Merry Christmas

Dec 25, 2002 00:44

I've been sitting around spacing out and thinking a lot lately. I really have no idea what my dysfunction is. It's like someone took something away from me and I don't know what it is quite yet. For the longest time I really thought it was because I didn't have anyone to call my own. It was kind of the reason I got hitched to Craig, but I saw him as a bad ass. Sounds crazy, but I had high hopes of him just treating me like shit so I could bitch about something to the world. All I ever wanted was to feel something like this again. I want to feel used and worthless so I can yell at everyone and tell them how much this place kills. That we're all horrible people and we don't deserve to smile because we can only smile for so long. I feel like I'm getting hold, even though there's others that are older than me. It's like I'm in search of a signifcant other that doesn't exist, so I'll feel this emptiness forever.

I remember when I was a kid through out my teenage years I felt alive. There was nothing holding me back, no boundaries, just air to breathe when I lost my breath running around having fun. I'd give anything to feel that way again, even if it were for a short while... Though I can't have that back. I'm stuck here, unsatisfied with myself. When you get old, all you have to worry about is not being alone and going insane.

I can't sleep anymore, I'm tired of my dreams. They were always broken, life seems so broken when there's nothing out there you can have to make you happy. I'm a wreck. I'm sitting here worrying about something I'm not even sure of. It really kills when you don't know why your world is falling down. No one deserves to feel this way...

Maybe I need sex.

Like I said before, insomnia sucks. I feel like I'm missing something and it's hard to smile again. I really hate this feeling. Maybe it was because I read free_dominguez's journal. She's such a great person, and it seems like bad stuff just happens to the people around her to pull her down. My parents still aren't around to spend Christmas with me, maybe they forgot about me. They could be scared because Craig's here and they might have seen him on TV doing something weird, but cute.

After Christmas and all tarja_t will be coming to see me!!! The guys of THE OK GOS will come to spend New Years with me. Anyone else want to come? nicholls_bong will of course be there. That bong is awesome.

Ah, I don't know what's wrong. I'm sad and this song does not help. I watched A Christmas Story today, about 5 million times actually. That movie is classic. Craig understood the movie well because it kept playing. He thought that the main character was on LSD with his dreams of his bee bee gun. Well, that's all. Bye..
Previous post Next post
Up