maybe... maybe it's time for my story.
This all started so long ago. I was 10, i was a child, i was alone. I was never a very happy child, and i had promised myself upon getting into middle school that i would try to change that. I was going to find a way to fit in, i told myself so many nights while i lay awake.
There was a boy then, one of my only friends, and his name was Jason. Jason was a loner, like me, with parents who never really cared. He too had an older brother, but his brother was vastly diffrent from my own. and he was neglected this kid... with a soul that burned to belong. I remember the day that everything changed for me and made me who i am today. It was bright out, the summer sun still shining through the last of the green. It was slowly becoming Fall and The weather reflected it.
I went over to his house and we got the necesary materials for our deeds, and walked to Pat's house to meet him there. Once arriving we talked of what we were going to do, and how, we were excited thinking to one another how cool it was going to be. we were so naive then, but that doesn't matter now. Upon leaving pat's i remember walking with pat's little sister who was by far younger then i, and we talked about how i met everyone. I asked her about her home, about her life then. we were so happy in our ignorance, as we walked to the woods. Once in the woods Jason and Pat put their scheme together while me and the girl talked. At one point i remember them saying their task wouldn't work unless they had something to make the bullet hotter then just the lighter would, they needed hairspray they said. So they sent us out for it. Me and the girl left, and i remember the way to her appartment, and i remember the way to the woods through the feild beside the creek. and i walked back with her telling her how stupid this was, and she agreed. but that wasn't enough. when we got there, pat and jason lit the bullet and it exploded.
All i remember is being deaf and the look of the leaves on the ground the look on pat's face and jason's alarm, then i heard but didn't see pat's siter as she cried out from behind the tree she was hiding behind. "OH MY GOD SHE'S BLEEDING!" was all i could hear over the ringing in my ears. That's when i looked down and noticed my shirt covered in sticky red blood. i remember running through the woods towards the feild where i just plopped down and shook. i remember seeing Jason and he would stay with me while Pat called the Ambulance, and i remember a woman calling my parents, and i vaguely remember them prying the number for home out of me. and i remember the cops and the fire dept. and the Paramedics, and i rembmeber them putting in the IV, which felt like Fire in my arm, and i remember at one point looking up through the trees with such clarity as though i would never see that view again. and i was just hoping that i was ok.
I ended up at the hospital soon after this, and i was too shocked to actually try to fall asleep. and i remember my brother, and my mother, and my father. and sean gave me his book, and told me to keep it.... it was the book i had asked about earlier that week that he told me i couldn't borrow, but here he was, letting me take it for good. and i told him and my family how much they meant to me. and i remember getting x-rays, and blood tests and being dismissed from the hospital at 2 in the morning. And i remember talking to the police about it of course skewing the facts that i couldn't remember, and trying to make it so Jason and pat wouldn't come to harm. and i remember Jason leaving, and me being alone once more.
I remember my only other friends at this time were three Girls who tormented me, they continued to constantly torture my emotions because i just wasn't good enough for them. but i still tried my best to fit in with them because one of them was a person i knew from elementary school. However she had never really liked me either i learned, she just liked to use me. like i was always used.
Flash over to November. It's ThanksGiving, and i'm in virginia with my family. We're in my Grandmother's house and she was still with Ted, my step-grandfather. The whole family was there and i remember feeling happy for once in my life, to actually HAVE family like that. and my cousin's all but one were kind to me, and my Aunt colleen singing songs and reading stories to us all. and i would show off my art, which was quite lacking at that time. and i remember feeling bad that i had never known my true grandfather. but then again, the only ones who knew him were my aunts and uncles and my grandmother. 6 people out of a house with at least 15. and i was ok for then.
Flash to January and after Christmas break. I remember meeting a girl named Cary... and i remember becoming friends with her. she was alot like me, wild, into the "supernatural" and an artist of sorts. she was intelligent and kind and she made my life at this point worth while. we hung out with each other all throughout the second semester. and she was my only TRUE friend.
Flash to field day, and i remember being alone, and sad, and tired, and lacking. I was having a hard time trying to do anything, and i thought that i had failed 6th Grade. i was depressed and i figured i didn't have anything to look forward too.
Flash to the summer, long days of sitting in my room hiding away from the outside world, listening to the stereo and hoping for things to get better. On the weekends i helped my father, and on the weekdays i went out and played and sometimes went to work with my mother. I would every so often go with my mom to her friends houses and this is where i met Brittany, she was a welcome site, and soon became a friend of mine.
