(no subject)
I should just learn to keep my mouth shut in general. Or, I should have been smart enough to up and leave after seeing you in the lounge the other night.
Truth is, I've been on edge lately, ever since I heard that you had to follow us around and why. I'll get to the reasons in a bit. But. Reading through my journal, I've said the same things that you said. About it being about us, and I betrayed you.
I did betray you. And, as much or as little as you want to believe it, I am sorry for doing it. I've spent so long thinking about it. Ever since this started, I've done nothing but think about the potential fall out. It's bad when you can watch yourself fucking up and not know what the hell to do about it.
And, it's worse because it's not just you, it's Aeris, too. I've fucked up in ways that I never could imagine possible, and I'm left with trying to piece together a situation that's shattered beyond my control. I don't know where to start so I can put it behind me. And, that's all that I want, a resolution.
Just, something.
This also ties in with Aeris. I want to know that one of you will end up all right. I don't think that it'll be her. I've been trying to hammer it into my head that she's gone, and won't be better. I fucked up majorly where Aeris was concerned. I understand why the Fayth sent you along to look after Tidus. I don't exactly have a shining track record. It just served to bring it to light for me, though.
Really, this is all about me trying to deal with my own fuck ups. There have been so many of them, especially lately.
Now, the stuff that I haven't even gotten to wrapping my head around. That battle, you and the other girls in the big machina. Wow, it sounds horrible to just tell you that I'm sorry for almost killing you. I am. In battle, I react on instinct. I heard 'stop her', and I just went. It doesn't make it any better, but...
...would it have been better if Kid didn't heal you at all? I just have to ask, because, when you pushed her away, that's what brought me around. Woke me up, brought me around to the reality of it all. I didn't want to kill you, I just didn't want you to destroy the entire world. It was extreme. I shouldn't have done it at all, but I didn't have any time to think clearly. I didn't do it out of spite. I never would have done that out of spite.
I'm also on edge because of the guys that we're following around. This might seem unrelated, but it's not. Let's just say that it's a little too close to something that could have happened to me at one point. Wandering around insane? They're unpredictable and probably pretty dangerous.
What I see is, we decided to follow them around, and then you showed up to watch over Tidus. I can't help but see some kind of connection. I don't want anything bad to happen to him, and there's a potential for these guys to be able to control me, in some way. If anything happened to him, I'd probably lose it, especially if I was in some way responsible for it.
I want to know if we need to stop following these guys around. I mean, worse comes to worse, they'll wake up eventually, and try to piece together who they are. I got through it, I'm sure that Seifer and Irvine can. I'm beginning to have doubts about following them so aggressively.
I hope that this explains something. I know I can't make up for what I said or for what I've done.
