mysterious person hiding in the fog, why did you cross this border? Come, try to sing…
Elise applauds gleefully. Orchestra starts playing. Misia feels her way out of the fog and sings.
Elef: Hey, why is Misia here? Leave her out of this!
Misia: I’m sorry, Elef. This world I’m born into, ruled by a ruthless god - AH!
Misia trips over random horseshoe and falls. Orchestra falters.
Elef: UWAAAAAAAAAAH! MISIAAAAA!
Elef drops cue cards and runs towards Misia.
Director: ELEF NO! OH SHIT CALL AN INTERMISSION!
Narrator: Right. We will now have a ten-minute intermission.
Curtain falls.
~ Intermission ~
THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT REALLY PROUD OF - ACT III Scene I
~ End Intermission ~
Narrator: Welcome back for Act III of THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT - Haikara, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in the audience in case none of them clap - What? No, I don’t care if Marchen-tan is in that corner holding a trout, just go! - Alright, where was I? Oh yes, welcome back to THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT SO PROUD OF.
Curtain rises. Lights up. Fog continues rolling in from Stage Left. Thanatos stands where an X on the stage marks his position and holds cue cards. Elise and 99 stay in their previous positions.
99: A foggy place. A bloodstained canvas. I didn’t say anything about a moon, so you must have heard me wrong. Mysterious person hiding in the fog, why did you cross this border? Come, try to sing…
Orchestra starts playing. 99 brandishes baton and starts conducting.
Elise: Psst, 99, this piece is in 17 time, not 3 time…
99: HORA! Who composes like that?
Michele Malebranche steps out of fog smiling.
99: Skitfitta, the director must be mad…
Elise: Indeed…
Michele: Sing, hmm? What would you like me to sing? The attic, the game or the flower? Or perhaps the jewel?
99: No no, that’s fine. Elise, what’s next?
Elise: “I see”?
99: Yes, I see. So that’s how you died. Now, let the revenge tragedy begin!
Thanatos (as Tettere): Do not worry, 99, I will protect you! Oh, wait a moment. Mother! Nechros messed up the cue cards! It should have been “99, will you really be happy taking revenge like this?”
Michele: Revenge? But I don’t need revenge. I have all I need right here. Corpses don’t need blood, do they?
Michele advances on 99, smiling and showing her teeth. 99 squeaks and backs away. Elise wobbles and clings onto 99’s hair.
99: Oh, jävla, this is not a good day.
Tettere (real): (from the well) Do not worry, 99, I will protect you!
Thanatos: That’s my line. Do not worry, 99, I will protect you! And while I’m at it, can you hurry up and come to Hades already?
Alte-Rose: (from backstage) Ah-HAH!
Alte-Rose enters Stage Left and points wand at 99.
Alte-Rose: YOU! Who gave you permission to touch my spare dress?
Alte-Rose spies wet tracks left by 99.
Alte-Rose: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO IT?! You proud fool! Your destiny will be to live for fifteen minutes. You will be pricked by something, anything sharp, fall on the floor and DIE!
Alte-Rose waves wand maniacally.
Aprikose: (from backstage) No -
Aprikose enters Stage Right.
Aprikose: Alte-Rose, let’s not say such ill-omened words. A hundred years. She’ll look dead, but she’ll merely be asleep on a bed!
99: NOOOOO! Stupid wise woman, do you know what you’ve done? Alte-Rose’s curse can’t work because I’m already dead! But now you’ve gone and made it so I’ll sleep for a hundred years instead? Why did you have to choose years and not seconds?!
Aprikose: Oh dear.
Alte-Rose: Ohohoho! What a wonderful turn of events!
Elise: 99, RUN!
Tettere: 99, wait for me!
More splashing sounds.
99: Satans, why is my luck so bad?
99 runs. Alte-Rose chases after 99. Aprikose chases after Alte-Rose. All exit Stage Right.
Michele and Thanatos watch them run by.
