NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children,part 1: praise,sleep,race,liars

[anemone]

This book give you (the reader) supposedly shocking insights into the nature of children. Indeed, so far it's interesting, though "shocking" wouldn't be my term. It's based on research, but I don't have the same solid confidence in that research that I do in the research for "What's Going on In There". I suspect it's been dumbed down for a wider

Comments

[eekm]

Yeah, the title of the book totally galls me too. I think the research presented is pretty sound, so why the silly title? And, while I appreciate the broad perspective, by the end, I was wishing the book were a bit more chronological in terms of development (i.e. there is a chapter on infant language development buried towards the end, far separated from the chapter on preschool and fantasy play and well behind the teenage years, etc.).

The chapter on lying was a breakthrough for us. Espen has been lying, nothing serious, and it seemed so typical for his age, so we thought it best to ignore it. When we started to realize how often we lie (i.e. to him, to telemarketers, etc.) and when we started telling him explicitly that we'd be proud of him if he told the truth, almost all lying has stopped. We make sure to even praise him for not making up stories about silly things like who passed gas (though its okay if its just ignored...but not okay if "bear" or "dinosaur" or "little brother" is blamed.

[sidheag]

Vittrup's PhD thesis describing the research referred to is available here

[sidheag]

C had a book from school at one point about Obama's election that had some discussion (albeit less in depth than we'd already had) about why it was important that he was the first black president; the specific book is surely not useful information even if I could remember it, but that might be an area to look at. We have a copy of What a Wonderful World which someone recommended to me when I asked a similar question; unless you pick it up and run with it it'll fall foul of the "vague mentions of everyone being equal" criticism, but it's a lovely book (and the song was probably the first ever that C kept asking for repeatedly).

[anemone]

Thanks for the pointer--I hadn't thought to look at what these conversations were supposed to be and whether they'd make sense to have.

The book looks like it will be good, too. I think the only book we have with black characters are the Clifford books (though most of our books feature animal characters, so this is not as much bias as it seems), and I've honestly never thought to mention race.

[sidheag]

I had a very shocking conversation with my very dear friend gemmaj (whose parents are Chinese, and who suffered serious racism growing up) along the lines of "colourblind is nonsense you MUST discuss race" some years back. I still think that some of what she said to me was based on a misconception about C's environment, and that article makes it rather clearer. It might be true that Helen gets enough information about race that she has formed her own stereotypical conclusions. I really, even when I look around thinking about it, think that C did not (and does not, but now he's at an age where I'm comfortable discussing it). Looking at our friends and his schoolmates, although they're obviously not statistically representative of the UK population, he meets people of many ethnicities and he does not get any message that ethnicity is salient. And looking around Edinburgh, we also don't have the kind of segregation by occupation or part of town that seems to be common in the US. No TV input. I don't see how he'd have formed racial stereotypes

[sidheag]

And while I'm feeling chatty: lying. I understand that researchers' views of children's understanding of lying have changed lately but I still "like" the view that it's developmentally inappropriate to think that a child Helen's age is deliberately lying rather than magical thinking, saying what she wishes were true in the sort-of belief that that will make it be what happened. C has never had a noticeably lying phase, but standard advice on that viewpoint is to respond "You wish that were true" (I first typed that I'd done this, but, although it was certainly my plan, actually I can't recall an occasion when I needed to put it into action so I'm not sure it ever happened!). I've tried hard not to ask questions to which I already know the answer (inviting lying). I also honestly can't think of an occasion when I've lied to or in front of him. Of course whether this has any effect or whether he's simply inherited my pathological-truth-telling-can't-even-do-"white lies" gene is hard to say :-)

[clarkger]

re: race. As the parent of a slightly older (almost 9yo) child I say: it happens in its own time. Don't sweat it. I tried to have these meaningful age-appropriate discussions of race with P when he was smaller. *crickets* Nothing registered. Fast forward a few years. He's in 3rd grade. He has at least four Black History Months behind him. Four MLK Days. Countless book reports on biographies chosen by teachers and thus including Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, Cesar Chavez (P's 1st grade biography), Wilma Rudolph, and the like. Plus he has friends and classmates and teachers of every color, many religions, from many countries. He gets it and he understands as much of the history as is appropriate at this age. He might have prejudices -- he is very sure that boys who play 3rd grade football are stupid and mean, for example -- but they're not to do with race. He notices differences, sure - Trisha is Indian, she doesn't celebrate Christmas, they have Diwali. Rian is black and his hair is curly - but those things are totally superficial.

[urox]

Praise: I have mixed feelings on this, some of them culturally based. We praise V every time she goes poop in the potty, especially because she had a potty pause specifically for that outcome. We are sincere every time because we are so glad that she is actually doing it and meaning one less unpleasant cleaning session. Growing up, my family spent a lot of time telling me, "You *can* do this; you're smart." They honestly believed it and I hear other people with Chinese parents with this mind orientation. I was sick once and my mother spent the entire evening in my fever-induced brain state getting me to memorize something (I couldn't read it because I was too tired to even hold the book or read) for an exam because she "knew" I could do it. Of course, this lead to me having more stress than necessary about doing good and pushing myself perhaps further than I needed to at times