(no subject)
once again... it's nice to see you too.
there are quite a few 'things' (this word will be used many times over in this entry) that i have had on and in and around my mind recently, and one of them has to do with why i am doing this little guy right now, but i'll get to that. i suppose i'll start chronologically:
Chapter 1 The Summer Of (Seemingly Unexistant) Love
this summer was weird. it was very detached and very restricted. i truly felt the repercussions of not having a job or even just not making any money at all. which brought me to questioning the validity of the rectangular pieces of paper that we hand around and work for. thinking hard about it made it seem absurd (as is true with most things, actually) and i've wanted for so long to do what i want without worrying about having any of that, but this summer showed me the sad, current truth. besides that, i wasted so much time that i could have a whole nother summer with all of the wasted hours. some of the time, though, was spent thinking about the unfathomable fact that in may i'll be officially in the real world. it's a weird thing to comprehend, like driving by the high school after you graduate and realizing that you'll never have to go there ever again, i'm sure a lot of life-changing events have the same feel. but i finally got my mind around that. a little scary sometimes, mostly because i don't trust myself to keep myself up. it's a bit pathetic, there's probably fifth graders that are more independent than me. but what i didn't think about enough was that i still have to (sucessfully) have to get through another school year.
which brings me to my next chapter; School And The City or I Feel Like Killing Myself Every Day
sadly, the above is partially true. when i first arrived back at "my" apartment, i felt, i guess, to be free from a family house was nice. to not have to worry about being told to give half of my stuff in the basement back to goodwill once a week seemed like a pleasant change. but by the second night when the second bus (the first one i could dismiss as being "a loud one, maybe") powerhoused it's way past my open window (and therefore, past my eardrums) i couldn't take it. for as long as i can remember, i've always tried to not let things bother me, because really, nothing matters that much. but i feel like since i've been back in Philadelphia i've become such a goddamn complaining idiot. i cold give you an extensive list of things that bother me daily at my apartment (Tolouse the cat rolling around on the floor constantly so i have to step over her nearly every time i walk somewhere - the flusher on the toilet being pushed down by the lid which doesn't fit, causing it to constantly run - the hamster [yes, hamster] running on it's wheel at three in the morning - the "handy men" that are power washing the old paint off of our building, waking me up in the morning with a ladder [sometimes directly outside my window] - all of the dishes in the kitchen - the fact that jen stays over, even though jon has to go home three nights a week) and that's only what i can think of stream-of-consciously. but really, i feel like i'm running for The Worst Person Alive Award with this list. i just need to let things happen and be, but it's all getting to me so bad and i don't know why. the city itself is stressing me out, too. on wednesday one of my painting teachers came in to my studio and said "where's your stuff?" and i said "over here." motioning to my side of the room. and he said "yeah, but where's all your work?" and i felt (and still feel) like i'm failing bad at this right now. my mind isn't working like that. i can't live in the city. there are too many people and too much concrete and glass, and too many negative vibrations-i get at least one scowl every day. being in this environment makes it impossible to have a free mind. OR even make you feel free at all. being stuck in this grid of a maze running around with all of these other people that are exactly like you. (and this is a prime example of my current never-ending-complaint list, which i hate exists [and there's another one]) i just feel very restricted and cluttered from living where i am. and i want to go home every day.
