Goodbyes
For that one person i wish i could have back x
Hearing the sound of my phone ringing I rolled over to sians side of the bead in search of the noise. I smiled as my face came in contact with her pillow. Her scent still fresh from her leaving only a couple of hours previously to make her way to college. Luckily for me it was my day off and so with a quick “I love you” and a gentle kiss on my lips Sian was off as I snuggled back down in bed sleep overtaking me quickly once more.
Sian and I had been dating since we were 16 and four years on we were still as loved up as ever. We had only been in out flat a few months but I was already loving having our own space, getting to see her first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Also the fact we didn’t have to worry about anyone interrupting our time was magical. I honestly couldn’t be happier and knew this was how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my blonde beauty beside me.
Things hadn’t been easy when we first came out but over time people just came to accept us as Sophie & Sian, Sian & Sophie and not as those lesbians. It had been difficult to begin with but it had all been worth it. Sian had found it rough with her parents and although it had been four years since it we got together and it was evident this wasnt just “some phase” Sian’s dad still had trouble accepting us, which I knew was hard on Sian especially as she had been so close to her dad before we got together. The only comfort she had was the fact her mum was most accepting, even helping us move into the flat we now had and visited often. With my parents it was alot more stress free. My mum came to accept it in time and my dad just still saw me as his little girl and was happy as long as I was and in this moment in time I honestly couldn’t be happier.
Finally locating my phone I scrunched up my eyes in a tired effort to see who was calling me.
“Hello” I groggily answered sleep evident in my throat.
“Sophie!?” a distress voice spoke on the other end immediately grabbing my attention “its Janet, Sians been in an accident. It’s really serious Sophie you need to get yourself to Manchester hospital as soon as. I’m on my way now. Sophie? Sophie you still there?” Sians mum continued. I felt my throat going dry. Not my Sian surely? “Sophie?” she said again bringing me back.
“Urm yes il be there soon” was all I managed to croak out before hanging up the phone.
I sat for 5 minutes not really knowing what to do, trying to believe this wasn’t happening, I mean I had only seen Sian a few hours ago. She had kissed me goodbye as she left for college. Surely there had been some misunderstand. Finally my head kicked in as I raced around the room throwing on my joggy bottoms and grabbing sians hoody before making my way out the door. Trying to ring sians phone a few times with no luck, I finally began to realise this was real and felt my legs give way.
“Sophie” I heard a familiar voice call as a set of arms tried to pull me up from the ground. “Sophie wats happened” the voice said again and I soon recognised that to be of my dad. I couldn’t speak instead I hugged him as more tears filed out from my eyes as my phone began ringing again. Noticing I was in no fit state to speak I felt my dad take my phone from my pocket and answer the phone as he continued to hold me. I heard him speak not really taking in what he was saying until I felt his body go ridged and then I knew it was bad.
“Wat is it dad” I asked through the tears as he led me to his car.
I saw the sorrow in his eyes as looked me in the eye. “Sophie love that was Janet on the phone. She’s just arrived at the hospital and it’s not looking good. Sian was airlifted to hospital and I need to get you there as soon as possible”
I just nodded as he led me to the car.
The drive to the hospital was quiet apart from my sobs. I couldn’t understand what had happened to my baby.
Reaching the hospital I ran to the front desk
“Sian powers” I shouted at the receptionist “I need to see her, I need her” I shouted once more.
I saw the pity in her eyes as she led us out, toward the Intensive Care Unit.
Swinging the doors open I was met by a crying Janet. Quickly running up to her I felt her arms around me and I instantly knew it was bad.
Through tears I managed to ask what had happened though nothing could have compared me for the answer. Sian had been on her way to college when she had approached a bend in the road and somehow lost control of the car. Spinning on the road a car had collided with her passenger side flipping the car over. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up at the thought of this happening to my Sian. How scared she must have been.
“I want to see her” I commanded.
Janet took my hand and led me into the waiting area “were just waiting on the doctor coming back to hear more”
The three of us sat in silence. Each lost in our own thoughts. Mines never leaving Sian, as my dad tried to comfort me and Janet, while contacting sians dad and my mum and Rosie.
After what seemed like a decade a doctor came in; closing the door delicately behind him. The look on his face saying it all.
“I’m afraid to say this” he started and it was too much for me as violent sobs filled my body “but with the injuries Sian has sustained from the crash she has a zero percent chance of survival. I’m sorry. The swelling in her brain is too much, her brain has been starved of oxygen for too long and her organs have shut down. I’m afraid there is nothing we can do”
That was the last thing I remember as I passed out.
“Wake up silly” an angelic voice spoke above me. Coming around I noticed Sian staring lovingly down at me.
“Sian!?” I questioned earning a laugh
“Err yeah who else are you expecting?” she mocked
“But..but but the..” I stuttered being unable to mutter the words
“That I’m basically dead” she finished off for me. A sad smile etched on her face “I am Sophie; I just needed to see you one last time”
I felt tears in my eyes once more “but Sian I’m not ready to say goodbye”
“Baby” Sian said, wrapping her arms around me “I’m not really going to be gone, I’ll always be in here” she spoke indicating my heart
“But it’s not the same” I sniffed tightening my grip on her
“I know soph” she sighed sadly “but I guess the man upstairs has bigger plans for me” she said with a sad smile “just know that ill always love you and you have made my life worthwhile. I’m glad I got to share it with you.”
“Come back” I pleaded “I can’t go on without you”
Hugging me closer we cried together before sharing a kiss. I knew this was our last I could tell by the way we both put everything into it. It was as if she was pouring her soul into me.
“I love you” she whispered before everything went black once again.
The days that followed that where the worst of my life. I floated through the next few weeks not really feeling, not knowing how to go on with my life.
I couldn’t bear to touch her stuff. Everywhere I looked there were constant memories of her. She was only 20 for god sake. Anger often engulfed me as I looked for an explanation of why she had been taken. Never being able to find one.
Everyone said time was a healer but it’s not I mean they also say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Is that not near enough the same thing? They also say it will get easier when in reality it only gets harder.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over it and still 2 months on it still hasn’t really sunk in that I’ll never sit cuddled up on the sofa with Sian, or have a moan, a gossip. All I have now is memories and we can’t make anymore and that hurts so bad.
Sian Powers will always be in my heart, nothing will ever replace her and the only comfort I have is that, goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I miss you. Until we meet again.
Love you always x