Thanatos: Such energetic children. Would you like to visit Hades?
Michele: Are you speaking to me?
Thanatos: Yes. Mu and Phi can serve you some blood.
Michele: That sounds very nice indeed.
Thanatos and Michele exit Stage Right.
THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT REALLY PROUD OF - ACT III Scene II
Silence reigns for a few minutes.
Director runs in from Stage Left.
99, sans Elise, stalk in from Stage Left, waving her baton.
99 catches hold of Director.
99: Well well, what do we have here? Director, how would you like to star in a revenge tragedy yourself?
Director: Not at all, to be honest.
99: Oh, but why not? You can be the one whom the dead princesses take revenge on. In fact, I would very much like to be the one taking revenge.
99 smiles.
Director stabs 99 with a pencil
99: Wha - Oh, arsle.
99 passes out.
Curtain falls.
END
Note: many thanks to Defade aka Marchen-tan for her translations.
Album: IdoIdo + Märchen
Character(s): Tettere, Elise, 99*, Hiver, Elef, Misia, Thanatos, Michele Malebranche, Alte-Rose, Aprikose
Warnings: inside jokes, Swedish cursing courtesy of 99.
Complete.
Continuation of The 8th Nocturnal Revenge-Tragedy (or more of tragedy, actually), due to commissions, taxes, and general demand.
THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT REALLY PROUD OF - ACT I
Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another evening at the #SoundHorizon theatre. We regret to inform you that due to… certain unforeseen circumstances, we are unable to stage The 8th Nocturnal Tragedy tonight. However, you may be assured that tonight’s play will be equally entertaining. Still, those who wish to live - ahem, those who wish to leave may do so now and get a refund.
Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, SoundHorizonHorseRacing Productions is proud to present THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT REALLY PROUD OF.
Before we begin, allow us to show you the events that transpired that have led us to our current situation…
Curtain rises. Lights up on old well - without cross-section. Backstage Staff drags an unconscious 99 out of the well by her ankles.
Backstage Staff: Oi, 99, show’s over. Time to wake up.
Backstage Staff slaps 99. 99 doesn’t respond. Backstage Staff slaps harder. 99 still doesn’t respond.
Backstage Staff: Crap. DIRECTOR! We have a problem!
Director enters Stage Right.
Director: What’s the problem?
Director notices unconscious 99.
Director: Oh crap, she maxed out her regeneration limit, didn’t she? Crap crap crap. I knew that staging The 8th Nocturnal Tragedy for a whole month was pushing it.
Backstage Staff: May I ask why the heck you still did it then?
Director: Because Marchen-tan apparently enjoys performing her advertisement too much, and I have my taxes to pay.
Backstage Staff: … Ok.
Director and Backstage Staff glare/stare at 99. No response.
Director: It can’t be helped then. We’ll have to perform a new play tomorrow night. Go get Id to reanimate her corpse in the meantime.
Curtain falls.
Narrator: The next day…
Curtain rises. Lights up on old well. Elise sits on 99’s shoulder. 99 is wearing Alte-Rose’s spare costume accessorised with chains and brandishing the conductor’s baton. Horse chews on roses around the well. Director marches in dragging Hiver.
Director: Alright, here’s our last-minute understudy. And he already has heterochromia to boot. Hiver, get on that horse. Elise, play nice.
Hiver mounts horse. Director shoves cue cards into his hand.
99: How come he gets cue cards? It’s not fair!
Director: Because the audience likes your impromptu lines so much more, 99. Now, can we PLEASE get this rehearsal under way before Alte-Rose realises her spare costume is missing and throws a hissy fit?
99: … skitta. I get killed in the most gruesome way possible and get reanimated and I don’t even get a break.
Director: ACTION!
Elise: Ufufufu… I love you, 99. Let’s go help those idiots with their revenge, shall we?
99: That actually sounds like a good idea right now. Sure, why not?