Flash to late summer, i was desperate, and had no friends, and i was sad. That's when this girl i sorta knew, but thought hated me, named Tanya Came to live in the same trailor park as me. she became my friend because she was left here with abusive parents, i knew where she was coming from but she couldn't understand why. we used to talk about the what could have beens and about the what could bes. she was quite possibly the best friend i could have had during the summer we were there. and i met a boy there that she talked me into seeing. and i hung out with him, but i started to hate him. he went to mauldin, was in the same grade as me, but he wanted things i could not give, and once he found that out he left me. and i was once again close to alone. The end of the summer came, and Tanya left, and was gone for good out of state. I was left completely alone, so i stayed up at night and woke up early and wondered what things could have been.
7th grade rolled around...
I don't remember much but fights and sadness, being alone and my parents not getting along to well. I remember again not having many friends, and i slightly recall self harm and absent mindedly dressing in dark colors. i never meant too, but i did anyways. I just felt more and more depressed during this time, and i started hanging out with some of the delinquint kids in the trailor park... all younger then me but all more manipulative. i don't remember much other then being 12 and wanting to leave for good from this realm, and i remember expirementing with "things" and i began to smoke.
8th grade slowly came...
My parents even worse off my father sometimes not coming home at all, my mother sometimes not coming home at all, and the computer was my only refuse, so i studied things, physics, hacking, life, love, religion, math, all sorts of things, i would stay up till all hours of the morning just chatting online. and i remember regaining religion. and i became wiccan. i met new friends, and i became more ummm... infamous. everyone seemed to hate me except my few friends, i had about 7 i think. i remember being called deragatory terms because SOMEHOW i don't know how, it got out that i was a 'witch'. I believe truthfully that Katie and Archie were my only two TRUE friends during this time. but i don't know i can't quite remember how it happened or went down. all i know is that i had a fight with Archie, and we had a falling out until the end of summer.
The first days of summer came and i remember my father leaving, i layed in bed and cried and cried for close to two days. I don't know why but i felt like this was my fault, and i remember even worse then before, not sleeping, i would just stay awake all night long, and it felt like a dream, and finally i think i fell asleep in my parents old bed, it still smelled of my father, and i dozed off. i must've slept for quite awhile, because i remember waking to the night again, and no one being awake in the house... and i remember watching TV and playing on the computer until morning. and i remember being so depressed that i didn't eat. and i was outside one day after this, and saw Archie. so we talked and we decided to make up and be friends again. i remember going over to her house, and i remember us going to a concert with Katie in Georgia with a church, because i know they wanted me to be a christian again. and i tried, i really did... that night i came home, was the night before the first day of school, and i remember laying in bed not being able to sleep for fear of demons, and devils, and i remember getting out of my room and going into the living room where i could have noise and be comftorable. Then i got ready and went to school for my first day of high school.
9th Grade
I met lots of new and interesting people in my ninth Grade year, the ones that i remember most are the members of a group i came to know called the Triads. Ogre was in my Algebra Class, and Lysandra was on my lunch shift, Becca was a friend from 8th Grade whom was also there during lunch. I saw Major Murphy again after not seeing him for years (4th grade to be exact) and i met plenty more interesting people during my stay there. I met my fiance that september, and we have been together ever since.
I remember disrest amongst the people who were my friends at that time, The Grassy knoll and all of its tenants on a saturday and friday night, Stu's house on a monday, and i remember Ogre dropping out of school. I recall trying to get him to stay, but i knew it would be for the best that he follow his heart. I remember John, and Ben, and Trip, and i remember all of a sudden all the people who had shunned me when i was in middle school all of a sudden wanted to be my friend, they all thought that if they didn't then something would become of them that they didn't want. and i got ridiculed yes, but not as much as before. I loved my new life... but that wouldn't last.
i remember the Columbine incident in 99, and it saddened me so much, i was 14 and all i could think about was the amount of life cut short and the fact that i was now labled a "trenchcoat Mafia" member. all because of my friends and the way we dressed. I recall them telling us in the middle of a cold spring that we couldn't wear our coats to school anymore because they were a distraction and unneccesary. and i know that we all felt sad by what had happened, but we were all waiting for out time to run out there so we could leave that school.
That's when things started to get out of hand, like now.... There was a rumor, that someone had handed a death list to the officials at school, then there was a "real" death list handed to the people at school. I was of course one of the ones on the list of people responsible, and the students were getting scared and acting rashly, i got threatened several times, almost got in a fight a few times, and eventually got a death threat in the form of a letter, and i went to the school admins. they were no help, the person whom wrote that letter to me got in to no trouble, and i lost one whole period of my day. and it was all for nothing. eventually it came out that the death list was a hoax and that those responsible for it couldn't be identified. however we all KNEW who did it we just couldn't prove it really.
