(Untitled)

[anewwaive]

Gideon'd been juggling the idea of rewatching his movie along for a while now. The bookshelf kept giving him copies week after week, and he had to wonder if maybe, just maybe, he should watch it again, now that the shock had eased off into just a dull fucking ache. He'd spent his entire existence since Desmond disappeared blaming himself. A part of

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[all_happening]

Having come upstairs with the intention of looking for Gideon, Penny's first thought, when she saw what was playing, was that it had to have been someone else watching the movie. She recognized it instantly, of course; it was a long time since she'd seen it, and it had only been the once, but she remembered it better than she'd have liked to. That movie was the sort of thing that would've been hard to forget, and seeing Gideon on screen now was even more painful than she cared to admit. He might've only been talking to that art critic, but she knew what was coming next, and she hated to think about that.

That paled in comparison, though, to the way she felt when she realized it was him sitting there, watching it all on his own. There were any number of things wrong with that, in fact -- not the least of which was that, selfishly, she wished she'd been important enough for him to at least tell her -- and she couldn't even begin to process any of it, nor was she sure she wanted to

[anewwaive]

Really, the first half of the shit wasn't so bad. He sat through it only eeling like shit because after all thing, after all this time, he still did miss Desmond. He was getting tense now that he knew what was coming up - when it all fucking unraveled.

He'd been deep enough in the movie that Penny's voice made him jump - made his breath catch. O curse she'd fucking come around. He didn't look over at her, knowing she was probably looking pissed as hell. He would've told her, eventually, he did this if it'd done anything for him. For the moment, it just felt like a fucking waste of time.

"I just...need to see this again," he said, voice low - barely audible over the shit on screen, in fact. "You don't need to sit through this shit. I'll be okay."

That wasn't a lie, or so he hoped it wasn't. He knew what happened already. Either it eased his guilt or it reinforced it. Either way, he didn't think he'd be fucking worse of.

[all_happening]

It took everything Penny had in her not to say something then that she would inevitably wind up regretting. Were he not watching what she knew to be probably the worst moments of his life, she would have, too. As it was, though, she didn't want to make this any harder for him, even if that meant it would be harder on herself. Just then, it was a pretty small price to pay.

"If you want me to go, just say it straight out and I'll go," she said, unable to help the cold tone in her voice, if only because of what she was holding back. "Otherwise, don't fucking put it like that. You know I'd want to do this with you." As far as she was concerned, it should have been obvious, and the sound of her voice likely made clear that she felt that way. "But, hey, I can't let you make me stay. You did make it this fucking far on your own."

[anewwaive]

Knowing she'd be pissed turned into being positive she was pissed. He winced inwardly, practically ignoring the screen. It wasn't like he was in the scene anyway. Instead, he looked up at her finally, finding himself torn between telling her he really did need to see this shit alone and letting her stay. He wanted to see it without any biases, but not if it left her all fucking upset

[anewwaive]

The walk back had been nearly silent. Gideon almost didn't fucking trust himself to speak, because he really didn't want to say anything that might get her upset. He could see she was having a hard time, so he had a feeling it was better to hut deal with it - or not, if that was what she wanted - later.

He felt like there was a slight weight lifted off his shoulders, at least. There was a part of him that would always know it was partially his fault shit happened, but with his focus on more than that now, he saw he hadn't been the worse in the situation, and he sure as hell hadn't been the one to leave him to die. It was important, a step in the right direction.

When they got to the hut, he put aside the film can and glanced over at Penny once he did, looking thoughtful. "You...want to lay down? I think I am."

[all_happening]

It was undeniably harder watching the movie this time around than it had been when Penny had first seen it, and it hadn't been particularly easy then, either. What he'd done, she really couldn't have cared less about. It was in the past, after all, and he had always been willing to excuse everything about hers. Where he wound up because of it was the problem. Most of the time, she tried as hard as she could, with a fair amount of success, not to dwell on that, to focus instead on what they had here. Now, she didn't have much choice

[anewwaive]

"Yeah, that's where I'm fucking going," he sighed. Gideon reached out and took her hand when she'd changed, gently tugging her toward the bedroom. He just wanted to be with her at that point. He only let her hand go when they were right next to the bed, and he slid in and slid over to his side, waiting for her to climb in after him.

[all_happening]

Penny tugged off her jeans, not bothering to pick them up off the floor before she climbed into bed beside him, and didn't hesitate to curl up at his side, her head by his shoulder. She wanted to say something, to make sure he was alright, and, really, to find out if watching the movie again had made things better or worse, but for a long moment, she couldn't bring herself to. For all she knew, it probably wouldn't be worth it to bring it up again so soon. She couldn't stay silent, though, and eventually, she spoke, lifting one hand to gently smooth some hair away from his face. "You doing okay?" she asked. She figured it was a broad enough question that it wouldn't hurt too much.

[all_happening]

When she'd kissed him, she really hadn't intended for anything to go as far as it did, but lying there beside him now, Penny was almost glad it had. Being still again, all of those insecurities were returning, but at least for a little while, she'd been able to forget about what bothered her so much. This wasn't about her, anyway. Watching the movie had been a good thing, in the long run, no matter what kind of an effect it had on her. It was worth it for Gideon not to blame himself, even if she hadn't been the one to change his mind.

"Hey," she murmured, curled up on her side and propped up by her elbow, brushing the fingertips of one hand absently over his chest. She was smiling now, at least, nothing short of fond, despite all the thoughts that were rapidly returning. She ducked her head, though, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. "I love you."

[anewwaive]

Gideon was stretched out now, feeling even more fucking worn out, but that wasn't entirely a bad thing. What they'd done was definitely something he had needed - she was what he fucking needed. Mouth turned up into a grin, he lifted his hand to rest it against her cheek for a moment.

"I love you, too," he murmured. He didn't even know where to fucking start showing his appreciation for everything she'd fucking done and still did for him. "So, I'm...thinking I'm just going to stay in bed the rest of the day. You want to join me?"

[all_happening]

Penny's smile widened a little then, and she nodded almost shyly, shifting so she was more lying down, though still on her side facing him. "Absolutely," she replied quietly, sounding more content than she had all fucking day. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be." She needed this now, too, needed to hold on to what they had, what was there, rather than dwelling on where a worst case scenario would put him. It was the only way she would ever move on.

[anewwaive]

"Good," he said, shifting closer to press a kiss against her jaw once he dropped his hand to her waist. He paused before adding, with a slight smirk now, "Because you didn't have much of a fucking choice, you know. I just asked to be nice."

He was joking, of course, but he liked to think he already knew she'd agree anyway.