Chapter 3: The Pros and Cons Of Being Able To Remember
I came home last weekend for the first real time since school started. i went out to meet eileen and sara the night i got back, and the night also later featured kelsey. it was really good to see them, and i'm very glad that i did. but that combination of those three people added to the nostalgic feeling i get when the weather gets colder left me with the strongest urge to be four years younger. when fall comes i always get this need to come home and drive to princeton because i have this really nice memory of fall of senior year when eileen, beck and i drove there, and the temperature and smell and feeling of being with them then is incredible. so since it was cold when we left the parking lot, i was really feeling that, and (maybe foolishly) came home and, since i still don't have a computer, listened to a lot of music that reminded me of 12th grade. and i have to say, i've never felt such strong nostalgia in my life. i missed everything about this time four years ago. i watched some catwar videos, and i missed playing those songs and feeling and having this connection with each other and everyone. i missed going to school and completely hating it, but seeing people that are my real friends every day. i mean, yeah i've met some pretty cool people at uarts, but i really feel like none of them are really going to be friends that i'll have the rest of my life, and i have so many of them from high school. and i talked to joey two weeks or so ago, and he said, 'yeah i have a fall break so i'll call you then and we'll try and hang out.' and i knew that that would be the next time i was going to talk to him, and i forgot that i would see him every day in high school, and i missed that too. i missed the way that i thought about everything when i was 17. i listened to mewithoutYou all weekend and seriously almost cried a few times. (it's amazing to me that certain words and certain sounds can cause such an emotional response) but really, the songs on [A-->B] and Foxes were a gigantic part my life for a long time. i just wanted things to be back to the way they were. and i mean, change happens blah blah blah. and i guess the interesting thing about life is that everything is new. a second from now will be something that has never happened before. but the past isn't unreal, and that makes it hard sometimes.
but this is basically why i'm back inside this livejournal cut; this undeniable and intense nostalgic feeling. going back to my days of being the only one awake and spilling all of my thoughts and nonthoughts and staining this livejournal tablecloth. having my eyelids feel heavy but continuing on. and i guess i still have this feeling now. being home again. and i feel like i like myself then more than i like myself now. i feel like seeing and making this much "art" has almost made me dumber. maybe the idea of having to care about that has had this effect. but i miss everything a lot. and i don't know what to do about it.
i don't really have any sort of way of resolving or pulling this all together. i guess i'll see what happens. i mean, i guess we'll all be alright. but i've been made so pessimistic (more than usual) recently with the current state of everything. and i almost feel worse knowing the small amount that i actually do about what's happening here then if i stayed away from the subject of news and politics as i used to. i don't know, i want my friends back. i want everything to be easy (like it was, even though i didn't know it then) i want my old self back (i'm so sick of what i am). there's not much to say to that.
hang in there everyone.
i love you
IanSeeleEverett
there are quite a few 'things' (this word will be used many times over in this entry) that i have had on and in and around my mind recently, and one of them has to do with why i am doing this little guy right now, but i'll get to that. i suppose i'll start chronologically:
Chapter 1 The Summer Of (Seemingly Unexistant) Love
this summer was weird. it was very detached and very restricted. i truly felt the repercussions of not having a job or even just not making any money at all. which brought me to questioning the validity of the rectangular pieces of paper that we hand around and work for. thinking hard about it made it seem absurd (as is true with most things, actually) and i've wanted for so long to do what i want without worrying about having any of that, but this summer showed me the sad, current truth. besides that, i wasted so much time that i could have a whole nother summer with all of the wasted hours. some of the time, though, was spent thinking about the unfathomable fact that in may i'll be officially in the real world. it's a weird thing to comprehend, like driving by the high school after you graduate and realizing that you'll never have to go there ever again, i'm sure a lot of life-changing events have the same feel. but i finally got my mind around that. a little scary sometimes, mostly because i don't trust myself to keep myself up. it's a bit pathetic, there's probably fifth graders that are more independent than me. but what i didn't think about enough was that i still have to (sucessfully) have to get through another school year.
