Long thoughts...
Just a warning this is mainly written for my venting purposes...
I have begun to realize I am an out cast. Not by choice however. I find myself unable to fit in, always thinking what others are really thinking of me... I noticed this at work today, when I finally got to sit down I was just sitting up against a wall and the other three workers were off by the sinks talking and laughing. I dont seem to fit in anywhere. I am like a social out cast and I fear it. I want to be like everyone else and yet Im so far away from that.
I can count my actual friends on one hand, which is rather pathetic. I have 61 names in my phone book... 18 are family... 29 wouldnt matter if they got deleted... 5 are radio stations... leaving 9 count them 9 numbers that acutally matter... oh and of those 9... 3 are numbers for work...
Why cant I be like everyone else? I look like everyone else, I talk just like every one else, but I am so far from them. For one in my life I want to be normal... not just that girl who works too much, talks too much and just doesnt fit in. Why cant I be normal? I feel like I could break apart and that bothers me, cause I really dont care what people think about me, but yet in the same turns I want them to accept me. go figure... things are so confusing for me and in a way I doubt they will ever change... watch I'll marry Tim, he will have all his friends and I will have my three good friends and then the other 6 who are just friends... I know the number of friends doesnt matter, its the quality of the friend ship but I just want to be able to go out sometimes have fun or something. I dont love Tim and I cant JUST hang out with him and it kills me to know thats really my only option... to me at least it seems like people would rather see others before me. But I guess thats how my life is just gonna be... better get used to it and smile and continue on with my plain invisible existence.
I have begun to realize I am an out cast. Not by choice however. I find myself unable to fit in, always thinking what others are really thinking of me... I noticed this at work today, when I finally got to sit down I was just sitting up against a wall and the other three workers were off by the sinks talking and laughing. I dont seem to fit in anywhere. I am like a social out cast and I fear it. I want to be like everyone else and yet Im so far away from that.
I can count my actual friends on one hand, which is rather pathetic. I have 61 names in my phone book... 18 are family... 29 wouldnt matter if they got deleted... 5 are radio stations... leaving 9 count them 9 numbers that acutally matter... oh and of those 9... 3 are numbers for work...
Why cant I be like everyone else? I look like everyone else, I talk just like every one else, but I am so far from them. For one in my life I want to be normal... not just that girl who works too much, talks too much and just doesnt fit in. Why cant I be normal? I feel like I could break apart and that bothers me, cause I really dont care what people think about me, but yet in the same turns I want them to accept me. go figure... things are so confusing for me and in a way I doubt they will ever change... watch I'll marry Tim, he will have all his friends and I will have my three good friends and then the other 6 who are just friends... I know the number of friends doesnt matter, its the quality of the friend ship but I just want to be able to go out sometimes have fun or something. I dont love Tim and I cant JUST hang out with him and it kills me to know thats really my only option... to me at least it seems like people would rather see others before me. But I guess thats how my life is just gonna be... better get used to it and smile and continue on with my plain invisible existence.