Silence. 99 and Elise stare at Hiver. Director waves arms around and points at Hiver’s cue cards.
Hiver: Ah, excusez-moi, mesdames.
Hiver glances at cue cards
Hiver (as Tettere): Mademoiselle, will you not come with me instead? After all, I have searched north, south, east and west for you.
Splashing sounds emanate from the well.
Tettere (real): It’s “west and east, north and south” you idiot!
99: Forget the directions, it’s supposed to be “Fraulein” to begin with! Director, why the bajs did you choose him as an understudy?
99 throws baton at Hiver, point-first.
Director: Oi, 99, don’t do that…
Baton misses and jabs horse in the eye. Horse rears up and throws Hiver off.
Hiver: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Director: 99! Now look at what you’ve done!
Director points at Hiver nursing a broken arm.
Director: First thing you do when you get revived is stick Tettere to the bottom of the well with his sword, and then you had to break his understudy’s arm too?
99: I am not at all sorry for that.
Director: Can’t be helped then. Backstage, find an understudy for the understudy!
Tettere (real): May I remind you that I am still very much alive…
Director, 99, Elise and Hiver ignore him.
Curtain falls
THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT REALLY PROUD OF - ACT II
Narrator: Now that we’re done with the explanation, we shall now proceed with the play proper. Presenting to you, for real this time, THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT REALLY PROUD OF!
Curtain rises. Spotlight on 99 standing in the well. Elise sits on 99’s shoulder.
Elise: Ufufufu… I love you, 99. Now you’re perfect. We can keep taking revenge on those idiots forever.
99: Can I choose the first victim?
Second spotlight on Elef, not riding a horse, reading off cue cards.
Elef (as Tettere): Uh, I’ll skip this word because I can’t read it… Will you not come with me instead? After all, I have searched west and east, north and south for you.
99: I don’t want to.
Elef: I guess I have no choice but to follow you then, wherever you may go. DIRECTOR, WHY ARE MY LINES SO CHEESY?
Director (from backstage): YOU try writing it in one night then! Now shut it and get back to work!
Elef: I have every right to complain! I didn’t even get to rehearse!
Splashing sounds emanate from inside the well.
Tettere (real): Doll, you’re heavy…
Elise: I weigh more than 10x less than 99, even if she’s dead, stupid prince.
Tettere: It cannot be 99’s fault. She is but a feather, and it is my joy and honour to support her from anywhere, even below!
99 raises foot and stomps on Tettere’s face.
99: Shut up. Now, where’s our victim?
99 brandishes bloody baton. Lights up on stage. Fog rolls in from Stage Left. Misia enters Stage Left hidden in fog. Fake moon is lowered from above.
99 climbs out of well, chains clanking. Elise clings on to 99’s hair. Elef fidgets and looks at cue cards.
Elise: 99, what is this place?
99: How should I know?
Elise: (whispers) You’re supposed to describe the setting.
99: Oh, right. A, uh, foggy place. A full moon. Mysterious person hiding in the fog, why did you cross this border? Come, try to sing…
Elise applauds gleefully. Orchestra starts playing. Misia feels her way out of the fog and sings.
Elef: Hey, why is Misia here? Leave her out of this!
Misia: I’m sorry, Elef. This world I’m born into, ruled by a ruthless god - AH!
Misia trips over random horseshoe and falls. Orchestra falters.
Elef: UWAAAAAAAAAAH! MISIAAAAA!
Elef drops cue cards and runs towards Misia.
Director: ELEF NO! OH SHIT CALL AN INTERMISSION!
Narrator: Right. We will now have a ten-minute intermission.
Curtain falls.
~ Intermission ~
THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT REALLY PROUD OF - ACT III Scene I
~ End Intermission ~
Narrator: Welcome back for Act III of THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT - Haikara, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in the audience in case none of them clap - What? No, I don’t care if Marchen-tan is in that corner holding a trout, just go! - Alright, where was I? Oh yes, welcome back to THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT SO PROUD OF.
