Regrets.
Well my brother came back in time so I didn't have to pick out the coffin. I don't think I could've gone to do these things without going crazy.
People probably wonder why I'm on here typing a post when this is all going on but this is calming my nerves for now until I walk back out into the living room and start emotionally breaking down again.
There's so much going on in my mind right now. My brain feels swollen much like my eyes do. I'm hurting physically and mentally. I feel such a great deal of regret for the choices I've made and continue to make.
I know I couldn't have possibly known he would die that night from what was told to me but I still could've gone to see him right away instead of saying "oh well I'll go visit him after school tomorrow." My mom regrets that she turned away for only a few moments to take a nap. Regrets...that she wasn't holding his hand the moment he passed. I didn't even get to see him at all at the hospital before he passed away. No, instead I was staying at someone else's house because I didn't want to be at home alone.
I never got to tell him how much I loved him. I was so excited coming out of school yesterday because I had made some good grades and wanted to tell my dad when I got home. When my mom told him in the hospital about my grades he said that he wanted to live to see the day I would finally graduate and he couldn't make it. I feel like such a failure. I should have graduated last year but against my own parent's wishes I changed my major on top of screwing up so much in school. I couldn't even manage to do what would make him happiest and give him some rest.
I always said how much I hated him and was tired of him but everything he ever did was to make sure we had a good life. He took care of us and everything. It's so fucked that it took me this long to realize how important, amazing, and genuinely selfless he was. He had such a good heart and all I could do was be a spoiled, selfish brat. And now I can't ever tell him how much I appreciated him and love him.
There's so much more I want to say but I can't sit here and do this anymore. I just hope somehow in someway my dad knows how I'm feeling. Even for people who don't believe in God, heaven or hell...I just want to believe he knew I loved him and never meant to hurt him.
People probably wonder why I'm on here typing a post when this is all going on but this is calming my nerves for now until I walk back out into the living room and start emotionally breaking down again.
There's so much going on in my mind right now. My brain feels swollen much like my eyes do. I'm hurting physically and mentally. I feel such a great deal of regret for the choices I've made and continue to make.
I know I couldn't have possibly known he would die that night from what was told to me but I still could've gone to see him right away instead of saying "oh well I'll go visit him after school tomorrow." My mom regrets that she turned away for only a few moments to take a nap. Regrets...that she wasn't holding his hand the moment he passed. I didn't even get to see him at all at the hospital before he passed away. No, instead I was staying at someone else's house because I didn't want to be at home alone.
I never got to tell him how much I loved him. I was so excited coming out of school yesterday because I had made some good grades and wanted to tell my dad when I got home. When my mom told him in the hospital about my grades he said that he wanted to live to see the day I would finally graduate and he couldn't make it. I feel like such a failure. I should have graduated last year but against my own parent's wishes I changed my major on top of screwing up so much in school. I couldn't even manage to do what would make him happiest and give him some rest.
I always said how much I hated him and was tired of him but everything he ever did was to make sure we had a good life. He took care of us and everything. It's so fucked that it took me this long to realize how important, amazing, and genuinely selfless he was. He had such a good heart and all I could do was be a spoiled, selfish brat. And now I can't ever tell him how much I appreciated him and love him.
There's so much more I want to say but I can't sit here and do this anymore. I just hope somehow in someway my dad knows how I'm feeling. Even for people who don't believe in God, heaven or hell...I just want to believe he knew I loved him and never meant to hurt him.