Faith thoughts
Technically speaking, I am what strict Catholics would call a "Lapsed Catholic". For the past eight years or so I have attended mass sporadically at best. There are many things contributing to this. At first it was due in large part to mourning being ripped away from my parish community in Gainesville when Michael moved us back to Texas. Every church is NOT the same and the friendships, sense of community and having a priest who had a common sense approach to life and faith created an environment that I loved being a part of. I just didn't "feel" it when I tried going to church in Round Rock.
Then we moved to Leander and we joined the parish here and ... well, lets just say the parish priest and I have very different points of view when it comes to creating a faith environment. He's all about the rules, I'm more about the emotions. Then there were several sermons that were offensively political to my way of thinking and I began actively avoiding going to Mass except for special occasions. And then it just became habit to not go.
I still do my own bible study and consider myself as having a pretty good relationship with God. We've had some pretty intense conversations over the past few years. Some of them could almost be called one sided arguments because quite frankly I don't blindly agree with everything. Sometimes these moments of arguing with God spills over into some pretty intense philosophical conversations with my daughter, who is the least catholic of all my children. I love discussing faith with her, because we approach it from such different places. She is a thinker and I am a feeler.
Not long ago we had a very long and complicated conversation about just what is involved when someone says God "spoke" to them and the fact that she has never felt spoken to. I talked a little bit about the fact that I think whether or not someone feels spoken to is entirely dependent on their expectations. If it means there has to be a burning bush or a booming mysterious voice from the clouds ... then no, I'd never been spoken to either. But if what you're looking for are moments of clarity that suddenly happen, sometimes unrelated to what you were actively thinking about - or thoughts that come to mind with possible answers to problems from an inspired point of view rather than from deliberation and known facts ... then yes, there have been times when I have felt spoken to. Times when inspiration or solutions to situations spring to mind and feel as if they did not come from inside me.
To me, living my faith has always been more about trying to be open to these quiet moments of inspiration than it has been about following the letter of religious law.
Soo .. this morning I got up to go and meet my friend Tamara for breakfast and catch up on our week. She had plans, so it was going to be a quick get together at 9 because she had to be somewhere by 10. As I was getting dressed, on a whim I went ahead and grabbed a pair of slacks and a pretty blouse instead of the usual comfy casual jeans and t-shirt of doing weekend breakfast with Tamara. I found myself thinking that if the timing worked I might try and make 10:15 mass. Well .. I got there just a little late and had missed the entrance hymn and opening prayer, but I found a place to sit just before the first reading. Which happened to be from Job. I couldn't help but chuckle a bit at that. Goodness knows recent events have left me feeling a bit of kinship with Job and his trials.
Then in the second reading from Corinthians one line jumped out at me, "the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come." Through the singing of the Alleluia and preparing for the gospel reading I found myself thinking about that line a bit and how I wish that line could be a bit prophetic. My job search has not exactly been filled with exciting results and to say I have some pretty stressful moments when I begin worrying about "what if" is an understatement.
Then the gospel reading was about when the apostles and Jesus were in the boat and a huge storm appeared and the apostles became so afraid they pretty much panic.
Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion.
They woke him and said to him,
"Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?"
He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Quiet! Be still!"
The wind ceased and there was great calm.
Then he asked them, "Why are you terrified?
Do you not yet have faith?"
I was moved by those words and was contemplating them when it was time for the homily, which I had been somewhat dreading due to the fact that I tend to lose whatever good I had found in the readings when our pastor begins speaking. But then I got a pleasant surprise, the deacon was doing the sermon today! And it was a good one! Several times he said things that felt inspiring and comforting about facing hardships with calm and faith. I felt myself taking really deep cleansing breaths for the first time in weeks.
When it was time for the communion song to begin I sang along, and it was a nice song but I found myself feeling a bit disapointed by the song selection. As I was singing and waiting for my row's turn to go to communion I was wishing they had chosen to sing "Be Not Afraid" instead. I love that hymn and was really longing to hear it. Since I was sitting near the back of the church, the hymn finished as it was my turn to go to communion. As I stepped from the pew and began to walk down the center aisle, the first notes of "Be Not Afraid" began to play. Tears sprang to my eyes and I found myself smiling and feeling as if that song were being sung just for me. I was going to paste some of the lyrics .. but really, without the music I don't think they'd be as powerful. Take my word that it is a beautiful song. There have been some terrifying moments in my life when I have literally been at death's door and in mortal danger and that song has sprung to mind and I've hummed the tune in a very soft and shakey tone.
So I guess the point to this long rambling post that most of my friends won't even read is that ... today I felt "spoken" to. I felt comforted and calmed. I walked out of church feeling a renewed belief that even though things are hard and scary and on the verge of utter destruction ... in the end it will all be okay. In the midst of my fears and stress I had an hour of breathing deep and feeling loved and cared for. I felt calm and comforted.
And this is why even though I am "lapsed" I still call myself Catholic. Because when I really need it ... these moments of faith find me and center me. And I guess I'm writing this long post about it because I so wish I had some magical way of sharing this profound sense of calm with all the people I love.
I also know that it is difficult to keep this sense of peaceful acceptance and maybe having written it down where I can read about it again later will help me recapture these feelings when I'm desperately in need of them next time.
And I know there will be lots of "next times" in the days ahead. But I also know I'm going to do my best to be calm, have faith and remember to not be afraid.