Curtain rises. Lights up. Fog continues rolling in from Stage Left. Thanatos stands where an X on the stage marks his position and holds cue cards. Elise and 99 stay in their previous positions.
99: A foggy place. A bloodstained canvas. I didn’t say anything about a moon, so you must have heard me wrong. Mysterious person hiding in the fog, why did you cross this border? Come, try to sing…
Orchestra starts playing. 99 brandishes baton and starts conducting.
Elise: Psst, 99, this piece is in 17 time, not 3 time…
99: HORA! Who composes like that?
Michele Malebranche steps out of fog smiling.
99: Skitfitta, the director must be mad…
Elise: Indeed…
Michele: Sing, hmm? What would you like me to sing? The attic, the game or the flower? Or perhaps the jewel?
99: No no, that’s fine. Elise, what’s next?
Elise: “I see”?
99: Yes, I see. So that’s how you died. Now, let the revenge tragedy begin!
Thanatos (as Tettere): Do not worry, 99, I will protect you! Oh, wait a moment. Mother! Nechros messed up the cue cards! It should have been “99, will you really be happy taking revenge like this?”
Michele: Revenge? But I don’t need revenge. I have all I need right here. Corpses don’t need blood, do they?
Michele advances on 99, smiling and showing her teeth. 99 squeaks and backs away. Elise wobbles and clings onto 99’s hair.
99: Oh, jävla, this is not a good day.
Tettere (real): (from the well) Do not worry, 99, I will protect you!
Thanatos: That’s my line. Do not worry, 99, I will protect you! And while I’m at it, can you hurry up and come to Hades already?
Alte-Rose: (from backstage) Ah-HAH!
Alte-Rose enters Stage Left and points wand at 99.
Alte-Rose: YOU! Who gave you permission to touch my spare dress?
Alte-Rose spies wet tracks left by 99.
Alte-Rose: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO IT?! You proud fool! Your destiny will be to live for fifteen minutes. You will be pricked by something, anything sharp, fall on the floor and DIE!
Alte-Rose waves wand maniacally.
Aprikose: (from backstage) No -
Aprikose enters Stage Right.
Aprikose: Alte-Rose, let’s not say such ill-omened words. A hundred years. She’ll look dead, but she’ll merely be asleep on a bed!
99: NOOOOO! Stupid wise woman, do you know what you’ve done? Alte-Rose’s curse can’t work because I’m already dead! But now you’ve gone and made it so I’ll sleep for a hundred years instead? Why did you have to choose years and not seconds?!
Aprikose: Oh dear.
Alte-Rose: Ohohoho! What a wonderful turn of events!
Elise: 99, RUN!
Tettere: 99, wait for me!
More splashing sounds.
99: Satans, why is my luck so bad?
99 runs. Alte-Rose chases after 99. Aprikose chases after Alte-Rose. All exit Stage Right.
Michele and Thanatos watch them run by.
Thanatos: Such energetic children. Would you like to visit Hades?
Michele: Are you speaking to me?
Thanatos: Yes. Mu and Phi can serve you some blood.
Michele: That sounds very nice indeed.
Thanatos and Michele exit Stage Right.
THE REVENGE THAT ELISE IS NOT REALLY PROUD OF - ACT III Scene II
Silence reigns for a few minutes.
Director runs in from Stage Left.
99, sans Elise, stalk in from Stage Left, waving her baton.
99 catches hold of Director.
99: Well well, what do we have here? Director, how would you like to star in a revenge tragedy yourself?
Director: Not at all, to be honest.
99: Oh, but why not? You can be the one whom the dead princesses take revenge on. In fact, I would very much like to be the one taking revenge.
99 smiles.
Director stabs 99 with a pencil
99: Wha - Oh, arsle.
99 passes out.
Curtain falls.
END
Note: many thanks to Defade aka Marchen-tan for her translations.