The end of the year came slowly and i started hanging out more and more with Tommy and his cousin and Paul. and then most of my friends Graduated, afterall, they were seniors and that is what happens when a freshmen befriends seniors, they leave, and you don't really get to see them again. and i didn't.
10th Grade,
Not having many friends again but with my reputation preceding me to the next grade (which btw was another freshmen year for me because i slacked off big time), i made some new friends, this time they were mostly the friends of people i already knew or they were new all together. i made friends with some of the freshmen, and it was all in all uneventful. I hung out with Tommy and Paul, and we played at the game store alot, also we got more and more into computers. and i got more and more into art.
Then paul graduated early, and Erica left, and Lysandra dropped out, and i recall Tommy and me taking home some of the freshmen. one was spaz, i knew him since sixth but never really associated with him, the other was John Smithyman, whom i was friends with through Art class with ms. moyer. we became friends pretty quickly. spaz was a bother and john was ok. then Tommy graduated too leaving me alone, and i met Megan.
megan was in my grade, a lot like me, and was friends with john because of her boyfriend max. I knew max because of his brother, who was on the staff of the philippic.(sp?) and i too closed out my 2nd year in hell at hillcrest.
11th/10th Grade
I mad friends with a girl i knew through my friend Rebecca named Bethany, we were good friends and didn't have many other friends, so we associated together. unfortuanately i took a big part in corrupting them to evil. or so i think, i don't really know what made bethany do what she went on to do.
I intorduced Lysandra to Bethany and she already knew rebecca, and we all hung out with one another, but that didn't last because lysandra and Tommy were on bad terms at the time. and lysandra then dropped out of school, again. bethany and rebecca slowly grew apart from me and i remember just hanging out with megan and matt. matt was in one of my classes and i have known him from 4th grade. i remember not having many friends, and getting along well with him. and i dont remember much, but this is when i met some of my other "outcast" friends.
The next year i remember meeting Sean Kelsey and his group and we began to hang out with one another, and i remember John, and kevan, and jeremy, and the rest, and i became friends with them all. we had fun being spontaneous and such and then i met Anne.
11th/12th-
Anne i met at a prep rally, i was in front of the door, crying and having a panic attack, and she came up to me, and was telling me about her having the same issues. i knew her because she was in art with me and Bethany, but i didn't really talk to her all that much other than hi's, and that's pretty's. then we became friends slowly all thanks to mutual Anxiety.
I liked Anne from the time i first saw her, she was pretty but sad, and this is where i really get in trouble...
Tommy at this time, had his own Apartment, and John, his roommate, was a complete reject. but they were making it and that is all that matters. well, one day i invite anne over, and tommy decides he wants to play truth or dare... I'd rather not go into the Specifics but what happened next i still feel bad about because i didn't mean to but i think i used her. however even after that we stayed friends.
we were friends for a good long time, up through Ogre dying, up through the summer, and then we had a falling out, And Miranda told me that Anne hated me, and i didn't know why... and i lost my faith in things and fell into another bout of depression, Tommy told me to get over her, but i couldn't... and i don't know why, ut i still to this day miss her and her exhuberance if not her understanding sadness. i just wanted for her to be ok, but it wasn't until Miranda Clued me in that something was amiss, that i knew that Tommy had used her information on a site and she had gotten a stalker from it... Miranda gathered bits and tid bits of information against Anne from her live journal, and from aim conversations, and one thing lead to another, and i hated myself for believing so naively that Anne hadn't been using me, and Miranda had proved she had, but the thing that hurts me most is that Miranda masquerading as my friend was just using me as well. and i hurt worse then ever. so when i graduated, i still tried to be friends with miranda and Still tried to talk to Anne, but they shunned me, further proof that they were both manipulative and using me, and i hurt now, and more then ever, and i don't know why they still don't talk to me, and they still maintain that i was the one who used them, well, maybe i used anne, but i was sorry for that we had gotten over that i had thought, and i thought well maybe me and tommy used miranda, but i don't know anymore. and i feel as though i'm the only one left out of the loop, and half of my friends EVER are no longer my friends. and i don't know if i'm sad about that but i don't know if i don't care either. truthfully it's been 2 years, and all is well with me, i don't know about them... i'm doing good, i no longer have bouts of serious depression, and i feel like i could fly sometimes from happieness... i don't know, maybe i'm thankful for my past, but maybe i'm not... i will never know unless i stop wallowing in it.
oh yeah, and Amanda(Filanna)! Change your password!