If only...

[angst_fairy]

Dear Robert-

We have been doing this for a year now.  This works well for me.  I am independent, work a lot of hours and have a busy home life on top of that.  I enjoy hanging out with my friends, going to football practice and games and doing my own thing.  I don't want to be with someone that I would have to give any of that up for.  If I am with

Comments

[mostlybent]

It was an awesome email and I can understand why you wouldn't want to send it. It's funny, though. I was reading Miss Manners recently and there was this woman who was stationed overseas and she met another woman. They fell in love. This woman wanted to tell her family, who would prolly be shocked and dismayed, about this love in her life and the fact that she was obviously a lesbian. Miss Manners suggested that a phone call would not do for this situation. She said the only thing to do was to sit down with a pen, lots of paper and a few hours to bang out a sincere, heartfelt letter, drawn with her own hand. And Miss Manners followed it up with "don't even think about an email." Something like this requires a note of refinement and that you put time and energy into it and that needs to be said with more than merely typed words.

Just food for thought. I'm sure your plate is nearly or all full, but maybe some garnish might kick it up a notch. :D

[angst_fairy]

Pen and paper? What are these strange objects you speak of? Hehe... I know what you mean, and what Miss Manners means. Thoughts like this should be expressed in a personal forum, whether its face to face or whether its putting yourself into a letter. I'm really NOT good at expressing myself, especially when it comes to expressions of emotion... so I don't know what I'dd do.

[elmo_iscariot]

I'm not ready to risk what I have for something I might not get.

Conventional wisdom would have me telling you that this isn't a good attitude; that you have to be willing to give up what _is_ for what _could_be_, dammit!

... But conventional wisdom is wrong, and I think you know it. I'd suggest, instead, changing the way you articulate the adie a bit: "if I'm content where I am, I'm not going to throw that away grasping for more". It's a grown-up, zen-ish position.

But from your post, it sounds like you aren't entirely sure you're content, and it _certainly_ doesn't sound like you're grasping. I read longing, but not clinging desperation. I guess the next thing on the agenda is figuring out whether the arrangement you have will make you content in the long run, and figuring out what kind of "next step" you want to take if not. Maybe you _should_ have this conversation. :\

[angst_fairy]

It's very hard to explain where I am right now. Although I think you're getting it.

I can't say that I am content, I do want something more. But I also can't say I am discontent, because I can accept what I do have and not take for granted what it means to me.

I think I should have this conversation. I think I need to do it in person. I also know that I won't do it without throwing a feeler out there to get a glimpse of where he might stand on the subject. I literally have no.idea. how he feels, how he thinks of the two of us, or what he wants in his life. We don't talk about that stuff at.all.