of attachment
Summary: "Is it wrong?" she questioned, curiously. "Is it wrong to be attached to something?" Ficlet.
Word Count: 1157
Genre: Gen (hints of Romance)
Characters: Ahsoka, Rex, Anakin
Notes: Unbeated. Just trying to get into the Star Wars: TCW groove tbh.
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Anakin was, in many ways, still a student. The knowledge should have been the basis for perhaps a lessening of confidence, or a trepidation to learn from someone who really was just imparting the knowledge he had learned a few months ago onto her. Eventually he'd have nothing left to teach her and she'd leave. Logically this was what ever Padawan and Master went through, but it had never felt like Anakin and her were just Padawan and Master.
The war had created a unique situation, one that the Jedi Masters of old probably never anticipated and or felt they had to worry about.
Anakin wasn't just her Master. He was her friend, her commanding officer, her mentor, and more importantly one of the few steady handholds she had in her life. Originally she didn't have any, but originally - before she had become a Padawan - she had no direction. Here on the battlefield, on a ship, with her troops (and they were hers as she was theirs) is where she felt she had purpose. In another life she was sure that even if she hadn't become a Jedi, she'd find her way back to the Great Republic Army.
Was it a form of attachment? She was sure that it was but perhaps the good kind. Soldiers died everyday, she knew that. But that didn't mean she wouldn't fight with everything she had trying to make avoid it. It didn't mean she wouldn't curl up on her bed and mourn the lost of life, mourn the lost of good men that never needed to die. Realistically she knew that this attachment, though, was unbecoming. But she had only ever talked to Anakin once about attachment and in the end it had been Rex who had hashed out a suitable answer to her problems.
He had been quiet for a good while, before shifting into a better position to face her. It was a bit unfair for her to come to him with a problem like this - a Jedi problem - when he had other things to worry about, but he shrugged off her attempted apologizes and explanations.
"You're code's a bit vague," Rex had said wryly, and she supposed compared to the neat detailed regulations that he had grown up with, they were. It had struck her though that instead of pointing out the blunt nature of the set of laws she had to abide, he had pointed out something completely different. "Maybe, they're vague for a reason. Like you're supposed to fill in the details."
Her heart had pounded in her chest and she had felt the distinct urge to touch his hand and wrap her own around it, to squeeze it and thank him. Instead she sent him a broad smile and raised the equivalent of an eyebrow. "Like order's up to interpretation?"
"Doesn't matter how you go about getting it done, little'un," he had pointed out. "As long as you get it done. That's not a special footnote or addendum for clones or Jedi, that's a way of life."
They had sat in comfortable silence while he went over the day's reports and she stared out the window into the starline's flying past in hyperspace.
"All things die," she had said, slowly but sure. "I accept that, but I will do all I can to prevent it." Ahsoka stopped and looked at Rex, as if asking him to confirm. He didn't shake his head or nod, and she kept staring for no other reason than she had nothing to draw her attention away. "Attachment is a motivator. I don't think it's bad or good to be attached to something. I just have to be willing to let it go if it's absolutely necessary."
He smiled at her. "That's sounds pretty good. Duty before personal life." He shrugged. "I don't know much about the Jedi Order outside of what they tell us, but I think you've made more sense out of those lines then the Order's done in years."
"Yeah, well," Ahsoka replied, flippant, and ignored how the stripes on her montrals turned vivid. "I had a good pair of ears." He shoved her, lips curled back into a lopsided grin, before he sobered.
"You're gonna be a great Jedi, Ahsoka," he said, smiling, and her breath caught in her chest for just a second, and she had to duck her face down to inhale. She wanted to tell him something equally stunning but the words caught in her throat and all she could manage was a second long look of pure admiration before she pressed her lips together to bite away the smile and gain some sort of composure.
"I know," she answered, softly. Her answer was so sure that she was afraid it might come off as cocky, but how could she honestly believe that she'd be anything less than a decent Jedi if she had Anakin, Obi-Wan, her troops, and Rex at her back?
She had confronted Anakin about it after awhile, mainly because in the chaos struggling with letting go and accepting come what may, sometime it was nice to have someone hold her hand and guide her along instead of standing by her side. He started by rattling off the same lecture Yoda had given them when they were children, about how attachment bred jealousy which lead to fear and then ultimately, the Dark Side, but she stopped him and rolled her eyes, and firmly asked him what his view was, not the Order's.
(Early on she had learned that there was and always had been the Order's way and Anakin's way.)
Anakin had grown quiet, searching her face and then the ground, before his right had curled into a tight fist, stretching the leather glove into a smooth expanse.
"Why?" he had asked, and without meaning to her montrals flourished and he grinned at her, and she knew she was caught. They conversation didn't last as long as she had hoped it did, but she assumed it was because they were stuffed into an abandoned building, waiting on Rex to track their position and pick them up.
"Is it wrong?" she questioned, curiously. "Is it wrong to be attached to something?"
"Are you attached to me?" Anakin has responded simply. "Are you attached to the clones, and Coruscant, and the Republic?"
Ahsoka stared at him, bewildered, and before she could answer he had continued.
"If you say anything other than yes, you're lying," he said bluntly. "Because if you're not that you have no reason to fight this war. You have no reason to risk your life for your troops or in the hope that with every injury you take you keep one Separatist at bay. They teach us that attachment is bad," he continued, his voice raising in volume and Ahsoka shied away minutely, feeling the Force expand around her like it usually did with her Master's emotions. "That attachment breeds resentment and hate, but Ahsoka what do you feel for the clones?"
It only took her a beat to answer. "Compassion." At his silence, she continued on. "Pride, protectiveness, hope," she trailed off for a second, thinking of Fives and Echo, of Denal, of Rex.
"And?"
"Love," she answered automatically, fingers twitching as she shook her head to clear the image of the Captain from her mind before her montral twitched in embarrassment.
"Is that bad?" Anakin questioned, and she studied him, took in the desperation in his voice, and she realized that he wasn't asking her to confirm his question, but to tell him whether or not it was bad to be in love.
"No," Ahsoka said simply, quietly. "No, Master, I don't think it is."
He gave a short laugh, breathless. "It's not bad at all. It isn't."
"All things die," Ahsoka recited, thinking back to sitting in the galley and brushing her shoulder against Rex's. "I accept that, but it doesn't mean I won't fight tooth and nail to stop it."
He looked so relieved it scared her. "Yes," he whispered. "Yeah, Snips. I think you got it." He moved over, making room in his side of the corner so that she could sit closer and leech off his warmth. She didn't really need it - her body didn't register temperature the same way his did - but the gesture made her bit her lip and sit as close to him as she could.
"I never said it," Anakin remarked quietly. "But I'm really happy you got to be my apprentice."
Ahsoka bit her lip, before shoving him gently. "Eh, I think I could have done better."
"Snips, you got the Chosen One as your Master. You literally couldn't have done better," he shot back, raising an eyebrow. She shrugged and bit back a grin.
"Well, I guess you're a pretty good Master, considering." He furrowed his eyebrows down at her and she softened her grin. "But, I'm really happy that I got you as my Master."
His answering smile was the warmest one to date.