More Venting
The 'i' key on my laptop is having issues at the moment, so I need to remember to press it a little firmer than the other keys or my sentances look a little funny. So now you know why some of my words may be missing an 'i' if I'm not paying attention. =)
This is more of a 'meh' post to get it out of my system. I've spent some time with Hayden this afternoon. Helped him clean his car, then he helped me get a bed frame from Jen's, helped move a water feature inside for next door, and with the help of the boys next door got down our old clothes drier from the wall in the laundry. He also put together my new bed for me. I think I owe him big time. We also sat out on the back deck and talked for a while, so he could have a smoke or two. I'm not as content as I was yesterday, and I think it has something to do with our line of conversation. Yesterday we were talking religion, which I really enjoyed, until we ran into Jason. Today, however, part of our conversations were about a young lady he's talking to online, who lives in America, who he may be interested in, and who may or may not be interested in meeting up with him when she moves to Australia at the begining of next year. So, given where I am at the moment with our situation, which is basically I'm dealing with it the best way I know how so I don't lose the friendship as well, this line of conversation is a) draining at best, and b) really not comfortable for me. And I don't know if he realises just how uncomfortable I am with it, which there is a pretty good chance he has no idea, or if he is just seeing how I react to it. But given what I have subjected him to over the years, I guess he has a right for a little payback.
I've also noticed another challange emerging in my life. The lack of emotional & physical affection that I am begining to crave. One of the best things about how things were with Haydz until it all went to hell was the constant supply of cuddles, kisses, touching, things like that. Physical touch allows for a greater transfer of emotional energy, especially when there is attraction there. It this energy that I love, so when I'm not getting any I begin to crave it. The small amount I am getting from Haydz at the moment I am devouring rather quickly, and its only enough to stop me from going slightly mad. The challange isn't lack of availability, its rather am I willing to go elsewhere for it? What I get from Haydz is kind of more concentrated, I guess. He doesn't hide or shield his emotions, which makes being with him more intense on an emotional level, and that is one of the main reasons I love him. I don't know if I will find that in someone else. Also, to me it feels like I'm giving up if I do go elsewhere. I'm not ready to give in and admit defeat, I don't want to. I want to be with him more than anyone else, and to be with someone else when you want to be with another person just makes the whole situation volatile and not fair on anyone anyway. Which means I would have to go back to my 'particular' ways, having someone around for a particular purpose. In this case kisses and cuddles as needed in a social setting. Jelva and I had 'particulars' when we were single during Tafe, and really those guys were just there for us to hang off on a Thursday night at the pub. Having a Friday night 'particular' does sound rather appealing, actually. But it has the potential to become complicated. I don't want complicated, and I don't want to hurt or lose friends. 'Particulars' aren't often strangers.
So that is my venting for the evening. Feeling much better, thank you. xxoo