finally..
got home, after a short visit to the bar last night, to an email from sadie waiting in my inbox. i sobered up a little so that i could read it with as clear a mind as possible. i'm not going to repost the entire email, it isn't necessary, but i'm going to post snippets of it so that you can get a jist of
Jen,
I hope you can forgive the delay--I've been thinking about how best to respond to your heartfelt letter.
I will answer your points below, but first I want to say thank you for your honesty and for speaking your mind to me, even though you're not happy about our relationship. I appreciate that a lot.
I know. I am different than you. Your style of friendship is much more social and time-heavy than mine is. And that's wonderful! I think of all the time you spend with Tella, for example, and I know you would be around me as much as I needed you to. I know you require friends who also see you with regularity, check in on you, and reach out when they need a loving presence in their lives.
That's beautiful, and I appreciate it...
I have always been reclusive. My friendships that work for me, are with people that don't mind if I don't see them all summer, except for a couple of good phone talks, and then maybe have to cancel on them (or they on me) until we feel the time is right to meet. You'll notice that each time you and I have gotten together, something really special happens, whether it is having sex, watching a movie, or driving in the car singing to music. My friendships are made up of jewels of days that are few and far between, but meaningful. Sometimes, I cancel dates because I don't feel like the time is right for me to be social.
I'm sorry you see it as "getting the shaft," though I can understand how you would! It's not that I don't want to be around you or see your value as a person--I do, and I know how spectacular you are! It just doesn't fulfill me to spend a lot of time with other people. I have a constant need to do my personal creative and business work, and it doesn't help me to have others around when I do that. It doesn't help to have other people around when I'm upset and trying to figure it out--I'm very much like a man that way. So, this seems to be about different styles of relating and expectation than anything personal about you or your quality as a woman, lover, or friend!
When I spontaneously called to see if you wanted to come up to the party (or when you called and I asked), it was because I really wanted to see you. That's what makes me happy. Then I don't know when I'll see you again until the next time the stars align and we have another moment together. I don't think this will make you happy, however. You call it "flaking out". I call it just being me, and I understand that it is not your meaning of friendship.
I think you want me to fill a role I am not comfortable with. I also think you have a valid point, and a right to ask. I think FOR ME only, I cannot live up to your expectations of what a friend is. I'd still like to be in your life but I can only do it as I naturally am.
as always, i'm here--just in my own way.
sadie
as for my reaction, i won't post it. she said things i needed to hear, and in a healthy, communicative, sensitive way, which i appreciated. i told her that *this* is not the kind of friendship that i am used to. most of my friends are very present and hands-on [for lack of a better term] and that's just not sadie's style. anyway, i think we have a better understanding of each other's needs now, and where i will try not to get frustrated when our plans don't come to fruition, i have asked her to let me know if she's thinking about me. even if it's for a silly reason like seeing "superstar" in the video store and smirking a little [another story, another time] maybe just to email me or call me and let me know i'm on her mind. sometimes i feel invisible.
so anyway, i'm feeling a bit better about that situation. now if i could cure this hangover i'd be in good shape.
oh, an update on the tella front: she was super excited to see me. asked me if i missed her while she was gone and i told her "i miss you when you're across the bridge in brooklyn, let alone across an ocean". we're getting along really well these days. and tonight is our "date night" so i'm looking forward to some outside-the-bar time with her.
you guys are such troopers for reading my long-winded entries. thank you. shorter more provocative ones to come i promise ;)
Jen,
I hope you can forgive the delay--I've been thinking about how best to respond to your heartfelt letter.
I will answer your points below, but first I want to say thank you for your honesty and for speaking your mind to me, even though you're not happy about our relationship. I appreciate that a lot.
I know. I am different than you. Your style of friendship is much more social and time-heavy than mine is. And that's wonderful! I think of all the time you spend with Tella, for example, and I know you would be around me as much as I needed you to. I know you require friends who also see you with regularity, check in on you, and reach out when they need a loving presence in their lives.
That's beautiful, and I appreciate it...
I have always been reclusive. My friendships that work for me, are with people that don't mind if I don't see them all summer, except for a couple of good phone talks, and then maybe have to cancel on them (or they on me) until we feel the time is right to meet. You'll notice that each time you and I have gotten together, something really special happens, whether it is having sex, watching a movie, or driving in the car singing to music. My friendships are made up of jewels of days that are few and far between, but meaningful. Sometimes, I cancel dates because I don't feel like the time is right for me to be social.
I'm sorry you see it as "getting the shaft," though I can understand how you would! It's not that I don't want to be around you or see your value as a person--I do, and I know how spectacular you are! It just doesn't fulfill me to spend a lot of time with other people. I have a constant need to do my personal creative and business work, and it doesn't help me to have others around when I do that. It doesn't help to have other people around when I'm upset and trying to figure it out--I'm very much like a man that way. So, this seems to be about different styles of relating and expectation than anything personal about you or your quality as a woman, lover, or friend!
When I spontaneously called to see if you wanted to come up to the party (or when you called and I asked), it was because I really wanted to see you. That's what makes me happy. Then I don't know when I'll see you again until the next time the stars align and we have another moment together. I don't think this will make you happy, however. You call it "flaking out". I call it just being me, and I understand that it is not your meaning of friendship.
I think you want me to fill a role I am not comfortable with. I also think you have a valid point, and a right to ask. I think FOR ME only, I cannot live up to your expectations of what a friend is. I'd still like to be in your life but I can only do it as I naturally am.
as always, i'm here--just in my own way.
sadie
as for my reaction, i won't post it. she said things i needed to hear, and in a healthy, communicative, sensitive way, which i appreciated. i told her that *this* is not the kind of friendship that i am used to. most of my friends are very present and hands-on [for lack of a better term] and that's just not sadie's style. anyway, i think we have a better understanding of each other's needs now, and where i will try not to get frustrated when our plans don't come to fruition, i have asked her to let me know if she's thinking about me. even if it's for a silly reason like seeing "superstar" in the video store and smirking a little [another story, another time] maybe just to email me or call me and let me know i'm on her mind. sometimes i feel invisible.
so anyway, i'm feeling a bit better about that situation. now if i could cure this hangover i'd be in good shape.
oh, an update on the tella front: she was super excited to see me. asked me if i missed her while she was gone and i told her "i miss you when you're across the bridge in brooklyn, let alone across an ocean". we're getting along really well these days. and tonight is our "date night" so i'm looking forward to some outside-the-bar time with her.
you guys are such troopers for reading my long-winded entries. thank you. shorter more provocative ones to come i promise ;)