I wish this book were a movie, just so I could see it in all its bad awesomness
Last time, Leo met a Martian who wanted to kill Gay Peter Davison.
Counts:
Double edged serrated knives: 2
Pump-action shotguns: 1
Bitch slaps: 1
Shags: 2 (1 hilariously "explicit" sex scene, and then Leo went back for seconds).
At the start of Chapter 2, Leo is in the red-light district of Saturn. Oh, LEO. You can't go two minutes without wanting to slap a bitch, can you?
However, while walking down Pimp Alley, we discover that Leo has realized that this is all A TRAP. Martian Man expects Gay Peter Davison to murder him when he returns to Gay PD.
Now, a normal man would ditch everything, and run as fast as he can away from Gay PD and his scheming Martian life-partner. Leo is not a normal man. He is a consumate BADASS. He is going to go back to Gay PD, steal his ship, and KILL HIM.
So, Leo makes his way back to Gamma 17. He doesn't even shag or slap anyone, even though he had walked all the way to the Red Light district. To "think". Sad. :(
When he gets there, Gay PD tries to make nice. Leo is all, "My name is Avon Montoya. I'm a Killer man, prepare to die." Gay PD is all, "SO YOU FIGURED OUT OUR EVIL PLAN," and Leo's all, "Yeah. How do you think you"re going to like hell?"
Leo is not prepared to discover that Gay PD has two lesbian vampire cops with him.
Leo takes out his twin bladed knife with serrated edges (3!), rolls around a little to show he's awesome, and prepares to face the lesbian vampires and gay Peter Davison, who must form some sort of Gay Mafia.
Leo quickly stabs a lesbian vampire in the heart, leaving the scimitar that she has (scimitar!!!! wtf, Paulie? You do realize you have the imagination of a 12 year old boy? Yes?) useless.
Unfortunately, the other lesbian with a scimitar(!!!!) cuts his arm. Incensed, and bleeding, Leo GAUGES THE BITCHES EYES OUT WITH HIS BARE HANDS!!!!! Yes, seriously.
With the lesbian vampires dispatched, Leo now has to face Gay Peter Davison. One is forced to wonder what his secret weapon is. I hope it's a bazooka. Those are SO COOL.
Gay Peter Davison makes the fatal decision to taunt Leo. Then this hilarious and badass scene happens:
. Reversing the tac-tic that had drawn the Subsidiaries to him, he rolled back under the nose cone, sprang to his feet and, hav-ing gauged Gilpin’s position from the sound of his voice, flung his knife like a javelin. It struck the pilot in the neck and he went down as if he had been poleaxed.
This doesn't kill him, surprisingly. Gay Peter Davison has enough life in him to spit blood and fire and vinegar and REALLY CHEESY LINES, OH GOD, DID WE FALL INTO A BOND MOVIE?, at Leo.
“Now you have to live, or rather die, with it.”
The green eyes flashed. “I’m not dead yet,” Gilpin said and, with a superhuman effort, raised himself to his feet.
He was stabbed in the goddamn neck, and then...yeah..I don't even.
I'm actually a little surprised this book didn't sell like crazy. I think what killed it was a demographics mix-up. Who bought it was women 18-50 who wanted Avon to fuck them senseless. Who should've bought it was men 12-60 who like things that go boom, and watching blood spurt in movies.
Luckily, being equal parts 20 year old woman, and 12 year old boy, I am enjoying this with a fierce GLEE. I'm laughing so hard, I've had to take a pee break just to prevent myself from weeing.
Anyway, just when it looks like our Leo is going to be TOAST, Gay Peter Davison gets shot in the fucking back by that Hooker from chapter 1. Then she starts crying. Leo comforts her. My hurt/comfort senses start tingling.
The Hooker then explains that she was supposed to kill Leo if Gay Peter Davison didn't manage. But she didn't. Because she wants Leo to take her with him and go adventuring. And also because presumably his cock looks massive in those tight leather trousers. Both are good reasons.
I'm thinking his cock has way more to do with it than ADVENTURE, based on this:
“Were you supposed to finish me off if they couldn’t manage it?”
She nodded.
“What made you change your mind?”
Gerasa moved close to him, placed her arms round his neck and stared into his eyes. “Surely you don’t have to ask,” she said.
Avon pulled her even closer. They kissed savagely. He took her there and then, on the dank floor of the hangar, amidst the blood and debris of the fight.
*golfclaps* Ladies and Gentlemen he shagged her in what is essentially a car park for spaceships, on the ground, which is covered in the blood and green sludge of mutoids and men. Oh, LEO! You're so ROMANTIC. I'm not sure what the Avon-centric equivalent is to "Take me, Time Lord," but this would be the time to say it.
This is shag #3, btw.
After they fuck, the Hooker steals the keys to the spaceship off of Gay Peter Davison's dead body. Then Leo takes out his double edged twin bladed serrated what the fuck (4!) and cuts out Gay Peter Davison's eyes. The Hooker watches, enthralled.
But wait! It turns out the Hooker has been triple-dealing with Leo! That card she's got was meant to make Leo go boom! See, the Hooker and the Martian really wanted Gay Peter Davison dead, but they sure as hell didnt' want Leo alive. So, they were going to use him to get Gay Peter Davison killed, and then make sure Leo met a nasty end. And also that he got one last dying shag. Presumably.
But THEN it turns out, in a plot so convoluted, even Robert Holmes is going, WTF, that Leo placed a bomb in the Martian's house, and he's going to explode pretty damn soon himself. Hooker's all, "WELL GOOD THING I'M SIDING WITH YOU!" Leo gives her Gay Peter Davison's eyeballs. They talk about how they can't trust each other.
The Hooker gives him the real computer control card. He takes it, starts up the spaceship, and is all, "Come with me and shit." Hooker is all, "TIGHT LEATHER PANTS, OKAY!" And off they go into the wild blue yonder.
“Truly,” Gerasa asked, “where are you going?”
“Truly,” Avon replied “I’m going home!”
This is the best book I have ever read. It should've won a Pulitzer or something. Truly.