We're not even halfway through page one, and already there's a pump-action shotgun...
The things I subject myself to for lulz.
I'm just going to keep reading until I want to kill myself. This might not be very long.
There's some seriously ropey syntax going on, and two words I don't even fucking understand.
I have quickly come to find out that Paul Darrow is to writers what American Idol contestants are to singers: they're completely abysmal, but their mother tells them they're terrific, and their ego makes them think that anyone who says otherwise is just jealous.
So, here we are on Uranus. Apparently the planet is covered with "sulphurous mounds" which sounds like a digestive problem. In fact, I think my Grandad had sulphurous mounds in his anus right before he died of colo-rectal cancer
I have no idea who's speaking. But there's a dark mysterious maaaaaaaaaan. You can tell he's going to be pretty badass, because his eyes are described (in a sentence fragment no less) as being filled with, "[t]he exhaustion that comes from the act of mere living and the pain of disappointment in the acts of others."
Anyway, from what I'm gathering at this point, there are two Mary Sues with Mary Sue names and shotguns pointing at Avon (who is probably Avon Sr., because I read a plot summary), and the narrator-Sue has come all over herself at Avon Sr's smile, saying of the smile, ""[i]t was as if a bright light had been switched on or a cloud had scudded away to reveal the rays of a sun." If this were Scrabble, I would've just challenged the word scudded.
I can't stand the phrase, "Avon Sr." because it makes me think of Avon!Avon as Jr, and then that makes me laugh for like five minutes straight, so we're going to give Avon the elder an arbitrary first name. His first name is going to be Leo, even if the novel later tells me it is something other than that. Fuck it. He's Leo now.
Anyway, Leo's not a bounty hunter, and he's also snide. This impresses Mary-Sue Mum.
Mary-Sue the narrator tells us that her mother is NOT QUICK to trust at all. Even though she has very quickly trusted some cryptic bloke. Good going with the characterization there, Paulie. (Paul Darrow is heretofore going to be known as Paulie, because I am bored.)
"He reminded me of a great cat considering if it would be wise for him to enter another’s domain." This reminds me of a bizarre and confusing metaphor.
Anyway, they go inside the house that the two Sues live in, which is then described in excruciating detail. Detail that is as exciting as the technical manual for most printers.
Anyway, Leo is on the run, and Narrator (heretofore dubbed Smiley, due to her smilegasm) is full of useless information about Uranus.
Also, apparently there are crazy female mutoids hunting Leo. I bet there's porn that starts like that in the Federation. "Oh, no! I'm a rebel, and you are a bunch of horrifying lesbian mutoids! WHATEVER WILL I DO TO CONVINCE YOU TO SHOW ME MERCY?"
There's also some bollocks that I'm having a hard time following. Apparently Leo is a bad-ass Killer man. Which is basically a mercenary. Maybe. The plot isn't a strong point for poor Paulie either. Still, this is better than Twilight.
Anyway, Leo is still making a heavy impression: "He was as silent as a cat." This makes no sense, because a lot of cats are fucking loud. And what is up with the nonsensical cat metaphors?
"“By the light of one moon,” he said, “You appear very beautiful. Imagine the effect created by seven."" OH! LEO'S GETTING LAID TONIGHT! HE IS SO SMOOTH! He picks up all the beings in the space port with that line.
Anyway, some people are out to get Leo, so he takes the ole trusty pump-action piece and starts firing. There's a lot of fucking things wrong with this sequence. First, Smiley says that it's unbelievably bright by the light of 7 full moons, and then she talks about Leo lurking in the shadows. Also, Leo rolls around on the ground all badass, in a completely unnecessary manner, in order to fire the gun.
Smiley finds this apropriately badass, "I gasped in terror, shock, excitement and admiration."
If she gasped with any more emotions, her head would explode. So would mine.
Anyway, crazy lesbian vampires start popping out of bad-ass space-copters. They also have pump action shot-guns. I am amused.
