(no subject)
It was doomed to begin with. At least that's what I've thought from the beginning. As he kissed me a bittersweet expression of regret flashed across his tear-streaked face. For he knew it was the last. The last kiss that I would ever give him. The romance was dead, the drama out of my life. Finally, I see life without the rose-colored glasses. It is once again portrayed in the harsh light with which I always viewed the world.
I always felt unique. As proverbial as that sounds. I was, different that is. Simply different, with a take it or leave it attitude. To pick one word in self-definition. One word that would sum me up. Would be homosexual. In lament terms, I am a gay male. It is my opinion of my self as well as the label given to me by others. Deep down I always knew that there was something distinctively diverse about Jon Mani.
I first came to terms with my homosexuality in tenth grade. Though I'd questioned my sexuality many times before in my life it was during my sophomore year that I finally let go of my fears and inhibitions. I finally let my heart answer all the questions that had plagued me for so long. It was an awakening, of sorts. I felt like I finally fit in among the sea of drifters. Though admitting my homosexuality did give me an even more unique classification, it made me except and understand who I am. Something I'd never been able to do and in that since I, finally obtained the little bit of normalcy I never knew I always wanted.
Though Id already accepted who I was, to try to make the world accept this still somewhat taboo orientation would be an even bigger step. Coming out was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. Before I had the courage to try, I held this acute fear of rejection. I thought if I confessed to my friends what I was that they would shun me; treat me like the scum on the bottom of their shoes. I was wrong; they were abundant in their acceptance. They supported me more than I had the strength to support myself. Not everyone was so supportive and acceptant.
Telling my parents was another milestone First I told my mother, she is to this very day in denial about it all. There is a silent agreement that it is a topic not to be spoken of. Then came my father, he always had his suspicions but he adapted the same denial my mother exhibited. It took me a while to understand and accept my parents need to foolishly ignore this topic.
The worst was yet to come. I had ignorantly held onto a childish belief of the absence of true blind hate. I was forced to accept the prejudice that surrounded me. I never knew one person could hate another for nothing more then something their heart urged them to be. I accept now that they simply didn't understand and more than likely never would.
Id thought I had matured completely. I'd already been through so many struggles with my homosexuality. From revelation to self to acceptance of ungrounded hate and prejudice but I was totally unprepared for him. He was so kind and loving he always understood me or so I thought for a long while. It's funny the kind of things you'll block out for someone you love, and he was that. He'd brought me a new sense of freedom and acceptance. How could I not forgive him his little transgressions; the lies and deceits, no ones perfect right? At least these were all the excuse I gave myself back when I'd foolishly believed giving him up was unacceptable. The pain of the few heart breaking betrayals was no comparison to even the fear of a life with out him. When I was with him there were no doubts, it was when we parted that my mind and heart filled with initially the insecurities and fears and eventually the grounded suspicions.
In the end, though I was the one to create the distance between us he was the one who chose to end it. For at any point in our relationship he could've stopped and thought of me. Instead, he chose to selfishly and carelessly toss my heart around.
As I kissed him goodbye I stoically ignoring the sorrowful look on his face. I said more to myself then him that I couldn't take such pain yet another time. There had been too much wrong done to open my heart to him again. His betrayal was the ultimate sorrow of the path I had chosen. I'm not saying not being gay would have kept me from heartache, but it would sure have kept me from him.
Jon Man/Sept/03
I always felt unique. As proverbial as that sounds. I was, different that is. Simply different, with a take it or leave it attitude. To pick one word in self-definition. One word that would sum me up. Would be homosexual. In lament terms, I am a gay male. It is my opinion of my self as well as the label given to me by others. Deep down I always knew that there was something distinctively diverse about Jon Mani.
I first came to terms with my homosexuality in tenth grade. Though I'd questioned my sexuality many times before in my life it was during my sophomore year that I finally let go of my fears and inhibitions. I finally let my heart answer all the questions that had plagued me for so long. It was an awakening, of sorts. I felt like I finally fit in among the sea of drifters. Though admitting my homosexuality did give me an even more unique classification, it made me except and understand who I am. Something I'd never been able to do and in that since I, finally obtained the little bit of normalcy I never knew I always wanted.
Though Id already accepted who I was, to try to make the world accept this still somewhat taboo orientation would be an even bigger step. Coming out was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. Before I had the courage to try, I held this acute fear of rejection. I thought if I confessed to my friends what I was that they would shun me; treat me like the scum on the bottom of their shoes. I was wrong; they were abundant in their acceptance. They supported me more than I had the strength to support myself. Not everyone was so supportive and acceptant.
Telling my parents was another milestone First I told my mother, she is to this very day in denial about it all. There is a silent agreement that it is a topic not to be spoken of. Then came my father, he always had his suspicions but he adapted the same denial my mother exhibited. It took me a while to understand and accept my parents need to foolishly ignore this topic.
The worst was yet to come. I had ignorantly held onto a childish belief of the absence of true blind hate. I was forced to accept the prejudice that surrounded me. I never knew one person could hate another for nothing more then something their heart urged them to be. I accept now that they simply didn't understand and more than likely never would.
Id thought I had matured completely. I'd already been through so many struggles with my homosexuality. From revelation to self to acceptance of ungrounded hate and prejudice but I was totally unprepared for him. He was so kind and loving he always understood me or so I thought for a long while. It's funny the kind of things you'll block out for someone you love, and he was that. He'd brought me a new sense of freedom and acceptance. How could I not forgive him his little transgressions; the lies and deceits, no ones perfect right? At least these were all the excuse I gave myself back when I'd foolishly believed giving him up was unacceptable. The pain of the few heart breaking betrayals was no comparison to even the fear of a life with out him. When I was with him there were no doubts, it was when we parted that my mind and heart filled with initially the insecurities and fears and eventually the grounded suspicions.
In the end, though I was the one to create the distance between us he was the one who chose to end it. For at any point in our relationship he could've stopped and thought of me. Instead, he chose to selfishly and carelessly toss my heart around.
As I kissed him goodbye I stoically ignoring the sorrowful look on his face. I said more to myself then him that I couldn't take such pain yet another time. There had been too much wrong done to open my heart to him again. His betrayal was the ultimate sorrow of the path I had chosen. I'm not saying not being gay would have kept me from heartache, but it would sure have kept me from him.
Jon Man/Sept/03