It would seem I have no problem moving on.
So, you know how I wasn't going there, with the wonderful young man I had discovered was far too young? Well. Yeah. Once again the Lord had other plans, and answered some of my prayers in a rather unexpected way.
Linz is wonderful. He is caring, kind, fun, and surprisingly normal. He acts older than he is, so we meet somewhere in the middle. But as Jess put it tonight, he is emotionally unavailable. A few weeks ago he found out some things about his ex which has pretty much shut him down emotionally, except when he's drunk. And I understand where he is coming from, because I can feel the pain from him, but I have no idea what he is going through because I have never been there. And that hurts because I don't know how to be there for him, and he doesn't trust me yet to be able to tell me what to do. So we're kind of in an interesting situation, and I will learn a lot from this, mostly patience.
In the process I've lost Hayden as a friend again. Should have seen it coming I suppose. But I didn't see any of the problems we've faced over the last 4 weeks until they landed in our lap. Hayden has chosen to believe nonsense told to him by a spoilt brat who didn't get whom she wanted, and when I (not so delicately ) told him Bella was lying he told me Linz was playing me and promptly deleted me from FB. So, once again Hayden has walked out when I said something he didn't like, and thus far I have been disinclined to try fixing things. I'm still pretty angry and hurt about some of the things he said, so this could take a while.
I am finding that I need to learn patience and space. Neither of these concepts come naturally to me, but I am scared enough of losing Linz that I am willing to do my best to get this right. I'm not sure what is expected of me, how I am supposed to act. Jess told me tonight that I don't need to know, which freaked out the Virgo part of my brain. I have realized that it is like dancing. Real dancing, where you have to take the lead from your man, and just go wherever it takes you. Just like learning to follow in dance, this scares the absolute life out of me. But I've watched Colin be patient with me for most of 5 years teaching me to dance, and Linz has far more patience than I do and I truly believe he will stick by me while I learn. I am terrified. Of making a mistake, of pushing Linz away when I freak out at the lack of control I have. But I really want to get this right. I truly believe that if I can get this right he will be the one that sticks by me for life. But at this stage its all on me, and I'm mega scared.
I really need sleep! Too much happens this time of year. :-)
hugs n kisses
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