Anyway, just when Smiley and her mum are about to get eaten by a lesbian vampire who is probably LITERALLY rabid, Leo kills the mutoid with a parabolic knife. I'm assuming this is a knife made out of parabolas and algebraic equations, but I don't know what the fuck.
Anyway, after all the danger, Smiley's mum is injured and Leo has killed just loads of people. While Smiley's mum is lying unconscious, and is probably pretty badly hurt, Smiley is given the shag of her life by some bloke she met yesterday.
No really.
It says that.
"I had never been loved before and I would never again be loved so well."
There's even a sex scene. A bizarre, amusing, incredibly short, my God, I bet Paulie can pull himself off in less than a minute, sex scene.
Let's read it, shall we?
"His mouth sought mine. He caressed my eyes, my face, my breasts, and his bitter perspiration mingled with mine."
HE CARESSED HER EYES? Someone's going to end up with a scratched cornea after all this love-making.
"He entered me. Pain and pleasure commingled."
They commingled. They spread. They got a flat together.
"Even as he burst within me and I cried out, I knew he had planted his seed."
That's....kind of how sex works, Smiley. Ideally the guy SHOULD be ejaculating. Good job. You made him come. You get a badge!
"That I would mother his child."
Well. That's different. I got nothing.
Anyway, Leo shags and runs. He also says...I can't even believe this is even a real goddamn line, "There'll be a reckoning and I would prefer it to be on my terms and on ground of my choosing."
OH, GOD. This just keeps getting better and better, I can't even:
"“I ran to Uranus,” he went on. “It’s an awful place.”"
That's what hemmorrhoid cream is for...
"“It has great mineral wealth,” I said."
There's also a Chamber of Commerce and the Bureau for Tourism would like to remind you that ther'll be a new Chili's off the freeway in Uranus, coming this December!
Anyway, 9 months later, Avon's born. And apparently Leo's name was Rogue.
Next time on Masochism Theatre: Chapter 1. Gosh, I hope there'll be sex scenes.
I'm just going to keep reading until I want to kill myself. This might not be very long.
There's some seriously ropey syntax going on, and two words I don't even fucking understand.
I have quickly come to find out that Paul Darrow is to writers what American Idol contestants are to singers: they're completely abysmal, but their mother tells them they're terrific, and their ego makes them think that anyone who says otherwise is just jealous.
So, here we are on Uranus. Apparently the planet is covered with "sulphurous mounds" which sounds like a digestive problem. In fact, I think my Grandad had sulphurous mounds in his anus right before he died of colo-rectal cancer
I have no idea who's speaking. But there's a dark mysterious maaaaaaaaaan. You can tell he's going to be pretty badass, because his eyes are described (in a sentence fragment no less) as being filled with, "[t]he exhaustion that comes from the act of mere living and the pain of disappointment in the acts of others."
Anyway, from what I'm gathering at this point, there are two Mary Sues with Mary Sue names and shotguns pointing at Avon (who is probably Avon Sr., because I read a plot summary), and the narrator-Sue has come all over herself at Avon Sr's smile, saying of the smile, ""[i]t was as if a bright light had been switched on or a cloud had scudded away to reveal the rays of a sun." If this were Scrabble, I would've just challenged the word scudded.
I can't stand the phrase, "Avon Sr." because it makes me think of Avon!Avon as Jr, and then that makes me laugh for like five minutes straight, so we're going to give Avon the elder an arbitrary first name. His first name is going to be Leo, even if the novel later tells me it is something other than that. Fuck it. He's Leo now.
Anyway, Leo's not a bounty hunter, and he's also snide. This impresses Mary-Sue Mum.
Mary-Sue the narrator tells us that her mother is NOT QUICK to trust at all. Even though she has very quickly trusted some cryptic bloke. Good going with the characterization there, Paulie. (Paul Darrow is heretofore going to be known as Paulie, because I am bored.)