which brings me to my next chapter; School And The City or I Feel Like Killing Myself Every Day
sadly, the above is partially true. when i first arrived back at "my" apartment, i felt, i guess, to be free from a family house was nice. to not have to worry about being told to give half of my stuff in the basement back to goodwill once a week seemed like a pleasant change. but by the second night when the second bus (the first one i could dismiss as being "a loud one, maybe") powerhoused it's way past my open window (and therefore, past my eardrums) i couldn't take it. for as long as i can remember, i've always tried to not let things bother me, because really, nothing matters that much. but i feel like since i've been back in Philadelphia i've become such a goddamn complaining idiot. i cold give you an extensive list of things that bother me daily at my apartment (Tolouse the cat rolling around on the floor constantly so i have to step over her nearly every time i walk somewhere - the flusher on the toilet being pushed down by the lid which doesn't fit, causing it to constantly run - the hamster [yes, hamster] running on it's wheel at three in the morning - the "handy men" that are power washing the old paint off of our building, waking me up in the morning with a ladder [sometimes directly outside my window] - all of the dishes in the kitchen - the fact that jen stays over, even though jon has to go home three nights a week) and that's only what i can think of stream-of-consciously. but really, i feel like i'm running for The Worst Person Alive Award with this list. i just need to let things happen and be, but it's all getting to me so bad and i don't know why. the city itself is stressing me out, too. on wednesday one of my painting teachers came in to my studio and said "where's your stuff?" and i said "over here." motioning to my side of the room. and he said "yeah, but where's all your work?" and i felt (and still feel) like i'm failing bad at this right now. my mind isn't working like that. i can't live in the city. there are too many people and too much concrete and glass, and too many negative vibrations-i get at least one scowl every day. being in this environment makes it impossible to have a free mind. OR even make you feel free at all. being stuck in this grid of a maze running around with all of these other people that are exactly like you. (and this is a prime example of my current never-ending-complaint list, which i hate exists [and there's another one]) i just feel very restricted and cluttered from living where i am. and i want to go home every day.
Chapter 3: The Pros and Cons Of Being Able To Remember
I came home last weekend for the first real time since school started. i went out to meet eileen and sara the night i got back, and the night also later featured kelsey. it was really good to see them, and i'm very glad that i did. but that combination of those three people added to the nostalgic feeling i get when the weather gets colder left me with the strongest urge to be four years younger. when fall comes i always get this need to come home and drive to princeton because i have this really nice memory of fall of senior year when eileen, beck and i drove there, and the temperature and smell and feeling of being with them then is incredible. so since it was cold when we left the parking lot, i was really feeling that, and (maybe foolishly) came home and, since i still don't have a computer, listened to a lot of music that reminded me of 12th grade. and i have to say, i've never felt such strong nostalgia in my life. i missed everything about this time four years ago. i watched some catwar videos, and i missed playing those songs and feeling and having this connection with each other and everyone. i missed going to school and completely hating it, but seeing people that are my real friends every day. i mean, yeah i've met some pretty cool people at uarts, but i really feel like none of them are really going to be friends that i'll have the rest of my life, and i have so many of them from high school. and i talked to joey two weeks or so ago, and he said, 'yeah i have a fall break so i'll call you then and we'll try and hang out.' and i knew that that would be the next time i was going to talk to him, and i forgot that i would see him every day in high school, and i missed that too. i missed the way that i thought about everything when i was 17. i listened to mewithoutYou all weekend and seriously almost cried a few times. (it's amazing to me that certain words and certain sounds can cause such an emotional response) but really, the songs on [A-->B] and Foxes were a gigantic part my life for a long time. i just wanted things to be back to the way they were. and i mean, change happens blah blah blah. and i guess the interesting thing about life is that everything is new. a second from now will be something that has never happened before. but the past isn't unreal, and that makes it hard sometimes.
but this is basically why i'm back inside this livejournal cut; this undeniable and intense nostalgic feeling. going back to my days of being the only one awake and spilling all of my thoughts and nonthoughts and staining this livejournal tablecloth. having my eyelids feel heavy but continuing on. and i guess i still have this feeling now. being home again. and i feel like i like myself then more than i like myself now. i feel like seeing and making this much "art" has almost made me dumber. maybe the idea of having to care about that has had this effect. but i miss everything a lot. and i don't know what to do about it.
i don't really have any sort of way of resolving or pulling this all together. i guess i'll see what happens. i mean, i guess we'll all be alright. but i've been made so pessimistic (more than usual) recently with the current state of everything. and i almost feel worse knowing the small amount that i actually do about what's happening here then if i stayed away from the subject of news and politics as i used to. i don't know, i want my friends back. i want everything to be easy (like it was, even though i didn't know it then) i want my old self back (i'm so sick of what i am). there's not much to say to that.
hang in there everyone.
i love you
IanSeeleEverett