American Idol Trainwreck of Epic Proportions. AKA: Letters to Danny Gokey and the AI judges.
Dear Danny Gokey,
Oh Danny, Danny, Danny. I must get you out of the way first so I can try to forget the horrible thing that happened on my television last night. You know what I'm talking about, dude:
Click to viewOr maybe you don't. Since you seemed to think you needed to go watch it to see if it was as bad as they were telling you it was. Honestly, man, they were being so nice to you with their critiques. It blew so hardcore. When you tried to nail the Steven Tyler scream, my dog started barking her effing head off. I can only assume she thought someone was being murdered in the bedroom. My husband was wearing a grimace of horror. And you actually had me shouting, "OH MY GOD NO! PLEASE STOP NOW PLEASE!"
It was so bad, that if I hadn't known you were attempting to 'sing', I would have thought someone had just shanked your ass, and you were screaming and collapsing in pain. But while that was certainly the soul suckingly awful climax, the whole song really was not good. In the beginning you looked as flat as your notes sounded. One of the reasons I love that song so very much is that Steven sings it with such emotion and passion that when I'm feeling especially sad sack, it brings tears to my eyes. After watching Kris get tossed under the bus by Simon "Douche-bag" Cowell, I was feeling pretty effing sad sack all right. But the only thing that made me want to cry was hearing you reduce one of my favorite songs to a stinking pile of shit. And the doo-doo-doo before you launched into the chorus. WTF was that? Hysterically horrendous, that's what.
So, I have to ask. What the fuck were you thinking, Danny? Has your ego really gotten so big that you thought you could tackle one of the legendary Aerosmith's very best songs, and actually pull it off? Did you, dude? 'Cause if so, you're a bigger asshat than I'd assumed. I'm so done with you, Danny. You had me wishing that I was watching good ole Sanjaya molest a song, and that just ain't right. So congratulations, man, you're the governor of Douchelvania. I'm so hoping your ass goes home tonight. Harder than I've ever hoped it before.
Most Sincerely,
Me
Dear Judges,
Fuck you. Fuck you right in the eye. A+ for a valiant effort, Randy? A++ even, Paula? Don't think I didn't see you stop dancing and sit your ass down when Danny started screaming. Why aren't you pissed at him for stealing your joy of the dance? I would have been livid, girl. You're just too damn nice. And you Simon. I could almost respect you for telling him it was like watching a horror movie (which was kind of true, except that horror movies are way more entertaining in comparison). But after that shit you pulled on Kris and Allison? Nope, not feeling it. You're no longer my favorite judge.
Kara, honey, what planet are you really from? "I see you more as an early Aerosmith - Cryin/Crazy..." Quick history lesson for you: In 1973 Aerosmith released their self titled debut album. Do you know what the very first single off that album was? Dream on. It doesn't get earlier than that. Crazy and Crying were released a whole 20 years later. Let me guess, you learned about the history of music at Studio 57, yes? But otherwise I agree, if he was going to butcher Aerosmith, I'd rather it had been one of those songs. Living on the Edge would have been especially comical.
Here's hoping you're all hit with a clue by four before the next show.
No Love,
Me