"He reminded me of a great cat considering if it would be wise for him to enter another’s domain." This reminds me of a bizarre and confusing metaphor.
Anyway, they go inside the house that the two Sues live in, which is then described in excruciating detail. Detail that is as exciting as the technical manual for most printers.
Anyway, Leo is on the run, and Narrator (heretofore dubbed Smiley, due to her smilegasm) is full of useless information about Uranus.
Also, apparently there are crazy female mutoids hunting Leo. I bet there's porn that starts like that in the Federation. "Oh, no! I'm a rebel, and you are a bunch of horrifying lesbian mutoids! WHATEVER WILL I DO TO CONVINCE YOU TO SHOW ME MERCY?"
There's also some bollocks that I'm having a hard time following. Apparently Leo is a bad-ass Killer man. Which is basically a mercenary. Maybe. The plot isn't a strong point for poor Paulie either. Still, this is better than Twilight.
Anyway, Leo is still making a heavy impression: "He was as silent as a cat." This makes no sense, because a lot of cats are fucking loud. And what is up with the nonsensical cat metaphors?
"“By the light of one moon,” he said, “You appear very beautiful. Imagine the effect created by seven."" OH! LEO'S GETTING LAID TONIGHT! HE IS SO SMOOTH! He picks up all the beings in the space port with that line.
Anyway, some people are out to get Leo, so he takes the ole trusty pump-action piece and starts firing. There's a lot of fucking things wrong with this sequence. First, Smiley says that it's unbelievably bright by the light of 7 full moons, and then she talks about Leo lurking in the shadows. Also, Leo rolls around on the ground all badass, in a completely unnecessary manner, in order to fire the gun.
Smiley finds this apropriately badass, "I gasped in terror, shock, excitement and admiration."
If she gasped with any more emotions, her head would explode. So would mine.
Anyway, crazy lesbian vampires start popping out of bad-ass space-copters. They also have pump action shot-guns. I am amused.
Anyway, just when Smiley and her mum are about to get eaten by a lesbian vampire who is probably LITERALLY rabid, Leo kills the mutoid with a parabolic knife. I'm assuming this is a knife made out of parabolas and algebraic equations, but I don't know what the fuck.
Anyway, after all the danger, Smiley's mum is injured and Leo has killed just loads of people. While Smiley's mum is lying unconscious, and is probably pretty badly hurt, Smiley is given the shag of her life by some bloke she met yesterday.
No really.
It says that.
"I had never been loved before and I would never again be loved so well."
There's even a sex scene. A bizarre, amusing, incredibly short, my God, I bet Paulie can pull himself off in less than a minute, sex scene.
Let's read it, shall we?
"His mouth sought mine. He caressed my eyes, my face, my breasts, and his bitter perspiration mingled with mine."
HE CARESSED HER EYES? Someone's going to end up with a scratched cornea after all this love-making.
"He entered me. Pain and pleasure commingled."
They commingled. They spread. They got a flat together.
"Even as he burst within me and I cried out, I knew he had planted his seed."
That's....kind of how sex works, Smiley. Ideally the guy SHOULD be ejaculating. Good job. You made him come. You get a badge!
"That I would mother his child."
Well. That's different. I got nothing.
Anyway, Leo shags and runs. He also says...I can't even believe this is even a real goddamn line, "There'll be a reckoning and I would prefer it to be on my terms and on ground of my choosing."
OH, GOD. This just keeps getting better and better, I can't even:
"“I ran to Uranus,” he went on. “It’s an awful place.”"
That's what hemmorrhoid cream is for...
"“It has great mineral wealth,” I said."
There's also a Chamber of Commerce and the Bureau for Tourism would like to remind you that ther'll be a new Chili's off the freeway in Uranus, coming this December!
Anyway, 9 months later, Avon's born. And apparently Leo's name was Rogue.
Next time on Masochism Theatre: Chapter 1. Gosh, I hope there'll be sex scenes.